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Month 2 - Chapter 12: There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman

By the time I wake up, the biological Jedi save for Aqinos had left, judging by the fact that we're in hyperspace. Alright, time to get to work on remembering shit about Endor and what I need to do.

Firstly, Charal and her gaggle of diet Trandoshans from a feudal world. I don't remember a lot about her skills aside from illusions and that talisman that lets her turn into a raven. I'd prefer to take her alive, but from what I remember about her, she's a habitual position-jockey and has Starscream syndrome, which means I'd have to keep a very close eye on her and that would make my job a lot more complicated than it needs to be. I'll have to consult the others on this. 

Second, The bandits she's got as underlings are none too bright, but they're still more organized than most on the planet. Goraxes could be a concern, considering they're kaiju-sized cavemen. I'm also curious to see if Simon the Killer Ewok, the cheat code unit from Galactic Battlegrounds is someone I could hire. Probably not likely, but- right, that reminds me, I'd better use the HK-51 or Sentinel units as the translator to avoid HK-47 being a dickhead to the natives. They are, after all, pygmy wookies with a penchant for cannibalism. Hm. I wonder if I'll be running into a younger Logray. 

Ah, back to planning. Third, Endor has a lot of megafauna and castaways. There may be some poor bastards that got shipwrecked here.

Fourth, Morag the Tulgah witch. If she actually exists, she could be a problem. I don't remember her deal beyond being a petty hag and having access to something called the sunstone (Point of order, see if the Iron Knights think it may be a force relic of some kind if we encounter it.)

If the Ewoks cartoon shit is all here, then I'll also have to be concerned with the damned Duloks, who are capricious little shits that could cause delays or distractions, and also those not-Ogres I don't remember the name for, and the lite-Gypsies-.. Goddamn, there was a lot of lore to the cartoon I nearly forgot.

Lastly, I want a population of chickens. Chickens are tasty, and I don't really trust the Kaminoans to fuck with their genetics until they become as messy as that of the ones I remember corporations using for battery-farming. They're also pretty good for keeping grasslands clean, almost as good as goats, and I distinctly remember the Ewoks having chickens in the same films Charal appeared in. I'll also have to look into whether cows exist, because cheeseburgers are an American tradition I fully intend to keep.

As I consider all this lore, I send a message to HK and the Iron Knights to meet me on the bridge for a briefing when they're able.

- - - - 15 minutes later - - - -

Soon enough, the Iron Knights, including Aqinos, and HK-47 were on the bridge. 

"I assume you're all curious what we're doing next?"

Aqinos is the first to speak. "I presume we're doing something other than picking up stray Jedi Masters, considering Masters B'nar, Yoda, Ikrit, and Kina Ha have all taken their leave last evening."

"Correct. We are going to visit Endor. There's some errands of daring-do that your Knights can perform there, such as dealing with a Nightsister Witch, and I want to acquire a population of chickens. I've prepared a briefing for you all in regards to this escapade before we visit Mandalore afterwards."

"Observation: A Nightsister should prove an adequate challenge, though I'm not familiar with the Endor system."

"Good, because I've got that covered. First, the natives we're most likely to encounter are called Ewoks, as they have the chickens. Think pygmy wookies and you won't be far off. They're short, they're very tribal, and they may or may not mistake some of us for 'forest spirits'. Also, piss them off and they may use you for food, if you're made of meat. Next are the marooned Sanyassan Marauders." 

I use the holotable to pull up Terak's bounty, which was surprisingly still in date, and it included a force composition that estimated them to be around 30-40 members, plus Charal. 

"These feudal diet trandoshans barely understood how to fly their ship, presumably because they managed to get the jump on some dumbass smuggler that passed through the sector and stole their ship. They have a deal with a Nightsister witch named Charal, who, due to reasons unknown, has stolen a Dathomiri artifact that allows her to turn into a raven. I know, it's a little silly, but the Nightsisters are livid and I intend to use this opportunity to get on their good side."

I rub my forehead, before continuing.

"Next, the moon is absolutely infested with megafauna. Goraxes, for instance, are giant stone-age primitives that are highly territorial. Don't underestimate them, the Ewoks had successfully resisted a goddamn Sith garrison with walkers using traps designed to counter Gorax attacks. Beyond that? My intel on the moon is sparse. There may be other castaways, and I'm not sure of Charal's entire power toolkit beyond illusions and that artifact."

I close down the holoprojection.

"Any questions?"

One of the Iron Knights speaks up, one using a FLTCH droid chassis. "Any expectations on Terak's forces?"

"At most, shitty civilian blasters and potentially vibroblades. They're not especially intelligent, and they worship technology because they have no idea how to maintain or operate most of it. They may or may not have a castle, however, but we can check for that from orbit. In any regard, we will need to scout for landing spots for our ships. I recommend taking the time before we transition out of hyperspace to get ready."

- - - - Three months later - - - -

So… turns out it's a long ride from Kamino to Endor. Enough so that my attempt at briefing everyone was a bit premature. We had to stop over a few times to top off on fuel and divert from systems containing a heavy Cartel presence. I also spent a lot of time using the Holonet to start studying engineering, and I hope to, once I finish up at Endor, get a starship engineering degree over at Mandal Hypernautics, among other degrees so I can actually begin building my own projects. Heh, I could build Halo's covenant designs for landspeeders. Maybe I could look into nanolaminate for vehicle armor? That'd require a lot of automation -which I'm already going to be heavily investing in. I think both of the Mandalorian starship companies would be interested in an opportunity to study my warships, on top of the shitload of money I'm already sitting on. 

Speaking of money, turns out starship fuel is an expensive investment for my fleet. My account balance has been drained by half by both the Kaminoan project and the fuel expenses, though the asteroid mining we've been doing on the side (more like ramming them into smaller pieces, and having the probe droids pick them apart for useful minerals) has been relatively lucrative, enough so that it covers about a third of the fuel expenses, and it also serves as good training for bracing for impacts. Turns out, outer rim worlds with no major industry will pay good credits for pre-refined and prepared components for whatever shit they need. Maybe I'll have my other fleet start doing that full-time after I start building both fleets up.

During this time, Durindfire has also successfully sold the others on his new chassis, so now I have a gaggle of Shard Jedi running about in an HK-derived frame with jetpacks. Turns out, maintenance is a lot easier when everyone shares parts. They've begun using their own funds to start acquiring paint to differentiate themselves from each other, so it's gonna be fun. 

HK-47 has also been having fun, attempting to recreate firearms from Halo to see which he likes most, Covenant or UNSC. So far, he hasn't been able to recreate the Covenant's more exotic technology, like the Needler, but his attempt at a plasma rifle as a blaster was an interesting experience. He's still trying to nail down the more spherical shape of Covenant plasma bolts, which he estimates is marginally more efficient with gas quantity, but less efficient in time-to-fire. He's also been given permission to dip into the parts bin of the Shard-HK chassis, so he now has a detachable jetpack, among other fun toys.

Eventually, we end up in the Endor system. Looking out of the bridge's viewport, it's an exceptionally pretty view, especially since the Death Star 2 or its debris isn't marring it. I have my bridge crew droids start scanning the forest moon for places to land shuttles and the freighters, and have one of them send a message to the Jedi that we've arrived. 

By the time everyone's ended up on the bridge, the bridge crew has identified a few landing spots, and two castles, one considerably more improvised than the other. One in a dormant volcano, and the other near some plains. I suppose Morag will be a concern, after all. I assign HK to go nuts at Morag's little domain and to rescue any Ewoks, and he leaves before the Iron Knights arrive. He'll be using one of the shuttles, and he'll have HK-51 support. 

I assign two KT-400 landing craft full of Sentinels and HK-51s to prepare an assault on Terak's little keep, and Durindfire and one of his siblings end up going with them, to begin scouting the Sanyassans' defenses.

The rest of us ride aboard the Hazard to go land within a respectful distance to Bright Tree Village. Time to meet whoever's currently in charge of the main Ewok population. Yes, all of this for some chickens. I will not be denied my investment into having a long-term supply of fried chicken and other delicious Earth meals.

The landing site, or rather clearing, is about half a mile away from the village, and I already have spotted a few Ewok scouts peering down at me from the treetops. Chances are, they wanted to be seen. I have a pair of HK-51s with me, along with the small parade of eleven Jedi, ten of whom look like the HK-51s, but with robes. We wait for a while, politely, for Bright Tree Village to formulate a response.

Eventually, a delegation of very dressed-up Ewoks (by their standards) wander on up, in a looser formation than our own. The individual in the lead vaguely resembles Chirpa by fur pattern, but they're much too old to be Chirpa. Must be a relative. I don't recall the term for their.. Ponchos, but this leader wears a more ornate one than I recall Chirpa wearing, with a series of ribs being used as something between armor and decoration. Perhaps a form of armor?

The Ewoks are all armed, and begin their little spear-pointing introduction. The Jedi are all more confused than anything by this turn of events. Aqinos leans over to me. "Are.. we under arrest by these.. Ewoks, as you called them?"

"It's a dominance display. They're not used to offworlders and this is essentially how they always introduce themselves. Be glad they haven't begun guerilla warfare against us, because I'm sure at least one of us would be dead by now."

Aqinos looks mildly perturbed by that.

The HK unit begins translating their language to us a few moments after the chieftain finishes, using what I assume is adaptive software to actually piece together how the Ewok language even works.

"Translation: The Ewok chieftain has introduced himself as Chief Buzza of the Bright Tree Village, and has demanded to know why you have come to his people."

"Tell him that I am here to do trade, and that some of my allies are busy removing the witch Morag from her seat of power."

The droid begins speaking to Buzza, and the Ewoks begin talking animatedly among themselves.

"Translation: They appear to be debating whether you speak the truth, and whether you serve either Morag or Terak."

"Tell them that once my allies return from destroying Morag, that they may watch as we bring Terak's fortress down around him, and the petty warlord be brought out in either chains, or as a corpse."

The HK-51 translates that, and Aqinos looks at me, perturbed by that last statement. "You've sent your assassin droid after a supposed witch?"

"Morag is of supposed parity to a powerful Dathomir witch, Master Aqinos. I recall a story about her involving the corruption of a Wistie Queen and the subjugation of various local wildlife, typically megafauna. She is a deeply unhinged and petty individual, and I don't plan to negotiate with those who don't treat others with kindness."

"We will have words after this, Hatton."

"I'm sure we will."

The HK-51 finishes translating my interjected message to them, and the Ewok looks suspicious of me, but speaks a clear question.

"Translation: What do you wish to trade for, in exchange for these deeds you claim will come to pass?"

"I wish to trade these deeds for a population of live chickens, twenty or thirty of them." Aqinos boggles at me for that, as do the Ewoks as they receive the translated request. I smirk.

"Translation: Why our livestock?"

"Because, I haven't had some in a very, very long time, and I have many recipes for their meat and their eggs that I would be willing to share."

The Ewoks discuss among themselves for another few moments, before responding.

"Translation: We would be open to this arrangement, if your claims are true. We shall wait until your allies return."

I nod, and so the Ewok delegation leaves, and our group returns to the ship's cargo hold.

As soon as we have a modicum of privacy, Aqinos bears down on me. "Why assassinate the witch? How can you be sure that your stories are accurate as to her disposition?"

"Aqinos, most of what I know about this galaxy were stories that I read or watched or heard over the years. I know many things about the Jedi that the Jedi themselves have forgotten on account of those tales. Yes, stories aren't always accurate, and are frequently embellished, but I know how to piece together fact from fiction with one simple trick; look for evidence. If there is no evidence, it is merely a story. If there is evidence, Master Aqinos, you delve right in and figure out what isn't embellished. Disregarding information out of hand is a surefire way to be proven a fool at a later date. I've learned that the hard way."

He looks at me, preparing to retort, before a glimmer of realization appears in his eyes. "You knew the Jedi were wrong about my students. That's why you went looking for us."

"Precisely. Your students have the potential to throw the status quo regarding inorganic life right out the window. Ranting and raving in front of a group of people does nothing except waste time, energy, and solidify their assumptions against you. That is the failing of many Jedi that wished to push against the Order; they did not bring evidence and make sure the Order gets a facefull of it, and even then, rarely will they actually take it to heart if they're hardened against it. The Jedi, as they are, want to preserve the status quo, because they're predisposed to think that pacifism enforces peace despite thousands of years of evidence otherwise. A wise individual from my homeworld said it best; "Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times." The Republic is full of those weak men right now, at least in the higher echelons of society. It's due to collapse within our lifetimes if we let it." 

I sigh, relieved that my practice for that speech held up. 

"Master Aqinos, I don't subscribe to the moral absolutism of the modern Jedi or the idiotic social darwinism of the Sith Orders. I don't condone the killing of people unless it is absolutely necessary, and we do not have the time to waste on Endor by negotiating with people who have no plans to play along with us."

"Sith orders? I was under the impression there was merely one. Also, what is Darwinism?"

"First, the Sith order has always been just as fractious as the Jedi. There have been literally dozens of these splinters throughout history. The one we need to be relatively immediately concerned about is the Banite Order, those who have been performing social sabotage on an already unstable society since Ruusan. They're the idiots who think 'rule of two' is the best way to maintain their power. Second, Darwin was a 'philosopher' from my homeworld that made a lot of theories about evolution, many of which would have been hilariously bad if society didn't take them as the truth and enforced that in education."

Aqinos nods, vaguely interested in these revelations, and my lessons on Earth's wacky history of philosophy is interrupted by the sound of a shuttle. "Looks like HK-47 has finished flattening Morag." I stand, and walk outside to greet the ever-memorable assassin droid.

The shuttle's hatch opens, and I get to see the wonderful sight of a very happy HK escorting a handful of Ewoks off the ship, including who I assume is a much younger Logray, who has a haunted look in his eyes. 

HK-47 approaches me, and hands me the purple-and-yellow artifact of the Ewoks, the Sunstone/shadowstone plot device from the cartoon, which I then make a show of handing off to their chief with a polite bow. 

"Is this to your satisfaction, Chief Buzza?" 

Buzza gently takes the stone from my outstretched hands, and looks almost… ashamed. He begins speaking in a sedate manner.

"Translation: I must apologize, for I thought you offered the impossible. The deal sounded too good to be true, and I would not have been willing to bargain with a liar."

I nod. "Many would think the same. There is no shame to be had, chieftain. Now, shall we share the sight of Terak's pitiable empire collapsing around his ears?"

A vicious expression crosses Buzza's face. "Translation: I would greatly enjoy that."

I guide the Ewoks aboard my ship, and have us flown over to the edge of the plains to watch the fireworks.

We land on a particularly flat area, and all file out to be within eyeshot of Terak's castle.

I pull out my holocommunicator, and speak three words.

"Begin the assault."

The three shuttles, including HK-47's, begin strafing runs on Terak's keep, and the Sentinels and HKs, along with the Jedi, begin running full tilt for the now-destroyed gate.

- - - -

Within an hour, King Terak and his lieutenants are in chains, and Charal is being escorted by Sentinel droids to me. Surprisingly, the vast majority of the Sanyassans went down fighting, despite the Jedi demands for surrender.

Charal goes to her knees in front of me, definitely of her own volition. Before she can speak, I raise my hand to silence her. 

"Charal of the Nightsisters of Dathomir. You stole an artifact from your family, fled with a petty warlord, raided and pillaged the Sanctuary Moon of Endor. I have two options for you. I can either return you to your family so you can face their judgment for your actions, or you can swear an oath into my service and travel between the stars, in exchange for the Talisman of the Raven so it may be returned to your homeworld. Which would you choose?"

She looks positively terrified at this point. "I pledge myself to you! Please, do not send me back!"

"The talisman, then." I extend my hand to her, and I see her contemplating her chances of using a spell to trick me. 

HK leans in at this point. "Declaration: I have already dealt with your contemporary, Morag. She did not receive the choice between life or death." 

She quickly removes the ring and places it into my hand. I hand it off to one of the Sentinel droids, who places it into a small box.

"We shall go over your responsibilities after we leave this moon." 

She nods urgently. 

"HK-47, keep a close eye on her. If she decides to renege on that oath, she's your responsibility." HK makes a big show of escorting her to his shuttle, and I turn to Buzza and Aqinos, and smile. "Now, about those chickens."