Just A Friend

#49

“Congratulations on your acceptance.”

Those words were the only sincere ones. But he didn’t see what expression Kang Jihan made at that final greeting.

Nam Seonwoo walked past Kang Jihan. Until he reached the playground where they had started secretly holding hands after passing the tree where the caterpillar had fallen, he didn’t hear any footsteps following him.

In front of the apartment entrance, Nam Seonwoo briefly stopped and looked back. The snow-covered landscape was silent. Even the lingering image of Kang Jihan seeing him off until he sent a text message saying he had arrived home seemed to disappear, covered by that pristine white snow.

The first thing he did when he got home was to open the graduation album. The album, belatedly opened, contained moments he didn’t even remember.

Kang Jihan and Nam Seonwoo in their school uniforms, the two of them showing with their whole bodies that they were barely even on speaking terms. Nam Seonwoo burst into laughter as he looked at his own face stealing glances at Kang Jihan, and then at Kang Jihan staring indifferently straight ahead.

It was just going back to that time. Just acquaintances who knew of each other’s existence, former classmates.

Now it was really over.

The tears he had suppressed until the end now poured out helplessly like a broken dam. Despite being alone, Nam Seonwoo shook only his shoulders, muffling his voice as much as possible. His sobs, hic, uck, were awkward and clumsy like a child crying for the first time.

*

*

“Shall we break up?”

Nam Seonwoo said something strange.

Kang Jihan looked up from the chart. Nam Seonwoo was looking at him with an indecipherable expression. It was that face he had shown yesterday.

“Sorry. I misspoke.”

The expression that had been dismissed with a smile disappeared in an instant, making it impossible to interpret its meaning. Looking at that meaningful expression made him feel sick to his stomach. So much so that it might be better to just look at the chart.

Although he had read the chart several times already, no words were registering. Kang Jihan frowned. Perhaps because he hadn’t been home for several days, his condition wasn’t good. Considering he had pulled unnecessary overtime on non-urgent work, it was closer to not ‘wanting’ to go home.

He had gone home yesterday after a long time. He had intended to catch some sleep, but couldn’t even do that because of Nam Seonwoo. And now he came to the hospital to say, “Shall we break up?”

‘Why ask such a thing?’

Breaking up or not was a matter that depended on Nam Seonwoo anyway. It was an issue Nam Seonwoo could choose regardless of his consent.

He had sensed it. That the time was approaching. He could tell not only from Nam Seonwoo’s recent looks, tone, and actions, but also from his breathing and the air surrounding him.

A self-deprecating thought suddenly crossed his mind. Was that why he didn’t want to go home? But that was nonsense.

“Let’s break up.”

This was something he had been preparing for for a very long time.

It was words he had anticipated many times. So when he actually heard them, his reaction was just that. A nod of acknowledgment, thinking, So it’s today.

“Thank you.”

But Nam Seonwoo smiled. With a face that looked very relieved.

The sight of him smiling happily while bidding farewell was a scene that hadn’t been in any of his numerous expectations and imaginations. Nam Seonwoo, who hadn’t even shown his habitual smile lately, was now smiling more brightly than ever.

Just like back then, when he was nineteen.

For a moment, it felt like a humid summer breeze was blowing. It was because of that that he suddenly remembered the image of Nam Seonwoo, to whom the common school uniform suited better than anyone else, constantly drawing his gaze.

Nam Seonwoo, who used to approach him with that smile, always chattering to the point of annoyance. When he happened to walk behind him in the corridor, he could see the white nape of his neck gradually turning red, and that color would spread to his face when he turned back as if having made up his mind.

With that face that looked like it might whisper something ticklish at any moment, Nam Seonwoo bid farewell.

Like the end of summer, Nam Seonwoo left without looking back. But Kang Jihan couldn’t shake off the illusion that he was still left in that summer classroom.

After staring at the closed door for a long time, Kang Jihan pulled at his tie, feeling like his throat was closing up.

Finally.

Finally, Nam Seonwoo had left him. It was something he had known and prepared for for a long time. This suffocating relationship that felt like a chain around his neck had finally come to an end, but why…

Why make such a face.

Kang Jihan clicked his tongue irritably and put down the chart. He could see the porridge Nam Seonwoo had brought on the table. As he stared at it quietly, he seemed to understand the cause of this inexplicable uneasiness.

‘Was it during my residency?’

There was a time when Nam Seonwoo used to pack lunches for him. When he came back without having touched his lunchbox due to overnight shifts, the next day’s lunch bag would contain porridge. The porridge, divided into a thermos, was portioned into small containers so it could be eaten easily during spare moments.

But taking care of each other’s meals gradually turned into obligatory greetings. It was rare for them to eat together due to mismatched schedules, and they both grew accustomed to such a life.

That’s why. Because Nam Seonwoo had come to the hospital with porridge in hand, he thought that at least it wouldn’t be today.

…Yesterday.

Even yesterday, it was like that.

Perhaps because he had come home after a long time, Nam Seonwoo seemed a bit awkward. Thinking he might be uncomfortable sharing the same bed, Kang Jihan was about to leave when Nam Seonwoo grabbed his arm. And kissed him first.

It was strange that he initiated intimacy when he had been acting as if his feelings had completely faded. Feeling unpleasantly like a tool for sexual release, Kang Jihan didn’t mix his lips with Nam Seonwoo’s even as their bodies intertwined.

Yet Nam Seonwoo was uncharacteristically persistent. He kept trying to press his lips to Kang Jihan’s, embracing his neck, so Kang Jihan flipped over the body that was becoming a nuisance. Pressing down on Nam Seonwoo’s upper body as he tried to look back, Kang Jihan pushed in, and Nam Seonwoo gave up his whimsical persistence.

The now docile body swayed like a wooden doll, unlike someone who had initiated sex. Disliking this, Kang Jihan drove into him recklessly. Until moans escaped from his tightly closed mouth. Until he ejaculated while being penetrated.

That’s why he thought it wouldn’t be today.

Kang Jihan smiled bitterly. To roll around like that and then give a breakup notice the very next day. Now it could only be interpreted as his usefulness having come to an end even with those acts.

He cleared away the porridge on the table. The porridge in the disposable container had long since gone cold, like that bed yesterday.

After their encounter, Nam Seonwoo had immediately gotten up. His back as he deliberately went to the outside shower room didn’t seem like the same person who had been craving kisses. When Kang Jihan came out of the shower in the room, the bed was still empty.

At that time, he thought about having a cigarette. But he held back. Even though they were both smokers, it was soon time for Nam Seonwoo to sleep. So instead of a lighter, he turned on the bedside lamp and waited for him.

But Nam Seonwoo never came into the room.

The sound of tossing and turning on the living room sofa continued throughout the dawn, and as he listened to that sound, morning had already broken.

When he went out to the living room hearing clattering sounds, Nam Seonwoo was in the kitchen. With a face that hadn’t slept, he asked if Kang Jihan would eat breakfast. He couldn’t remember what he had said as he left. He probably said something about not having an appetite.

That was until this morning. He had gone to work and was attending to his duties when Nam Seonwoo suddenly showed up at the hospital. With that.

‘So he bought porridge for that.’

It was too generous for a parting gift.

Excessive kindness was poison. Just thinking about his mother’s case proved that. If someone was going to leave eventually, kindness would only become a scar. It was like shackles that trapped you in that time forever, unable to return to before the scar was formed.

That’s why it bothered him whenever Nam Seonwoo tried to accommodate him. It felt selfish. The kindness he lavished as if abusing it was no different from this porridge. Like porridge that spoils no matter how carefully it’s stored, it was ultimately just food waste.

Kang Jihan closed the chart and stood up. It was noisy outside the building, but regardless, the afternoon appointments were scheduled without any breaks. The view outside the window, which he glanced at due to the irritating siren sound, was just hazy.

It was a foggy day.

* * *

He couldn’t remember how the day had passed.

By the time he had finished dealing with all the emergency cases in addition to the scheduled appointments, it was already late at night. Thinking he would sleep in the director’s office again, the staff had left without turning off the lights.

His condition had worsened. His body, which hadn’t gotten any sleep, seemed to be pushed to its limits, sending signals from everywhere. It felt like bugs were gnawing at his brain. His thoughts couldn’t flow organically and kept getting cut off, and his temples throbbed as if they were about to burst.

…It seemed he needed to get some sleep today.

The last thing he remembered was grabbing his car keys. It was a wonder he hadn’t gotten into an accident, as he had no memory of how he got home. After parking, he didn’t feel like going straight into the house. Thinking he’d have just one smoke before going in, Kang Jihan went to the apartment entrance.

Smoking wasn’t a habit. But he didn’t particularly feel the need to quit either. If anything, it had decreased somewhat recently.

Because at some point, Nam Seonwoo had stopped smoking.