Just A Friend

#50

Kang Jihan knew that Nam Seonwoo didn’t enjoy smoking, but he always used to join him when Kang Jihan smoked. In his early twenties, Nam Seonwoo would come out to smoke together but barely touch the cigarette, instead chattering away with just the lit cigarette in hand. By his mid-twenties, Nam Seonwoo spent more time with the cigarette in his mouth.

At thirty, Nam Seonwoo no longer chatted. Even with the cigarette between his fingers instead of his lips, his mouth remained tightly shut. And now, he no longer came out to join Kang Jihan.

It would have been natural to refrain if his roommate had quit smoking. So Kang Jihan naturally stopped reaching for cigarettes. But now, he felt he had to smoke.

As he inhaled the smoke deeply, his head throbbed as if it would split. Still, it was better than feeling numb. The foggy feeling in his head wasn’t particularly pleasant. He had almost made a stupid mistake during the afternoon surgery.

Intending to smoke just one more, Kang Jihan rummaged through his pocket while unconsciously scanning the building’s exterior. His gaze fixed on one spot without needing to count the floors. But what he saw there made him freeze.

The light was on.

For a moment, he thought he might have confused it with another apartment, but that was impossible. That was Nam Seonwoo’s study.

Kang Jihan put out his cigarette and entered the building as if in a trance. Of course, the elevator was stopped at the top floor. He briefly considered walking up but decided to wait, just in case. There was only one elevator, after all.

After a while, the elevator doors opened. But the numbers climbed slowly. As his finger tapped impatiently on his folded arms, seeming to urge time to move faster, the elevator finally stopped. Perhaps because his brain was working sluggishly, his steps to the front door felt unusually quick.

Kang Jihan flung open the door and stood there for a moment. Nam Seonwoo’s running shoes were still out in the entryway. The photo frame on top of the shoe cabinet was also in the same place. After staring at the brightly smiling Nam Seonwoo in the photo, he slowly entered.

The lights weren’t on. Until he reached the living room past the entrance hallway, there was an eerily lack of any sign of life.

The only light was seeping through the slightly open door of the study. Unlike when he opened the front door, his hand was cautious as he pushed open the study door.

“…Hah.”

An inexplicable sense of emptiness washed over him. The open notebook, the lamp still on above it, the blanket draped over the chair. Traces remained as if Nam Seonwoo had just prepared to go out. The study seemed frozen in time, as if waiting for its owner to return at any moment.

The clock was already pointing to 10 o’clock. The only time Nam Seonwoo would be out this late was when he met with Park Gyuhyeon. When Nam Seonwoo was upset about something, he would often go drink with Park Gyuhyeon instead of Kang Jihan.

He had thought Nam Seonwoo came to pack his things, but it seemed he was out having a grand old time.

His mood suddenly soured, and Kang Jihan headed straight for the bathroom. It wasn’t until he was almost done showering that he realized the water temperature was excessively low. Perhaps due to the cold water, his foggy mind had cleared considerably.

When he came out of the bathroom, he hesitated for a moment at the sight that was exactly the same as yesterday. The bed was spotless like a display piece, without a trace of use, and the house was still quiet.

He looked at the clock. It was nearly midnight.

“……”

It wasn’t common, but in cases like this, Nam Seonwoo would usually end up sleeping at Park Gyuhyeon’s place.

Nam Seonwoo was quite a handful when drunk. Though he could hold his liquor well, he had certain habits when alcohol was involved. For instance, he would keep trying to lie down or take off his outer clothes. Since these weren’t particularly endearing drunk behaviors, on nights when he seemed to have drunk a lot, they would just let him sleep at Park Gyuhyeon’s place.

So out of habit, Kang Jihan picked up his phone. His finger paused over Park Gyuhyeon’s name in the contacts.

There was no reason to contact him. Things were over with Nam Seonwoo. It would be strange to call to say he wasn’t coming home, or to check if Nam Seonwoo was there.

Park Gyuhyeon knew most things about Nam Seonwoo, so he probably already knew about the breakup. Reaching this conclusion, Kang Jihan put down his phone and went to the living room. When he turned off the light in the study, the apartment was plunged into darkness. After standing still for a moment, he turned on a small auxiliary light in the entrance hallway and went into the bedroom.

It seemed Nam Seonwoo planned to pack his things tomorrow. If so, it would be better for both of them if Kang Jihan vacated the place early in the morning. Thinking he’d get about three hours of sleep, Kang Jihan lay down on the bed.

But sleep didn’t come.

* * *

It was an early return.

The house was exactly as he had seen it before going out in the early morning. Nam Seonwoo’s running shoes were still out in the same direction, and the bedroom door he had left slightly open was still at the same angle.

Kang Jihan stood quietly, looking around the house before picking up his phone. He was going to ask how long Nam Seonwoo intended to leave his things like this. He was about to call but opened the messaging app instead. However, after typing out the message, it seemed like he was rushing Nam Seonwoo to pack up and leave, so he deleted it again.

Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. Was Nam Seonwoo waiting for him to leave first?

He could guess where Nam Seonwoo was staying. Probably at Park Gyuhyeon’s place. Nam Seonwoo had known Park Gyuhyeon longer than Kang Jihan, so it might be more comfortable for him to stay there.

But still, it was someone else’s house. He couldn’t stay at someone else’s place indefinitely, so Kang Jihan should be the one to vacate first.

There was a hotel near the hospital. He could stay there for a few weeks. He’d pack some essentials now and leave, then call a moving company for the rest after Nam Seonwoo had been by.

That’s the message he sent to Nam Seonwoo. That he’d be out, so Nam Seonwoo should come and take what he needed. And to let him know a date when he was available.

They had lived together for a long time. Even though the relationship was over, there were still small entanglements of contracts and arrangements binding them together. They needed to meet at least once to discuss how to handle these things.

Kang Jihan headed to the room opposite Nam Seonwoo’s study. The door to his own long-unused study opened heavily.

Even after packing the immediately necessary items, the suitcase spread out on the floor was more than half empty. Wondering what else he should pack, Kang Jihan approached the desk as a thought suddenly struck him.

Opening the first drawer, he saw the necklace his mother had left him. The pendant, resting in a transparent case, brilliantly reflected the light it hadn’t seen in a long time.

Kang Jihan looked at it impassively before reaching into the case. At the very back, he grasped a box small enough to fit in one hand. Opening the box revealed a ring that shone as brightly as the necklace. It was the ring he had matched with Nam Seonwoo.

Kang Jihan briefly pondered how many times they had gotten couple rings. It must have been at least the sixth time. Due to the nature of his job, he often had to take off his ring, and even if he took it off for just a moment, it would always disappear without a trace. So once, Nam Seonwoo had suggested getting a cheaper one. Saying they might not get stolen as often.

But Kang Jihan had refused. It wasn’t about the price. It was because of the expression Nam Seonwoo would make when he said, “I lost the ring again this time.” It had become a matter of pride. A determination not to lose it this time, no matter what.

Even now, thinking back, he was amazed at his own stupidity back then, no matter how young he had been. He could have just not worn it in the first place. Then he wouldn’t have lost it, and Nam Seonwoo wouldn’t have made that face. So after realizing this, he never lost it again.

Turning the box over in his hand, Kang Jihan hesitated for a moment before putting the ring box in his pocket. He packed the necklace in the suitcase. It was an incredibly sparse amount of luggage, but there was nothing else to pack.

Before leaving, he looked around the house one last time. Maybe because the lights were off, or perhaps because all traces of people had vanished, the indoor temperature seemed a bit low. So he turned on the heating before leaving the house.

‘He should come now.’

Before driving to the hotel, he checked his phone. There was still no reply from Nam Seonwoo. Is it not even worth replying to anymore? Kang Jihan sneered as he turned off the screen and gripped the steering wheel.

* * *

Even after that, no reply came.

The message inbox remained frozen with the message he had sent a few days ago as the last one.

Looking at that screen, Kang Jihan realized something. Becoming strangers meant becoming people for whom replies were no longer a given. And it meant not being able to casually make phone calls even for simple matters.

… But even so, this isn’t right, is it?

They were adults, and they had known each other for fifteen years. Things that needed to be wrapped up should be properly concluded. With that thought, he drove to the house instead of the hotel.

Standing in front of the front door, Kang Jihan habitually took out his phone but put it back. His finger, hovering over the doorbell, moved to the door lock instead. He deliberately pressed the keypad slowly.

As he opened the door, Kang Jihan paused for a moment. Just from the air seeping through the gap, some intuition flashed through him.

“Nam Seonwoo.”

As if in response, the door lock clicked behind him. But Kang Jihan stood still in the entryway, waiting for a voice that would never come.

The heating was still running. Everything was the same except for the stuffy, warm temperature that made it hard to breathe. Just like when he had packed and left a few days ago, there was no trace of Nam Seonwoo having been in the house.

Just as he had found a solution only after losing the ring five times, now he finally seemed to understand the answer.

Nam Seonwoo wasn’t coming.

Nam Seonwoo had left, just like that, without coming back to pack anything.

As if acknowledging this belatedly realized fact, Kang Jihan nodded slightly. But he still couldn’t accept it.

He’s leaving like this? Without even coming by once, just like that?

If this is really the end, then that time…

“……”

Was that the last time?