Only Good To Me

I shrugged playfully and shook my head. Without giving me a moment to take my next action, Seo Hangeon exclaimed “I’m going!” and ran off. His black North Face backpack disappeared around the building. I stood there, dazed, holding an armful of Pepero.All the Pepero in the transparent packaging were almond-flavored.Come to think of it, there was no almond Pepero among the ones he held that morning. So what was this? Was it something he hid in his backpack? Then, did he leave the school gate early with his friends on purpose?Did he delay telling me his wish on purpose too? Even after several months had passed, Seo Hangeon hadn’t told me what his wish was. It was definitely intentional.In spring, you were the milk duty; in summer, the school violence committee; in autumn, the sports festival.And in winter, you were the kiss.🏐I finished the final exam of my last year in middle school, ranking around 15th in the whole school. There was no corporal punishment, but I remember my father being full of complaints. My entering an ordinary high school was the peak of the elements that prevented my father from fully accepting me as his son. The specific rank served as a basis for his scolding.With that score, you can never get into medical school, pharmacy school, or traditional Korean medical school. Do your best over the winter break so that you don’t get a grade 2 in the mock exams in high school. Otherwise, you won’t have a future.From a very young age, I had kept my distance from my father deep in my heart, so his threats, which were almost like brainwashing, didn’t affect me much. I only felt full of defiance. Did he feel satisfied only after tightening the noose around my neck right after the last exam of middle school?After confirming my father leaving with the car keys, I turned my head with a stubborn look. My eyes narrowed. I glared at the fancy wall clock for no reason.Lee Geon-woo’s internal medicine practice must be making good money for us to live in this new apartment and live comfortably. Because people needing his medical treatment pay regularly, we could afford a housekeeper. Because doctors earn well, the court must have favored him. Not like me, raised by an associate professor candidate who had let his doctoral degree sit idle for years and had just started lecturing.So that’s why he can go to expensive restaurants and hotels with his girlfriend. I occasionally peeked at my father’s phone while he was showering. Messages from adults, sometimes obscene, the receipts from restaurants that boldly displayed 220,000 won, and even the names of hotels costing 300,000 won per night.That’s how I lost faith in the permanence of love and became exceptionally good at giving up.Whether Seo Hangeon knew I had given up on him or not, he kept sending me texts and sharing snacks. It didn’t matter to me.He’ll stop eventually.People’s hearts and relationships change and eventually break anyway. Once high school starts, there won’t be snack quizzes, and you won’t be able to give kisses or Chupa Chups every day. When he starts flirting with a girl he likes, he’ll text less.My existence will fade away from you.It doesn’t matter. I’ve already given up on you.Really, it doesn’t matter.On Pepero Day evening, I texted Seo Hangeon. I told him I meant to give him Pepero earlier but couldn’t. He said he’d come to get it. I firmly refused.[No, it was just one, so I felt sorry to give it…]I was about to write that I’d treat him to a meal next time but hesitated, thinking it sounded presumptuous when I got a reply.[Where’s your academy? I’ll come over. I’m bored anyway.]This guy, who has so many friends, knows so many older guys, and has so many places to hang out, why is he always bored? I was about to write “Okay, see you tomorrow” when he called. Since class hadn’t started yet, I went out to the stairs to answer.“Hey, what’s up?”— Where are you?“At the academy.”— What’s the name of the academy?“No… I told you not to come. It’s a waste of transportation money.”— Why are you worried about my money? What’s the academy’s name?“I’ll hang up.”— I’ll keep calling?“I’ll turn off my phone…”— Then I’ll call Kangho and ask him. Okay?“…”Back then, I wondered when he got Kangho’s phone number, but knowing Seo Hangeon, he would have said that even without knowing it.— Hurry up and tell me!In the end, Seo Hangeon came to the alley beside the academy to receive the Pepero from me. He was wearing the same varsity jacket he wore on the field trip to Hwangryeong Mountain. A tiger was growling on the back of his jacket. Holding the Pepero, he followed me to the front of the academy, continuing to chat.“Your academy is huge, huh?”“Yeah. Only the second and third floors are ours, the fourth floor is another academy.”“Oh, I see. It says ‘High School Essay Writing’.”“The directors are different.”“Ah, I see. What time does your class end?”“These days, it’s prep school…”“Prep school?”His voice, expressing great shock, was still handsome.“Crazy. How long has it been since the final exam?”I laughed lightly.“Yeah.”From the third-floor windows, three or four girls were peeking out, lined up. I knew exactly where their gazes were directed without looking. They were probably wondering why this super-hot guy from Suyeong-gu was at this academy on Pepero Day, perhaps speculating if he had a girlfriend here.I saw the red Pepero box sticking out of his varsity jacket pocket. With his hands over it, Seo Hangeon shouted “I’m going!” and walked towards the main road. I watched until the tiger, lit by the streetlight, was obscured by the building.Even after the high school placement results came out, with the classroom atmosphere turning into a daily playground and the harsh winter before the graduation ceremony, Seo Hangeon’s habit of shaking his leg remained.‘I wish he wouldn’t shake his leg so much.’However, his habit of chewing on pens had completely disappeared, and the frequency of him biting his nails had reduced significantly. It was remarkable progress.Seo Hangeon, who never touched studying like someone who didn’t know what studying was, went to a vocational high school. Now with us in completely different schools, I could no longer keep an eye on his habits. My heart felt cold.But on graduation day, Seo Hangeon came to me with a hopeful trick up his sleeve.He came to me looking like he was covered in flour. Seeing the flour-covered figure coming towards me, I hid among the bustling school uniforms, avoiding my father, uncle, and aunt.“You can’t ignore me just because you’re graduating.”When I scratched my forehead and laughed, the white flour revealed the trick.“You know, I’ve got a wish to use on you, right?”“… Yeah. I know.”After a few exchanges, Seo Hangeon ran off to playfully smear flour on his father and sister. I was surprised by his sister’s lively spirit, which seemed anything but playful; she had the demeanor and face of someone who could pass for a college student. But that family seemed close. Seo Hangeon’s father, tall and thin, kept smiling benevolently.Even if your life is a mess, your father is a good man. That thought made me feel happy too. Knowing that having a good father would make you somewhat happy, I felt happy too.“Oh, Won-ah, these days, many families are getting divorced.”At the beef restaurant, while my father was away from the table, my aunt said affectionately. I nodded with a light expression because what she said was true.“But you, your father earns well, and you don’t cause trouble. Look at our family. Do you know how much this man lost in stocks?”“Oh, really. Don’t say such things in front of him!”“What, you’re a grown high school student now, right?”“Ha ha… Yes…”Since both were police officers, I thought they would overcome crises easily. I picked up a piece of well-cooked beef tenderloin.I eat beef dipped only in sesame oil. The dish with sesame oil that my father had placed in front of me was gone. I was puzzled to see it in front of my cousin who was engrossed with her phone, when my aunt kindly pushed a soy sauce mixed with minced garlic in front of me. I pondered for a moment looking at the thin slice of meat in the air. Should I dip it in reluctantly?“But our Won does well in school. With that cute face, you won’t worry about getting married, right?”“Yeah. This pig’s son here won’t get married looking like that. Ha ha ha!”“Dad!!!”My cousin glared at my uncle with eyes so wide that the whites were very visible; I felt a bit sorry for her. Amidst the noise, I pressed the bell. Ding-dong. When the call bell rang and it got quiet, my uncle lowered his voice.“Your mom too, huh? Honestly, she’s partly responsible for making the house a mess while using work as an excuse. Honestly, it might be better for her and your dad to live together simply rather than having the house in such disarray. Won-ah.”Responsibility? What responsibility was he talking about? Emotion worked faster than reason trying to find a rational basis. My expression darkened like the well-cooked beef, and my aunt looked flustered. I dropped the piece of meat that was on the end of my chopsticks into the soy sauce.“The house wasn’t a mess.”The atmosphere turned chilly. At that moment, I didn’t even realize what I had said. My heart started to riot late. I turned away from the three of them by focusing on the wet towel spread out on the table. Soon, my uncle laughed awkwardly.“I meant it in that sense. Oh, I’m not blaming your mom. Living life, relationships can go this way or that. Right?”“Yes, think of it as the end of their relationship and don’t worry about it, that’s what I mean, Won-ah. We’re just worried you might be stressed.”That’s when I learned there’s comfort that does more harm than good.As I gave a forced smile and only looked at the table, my uncle started talking to my cousin. The restaurant aunt slid the door open.“Yes~ What do you need?”With my eyes still downcast, I turned my head slightly and said,“Please bring some sesame oil.”🏐After recent moving, my mom seemed much relieved. Since she sorted out her life with my dad, I could feel a new sense of ease in her tone and expression. All the toxic suffocation I felt when she was with my dad had vanished. So, being with her made me feel lighter and happier. We talked a lot.“How’s your new place? Is it big?”“About… 40 pyeong?”“What?”“That’s my hope. It’s just a two-bedroom apartment, but it’s clean and nice. Come visit sometime!”“To Changwon?”“It’s just an hour and a half by bus. Come over, and we can make inari sushi together. You can stay over for a day on the weekend.”“Mom, you only know how to make inari sushi, right?”“Oh, no!! Look at this kid?”Mom would often come down to Busan when she had time. Listening to her talk about her work, teaching Introduction to Sociology and Modern Social Theory while roaming between university campuses in Daegu and Changwon, made me eager to go to college. Especially after hearing about campuses with beautiful landscapes, I often imagined walking around those green campuses with Seo Hangeon.I go to Pusan National University’s medical school, attending boring lectures. I register for classes, carry textbooks in casual clothes, and eat in the university cafeteria. I get a call from Seo Hangeon, who attends another university in Busan, saying he’s curious about my campus.I tell him not to come. Since I keep telling him not to come, Seo Hangeon threatens to barge into my lecture hall. He knows my class schedule and room numbers by heart. Once Seo Hangeon comes to my campus, we go to a campus cafe to buy coffee. We walk under the green trees with our takeout coffee cups.I had these kinds of fantasies while talking with my mom. Mom and I went shopping around the department store. She bought herself several outfits and got me a bag and some clothes. When she suggested going to buy shoes, I said it was okay.“Why?”“Oh, I made plans to go with a friend.”“Really? Who? Kangho?”“No, a different friend. The one who was on milk duty with me in middle school.”“Really? Are you close? What’s their name? I want to know too.”“Seo Hangeon.”“That’s a pretty name.”Mom gave me 200,000 won to go buy shoes with my friend and have a meal together. Even though I said it was too much, she insistently tucked the bills into my jacket pocket. As she drove me home and turned her Morning car around, the sunset shone white from behind.[If you’re going to buy shoes, let’s go together.][Why?][The shop owner gives me a discount because we’re close. At least 50% off.][Wow. Then I guess we should go together.][That’s right?? Sunday, OK?]Seo Hangeon managed to keep our connection alive with all sorts of tricks from after graduation until now.At the end of February, just one or two days before my birthday, we met in the bustling city center. Seo Hangeon, wearing a thick and expensive padded jacket with black jeans, had slightly curly, messy hair. The perm suited his smooth face well, although that hairstyle would be a disaster for my chubby, round face.“Did you do something to your hair?”“A perm. It’s epic, right?”I laughed. I was planning to buy the New Balance shoes on sale for 110,000 won, but Seo Hangeon kept pushing for the new Adidas shoes worth 200,000 won. Tired from his nonsensical sales pitch, I made a joking comment.“You’re doing this to boost your store’s sales, huh?”“No~ way. I’m telling you, this really goes with any outfit. This one, I’m telling you.”“I think this one is better.”“Please, don’t buy the cheap stuff. Please? Hey? Customer?”“I… like my cheap sneakers.”“Don’t talk nonsense and just buy this while it’s on discount. Hey? Make a smart choice, smart consumption.”The manager of that store, upon seeing Seo Hangeon, actually gave a discount. Not 50% off, but 80% off!And the 40,000 won I was supposed to pay came out of Seo Hangeon’s wallet. Before I could even pull my wallet from my backpack, Seo Hangeon quickly took his from his back pocket and paid. His laughter, like “kekeke,” sounded cheerful at my dumbfounded expression.“What’s that…? Why?”“It’s your birthday tomorrow, isn’t it?”As I stood there awkwardly with my wallet, Seo Hangeon put his hand on my shoulder, turned me around, and pushed me towards the exit.“If you’ve paid, please move, customer.”While pushing me with decisive force, he loudly greeted the manager.“See you next week, boss!”“Come by~”In front of the shoe store, it was crowded with passersby. While lingering by the door, I thought about how to resolve this. Should I treat him to a meal? Or maybe I should give him a birthday gift on his birthday? Should I just give him cash now for a clean resolution? As I was mentally searching for the best outcome, a clear voice cut through the noise.“Want to go eat for free?”There was a soft dry-cleaning scent from his padded jacket as he stood close. Seo Hangeon shook the paper bag with the new shoes in the air, smiling with his eyes.“If you don’t go, I won’t give you these.”I had no choice but to follow. It must have been around four or five in the afternoon. When he asked what I wanted to eat, I said something warm would be nice. Seo Hangeon cleared his throat slightly before suggesting we go to a seafood soup restaurant run by a friend of his. I readily agreed. Since I got 200,000 won from my mom, I could treat him to dinner and buy him a birthday gift later. I must have received over 100,000 won worth of snacks from him so far. It was hard to settle with just seafood soup, so I decided to think more about his birthday gift.Honestly, I was nervous. To sit across from him in a restaurant?It was the first time we’d be sitting face to face. Just thinking about the upcoming situation made my heart pound and my ears shake with nervousness. Despite the cold, my hands were sweaty from tension.Then, in that cold, we walked along the riverside promenade. I didn’t ask where the seafood soup place was or how long it would take to get there. I just followed where he walked.Seo Hangeon crossed the road at the intersection near the Cinematheque and headed down to the riverside. Since Mangmi-dong would come up after crossing the river by walking along the promenade, it didn’t seem far from home. Unlike me, stiffened by tension and unable to think of what to say, Seo Hangeon kept talking casually.When it was quiet for a moment, he would start talking again, giving me space to add to my answers. He didn’t cut me off or ignore my responses. As time passed, I could relax my mind.“How do you study so well?”He was good at making me laugh.“Really, I’m curious. You’re always second or third in the class.”“How did you know?”“I just picked it up here and there.”“A few hits from my dad do the trick.”I must have felt much more at ease. Seo Hangeon laughed lightly at my silly joke. I spread an awkward smile towards the river.“I was kidding.”“You’re really a unique character, the more I know you. Your mouth and face work separately.”“Huh?”“You say things like that without even blinking?”When I looked beside me, Seo Hangeon was watching me with interest. He didn’t ask more about my joke.After walking for a while, I told him that I was actually a year older than the other kids. My mother took me back to Korea after finishing her doctoral studies, which delayed my elementary school start by a year. I was surprised to hear that Seo Hangeon had taken a year off when his mother was diagnosed with cancer so the family could spend time together. We had in common that we would turn twenty before anyone else in our senior year of high school.The sunset painted my instep with color. I brought up the thing I was most curious about.“Why didn’t you go to a sports high school?”“Ah, that sports high school crap. Fuck it, what would I do there? Even if you graduate, you’re either a professional athlete or a coach. I’m already doing coaching.”“Oh.”“Because my family went bankrupt. I didn’t have the money to prepare for a sports high school.”“Oh.”“Real estate scam.”Seo Hangeon explained how his father had tried to make money through real estate investment but got scammed out of over 100 million won. This was the money his father, who worked as a welfare center manager, had saved over the years after spending most of it on his wife’s cancer treatment, plus some money borrowed from friends.“There was this land here, and in a few years, this or that development would go up, the land price would rise, but if you buy now, you can get it at a very low price. But all the documents were fake, and there was another real owner of the land; they fell for such nonsense.”They sold their original house and became penniless, with debt collectors showing up every day. Most of his father’s salary went to paying off debts. This happened when Seo Hangeon had just entered middle school, five years after his mother passed away from bile duct cancer.So, Seo Hangeon had to earn money himself. To afford the expensive shoes, clothes, and bags needed to maintain his status at the top of the hierarchy, he quickly took to riding a motorcycle, matching his large stature.That was the key difference between him and those other punk kids, and to me, it was everything. He didn’t cry or despair over his situation. He didn’t blame others or transfer his anger. He took action. He faced life head-on. He earned money and shared the responsibilities of his fragile father.And he could still grin. Even if people pointed at him, calling him a delinquent who just rides motorcycles, saying he would grow up without any skills because he didn’t study, I thought he was truly cool. I liked this Seo Hangeon. Facing life head-on, it’s not something just anyone can do.He had to become an adult early. He filled the gap left by skipping the appropriate time for maturity with the thrill of nighttime escapades, small acts of rebellion, and the libido of fleeting romances. No matter how much he filled that gap, his heart always seemed slightly off its mark, floating in the air, which is why Seo Hangeon shook his leg and bit his nails.After listening to Seo Hangeon’s story, my thoughts changed from ‘I wish he wouldn’t shake his leg’ to ‘I want to help him stop shaking his leg.’But how could I do that?How could I, with my black-wristwatch-wearing self, do that?I resolved to try harder. It was past five, and the sun was setting. We walked along the river for over an hour until the short winter sun completely set. In that cold. For 1 hour and 20 minutes, I didn’t even think about dividing a second into fifths.The place was a seafood hotpot restaurant with the atmosphere of a bar. The noise of the world was lively. I had never been to such a noisy bar, so I was a bit stunned. People who were feeding off stress, filling their cups with energy and hope. The place was full of vitality.As soon as Seo Hangeon entered the shop, he exchanged some rough language with a high school-looking part-timer.“Get to work, you punk. You’re on the school violence committee?”“Fuck off. What should I do? That was ages ago!”“How did it end up?”“Community service.”“Damn, man. You cause trouble even after all that.”The owner, who joined the conversation, looked to be in his early thirties. The young owner widened his eyes at me.“Who’s this? Your cousin?”“He’s a friend.”“Friend??”“Yes. We were in the same class before.”The owner pointed at Seo Hangeon and jokingly warned me.“Student, don’t hang out with this guy. He brought you to a bar. He’s rotten.”“Aren’t I a student, boss?”“You’re just a troublemaker who causes chaos.”“Wow, that’s harsh.”Seo Hangeon grinned.“I won’t cause any more trouble.”We ordered the medium-sized seafood hotpot for two. I agreed with Seo Hangeon’s opinion that the small size wouldn’t be enough. Seo Hangeon had asked the owner in advance, so we were led to a warm floor-seated table.Once we closed the plastic partition, the noise decreased, and the space felt smaller. The feeling of being alone with him was strong. After being in the cold, sitting on the hot floor made my body warm up nicely.It seemed like we would definitely go past the 8 PM curfew. I lied to my dad, saying I would be late because I was having dinner with friends in Seomyeon. After about 5 minutes, I got a reply saying [Come home quickly].While I was checking my phone, Seo Hangeon didn’t say anything, but it seemed like he was watching me. As I looked up, I met his lazy yet intense gaze.I was startled and averted my eyes, pretending to look at the calendar and menu on the opposite wall. From across, I heard a shameless voice.“Guys who study well all look like nerds. Why do you look so cute?”“Huh?”My body, already heated from the hot floor, got even hotter. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks. I tried to hide my embarrassment with an awkward smile. Seo Hangeon kept his eyes on me without any change in expression, so I couldn’t look straight ahead.“Can I touch your cheek just once?”I felt troubled. I shook my head firmly.“That’s a bit…”“Just once.”“No.”“Why?”“No way.”He muttered, “You don’t like it, you don’t like it,” and finally took his eyes off me. I sighed in relief inside. Amidst the sound of rummaging through the cutlery, I heard a casual remark.“Rice cake.”“Huh?”When I asked again, Seo Hangeon shook his head and hands, signaling me not to mind. But then, a little later, he said something weird again.“White rice cake.”“…Huh?”“No, never mind.”Just then, the part-timer came in. While setting up the large hotpot in the middle and arranging the table, they talked about bikes. From what I could gather, Seo Hangeon seemed to be into bikes and was part of a bike club or something. Being clueless about bikes, I sat quietly, eavesdropping on their conversation.Seeing the clear, bubbling broth made me hungry. Various sizes of clams, king prawns, crab, short-arm octopus, and whole squid were cooking with vegetables, looking appetizing.As I savored each visual element, a plate of steamed egg and peanuts was suddenly pushed in front of me.“Are you hungry?”“Yeah, a bit.”Seo Hangeon laughed a lot at my quick and accurate response. He laughed while holding his breath, then picked up the tongs and scissors and said,“Man, you’re so cute… hehe…”Since he was holding shrimp with the tongs, I guessed he was talking about the shrimp. No, I had to guess that. Otherwise, I felt I wouldn’t be able to handle the situation. Not wanting to meet those two hot eyes, I buried my head down. I scooped some steamed egg into my mouth. As I moved my chopsticks towards the peanut dish, the “kiss ghost” started showing his true colors.“Can’t I just touch it once? Your cheek?”Now, irritation was creeping up. It felt like he was making things difficult on purpose, and I thought it was somewhat inconsiderate. As my expression soured, Seo Hangeon backed off.“Alright, I won’t. Eat.”Seo Hangeon was wearing an oatmeal-colored sweatshirt. He used the oatmeal-colored sleeve to scoop out seafood, vegetables, and broth onto my plate, creating harmony. I started by eating the cooked bean sprouts and picked up a plump piece of short-arm octopus. Thinking that I was too quiet and that’s why he kept making weird comments, I decided to talk to him.“But… did you really almost fight with the science teacher in your first year?”“That bastard. I almost beat him up for real. I wanted to smash his jaw.”Even recalling it made Seo Hangeon so angry that he slammed the ladle on the table. When I flinched, he said, “Sorry,” and stuffed bean sprouts into his mouth. I crunched on the octopus, and Seo Hangeon chewed the bean sprouts loudly. After swallowing, I responded.“But… hitting a teacher would be a big deal.”“I don’t know. When I’m pissed, I don’t see that. That bastard, being a teacher.”“If I had been there… I think I would have been angry too.”This was partly to support him, saying the science teacher’s behavior was out of line, and also to reveal a bit of my inner feelings. If you had suffered such an injustice in front of me, I might have cried — that’s what I was trying to say indirectly.But was it a mistake? At my words, Seo Hangeon’s gaze, now lazy again, fixed firmly on my face.“You’re only eating octopus and squid.”“…Yeah, I like things that are chewy.”“Chewy things.”“Yeah.”“I like that too. Chewy but soft.”His persistent gaze suddenly turned mischievous, mocking me. My heart thumped. I reached for the wet towel, but Seo Hangeon snatched it away playfully. Unable to look straight ahead, I stared at the alligator logo on his oatmeal-colored sweatshirt.“I’ll use my wish now.”Do you want to touch my cheek that badly?“Let’s have a kiss.”So, he meant touching my cheek with his lips.Overwhelmed by embarrassment, I covered my face with one hand and let out a laugh mixed with a sigh. Even though I showed my discomfort, Seo Hangeon said nothing. He waited patiently until I looked him in the eye, then slightly hardened his expression.“You know you have to grant my wish, right?”“……”Instead of thinking of a response, I decided to accept reality. If he was going to keep teasing me like this during dinner, it would be better to get it over with quickly. Besides, I’m good at giving up.I swallowed once and listened to the noise beyond the partition. The noisy outside seemed oblivious to us. I said, pouting,“Do it quickly. No one’s watching now…”“Pfft…!”Seo Hangeon laughed like a sinister villain in a movie. He made a series of deflating sounds with his mouth, then his face suddenly turned stern.“Are you kidding?”“……”“You think I’d use my wish for that? No way.”After my brain worked quickly, it came up with one answer. Seeing my eyes shake widely, Seo Hangeon erased his expression even more leisurely.“Not that kiss. A long kiss.”