Solo For Two

“……”“Does my feelings burden you?”Sasha shook his head. Sasha, who had never really done much calculating in life, thought that maybe being someone who overthinks things might be just as difficult.“I’m going to live a long time, so Karel, please stay by my side until then.”“That’s only natural.”Years later, Sasha would pass away peacefully, and Karel, after arranging his funeral, would return home alone and end his life with a gunshot, but that was still half a century away. The two, unaware that their words would become a prophecy, just looked deeply into each other’s eyes.“I know you’ve been worrying a lot, Karel. Now, could you hold Charles for a bit?”“Hmm?”“Let’s go meet Levin together.”Sasha handed the wriggling Charles over the table. Karel easily took Charles and followed Sasha.The empty seats at the table were quickly filled by other customers, and the empty cups they left behind were swiftly cleared away by an efficient waitress. No one remembered that they had been there, but the conversation they had today stayed in their minds for a very long time.When Karel and Sasha returned to the pier, Levin had already sent off her family in a carriage and was waiting with one of her younger brothers. Sasha gestured for Levin to cross the street, recalling Karel’s earlier jealousy.Before Levin reached them, Sasha quietly murmured, “Karel, I can’t suddenly treat Levin like a stranger.”“I know. You don’t have to take my words literally. Just do what you usually do.”“……”But how could one remain indifferent after hearing such a confession? Karel might pretend to be calm and composed, but he wouldn’t truly be at ease.And though it might just be his imagination, Sasha thought Karel seemed to be feeling somewhat ashamed. Just as Sasha felt a sudden urge to tease him about it, Levin called out.“Sasha!”Having just crossed the street, Levin called Sasha’s name. Sasha turned toward her.“Have all your family members left?”“Yes, they were all tired and wanted to rest.”“The journey must have been long…. Shall we head to the hotel?”Sasha glanced up at Karel as he spoke. Karel, annoyingly composed, nodded.In Karel’s car, Levin and her younger brother chattered excitedly all the way to the hotel in the city’s most bustling and splendid district. These siblings had obtained visas by being employed by Sasha, and their other siblings would soon have the opportunity to settle down by being employed in Karel’s business.Lately, Karel seemed busy exchanging telegrams and letters with Julian, planning for the future. Sasha had not yet heard what Karel’s new, still somewhat vague plan was. All he knew was that the Ludwig family had already invested most of their capital in America before the war. Julian, studying diligently in England, seemed content to leave the coordination to Karel.‘Whatever it is, he’ll do an amazing job.’Sasha didn’t worry much about not being included in Karel’s plans. As always, he expected he wouldn’t be much help. That realization made Sasha feel a little melancholy.“Levin, have you eaten?”Sasha turned to the back seat and asked.“They gave us something light to eat before we disembarked. But….”“You must be hungry.”It was already past 4 PM. They got out of the car and entered the restaurant of the hotel where Karel and Sasha were staying.“Is it okay for us to go in dressed like this?”Before entering the hotel, Levin looked around anxiously at the staff, who seemed to be dressed more elegantly than she was.“It’s fine. You’re Sasha’s guests.”Just as Karel said, no one mentioned the appearance of the siblings, who had just crossed the Atlantic. For the first time, Levin truly felt that she had arrived in America. In the slum they left behind, accents and attire subtly hinted at social class, often leading to implicit discrimination. It would take some time to adjust to this new environment, but she felt good. Moreover, ‘Lord Scar,’ who always made her tense, was now gently holding a young child and speaking kindly, which somewhat eased her tension.It took less than 20 minutes from the time Karel finished ordering to the moment the dishes started arriving on the table. Levin and her younger brother were excitedly admiring the high ceilings, the ornate carvings on the window frames, the chandeliers, and the fresh flowers decorating the restaurant.“It looks like a palace where a queen lives.”“Does it? Feel free to come often while you’re staying. We can eat together.”Just as Sasha finished speaking, he suddenly thought of something and looked at Karel. Their eyes met briefly.But Karel was focused on the baby, pretending not to hear Sasha’s words even though he clearly had.‘Sasha, you’re going to have meals with Levin? You’re inviting her often? Then what about me?’Sasha looked at Karel’s profile with glistening eyes. Karel was clearly expressing this in his mind. However, he couldn’t outright forbid the meetings or express his feelings openly, thinking it would be selfish. He seemed to be forcing himself to endure it. If Sasha hadn’t known this, he would have thought Karel was being his usual indifferent and cold self. But now, his attitude seemed almost amusingly transparent.Sasha realized, anew, how little he truly knew about Karel despite spending considerable time together.‘Does Karel feel the same way?’Sasha’s gaze naturally shifted to Karel. If that were the case, they still had a lot of work to do together.Lost in his thoughts, Sasha was suddenly brought back by Levin’s gentle question.“Sasha, aren’t you going to eat any more?”“We had lunch earlier.”Levin nodded at Sasha’s response.They chatted as they sampled various dishes, like ribs glazed with a sweet sauce, lamb garnished with mint, ceviche made with diced sea bass and tomatoes, and grilled peaches. The conversation flowed easily, thanks to Karel. He had a knack for steering any discussion, no matter the topic.While Levin’s younger brother excused himself to use the restroom, Levin leaned forward slightly with a conflicted expression.“Sasha, there’s actually something I want to talk to you about.”“What is it? Is it a long story?”Levin shook her head.“Actually, Sir Julian offered me a job.”“…Really?”Sasha noticed Karel listening intently, pretending not to.“Well… it’s up to you, Levin. If Julian’s offer pays better, I’m okay with it.”“But I think this is more than just a job offer.”Sasha set down his fork and wiped his mouth, then focused on Levin’s words. Levin had an expression Sasha had never seen before—one of conflict and perhaps embarrassment.“He offered to provide a mansion for my family to live in.”“That’s great news, Levin.”“I don’t know if it’s right for me to accept it.”“Why not?”“I’m afraid I won’t be able to handle his generosity.”“Why do you think you can’t handle it?”“I feel like he might be approaching me romantically.”At that moment, Karel interjected without missing a beat.“I’ve also heard about this from Julian. Regardless of his true intentions, I think you should accept the mansion.”“But a mansion isn’t just a small favor.”“For the Ludwig family, it’s probably not a significant amount. Just accept it.”Sasha sensed a slight urgency in Karel’s voice. He felt a ticklish sensation inside his ribs.If Sasha’s intuition was correct, Karel wanted to distance Levin from Sasha. That’s why he kept urging her to accept Julian’s offer. It was an extension of the jealousy he had confessed earlier. The more Levin received from Julian, the more indebted she would feel. And, as with anyone, material generosity would naturally affect her feelings.Sasha felt a sudden urge to tease Karel again and to resolve his lingering feelings toward Julian—something he hadn’t realized he still had.“But Levin,” Sasha said with an enigmatic smile, “Julian loves philanthropy.”“Philanthropy?”At that moment, Levin’s younger brother returned to the table. He seemed to sense that the adults were having an important conversation, so he moved away from the table, holding Charles.“Julian’s feelings… hmm… they are probably sincere. He’s not a bad person. But he does tend to be driven by sympathy.”Sasha spoke, recalling his past with Julian. He had once relied on Julian’s sympathy to survive. While that sympathy had indeed been helpful, Julian never quite understood how it affected the people he sympathized with.“Whether Julian’s feelings towards you are sympathy, affection, or just philanthropy, I’m not sure.”“That’s exactly what I’m concerned about.”Levin nodded in agreement, feeling a rare sense of empathy with Sasha. His words were something only someone who had experienced it could say.“I once traveled with Julian a long time ago, and he showed me great kindness. He provided me with a personal physician, paid for expensive hotel stays, and even promised to sponsor me. And in return…”“In return?”Levin listened intently, her expression serious.“I incurred a debt I couldn’t repay.”“Did Julian ask for something in return?”“Of course.”“What was it…?”“I’m a little embarrassed to say it out loud…”Sasha fell silent, aiming to provoke Levin’s imagination.Levin’s expression showed a hint of shock. She might be misunderstanding, thinking Julian had made sexual advances toward Sasha.‘It was similar, but it was Karel, not Julian,’ Sasha thought.He let Levin’s misunderstanding linger. It was a small revenge for someone who had once treated him as a mere plaything. Sasha hadn’t done it intentionally as revenge, but he felt a sudden sense of lightness.However, the most surprised by Sasha’s words was Karel, sitting beside him. Karel slowly turned his head to look at the back of Sasha’s head, feeling as if it creaked. It seemed his partner held grudges longer than he thought.“What do you think, Karel?” Sasha asked.“I think…”Karel reached for his water glass, feeling a dryness in his throat.“As long as you can make use of the opportunity, I think it’s fine to do so.”“What if they ask for something in return?”“…You don’t have to fulfill that obligation.”“Really? Won’t the person being taken advantage of get hurt?”“It’s the fault of the person giving too much.”Karel’s self-reproach made Sasha smile slightly.Julian was already thirty-five. He wasn’t a confirmed bachelor, and given the size of his household and business, it was surprising he hadn’t started a family. Karel often criticized Julian’s lifestyle quite naturally.‘I always thought my brother wouldn’t get married. He’s been so picky since he was a child…’Karel was unsparing in his judgment of his adoptive brother. It was ironic, considering Julian had often worried about Karel’s romantic endeavors. Sasha and Levin thought it was amusing how the two meddled in each other’s affairs while struggling with their own lives.About a month later, Julian, who had applied for a sabbatical from his university, also came to the U.S. The official reason was to assist with business matters alongside Karel, but in reality, he spent more time trying to court Levin. In fact, it was suspected that this might have been his true purpose for coming to the U.S.Although it hadn’t happened yet, Julian would become genuinely serious about Levin and pursue her ardently for three years, only to find himself wasting time without making any progress due to her guarded nature. Sasha believed that it was only right for Julian to put in that much effort to win someone’s heart.‘See? How could anyone expect to win over someone as wonderful as Levin so easily? And they’re nine years apart!’Sasha would always say this, demanding Karel’s agreement. Karel could only nod, feeling a twinge in his heart. Meanwhile, Sasha subtly obstructed Julian’s advances toward Levin, a small act of revenge for the past. It was a long-awaited retribution, coming nine years after first meeting Julian.Ultimately, Julian won his love, marrying a woman from a previously unimaginable background—a member of the extreme lower class. It was an irony of life. Julian’s tearful proposal acceptance became a long-standing anecdote among Sasha’s newly formed “family.”Sasha remained with them, often telling people that ‘Levin is far too good compared to Julian.’Even in the future, Sasha pondered why Julian became genuinely interested in Levin.Sexual attraction.Intimacy.The benefits of being with someone.A bit of calculation…What else must be added to make one believe that love is genuine?What kind of love can be called destiny?If Karel and I had come together easily, would we have let each other go just as easily?Sasha’s mind was filled with deep thoughts about love. He hoped to unravel these thoughts with Karel.After dinner, they took Levin and her younger brother to their nearby hotel and returned with some simple supplies for taking care of Charles.Karel was still wearing his jacket, grinning proudly with Charles sitting on his lap when Sasha came out after a shower.“Sasha, I think Charles just called me ‘Dad.’”That couldn’t be. Despite his skepticism, Sasha approached Karel out of curiosity. Charles was babbling incoherently, expressing his thoughts.“Look, he’s definitely talking to me.”“What is he saying?”“Well, I’m not sure… It doesn’t seem like German…”Sasha chuckled silently at Karel’s awkward remark.“What language do you think he’ll speak first?”Their eyes met, and the thought of raising a child together filled them both with happiness.“Probably French? Levin has been taking care of him for a while.”“That might be true. But I’ve been singing lullabies in Russian…”“Is it okay if I keep speaking German? Wouldn’t it confuse Charles?”As Sasha took the baby, Karel finally removed his watch and jacket. Sasha watched him and voiced a thought he’d been pondering alone.“Karel, you said you were attracted to me from the beginning, right?”“Yes.”“How do you know such feelings?”It was always a mystery to Sasha. He wondered how Karel could commit with such confidence.Karel paused mid-action, lost in thought. It seemed he was contemplating whether to be honest.“We couldn’t even communicate at first.”“That’s true.”“Was it just because of my face…?”“That’s part of it.”Karel stepped closer to Sasha.“I thought there could never be another person as beautiful as you. It felt like I’d found a gem on the street and had to have it before someone else did.”Sasha waited for Karel to continue, but he remained silent.Karel recalled his feelings from that time. He had struggled on the way back from Russia to Paris, drawn by a man he’d briefly seen on the street. He remembered Julian dismissing his feelings as a fleeting sexual attraction and his own urge to resist that notion. He also recalled his needless worry that Sasha might just be a mere plaything, unworthy of real love.It was Karel who spent the longest time wondering if his feelings for him were true love or not. Moreover, that questioning had not yet ended. From his perspective, Karel had already crossed too many lines that love should never cross. Karel’s ideals about love were so high that he felt he could never truly love Sasha in the way he deserved.“But I can feel it.”“Feel what?”“That you love me, Karel.”“Well, as long as you feel that way, that’s okay.”In the end, it was always Sasha’s words that tied up Karel’s worries and comforted him.＊ ＊ ＊Before long, the construction of the mansion where they would live together was completed. It was a new home made by combining three houses on a single floor of a building in the heart of the city. They could have continued living in the hotel where they were currently staying or bought a large mansion by the beach, but Karel chose this place for Sasha, who loved the bustling city center.Karel, claiming that his international criminal record made his assets susceptible to investigation, transferred the property to Sasha’s name. However, Sasha knew that Karel simply wanted to give him a gift in some form.They visited the newly finished mansion, feeling as if they were unwrapping a huge gift. They walked down the sidewalk lined with tall, gently swaying trees and climbed the smooth marble stairs.Karel, hiding his joy at giving, opened the door for Sasha with a calm expression.“Do you like it?”As the door opened, Sasha responded by hugging Karel’s neck and kissing his cheek. Karel smiled silently at the brief kiss. He was relieved that the dirty money from his secret funds had found a worthwhile use. The hardships of his past as a spy were erased by that single kiss.“I love the high ceilings. What’s this? I thought that was the living room, but is this also a living room?”“I’m going to cover that wall entirely with mirrors.”Karel meant that he was creating a practice room in the house. Sasha’s eyes widened as he ran over and kissed Karel on the lips this time. Karel, holding Sasha who rushed into his arms, laughed out loud.Sasha continued to express his thoughts about the house, opening each door one by one. Karel followed him around, trying not to be more than three steps away.“This room could be Charles’s room. It’s bright and cozy.”“Then where will our bedroom be?”“Right next door, here…”“Hmm…”Karel hesitated as if he wanted to say something but then kept quiet. Seeing Karel gauging the distance between the rooms, Sasha asked,“What’s wrong?”“Levin will likely stay in the baby’s room often, isn’t it too close to the bedroom?”“The baby needs to be nearby…”“Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I want to keep her away… It’s just… Levin might feel uncomfortable.”Sasha realized that Karel was mixing some truth into his excuse.“Why would Levin be uncomfortable?”“…This house isn’t very soundproof.”At Karel’s words, a sudden burst of excitement flared in Sasha’s chest. Seeing the man in front of him hesitating made him feel incredibly happy.“Oh… I understand, Karel.”“Really? Do you understand?”“Yes. You don’t want her to hear us making love, right?”Despite saying he understood, Sasha deliberately chose the answer Karel didn’t want.“But don’t worry about it. Levin will go home at night anyway.”With that, Sasha abruptly turned around.Karel stared at Sasha’s back as he declared that they would only have relations at night. Feeling his gaze, Sasha let his emotions run wild. Recently, Sasha had been showing signs of mania, reacting with celebratory fireworks over small things.When he turned back, Karel had once again hidden his eager feelings and was simply smiling at him. Sasha forgot that if he accumulated too much resentment towards Karel, it would come back as a form of retaliation at night, and he smiled back.That night, Karel reminded Sasha of the limited time left at the hotel in a rather unique way.“Karel, you’re too, too fast. Mmm…”Sasha kept clenching his teeth to suppress his voice, so Karel gently tapped his cheek and offered his fingers for him to bite instead.“You can make noise.”As he leaned down to kiss Sasha’s sweat-drenched forehead, the deepening thrusts made Sasha weakly push against Karel’s chest with his legs spread. But to Karel, it felt as weak as a kitten’s pawing.“No one will interrupt us here… and no sound will escape.”“No, it will…! If someone’s in the hallway, ugh… they’ll hear.”“Don’t you like it when they can hear?”At Karel’s question, Sasha nodded. He realized once again that slightly bothering Karel always resulted in payback.“Okay, Karel. We’ll make the baby’s room far away. So… ah, ah….”“No? That’s not necessary, Sasha. You can place it wherever you want.”“But you said you didn’t want Levin to hear…”Karel gently stroked Sasha’s neck and chest, which were reddened from being bitten, and said, “It doesn’t matter if they hear.”“K-Karel…”“On second thought, it might be better if they do.”He then pushed Sasha to cry out freely, not allowing him to stifle his sounds by biting the blanket. Exhausted after hearing his own moans and cries echo freely, Sasha thought they would need to add more soundproofing to the room.Two weeks later, when they visited the house again, the wallpaper, flooring, and lighting fixtures were installed, and various pieces of furniture were in place. One corner of what would be the living room was filled with plants of various heights, and the kitchen was equipped with furniture designed and ordered by Karel himself. It seemed that Karel planned to indulge in his secret hobby of cooking in this space they shared.Sasha was delighted to find a familiar phonograph in one corner of the living room. It was a gift from Karel when they first lived together in the house in Pfalz.“How did you think to bring this?” Sasha asked, to which Karel only smiled. He absentmindedly thought of Georg, who had taken on the task of handling errands in his place since he couldn’t enter Austria. By now, Georg would be acting as Karel’s agent in the West, handling the influx of new business matters. A truly loyal subordinate.“Wow… When did you get these?”Sasha turned to Karel as he opened the door to the baby’s room. Karel just smiled sheepishly. Even he felt it might have been a bit much.The baby’s room, still not fully organized, was already filled with toys and books that would keep Charles entertained for at least the next five years. Seeing this impatient gesture, Sasha got a glimpse of how Karel might approach parenting. Just as Karel had done with him, it seemed he planned to shower the child with affection and physical gifts.Sasha briefly imagined the future of Charles, who had the same hair and eye color as Karel. While it was pleasing that Charles’s appearance reminded him of Karel, Sasha found himself hoping that Charles wouldn’t inherit Karel’s personality. Not that Sasha wanted him to be like himself either. This was one of Sasha’s rare rational judgments.After touring the house, Sasha reached for Karel’s arm.“Are your legs hurting again?”“A little bit today, and yesterday too.”Karel supported Sasha as they slowly descended the stairs.“We’ll need to install an elevator.”Since arriving in the United States, Sasha had begun intensive treatment for his chronically painful left leg. When the treatment first started, Sasha felt the pain had worsened. The doctor said this was because his dulled pain receptors, numbed by opioids, were becoming active again.Facing that pain, Sasha regretted it. Even knowing that drugs weren’t a cure-all, he had once recklessly pushed his body as if there was no tomorrow. Why had he done that? Perhaps he had believed that his life would end the day he stepped off the stage. It was a thought born of never considering life beyond that point.Sasha understood Karel’s sentiment when he said, “There are so many possibilities in life that it’s overwhelming.”“Be careful,” Karel said, supporting Sasha as he stepped down the stairs.“If the pain continues until the performance…”Karel’s voice was tinged with worry. Sasha kissed Karel’s chin to reassure him.“Everyone deals with this level of pain.”“But still…”Recently, Sasha had been invited to be the lead dancer for the opening production at a newly built modern theater in the United States. While many congratulated him on resuming his career as a dancer, Sasha felt a sense of urgency. He needed to get his body in shape and quickly acclimate to the pain.Injuries are a chronic problem for dancers. Sasha knew that no dancer was completely free from this. However, Karel seemed to wish that Sasha could be an exception, someone who could dance forever without injuries or pain.The doctor had praised Sasha for getting his act together now and scolded him for his past, warning that if things had been left as they were, he might have limped for the rest of his life. The look of despair that momentarily crossed Karel’s face upon hearing this…Just thinking about that expression made Sasha feel unexpectedly happy. The idea of receiving Karel’s devotion if he lost the use of his legs was appealing. Though Karel would never agree to that.“I should have brought my cane.”“Walking or running is fine. Today, it hurts because I practiced alone yesterday. It really hurts when I do relevé.”Hearing this, Karel said nothing but almost carried Sasha down the stairs.Once they reached the car, Karel sat Sasha in the back seat and then got in beside him. Sasha looked at him, puzzled that he wasn’t sitting in the driver’s seat.Karel gently lifted Sasha’s left leg and carefully untied and removed his shoe laces. His touch was like handling a delicate, fragile wine glass. Then he slowly pulled off the high-quality silk socks with some stretch. The exposed foot, pale with visible blue veins from lack of sun, had a well-shaped pink ankle bone and heel with a thin Achilles tendon and soft skin.As Karel lightly grasped Sasha’s ankle and stroked up his leg, the pants rode up, revealing a slender ankle and calf. Sasha leaned back against the seat, feeling Karel’s broad, warm hands gently massage his entire leg and foot.“Such beautiful legs,” Karel murmured, leaning down to kiss the top of Sasha’s foot. Sasha shivered slightly as he felt the warm, slightly damp lips touch his skin.Sasha felt relieved that his legs hadn’t been completely ruined.“When you were preparing for the wedding in Paris…”Karel lifted his head. Sasha impulsively wanted to confess his foolishness.“I once thought about cutting my Achilles tendon.”Karel’s expression hardened into a stone-like stillness.“I thought you might feel sorry for me if I did…”Sasha knew himself well. If Karel hadn’t stopped him, he might have happily cut himself, thinking only of running to Karel. If he had done that, how would Karel have caressed his legs now? Would he have cried, blamed himself, and been angry?Sasha wanted to have all of Karel, even the parts of him that were still untapped. The future that had not yet come was just too enchanting.“Sasha…”