Toxin

It seemed like Naro had come to this conclusion after agonizing for days, to the point where his complexion had become that of a ghost. I had no idea where or how to begin explaining things to someone so deeply mistaken.

“His Majesty did not threaten or coerce me in any way.”

“What are you saying…?”

“It was my choice.”

Naro’s face turned as pale as a bowl of pigment.

“You… You, what do you mean…?”

“Is it really that unimaginable? That two men could share feelings for one another…?”

Feelings for the murderer who killed my parents, even…

A dry wind brushed past my fingers as I lowered them. Even the slightest movement made me feel like Naro would turn and run, so I was careful with my breathing.

“You must be disgusted. I know that I’ve disappointed you, Painter.”

“…”

“Just pretend you didn’t see anything. It would be easier for you to think that none of this ever happened.”

Naro was too good a friend for me. I was just grateful to have known someone so innocent and pure. But now, Naro had an expression much like that of an anvil. I had expected his gaze towards me to change, but seeing it actually happen was far more painful than I had imagined. What were the last words the anvil had spoken to me? Even if Naro spat at me and turned away now, I knew I wouldn’t be hurt. I’d calmly wipe it off and walk away, and everything would be over. We’d had plenty of time to sort our thoughts, and I was prepared to face the consequences. Naro’s lips slowly parted.

“So, you think everything will be solved if I just pretend I didn’t see anything?”

“You can do whatever is most comfortable for you, Painter. I don’t care how you treat me.”

“Are you serious? Were you always this irresponsible? You should be groveling at my feet right now, but instead…!”

“Why should I grovel, Painter?”

“You lied to me! And now, what, I should act like it never happened?”

“We can’t go back to being close friends like before.”

Like when we used to paint together and stroll down the road together…

It was a painful thing to say, knowing how much I missed those times when Naro was cold towards me.

“Right! Why would someone like you need a lowly painter like me? You’ve got plenty of high-ranking officials who want to impress you now. Let’s be honest, the difference between being favored as a painter and being favored in that other way is like night and day. If you wanted, you could easily manipulate His Majesty. You’re smart enough to know which is more beneficial.”

I glared at Naro.

“I never weighed you against anyone else, Painter. I didn’t want anyone else.”

“You say that now, but one day you’ll regret ever associating with someone as low as me.”

“I won’t.”

“I don’t know what makes you so confident, but there are people from prestigious families who are much more—”

“I said I didn’t want anyone else.”

“…”

Naro closed his mouth. Time passed, and after a while…

“…Do you really…”

When I looked up, Naro, who resembled my mother, was staring at me. His dark eyes were filled with a mixture of wariness and hope.

“Do you really like me that much?”

I stared at Naro’s feet.

“Do you not want to answer? If you don’t, just forget it.”

“Yes, I like you.”

I answered calmly. Naro kicked at the dirt with his feet.

“I don’t like anyone else either.”

His voice had warmth in it.

“I don’t want anyone else but you.”

Dimples appeared on Naro’s pale cheeks. If my eyes weren’t deceiving me, he seemed to be smiling.

“Even if I act awkward for a while, please understand. After all, it’s a lot to take in—the fact that my closest friend tried to poison the emperor, spied on him, and on top of that, is involved with another man… I almost broke down when I saw you cry earlier. I won’t make you cry again!”

“I wasn’t crying.”

“No, I swear I saw tears in your eyes. I’m sorry for being so petty! I’m really sorry!”

He looked so adorable and thankful that I almost hugged Naro and rolled around on the ground with him.

“Hey, I still have some painting left to do. Could you help me out? My back’s killing me from working on it alone.”

“Yes.”

Naro and I walked side by side, exchanging smiles whenever our eyes met. It was just as we rounded a corner, sharing silly grins, that it happened.

“Gasp!”

Naro froze in place and immediately bowed his head to the ground. Standing in front of us was the Black Martial Emperor. Unsa, who was beside him, shook his head.

“Come on. Couldn’t you have made such a passionate confession in a quieter place?”

Ah, I bit my lip. It seemed like they had heard my entire conversation with Naro. The Black Martial Emperor’s gaze was fixed on me, then slowly shifted toward Naro. Whether it was fortunate or unfortunate, Naro didn’t know what expression the Black Martial Emperor had since his face was buried in the ground. Pungbaek’s expression was no different from the Emperor’s. I helped Naro stand up and moved aside to let them pass. However, the Black Martial Emperor remained where he was, staring at Naro intensely. Naro trembled like a captured rabbit under the emperor’s icy gaze. Finally, he collapsed and fainted.

***

I was walking through the garden with the Black Martial Emperor. The red leaves surrounding us signaled the peak of the season. With every step, the edge of his robe brushed against my fingertips. We stepped onto the bridge that crossed the pond, where the withering lotus leaves floated on the water’s surface.

“Could you be a little gentler with Painter? I don’t ask for much, just that he doesn’t faint every time he meets Your Majesty’s eyes.”

His gaze pierced me like thorns, but his hand gently wrapped around mine.

“Tell him never to stand again.”

“He won’t even go near the Yongjeon Palace because of Your Majesty.”

“Tell him to stay away for good.”

Even though the Black Martial Emperor didn’t stain his hands with blood, his indifferent attitude toward life was unchanged. Today, I was just thankful that Naro had made it back unharmed. I felt a bit angry, and I wanted to express that frustration. So, as we walked, I looked away and shoved the Black Martial Emperor with my shoulder. He wasn’t prepared for the sudden push and tumbled into the pond. The Grand Chamberlain, ministers, and court ladies following behind us were all aghast.

“Your Majesty! Oh no, Your Majesty!”

The Grand Chamberlain stomped his feet in a panic. Only the bodyguards seemed to be enjoying the scene.

It was my first time realizing the pond’s depth only reached the thighs of a grown man. The Black Martial Emperor slowly pushed his wet hair back and stared at me with an amused expression. I bit down my laughter. Unsa muttered in a low voice.

“Hey, you’ve got some nerve, pulling a stunt like that when you should be trying to impress His Majesty. You’re risking my precious five pieces of gold here, so be careful, alright?”

I was surprised that Unsa seemed to be betting on me not getting thrown out.

“What should I be careful of?”

“Are you asking because you really don’t know? Do you have any idea what you just did to His Majesty…?”

“Considering what he’s done, this level of revenge is quite tame, don’t you think?”

Unsa’s face hardened. I glanced at the murderer, who was now submerged in the pond.

“The person I need to impress isn’t him.”

Despite everything happening, the Black Martial Emperor seemed to be having fun, tracing the water’s surface with his fingers. The lotus flowers and the beasts, still stained with the scent of blood, seemed strange yet oddly harmonious. As the Black Martial Emperor walked toward the bridge, ripples formed in the water. I stepped back, wary of what retaliation he might have in store.

“You’re soaked.”

A drop of water slid from his nose to his lips.

“It’s fine. You’ll be wet soon too.”

His voice, drenched with meaning, made the back of my neck heat up. The emperor’s suggestive comment left the Grand Chamberlain, ministers, and court ladies flustered. Only the bodyguards remained indifferent. The Black Martial Emperor changed into a fresh robe brought by a court lady. After dismissing everyone, he and I sat together in the pavilion. The sky, just starting to set, resembled the flirtatious folds of a woman’s skirt.

“Isn’t it about time you told me?”

“Told you what?”

“Where you go every seventh day.”

“Imae Village.”

It was an unexpected answer. I had assumed he was scouting for another nation to absorb into the kingdom.

“Why there…?”

The Black Martial Emperor lay down slowly on his side.

“Because that’s where your mother’s grave is.”

I looked out at the distant stone tower.

“What do you do there?”

“I trim the grass, gaze at the forest, and sit in front of the grave.”

“Do you feel guilty?”

His gaze deepened. He seemed like a seasoned warrior who had been through countless battles, yet also like a child who had just discovered the world. Unaware of others’ pain, oblivious to their emotions. Could such ignorance serve as a pardon for his acts of slaughter? Blinded by his devotion to me, tormented by the thought of leaving him—could these feelings be a pardon for my betrayal? With a shameless face, I savored the autumn breeze and awaited the next season.

“Next time…”

He looked at me. His eyes were sharp, like the stroke of a brush.

“I wish for you to come with me.”

We soon moved on to casual conversation. The Black Martial Emperor rubbed his tired eyes before falling asleep on my lap. As I gently brushed his hair aside, he opened his drowsy eyes and looked up at me. His dark eyes were cold, firm, and trembling all at once.

As if he were looking at me yet searching for me at the same time…

He lifted his hand to cover my eyes—those eyes that bore a name. He stared intensely, as if he might pluck my eyes out at any moment, but soon, he fell back into an unbothered sleep. As the breeze blew, his hair scattered like brain matter across my lap. A nameless wind from the plains bent the stems of wildflowers. At the end of that wind, another season was beginning.