Just A Friend

#48

Kang Jihan had been right. At the playground at sunset, Kang Jihan had said it. That they wouldn’t break up unless Nam Seonwoo ended things first. Looking into those dark, clear eyes just like back then, Nam Seonwoo mocked himself.

This time, I’m the one saying these words.

So much was different from back then. Kang Jihan wasn’t looking at charts but was making direct eye contact, and instead of feigned indifference, he was handing over a colorful bouquet. But there was something even more noticeably different.

Back then, his throat didn’t feel this rough when saying the words to break up. He didn’t feel like throwing up as if his insides were turning, and there wasn’t this piercing pain in his solar plexus.

“What did you say?”

Kang Jihan frowned and smiled as if he’d heard something strange. Seeing his face that seemed certain he had misheard, Nam Seonwoo repeated himself.

“Let’s break up.”

It was also a statement to himself. Facing that expression, he was saying it to his weak self who felt nauseous as if experiencing motion sickness.

Kang Jihan wasn’t smiling anymore.

“Why?”

He had prepared several answers to “why.” To focus on studying, to go abroad where his parents were, or just because he didn’t like him anymore. Even as he prepared them, he couldn’t help but laugh at these flimsy excuses. The reason for breaking up wasn’t just those things.

At first, he thought it was solely for Kang Jihan’s sake. Worried about Kang Jihan being left alone after he died, not wanting Kang Jihan to experience losing someone close twice. He convinced himself that breaking up was the right path for Kang Jihan.

But soon, he realized it was a contradiction. Breaking up for the other’s sake? Nam Seonwoo knew well that he wasn’t that selfless. The reason for breaking up with Kang Jihan was ultimately for his own sake, not for Kang Jihan’s.

His feelings for Kang Jihan had swollen to an unbearable degree, and he thought it would be better to burst them before they floated away into thin air. Floating in the air with feet not touching the ground was anxiety itself, never knowing when he might fall.

In short, he was running away out of fear. Accepting this selfish and pathetic truth actually made him feel more at ease.

There was no reason to watch a movie to the end when you already knew the ending.

“Answer me.”

“……”

“Why do we have to break up?”

Because I’m anxious about liking you too much. He couldn’t give such a sentimental answer. A breakup shouldn’t leave any lingering feelings or possibilities. So he just gave the cleanest and most irresponsible answer.

“Do I need a reason?”

“What?”

“Because I want to break up.”

You answered ‘just because’ when I asked why you liked me. So just let it go. He looked at him with such selfish thoughts.

Kang Jihan sneered at this brazenness. After staring at Nam Seonwoo for a while, he asked coldly.

“Did you wait to say this?”

The flowers that had been pointing towards the sky now faced the ground. As he watched a few petals fall onto the snow, Kang Jihan lowered his voice as if demanding an answer.

“To say something like this?”

“Yeah. I have to leave soon.”

“Where are you going? We’re not done talking.”

Kang Jihan moved closer as if not allowing any retreat. Despite the distance becoming almost intimidatingly close, Nam Seonwoo looked at him straight on without flinching. His face, devoid of any light like his pale skin, seemed beyond indifferent to heartless.

Kang Jihan’s face slowly contorted. His expression, cracked and frozen, looked so fragile it might shatter at the slightest touch.

“… Is it because I’ll be in the way?”

Come to think of it, it always seemed to be Kang Jihan who broke the silence first in this life. Nam Seonwoo saw his own image from the past overlapping with the current Kang Jihan – always speaking first to break awkward silences, to hear more of the other’s voice, to make the other’s gaze linger on him even a little longer.

“If it’s because of the college entrance exam, I’ll make sure not to bother you. You don’t have to contact me. I can wait.”

Nam Seonwoo squeezed his eyes shut. He had hoped for anger like before, not this kind of response.

“Or is it because of Kim Jaewoo? What did that bastard say that day?”

Even after being told that no reason was needed, Kang Jihan kept searching for one. It seemed he wouldn’t stop until he heard a satisfactory reason. When Nam Seonwoo lifted his heavy eyelids, Kang Jihan appeared as two people for a moment before merging into one.

… I feel like throwing up.

His voice, layered with fatigue, came out like a sigh.

“I said I want to break up. Why can’t you understand?”

“That’s why I’m asking why you want to break up.”

“Why are you so dense? I’m saying I can’t stand the sight of you because you ruined my college entrance exam. Is that enough?”

As he spat out these words, Kang Jihan visibly stiffened. After keeping his mouth shut as if at a loss for words, he soon spoke with a voice full of conviction.

“Don’t lie.”

“……”

“You’re not that kind of person.”

It was a certainty about Nam Seonwoo. Even if a misunderstanding arose, Kang Jihan’s unwavering belief in who Nam Seonwoo was as a person was reflected in his eyes. The moment he met those pitch-black eyes, so deep he couldn’t fathom their depths, Nam Seonwoo felt something break inside him. He desperately lowered his gaze.

The ground was now evenly covered with snow. Snowflakes had settled on the fallen flower petals. The petals, despite having fallen, seemed to melt the snow like they were absorbing it. As if rebelling against the snow that kept trying to cover them.

He felt like crying at the touch of hands brushing snow off his shoulders. He wished Kang Jihan would just let the snow pile up, but even in the moment of breaking up, he was unnecessarily warm.

After clearing his throat several times, Nam Seonwoo resorted to the most cowardly lie.

“I’m going to Finland.”

Kang Jihan’s expression quickly darkened. Seeing a hint that he had somewhat expected this, it seemed he had indeed been dwelling on that phone call with Nam Seonwoo’s parents.

“… You said you weren’t going.”

“I’m sorry. Things changed.”

The hands gripping his shoulders tightened. Feeling the unspoken pressure to look him in the eye, Nam Seonwoo slowly raised his head. Kang Jihan caught his gaze and asked.

“When are you coming back?”

“Who knows. Maybe in a few years?”

“That’s okay.”

As Nam Seonwoo looked at him questioningly, Kang Jihan forced a smile.

“I told you. I can wait.”

“……”

“I’ll visit during every vacation. I heard college vacations are long.”

“Be reasonable.”

“Why not? Just because we’re far apart doesn’t mean we have to break up.”

Kang Jihan seemed to think Finland was just some nearby place. Ignoring the anxiety behind his stiff, distorted smile, Nam Seonwoo corrected him.

“No. Breaking up is the right thing to do.”

“I can’t break up.”

The response came without a moment’s hesitation. Nam Seonwoo took a small deep breath at what seemed like an endless back-and-forth.

“Kang Jihan. Remember? I still haven’t used my wish from you.”

Mentioning the promise made during the September mock exam, Kang Jihan looked like he’d lost his words. It was utterly petty, but there was no choice. Since he was stubbornly refusing to break up, Nam Seonwoo had to be equally stubborn.

“… Is that your wish?”

Kang Jihan sneered. Nam Seonwoo wasn’t unaware of how his words might have sounded to Kang Jihan – not just asking to break up, but begging to be broken up with. Deliberately showing signs of fatigue and sighing, Nam Seonwoo saw Kang Jihan clench his fist tightly. The beautifully wrapped bouquet was already crumpled inside his grip.

“You.”

When Nam Seonwoo raised his eyes again at the voice that sounded like an exhale, he found himself holding his breath.

“You’re really cruel.”

The bloodshot eyes, on the verge of spilling tears, were glaring at him. The moment he saw those eyes, more hurt than resentful, Nam Seonwoo ironically felt heat rising in his own eyes.

“You’re not going to see me at all?”

Nam Seonwoo bit hard on the tender flesh inside his lip. He couldn’t let his resolve weaken. He had to be even more firm now. To make any remaining feelings completely disappear.

“I guess that’s how it’ll be.”

“……”

“Honestly, your reaction right now… it’s a bit much. I don’t really understand why you’re acting like this when we haven’t even been together that long.”

Kang Jihan was still young. It might feel like the world was ending now, but after meeting more people, he would realize how narrow his world had been. It was right to cut ties as quickly as possible, so that he would remember Nam Seonwoo as just a fleeting relationship.

“It’s just because it’s your first time, but you’ll understand later. That sometimes in life, there are unavoidable breakups like this.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

Kang Jihan was a mess, and it was hard to tell if he was angry or pleading. Nam Seonwoo felt so uncomfortable that he wanted to leave right away. So he finally uttered the most despicable words.

“Don’t act like a child.”

Telling a mere nineteen-year-old not to act like a child. It felt truly trashy to say such things now, when he had once worried that Kang Jihan seemed to have grown up too quickly.

As he dismissed all sincerity with that one phrase, Kang Jihan didn’t say anything more. Seeing his bitter sneer, Nam Seonwoo felt his heart lighten a bit. This face was better than the one from earlier.