Solo For Two

Karel groaned. His face turned pale in an instant. Unlike Sasha, he was horrified. Sasha quickly regained his composure, thinking it would be better to get slapped by him again than to indulge in delusions like a drug.“I’m sorry, Karel.”“Why did you think that?”“I thought that if I said it was because of you, you might take responsibility for me.”“What a foolish… How could you do something so crazy?”“I’m sorry.”Sasha apologized hastily. Karel was clearly scared by Sasha’s insane behavior.“But back then… I really thought Karel had abandoned me and decided you would never look at me again, no matter what I did.”Karel’s hand, still caressing Sasha’s leg, was trembling slightly.Just before escaping France with Rambouillet, Karel felt as if he were on the brink of a cliff, plagued by anxiety that if their plan failed, both Ska and Karel Clements might vanish from the world. Wearing luxurious gowns and sleeping in a magnificent castle, he still felt like he was on a battlefield. At that time, Karel hoped Sasha would detach himself from him. If that were to be their last moment together, and if Sasha were to meet a second Karel later, he didn’t want Sasha to feel the need to idealize his memories of him.In a way, it worked to their advantage. If he hadn’t been so ruthlessly abandoned, the unstable Sasha of that time might have done something irreversible.“Tell me to get a grip on myself again.”As he said this, Sasha pulled Karel’s hand to his cheek. But instead of responding to Sasha’s misguided confession, Karel drew Sasha into his arms and cradled his head.That day, Karel gave Sasha a gift of a cane made of light yet sturdy wood. It had a handle crafted from soft leather. Then, upon returning to the hotel, he personally bathed Sasha, dried his hair, and kissed each strand, his rounded forehead, closed eyelashes, earlobes, nostrils, and the corners of his lips.The long neck like a deer, the skin over his hollow collarbone, his shoulders and chest, even his nipples adorned with blue diamonds… Karel seemed to be drawing Sasha’s entire body with his lips. Kissing every part without missing a spot, Karel whispered how beautiful Sasha’s body was.Sasha understood Karel’s intention.That he cherished everything about Sasha so much that he should never consider harming himself.It was a much better remedy than getting slapped.Sasha erased the notion of seeking attention through self-destruction from his mind. Instead, he monopolized Karel’s affection and fell asleep feeling fulfilled.＊ ＊ ＊Georg boarded the train with the product he was to present to his superior for the first demonstration.He spent most of his time in the sleeping car, not budging except to occasionally step out at unnamed stations to breathe the fresh air. Instead of socializing in the dining car or the small pub on the train, he chose to focus on his mission.‘I can’t believe this is worth as much as a factory site.’Georg tapped cautiously on the wooden box that proudly occupied one side of the sleeping car. Inside the sturdy box was a machine wrapped multiple times in soft cotton fabric. Although Georg couldn’t quite imagine the machine’s usefulness yet, Karel assured him it would herald a new era.And he had instructed Georg to bring the product to the theater’s opening ceremony. It seemed he intended to test it during Sasha Sedrin’s first performance.‘If that’s the case, it will indeed be very useful.’Georg couldn’t yet foresee all the possibilities Karel had assured him of for this machine. His superior’s creativity and bold plans were always difficult to keep up with.However, if it was to be used for Sasha Sedrin’s performance, Georg had no doubt that it would fulfill its purpose.＊ ＊ ＊In the spacious hall attached to the theater, Sasha finished his final rehearsal. Clear beads of sweat trickled down his temples along his facial lines.“Gasp… Huff…”Sasha panted heavily, resting his hands on his knees. His chest rose and fell repeatedly from the uninterrupted rehearsal, just like a real performance. It was challenging to push his stamina without using stimulants. And what was even more difficult was that the sense of accomplishment from finishing a run was less than before. When under the influence of drugs, he could forget everything but dancing, but approaching practice rationally, he often noticed his shortcomings in the mirror.However, Sasha wasn’t the only one dissatisfied; the choreographer stood up and applauded. Then he approached eagerly to shake hands. As they clasped hands, he was moved and tried to hug Sasha, who was drenched in sweat like it was raining.The composer, who had been watching the rehearsal with his arms crossed nearby, also cautiously gathered his hands, waiting for his turn to shake hands with Sasha. Sasha exchanged handshakes and hugs with the theater director, the pianist, and even the nameless staff members.“You were truly magnificent. You created choreography even richer than I envisioned.”“Did I?”Through an interpreter, Sasha heard the young choreographer’s impression. Although he wasn’t satisfied himself, the others’ feedback gave him some relief.Just as he was about to leave, Sasha turned around and asked.“Have I always danced like this?”“Yes, you’ve always been perfect like that.”Sasha’s question was about the time when he was intoxicated and couldn’t see his flaws, but people gave a completely different answer.When the angle of his fouetté deviated slightly outward, or when fear of pain caused him to consciously place weight on his left leg, putting tension in his muscles… Sasha believed there were issues, but it seemed others hadn’t noticed.Unaware that his standards were excessively high, Sasha left the hall feeling a bit puzzled.“Where are you going?”The choreographer asked.He couldn’t hide his affection for Sasha, who had breathed life into his choreography.“Oh, I’m just going to take a look at the stage.”“The technical team is probably rehearsing now. I’ll go and get permission for you.”“Thank you.”Sasha followed the choreographer down the hallway. Even in that short moment, the choreographer confessed through an interpreter how much he had looked forward to working with Sasha Sedrin. Sasha, very accustomed to hearing such confessions, simply nodded and occasionally smiled.When they arrived at the stage, the lights were lowered almost to head height, and the technical team was busily moving between them.“They say the technical rehearsal is wrapping up. You can check your movements on stage as much as you want.”At those words, Sasha stepped onto the stage. The feel of the wooden floor under his shoes wasn’t bad. As he gauged the friction and resilience, Sasha walked around a few steps and drew a circle on the floor with his toes.As he spun multiple times, finding his axis of balance, Sasha found himself left alone on the stage.Gazing at the seats adorned with red fabric and gold trim, Sasha momentarily lost himself in thought.Empty seats.Dimmed lighting machines.The tension just before stepping onto the stage….Sasha realized anew how much he loved this space.It was then that he noticed a silhouette in the darkest part of the back row of the first-floor seats.‘Karel?’The moment he felt he had locked eyes with the man sitting with his legs crossed, the man slowly rose from his seat. He walked down the aisle between the seats toward the stage.In the silence, only the sound of footsteps echoed.As the darkness retreated with each step, the man’s face became illuminated by the stage lights. It was Karel.Sasha’s face lit up the moment he recognized him.“How long have you been watching?”“I just got here a little while ago.”“I thought I’d have to wait until I got home to see you.”Karel extended his hand toward the stage as he spoke.“Come on up, Karel.”“I’m an audience member. I learned I must respect the stage.”At those words, Sasha took his hand and sat on the edge of the stage.“You said you were meeting Georg today.”“I did.”“Is your business with him done?”“Well….”Karel’s answer was neither a yes nor a no. It seemed Karel had stopped by the theater to see him even though his work wasn’t finished.“I just came to see your face for a moment. When I went to the practice room, they said the rehearsal was already over….”“So are you going back now?”“I should.”“Georg must be waiting….”“Then why don’t you let me go?”Just as Karel said, Sasha was holding onto the hem of his clothes as if reluctant to let him go. However, even as he told Sasha to let go, Karel showed no intention of turning away first.“Don’t worry about Georg. He’s too busy enjoying ice cream to notice.”Sasha recalled Georg’s face from the brief encounter before coming to the theater. To put it nicely, his complexion had improved; to put it harshly, it seemed he had failed at managing his weight. Georg, who once had a sharp jawline without an ounce of extra flesh, now had a face that matched his age, appearing plumper.‘Come to think of it, everything Georg brought me was delicious.’Sasha thought he should treat Georg to something the next time they met. Then Sasha snapped out of his thoughts. He felt Karel’s hand tucking his hair behind his ear.“Actually, I’m not leaving right away…. I have something to test.”“A test?”In response to Sasha’s question, Karel glanced somewhere toward the back seats.“Shall we try it now?”Before Sasha could stop him, Karel strode over to the seats and brought something back.Sasha observed it closely. It was a heavy-looking black machine mounted on three slanted iron pillars. The weight was evident as the muscles under Karel’s suit tensed with the effort.“A camera?”“It’s a bit different.”“Then what is it?”“This can record sound simultaneously.”Sasha realized that what Karel had brought was a camera for making movies. The mention of recording sound with it filled Sasha’s eyes with curiosity. Even in Paris, movie screenings were popular, and Sasha often went to the cinema, but the films he knew had subtitles and played music separately, in black-and-white images.“I’m going to film your premiere tomorrow.”“Me?”Karel operated the camera. Through the lens, he captured Sasha.Though the film was priceless, Karel didn’t care about using it as if it were water. If he could preserve Sasha at this moment forever, he wouldn’t mind spending a fortune.“If this method becomes feasible, you won’t have to wear yourself out every time.”Sasha understood Karel’s words.He was looking for a way to show Sasha’s performances to everyone eager to see his stage.“Then you could continue performing for longer…”“Karel!”Sasha, sitting on the stage, leaned forward and fell into Karel’s arms. Karel caught Sasha’s body and smiled, tracing Sasha’s face with his lips.“When did you start thinking about this?”“Hmm…”Julian had told Karel that while moving the Ludwig family’s wealth to America, he realized there were limits to managing physical assets like real estate. Instead, he purchased smaller items like artworks, sculptures, and jewels, but they were just as difficult to manage.Karel recalled that Julian had always been interested in supporting musicians, painters, and dancers. He soon realized that Julian wanted to invest in intangible assets.It was Karel who suggested venturing into the film industry after hearing about Julian’s concerns. Karel had experienced the power of media through his connections, the Apostles, and decided he needed to obtain intangible power as strong as weapons on the battlefield.After investing a significant amount of money, Karel and Julian developed the technology to record sound and images simultaneously. They soon purchased a vast tract of land in the West, intending to turn it into a studio where filmmakers would come willingly.“For me…?”Sasha’s eyes sparkled with emotion and joy. Seeing that expression, Karel swallowed hard.Seeing Sasha’s bright eyes, it became difficult to confess that he only thought of making a lot of money.“Yes, we’ll be business partners.”“Business partners?”“I need to make a lot of money using you.”Karel’s inherent nature of trying to maximize profit in any situation seemed unchanged.Fortunately, Sasha was delighted. Especially since Sasha had never imagined there would be an intersection between Karel’s work and his own, his entire being was filled with excitement.Without realizing his voice had grown louder, Sasha asked excitedly.“Will anyone buy this film?”“French theaters are already lining up to import it.”This was true. Those who reduced the icon Sasha to a spectacle while simultaneously idolizing him were the first to jump at the chance to buy a film of Sasha’s premiere.“Strange people.”Karel laughed heartily at Sasha’s casual remark.Sasha’s last memory of Paris was three gunshots. Not directed at him, but Karel raising a gun to the sky.And then the three gunshots rang out.Long after, Paris commemorated the dancer Sasha Sedrin, whom they had ‘loved,’ with a state funeral. It’s uncertain whether Sasha, with closed eyes, would agree with the expression of love for a name that had been both celebrated and consumed.In any case, Sasha lived his entire life in the public eye. If being remembered is love, Sasha was undoubtedly loved.In the distant future, soldiers in uniform lined up in front of the hearse, a large flag draped over the coffin. People threw flowers onto the coffin. In keeping with the custom of a state funeral, three gunshots were fired into the air.It would take a long time for the gunshots from the execution ground to transform into a symbol of mourning.Sasha held Karel’s cheeks with both hands, still smiling, and kissed him.“Sasha.”Karel glanced sideways and spoke.“The film is still rolling.”“I know.”Sasha wrapped his arms around Karel’s neck and pulled him closer. Karel met his lips with Sasha’s.The two affectionately caressed each other and kissed for a long time until the expensive film ran out.Later, when Karel retrieved the film, worth as much as a house, he thought it was cheap to have memories in physical form.This film, capturing the two kissing in the theater, remained forever in their drawer without being sold anywhere.＊ ＊ ＊On the day of the premiere, before the performance began, a luxurious bouquet and a bottle of wine arrived in Sasha’s dressing room.At first, Sasha thought it was a gift from Karel. But realizing Karel would never give alcohol as a gift, Sasha checked the name card again.‘Rambouillet de Beauharnais.’A smile formed on Sasha’s lips. It seemed she was still on the East Coast of the United States and had come to see the performance with her new fiancé. Rambouillet’s new fiancé was someone she met on the ship during her honeymoon trip with Oscar, a trip that was actually to part ways.Life is truly mysterious. It often offers new opportunities when you think you’ve hit rock bottom.Sasha carefully placed the name card in a corner of the dressing room.“Levin, make sure I don’t forget that basket when I go home later.”“Alright. I’ll take good care of it.”Levin replied as she gently laid Charles, who had just fallen asleep, on the plush sofa.Watching the scene, Sasha suddenly spoke.“Levin, I wish…”“Yes?”“I wish you were truly my family.”Levin smiled silently, remembering their first meeting.‘You have the same name as my late brother.’Sasha had said that when hiring Levin.“By the way, Sasha. Do you know Mikhail is here today?”Levin continued as if it had suddenly come to mind.“Hmm, he sent me a letter before… So he really came.”Sasha replied with a slightly perplexed expression.Valeryus couldn’t properly finish the season due to the chaos caused by the sudden departure of its star principal dancer, and the performance was halted midway. However, as the focus shifted to America, Mikhail seemed to be considering starting a new ballet company in the new land rather than giving up on his ambitions.“If Mikhail comes looking for me, please tell him I said no one is allowed in the dressing room.”“I’ll inform the guards.”Sasha didn’t want to meet anyone after the performance, while adrenaline was still surging through his body.Except for one person.Sasha steadied his pounding heart. Despite not taking any stimulants, a strange excitement enveloped him.Occasionally, whenever he heard movement outside the dressing room, Sasha found himself glancing toward the door. However, Karel never visited before the performance. He seemed busy with preparations for the ‘first shoot,’ as he had forewarned.‘I’ll see him after the stage performance, right?’With trembling hands, Sasha touched up his eye makeup.“Sasha Sedrin! Ten minutes until the performance.”Sasha took a deep breath and opened the dressing room door. At the end of the hallway, the dark entrance leading to the stage was visible. Swiftly passing through the corridor, Sasha slipped past the silent crew between the darkened backstage and stood in his marked position.The moment he met eyes with the orchestra conductor, Sasha arched his arms and back while drawing his right foot back into a pose. Strangely, he felt no pain in his supporting left foot. The pre-performance excitement seemed to have worked in his favor.The conductor swung his arm in a large arc through the air. Sasha ran out to the center of the stage, kicking off the ground.＊ ＊ ＊Sasha was standing in the middle of a lavender field.It felt like a place he had visited once in his memory. Brushing his hand across the surface of the lavender waves swaying like the sea in the wind, Sasha walked between the rows and out of the field. As he walked along the dirt road toward Ludwig Palace, Sasha remembered why this place felt unfamiliar. It was because he usually passed by this road in a carriage.Low white clouds floated in the sky, and noon shadows lay under the elm trees, their leaves rustling in the wind. Sasha moved forward, catching the lime-green petals of the elm trees that fell like rain.Soon, he would see the person he was looking for.Sasha felt it was perfectly natural even though he didn’t know whom he was looking for. He wasn’t in a hurry at all, despite walking for a long time. He was sure he would meet ‘him’ if he followed this road.Before long, Sasha found someone sitting, leaning against a thick tree trunk.A boy, sitting with his back to Sasha, had placed a handkerchief under him to avoid staining his pants with grass. He had laid an open, half-read book upside down on his lap. The boy blinked as if the wind-blown strands of his dark blond hair tickled his cheeks.Sasha approached him cautiously.Even at the sound of grass crunching underfoot, the boy didn’t notice Sasha’s approach. His vacant, daydreaming look reminded Sasha of him in the present, bringing a smile to his face.When there were about five steps left, the boy suddenly turned his head.‘Karel.’Sasha’s heart raced as he examined the young Karel. A young boy, a little slender with a lanky frame, was staring back at Sasha in surprise. His skin, even now quite fair, was flawless and looked healthy, slightly tanned as if he had spent summers swimming under the sun.Karel quickly stood up. The book that had been on his lap fell to the ground.“Karel.”Sasha called the boy’s name.Hearing his name called by a stranger, Karel looked a bit wary. However, as Sasha took one step closer, his eyes gradually shifted from cautious surprise to curious warmth. Sasha’s heart pounded.Was he in his late teens? The young Karel, who had not yet met Sasha, looked at the much older Sasha in his thirties with eyes full of instant affection.Standing under the tree’s shadow with the scenery of the lavender field in the background, Sasha, bathed in sunlight that avoided the shade, was indeed something to make young Karel’s heart race.“What are you doing sitting here alone?”“I was… reading a book.”“The book you dropped on the ground?”At those words, Karel picked up the book at his feet and brushed it off, looking slightly embarrassed.“Julian is having tea with some ladies. Why didn’t you join them?”Sasha asked naturally, wondering how he knew such things.“I don’t like those gatherings.”Karel answered, looking awkwardly down at the ground.Sasha gazed at the young Karel with a sense of wonder. Karel, who had no interest in networking opportunities or social gatherings, preferred cotton shirts over tailored suits. Even his uncombed, messy hair reflected his character.And the reason this boy avoided meeting young ladies was…Karel, now shaking off his initial unease with a stranger, was trying hard not to make it obvious that he was observing the man before him, Sasha, who seemed like the embodiment of his ideal type. Sasha thought if he hadn’t known Karel at all, he might have believed his pretense of nonchalance.Sasha took another step closer.“You’re not interested in ladies?”“Yes.”“Then…”Sasha looked up at Karel. The amber jewels embedded in his green eyes were talking, breathing, and focusing on Sasha.Ah, regardless of when or where,Karel would have fallen in love with me.Sasha happily spoke to Karel.“Shall we head back to the mansion together?”Karel slowly nodded.Sasha walked beside Karel. His long legs slowed down a bit to match Sasha’s pace. Young Karel carefully chose his answers to Sasha’s questions, and when Sasha chuckled softly, Karel gazed at his profile for a long time. When Sasha let his hands fall from behind his back to relax, their hands occasionally brushed against each other, causing Karel’s neck to flush.Sasha thought this side of Karel was not unfamiliar.The two had shared many experiences in Sasha’s hallucinations. Perhaps these were the things Karel had long wanted to do with someone he was interested in since his adolescence. Things like falling asleep in the same bed, feeling each other’s warmth, or dining together at a comfortable pace.Sasha recalled his life in Pfalz and thought that perhaps that modest life was what young Karel had always dreamed of.In those hallucinations, Sasha occasionally stepped out of his body and saw the world through Karel’s eyes.Why does Karel love me?Seen through his eyes, the question was quickly resolved. The world, once filled with monochrome loneliness, seemed to whirl and come alive just with Sasha’s presence. Growing up alone under a stern father without a mother, Karel had nowhere to share the deep loneliness he felt from a young age. He and his blood brother Julian had entirely different starting points. The moment Karel became an adult, the courtesy people showed him as a young master of the house would end.Karel seemed to be used to acting appropriately without overstepping his bounds, knowing his circumstances. And everyone treated Karel as a boy who had matured early.But Karel behaved quite boyishly only around Sasha. He pestered for affection and expressed his desires.Yet he was deeply anxious that Sasha might leave.‘This affection might never be reciprocated.’Inside Karel’s body, Sasha was tormented by deep loneliness. After finding someone he loved, he felt even more lonely.Sasha found that feeling very familiar. It was like how he felt when his depression worsened. Karel’s mind was surely faintly ill as well. Sometimes Karel—Sasha inside his body—felt utterly isolated, trapped in a world of his own. It was heartbreaking.No one knew Karel needed comfort.Still, young Karel tried hard not to frighten Sasha.‘Sasha, I like you. It’s okay if you take your time to respond.’A strong sense of déjà vu hit. Karel had confessed similarly to Sasha on the Côte d’Azur. Sasha thought the hallucinations and reality were intertwining similarly.Karel’s eyes, confessing his love, were steeped in deep despair. Now, Sasha could finally see that loneliness. It was hard to imagine the mindset of someone expressing love while also considering whether the other person might be frightened by it.‘Is it really okay? You’re not okay. You’re not okay.’Sasha tried to respond quickly. He had delayed his answer for too long. He hid his true feelings, afraid he might be entirely taken over if he uttered words of love. He was afraid he might lose if he played his last card. Love is not about winning or losing, and the man in front of him knew nothing about calculation.Yet the Sasha reflected in Karel’s eyes looked at him coldly without any response.Karel’s heart broke with every passing moment.In the hallucination, Sasha screamed until his throat made a metallic sound. But trapped inside Karel’s body, no voice came out.‘Speak up, Sasha Sedrin.’Say that you want Karel too, that you liked him from the beginning!Forget about your worthless pride and show him a little of your feelings.Before Karel falls into complete despair… you foolish Sasha Sedrin!Only then did Sasha realize.The young master who handed him a basket of candies when he vomited from exhaustion in the rain-drenched barn, those heated eyes that couldn’t look away from his wet nakedness. The Karel who pretended to be asleep, facing away but leaving space for Sasha to lie down, had been special to him from the beginning.He thought that this person might be okay, that he wouldn’t act carelessly like the Grand Duke, and took off his robe himself. It was Sasha who first tried to seduce him.‘You can hold me.’Knowing full well Karel wouldn’t understand Russian, Sasha had said that.Spending the night in the same bed, he didn’t mind the warmth of their touching skin. He thought the long fingers with their high heat would stroke his body in ways he didn’t know. The impulse he felt despite his usual aversion to others’ touch…Why was that?Sasha recalled that impulse from back then. It was undoubtedly the same-colored love as Karel’s.In the hallucination, as Sasha slowly opened his heart to Karel, Karel became even more anxious instead of satisfied. Because he didn’t want to lose even a piece of the heart he had barely obtained. In that dreamlike or hallucinatory place, Karel agonized over things that hadn’t even happened.Things like Sasha leaving, smiling at someone else… and Karel himself hurting Sasha.Sasha realized it was himself who had pushed Karel, who barely feigned calmness, into a corner.Sasha desperately wanted to wake up and embrace the real Karel.“Don’t be so sad.”At Sasha’s words, Karel looked up with sharp eyes. He was still young and didn’t know how to hide the despair and hurt that showed on his face.“Sasha Sedrin will eventually love you.”But the deep doubt on his face didn’t disappear. Karel murmured.