Only Good To Me

It was a hot day where sweat would start to soak through my uniform as soon as it was 7 AM. Our living room had a fancy air conditioner, but it was rarely turned on. I quietly divided each second into five parts while eating cucumber cold soup. Breakfast with my father was always a chore. Without TV, I might have gotten indigestion every day.It seemed like my father was looking at me. I slurped up the soup even more quietly.“Cut your bangs to make them cooler. In this heat, with your hair covering your face, you’ll get more pimples.”Recently, instead of comments about not growing taller, pimples had taken their place. The pimples on my cheeks and concentrated on my forehead and between my eyebrows were a big stress for me too. The red marks stood out even more against my pale complexion, making me feel self-conscious every time Seo Hangeon looked at my face.I knew what kind of hair my father was talking about. It was the result you get from going to a beauty salon run by elderly aunts. With that hairstyle and pimples showing, I wouldn’t be able to hold my head up. No, I wouldn’t even be able to go to school.My expression automatically hardened. I shook my head while mumbling:“Ah…”“What? Speak clearly, you mumble too much.”“…I… don’t want to cut it.”That was a lie if I said I wasn’t scared. I fixed my eyes on the ice floating in the cold soup, trying to suppress my thumping heart. I could feel my father’s sharp gaze on my pimples. My heart was beating anxiously.“Why?”“Just, nowadays, all the kids are wearing their bangs down.”“Do you have to do whatever everyone else is doing?”“…”“With your face covered like that, what’s so important about trends?”It’s not about trends, it’s about Seo Hangeon. I retorted to myself.“Cut it nicely to cool down.”“Ah, no. I don’t want to.”That was almost my first act of rebellion in my memory. It’s laughable. My teenage years were so monotonous that I would reminisce about this as an act of rebellion. Anyway, I was surprised by my sudden answer, but I didn’t show it. I kept my face down and divided each second into five parts. Contrary to my fear of him shouting, my father just sighed and left the table.“Tsk.”And so, I defended my bangs. My first successful battle in life was fought to show Seo Hangeon as few pimples as possible.The subject of my imagination from the previous night sent me a KakaoTalk message as soon as morning came. Walking from my father’s car to the school gate, I received a message from Seo Hangeon.[Are you okay now?]I had felt bad for cutting off the conversation so coldly last night, worried I might have embarrassed him, but fortunately, Seo Hangeon seemed to think nothing of it. It relieved my uneasy feeling a bit.[Strawberry or grape flavor?] [? Which one do you want?]Why is Seo Hangeon doing this to me? Even though he has a girlfriend. I can’t forgive him.I had actually resolved these thoughts last night.As I mentioned before, I give up quickly. I have the advantage of quickly coming to terms with and letting go of things that don’t go my way. My phone vibrated again.[Choose quickkkly] [Quickly lol]When I thought of him as something that could never be mine, my heart felt lighter. I just had to not expect anything. Whether Seo Hangeon sent me these messages or not, I decided not to attribute any meaning to them. Giving up made my mind feel so clear and comfortable. With that clear feeling, I replied:[Grape flavor.]Seeing Seo Hangeon’s immediate reply made me excited again.[Will deliver lol]I can’t forgive you. For playing with people’s hearts, for being good at politics and cunning. And for me, who gets swayed by just one of your playful messages. I can’t forgive myself either. I shook my head slightly to try and forget the excitement from just a moment ago.Seo Hangeon always arrived at school just five minutes before the bell rang. The funny thing was, he was never late. It’s said that people who do sports don’t know how to be late.Five minutes before the bell, Seo Hangeon entered the classroom and tossed a melted Choco Boy grape on my desk. The same grape-flavored Choco Boy landed on Kangho’s desk too. This was also one of Seo Hangeon’s political maneuvers.The next day, this KakaoTalk came:[Almond nude Oreo plain] [?? lol What?]After thinking about it for a while, I figured out it was about Pepero from the hint ‘nude’.[Almond..]Since I had no expectations or meaning attached, it felt like just a fun quiz. I shamelessly emptied Seo Hangeon’s pocket money every morning.[Mom’s Hand Pie Big Pie Apple Pie Choco Pie][Apple Pie and Mom’s Hand Pie.][lol lol lol lol lol lol lol okay]Sometimes, I would even choose two, shamelessly. Around that time, on days when I got the snack quiz KakaoTalk, I became self-conscious about the classmates’ looks, so I waited for Seo Hangeon near the school gate. On those days, it meant Seo Hangeon wasn’t coming to school with friends, so we would meet at the main gate and go to the classroom together, sometimes carrying milk crates on the way.[White or black?][Black lol]I thought it was chocolate, but it turned out to be a phone case. He handed me a trendy case he got from a friend who runs a phone accessory shop. Honestly, it wasn’t my taste; I preferred a clear case. But out of courtesy, I thought I should use it for a month or two, and Seo Hangeon burst out laughing.“Your expression is so honest.”“Huh?”“Give it here.”Seo Hangeon took back the case and handed me dark chocolate instead, throwing it to me. He kept snickering, finding something funny. That day, his iPhone 5 had the trendy case he had given to me and then taken back.Feeling a bit sorry and because I had received so much, the next day, I decided to empty my own pocket money. Thinking back now, I wonder what I was thinking.Bravely, what I bought for Seo Hangeon was a set of Monami pens in different colors.A look of enjoyment spread across Seo Hangeon’s face as he looked between the pens and me. He smiled with extreme endorphin as if he had found a very interesting opponent in a duel. He bit his tongue slightly at the end of a thin smile and looked down at me.After that, I rarely saw Seo Hangeon chewing on Monami pens.[Nike Adidas Puma][Adidas hehe][How do you know it’s Adidas lol lol][I don’t know, hehe]It was socks. I wore those socks very often. Whenever I saw them in my closet after laundry, I would take them out and wear them. And wearing those socks, I managed to recover my ranking to 15th in the school for the final exams.🏐Kangho said he was going to a regular high school. Kangho had a clear goal. He wanted to go to Korea National University of Education to become either a lecturer at the graduate school of education or a researcher. Kangho, with such dreams, seemed cool to me.“Kangho. How do you know what you want to do? That’s amazing.”To my question, Kangho yawned widely and replied nonchalantly:“Don’t know? I just liked the name of Korea National University of Education, so I looked into it, and that’s how I found this path. Plus, the word ‘researcher’ sounds nice too.”My future was set to be either a doctor or a pharmacist. I didn’t particularly want to do anything, nor did I have a university name that I liked like Kangho did. Achieving 15th in the school with such a mindset was nothing short of miraculous. I always thought this was all thanks to the one person who made me want to go to school.“But you’ve grown a lot, Won.”“Really?”“Seems like you’re taller than me now?”During the physical checkup in April, I was measured at 175 cm, but it looked like I had grown a bit more. As I grew, my body became leaner, but my face remained round, which was always a source of dissatisfaction whenever I looked in the mirror.“Let’s end this!”The atmosphere in the academy was relaxed as the final exams were over and summer vacation was approaching. Juyong came dragging his slippers.“Let’s end this.”Kangho responded with a high-gag after a long time.“Instead of ending it, let’s anesthetize it.”Taking advantage of Juyong’s giggling, I responded with an excited feeling:“Instead of anesthetizing, let’s April it.”On Sunday, my mom came home. Whether it was intentional or not, my father wasn’t there, and I made and ate sushi rolls and cold soba with my mom.“Did you change your watch?”“Yes.”“Do you need anything else? I can’t remember.”“No, I still have one left.”Since my grandparents on my mother’s side are from Incheon, my mom speaks in Seoul dialect. The Seoul dialect and the local dialect intertwined affectionately. I ate my soba noodles with loud slurping sounds, feeling at ease.“No, you’ve grown even more in this short time! Didn’t I come here last week?”“Hmm? No. You came on the second Saturday of June.”“…”“I remember because it was the week the exams ended.”“Won—ah.”Mom, who had taken off her summer jacket and hung it on the dining chair, suddenly stiffened her expression. I observed her change of expression while chewing on sushi.“Won—ah. Mom and Dad are going to get a divorce.”I paused chewing, then nodded my head slowly. Mom explained calmly:“As you know, Mom has lectures in Daegu and Changwon, and going back and forth to Busan has made things difficult, so I’ve grown apart from your father. That’s how it happened. Since you’re about to be in high school, you should understand… the situation, right?”“Yes.”The reason for the distance between my parents wasn’t Mom’s job. The weekend marriage had just put a clear marker on an already finished relationship between the two.At that time, I didn’t know how far apart my parents could get. I vaguely thought they would fight and then go back to how things were before. But that wasn’t the case. I was completely unprepared for my parents’ separation.Unlike me, who was deeply shocked, noon, with the sound of cicadas, was peaceful. It was a hot, bright summer day.“We’ll start with proceedings for custody, and since there’s no agreement on anything, the process might take a while.”“Custody lawsuit?”Assuming my dad wouldn’t choose me, I was taken aback again.“Dad says he won’t give you up at all.”“…”“I won’t give you up either!”Mom smiled brightly. I asked seriously:“Doesn’t my opinion matter?”“It will be considered to some extent, but since you’re about to be in high school, your economic situation will be looked at… Anyway, Mom is also teaching three courses and is in the running for an associate professorship. We’ll go ahead with the lawsuit.”Seeing my face darken, Mom patted my shoulder.“I’ll come to see you often, so don’t worry too much. Nothing much will change, so just focus on your studies. Got it? Even if Mom and Dad get a divorce, it doesn’t mean we’ll cut ties with you. Nothing will be different from now. Got it? Won—ah?”“Yes.”I gave the expected answer.That night, after my father finished showering, I secretly overheard him talking on the phone with someone, leading me to suspect that there might be a girlfriend involved in his photography and golf club activities. I lost a bit of trust in the world.A few months later, the court sided with the doctor.Even under this scorching sun, he kicks the ball. On the soccer field where the grass seemed to be burning yellow, Seo Hangeon played soccer with his friends. After running like that, he’d come into the classroom with his face red as if cooked and his hair drenched in sweat from the sun. He’d pour water over his head at the sink, and his wet gym uniform would cling to his body. If he lifted his gym shirt to wipe off the sweat, his stomach would be exposed. But I didn’t dare look because I lacked the courage to see it with my own eyes.Recently, Seo Hangeon made a unique request to me.“Let’s use text messages instead of KakaoTalk. iMessage works, right?”“Why?”“My KakaoTalk chat rooms are too many; it’s confusing and annoying to look at.”At the time, I didn’t know there was a function to set different notification sounds for each person.The Suyeong-gu ‘good-looking guy’ with too many KakaoTalk chat rooms to keep track of seemed to occasionally become a topic on Facebook. Since I wasn’t on Facebook, I couldn’t sneak a peek at Seo Hangeon’s profile, but from the conversations of his friends, I could gather that his photos often got hundreds of likes and that pictures he was tagged in were frequently shared.Some girls’ names, gossip about fun gatherings he might have attended, and occasionally crude remarks would come up, but there was no mention of Seo Hangeon having a girlfriend in any of the conversations.I didn’t hold any expectations though. After learning about my father’s girlfriend, I found it easier to let go of expectations. Sometimes, I forgave him on my own.Days were passing peacefully without expectations. The sweltering heat during which the divorce proceedings were ongoing. The time when I was barely coping with my parents’ separation thanks to my suddenly grown height. The summer days when I filled the growing loneliness in my heart with his vigorous soccer playing.I don’t remember Seo Hangeon by his hot soccer games. In my memories, summer’s Seo Hangeon is associated with the School Violence Committee. Seo Hangeon was referred to the School Violence Committee because of me.How could one explain the irony of this event happening in the class of our school’s symbol of peace, the white dove teacher?A simple coincidence? Or was it a kind warning about our future? Or, conversely, was it the world’s goodwill to connect us?I still don’t know the details of that incident. Kangho gave an enthusiastic reenactment, but it wasn’t enough. I understood that Seo Hangeon had hit the square-headed kid once, causing a nosebleed, and I could grasp from Kangho’s reenactment how the punch was thrown, but it was hard to associate that image with Seo Hangeon visually. All I had were descriptions, not images or videos.The reality I saw with my own eyes was only up until before the incident happened. That day, Seo Hangeon didn’t come to school in the morning. Since the homeroom teacher didn’t mention it during the morning assembly, it seemed it had been communicated beforehand. I was glad it wasn’t an unexcused absence.What was there to be glad about? I scolded myself for beating the drum and dancing alone. Every day, I was playing a game of counting how many minutes Seo Hangeon shook his leg. I told myself not to expect anything, not to like him.It was easier than suffering from not being able to let go of my feelings. Every day, I folded my heart away.Later, Seo Hangeon told me he had missed the morning classes because he was out looking for his runaway sister with his father at a friend’s house.But Seo Hangeon’s absence that day was undoubtedly an opportunity for the square-headed kid. I was sure of it. Only a stupid middle-tier kid would think of doing such a thing.Who else but the square-headed kid would come up with the low-grade prank of pouring beef bulgogi soup into someone’s backpack? It was a rotten prank comparable to the Zolaman notes and eraser dust.That day’s lunch menu included beef bulgogi. By the middle of the fifth period, the entire classroom was filled with the smell of beef bulgogi, to the point where even the Korean language teacher commented on it. Everyone was puzzled, and Kangho said he saw the square-headed kid exchanging laughs with the kid sitting behind him.After class ended, I opened my backpack without looking inside and took out my homework notebook. It was only when the smell of beef bulgogi hit my nose and the soup that had soaked my notebook dripped onto my uniform that I realized what had happened.“Ugh!”“What’s this!”Surprised voices burst out around me. I wasn’t embarrassed or conscious of the onlookers. The brownish soup dripping down my summer uniform was just annoying. What I really hated was that all my books and notebooks in the backpack were soaked in that brownish soup.I loved organizing my school supplies one by one in my bag and cherished all my notebooks. I didn’t just grab random ones from the stationery store. The Korean notebook was for Korean, the math notebook for math; each had its reason, and I had carefully chosen the designs and photos on the front covers.“Damn…”I muttered in annoyance. There wasn’t time for more annoyance. I quickly grabbed my bag and ran to the bathroom. I had to wash off my belongings and uniform at least roughly before the sixth period started. I had about 8 minutes left.Whatever message the future was sending us, within those 8 minutes, Seo Hangeon arrived late for school. And he saw the beef bulgogi soup spilled on my desk.Eight minutes, the classroom of the white dove homeroom teacher, and the misfortune of the square-headed kid – all were byproducts of something that couldn’t be explained in words.According to Kangho’s reenactment, Seo Hangeon first shouted, “Damn, what’s this smell?” and without hesitation, approached the square-headed kid, demanding to know who turned the classroom into a cafeteria.Then, phrases like “I don’t like this,” “You’re acting like an asshole,” “Are you fucking with me?” were hurled, and despite the square-headed kid denying it was him, Seo Hangeon’s foot flew out in an instant.If the square-headed kid was going to admit his fault at the School Violence Committee, he should have done it then; that way, his nose wouldn’t have bled. Anyway, within those 8 minutes, the square-headed kid screamed that he hadn’t done it, and Seo Hangeon threw a punch. His friends held him back, so the punch just grazed the square-headed kid’s nose.I only saw the disarrayed desks and blood stains when I rushed back into the classroom with my wet bag just as the bell for the sixth period rang. All the action had been sorted out by the white dove homeroom teacher before I arrived.I just kept making meaningless deductions while looking at the North Face backpack lying on Seo Hangeon’s seat and the empty chair of the square-headed kid.The square-headed kid was nowhere to be seen, and Seo Hangeon returned during the sixth period, looking neat in terms of hair and uniform but radiating an unsettling aggression. It seemed like he had been severely scolded by the homeroom teacher. Given how the teacher had boasted at the beginning of the semester that there would be no violence in this class, he must have been furious about this incident.Seo Hangeon was called out again near the end of the sixth period. The homeroom teacher tried his best to keep this out of the School Violence Committee, but the square-headed kid’s mother was firm. She wouldn’t let this slide since her son had faced something similar before.Even though severe punishments like transfer or expulsion wouldn’t be issued, having a record at the School Violence Committee was not good. My mind was in turmoil.The atmosphere in the classroom the next day was also turbulent. There was cold tension, fear, and contempt between the square-headed kid and Seo Hangeon. I got tired of counting how long Seo Hangeon shook his leg and started to feel anxious.‘Because of me, should I stay quiet?’I was tormented by guilt for nearly 20 hours, considering whether to tell the homeroom teacher about the beef bulgogi soup. If I spoke, what would I say first? If I didn’t, how would our relationship be affected? Could I look you straight in the eye?I couldn’t. After organizing what I would say in my head all morning, I finally knocked on the teachers’ office door.That was my second remembered struggle, after the fight to keep my bangs. It was my second shout, my full voice. The voice I raised to get what I wanted for myself.“Teacher… Um…”“Oh, Won, why?”“I have something to say about the incident between Hangeon and Dongyoung…”Seeing the homeroom teacher’s face harden made my heart pound like it was about to jump out. Still, I gathered strength in my throat and continued:“So, before that, there was this incident between Dongyoung and me…”When I talked about the beef bulgogi soup thrown into my bag, the homeroom teacher frowned and muttered to himself:“No one mentioned that?”“Ah… Neither of them said anything?”“Yeah. Ha Dongyoung would never admit what he did first. And Seo Hangeon didn’t mention it at all either?”He clicked his tongue, seemed to think for a moment, then sharply lectured:“Whether that happened or not, it doesn’t matter. Think about it, Won—ah. Does that justify violence?”“…”“No, right?”“Yes.”“Whether you got hit with beef bulgogi soup or kimchi soup, what reason does Seo Hangeon have to act out? That’s not a justification. It’s just that Seo Hangeon, as he says, was in a bad mood that day, and Dongyoung got on his nerves, so he couldn’t control his anger.”“…”“And does any action justify violence?”“…No.”“It doesn’t, right?”As I quietly lowered my head, the homeroom teacher sighed.“You’re not about to defend the perpetrator, are you? Was it really bothering you that much?”I didn’t respond.“Don’t worry about it, just let it go. Got it? Go on.”“Yes.”The milk crate was cleared away, and during the closing ceremony, Seo Hangeon apologized to the square-headed kid in front of everyone for hitting him. It was clearly an apology the teacher had made him give.With his clean, eyelid-less eyes, his gaze was steady and unwavering. Seo Hangeon looked surprisingly calm as he spoke with a serious expression.After the ceremony, both Seo Hangeon and the square-headed kid were called somewhere by the homeroom teacher. Seeing Seo Hangeon’s backpack still on his seat, I asked Kangho for his understanding.“Could you go to the academy first? I need to talk to Seo Hangeon.”“Huh? What about?”“Just… I feel like I should thank him.”“Ah.”Kangho looked like he understood.“Then I’ll go ahead. See you at the academy.”“Yeah. See you later.”I waited for Seo Hangeon in the empty classroom. About ten minutes later, he came back sooner than expected. He was startled to see me, exclaiming, “Shit! What are you still doing here?”I cleared my throat awkwardly.“Um… about this time…”Seo Hangeon shook his head as if it were a bothersome matter.“Don’t worry about it, it’s not because of you. That bastard needed to be hit once for acting up.”If he didn’t want to hear thanks, what should I say? After a brief thought, I said something slightly different.“Hangeon, why do you keep helping me?”I said it nicely with a hint of laughter.“A School Violence Committee record isn’t good to have.”“I told you, it’s not because of you.”Seo Hangeon picked up his bag, smiling gently, but then said something that made me lose my smile.“My life’s already fucked, so it doesn’t matter.”Does Seo Hangeon have to say such things? When I looked down with a serious face, he continued with a mischievous tone:“I was just kidding.”I forced a smile. I felt that if we talked more, I might reveal my feelings of sadness and anger, so I quickly headed to the back door. Seo Hangeon followed, slinging his backpack over one shoulder. He caught up right behind me, tapping my shoulder like a knock.“Hey, I said it was a joke! I just said it to be funny.”I know nothing about what happened in your life. But it made me sad and angry to hear you say that. Whatever it is, it must be more serious than my parents’ divorce, right? That’s why you’d even make such a joke, right? But I… don’t want to see you hurting yourself with words.I answered briefly while half-turning around:“Even as a joke, that’s… not nice.”At my words, Seo Hangeon frowned with irritation in one eye. When he was about to speak, I cut him off.“And I’m sorry about this incident.”Leaving those words, I hurried down the hallway. As I descended the stairs, I soon regretted it. How could I say something like ‘that’s not nice’ to a friend who got involved in the School Violence Committee because of me, just because of one self-deprecating joke? Instead of comforting him.I stopped walking on my way to the school gate, circling around the playground. Should I go back and apologize for my harsh words? Should I tell you that even if I don’t know how your life got messed up, mine is in a similar situation?While holding onto my bag straps and pondering this life-altering decision, I heard the sound of sneakers pounding the sandy ground, getting closer. The sound soon turned into heavy breathing. Seo Hangeon grabbed my arm, turned me around, and took a breath towards the sky.“Damn… I’m glad you walk slow because I had to lock the door and come out.”I was about to apologize for what I had said, but this time Seo Hangeon was quicker.“Don’t apologize. Okay? Won—ah.”I always think this. That his voice is more handsome than his face.Seo Hangeon was still catching his breath. The way he brushed back his hair, styled in the current fashion, as he looked at me was refreshing. I quietly kept my eyes on him.“I did it because I wanted to. I did it because I liked it.”As if it was no big deal, Seo Hangeon mentioned the second part of what he had just said again, lightly.“I did it because I liked it.”A sentence with an omitted subject. That statement turned into a drop of sweat and flowed down the side of his face.I didn’t ponder what that sentence meant for us. I didn’t tremble with shock either. What was important to me was the face from which that drop of sweat fell. His eyes and expression were precious, and it was his face, not his words, that made me remember that hot, humid afternoon forever.His well-defined features gave peace to anyone looking at him. Even if it was just my opinion, it didn’t matter. I bravely met his gaze, which was as strong as the sun.Seo Hangeon’s expression contained a hint of displeasure from what I had said earlier, yet paradoxically, it also looked desperate, and ultimately tired. Seo Hangeon looked both desperate and exhausted.Therefore, I couldn’t find the words to respond for a while. Instead of speaking, I grabbed the hand that was holding my elbow. You might think this action is creepy, and if so, you would distance yourself from me. Then, I would be able to crumple my feelings more easily, to drop my heart onto the street more easily.I brought my hand to his tired one. We lightly clasped hands as if playing ‘rock, paper, scissors,’ then very slowly, I curled my fingers. Lowering my head, I saw the clear contrast between our two hands and wrists. I swallowed hard once and said:“Don’t say things like that again.”I don’t like you hurting yourself. I don’t want you to get hurt.I compressed all those sentiments into one request.“Got it.”His breathing had calmed down somewhat. Was Seo Hangeon looking at my head? Or at my face as I looked down? Not daring to meet his gaze, I glanced up to see his shoulders, which were moving rhythmically.“Got it.”Even after he answered, Seo Hangeon didn’t withdraw his hand. At that moment, I was ensnared by a fleeting, foolish feeling. I wished we could go somewhere, just the two of us, holding hands. If we did, I felt like we could say all we needed to.It had to be now. I felt a strong desire to be with him. No matter where we went, as long as we could be together. Just for an hour, just for one hour, if we could be alone.Wanting to stretch out the time a bit more, I spoke again.“And… I’m sorry for what happened. No matter how much you tell me not to apologize…”Seo Hangeon let out a sarcastic laugh and said:“Then grant me one wish.”He flicked my hand up, caught it, and smiled broadly in jest.“Grant me one wish next time. That’ll do, right?”It seemed like a good idea. I answered briefly:“Yeah.”We were standing at the school gate, but we were in another dimension. Maybe around the 15th dimension. In that dimension where only the two of us existed, time flowed dozens of times slower. Alone together, time passed, and our gazes met slowly. Finally, Seo Hangeon stopped playing with our hands.His well-formed knuckles approached closely. His sturdy arm, bearing the results of exercise, was right in front of me. When I thought his skin wasn’t as rough as I expected, something brushed against my cheek and went down. It seemed like his index and middle fingers flicked and made a ‘thwack’ sound. At the end, an ambiguous fingertip, whether index or middle, slightly touched my cheek.What was that strange jest? I still get moist with summer memories recalling the warmth of that touch on my cheek.In the suddenly awkward atmosphere, we waited for more words. Then, Kangho’s shout, breaking the silence, startled us, and we stepped back from each other.“Won!!! I left my wallet in my desk!!!”Seo Hangeon immediately shouted, “I’m going!” gave a cheerful farewell, and patted my shoulder. He waved to Kangho in greeting before quickly crossing the road and walking away.Kangho, having gone back and forth between the school and the bus stop in this heat, was sweating profusely.“I was about to get on the bus, but my MyBi card wasn’t there!! Damn, really. Is the classroom door locked?”“I’ll tap you in. Let’s just go.”“Really? Thanks, Won.”“Isn’t it hot?”“Aren’t you hot? Don’t you feel the heat much?”“I don’t feel the heat, I board the heat.”“Hey!!!”After that day, Seo Hangeon and I became the kind of friends where it wouldn’t be strange to exchange very personal and private messages. We bypassed the minimal time it takes to become close friends, which could be months or years, and instantly grew closer. I felt more connected to him than to friends I had known for years, which made me think this was close to a miracle.It was thanks to the School Violence Committee incident and a few words exchanged afterwards. However, what connected us that day wasn’t an ambiguous sentence without a subject. It was invisible particles.The moment Seo Hangeon’s finger tapped my cheek, through the thin skin of his fingertip, our particles mingled with each other’s existence. Given how much we texted afterwards, I think Seo Hangeon might have felt a similar sensation that day.No book, class, or nagging had ever taught me that our hearts could connect so closely even without knowing much factual information about each other.That evening, I wrote a letter. It was a short letter that didn’t even fill one A5 sheet.Summarizing the content, it said: I’m grateful, but please don’t do that again in the future, I feel sorry if it affects your life, I owe you for this incident, so I’ll repay you by granting your wish or something like that.It was the last day of school before the summer break. When I handed him the letter by the milk crate and told him to read it at home, oh my. For several minutes after the closing ceremony, while the kids were scattering in a hustle, Seo Hangeon walked around the classroom with the letter in his mouth. Then, he breezed past me, making a show of it, and only after meeting my eyes with a joyful face while humming a popular tune did he leave the classroom.Seeing Seo Hangeon with the letter in his mouth, I had to hide my astonishment. Why on earth was he doing that? Seo Hangeon was strange.🏐During the summer vacation, Seo Hangeon didn’t mention anything about his wish.[By the way, what was that wish you talked about? I want to resolve it quickly and move on.][I don’t know, nothing comes to mind yet lol Just leave it for now]His wish kept getting postponed. It was like that until the end of the summer break.[The boss is driving me crazy] [He’s so strict][The boss?][Yeah, he keeps an eye on my phone][Why look at your phone while working lol][Why look at your phone while studying? lol lol lol lol][I’m not looking at it lol][Why am I so bored][Work then lol][Wait a sec]He sent a photo of a drunk customer leaning against a wall, fast asleep. They must have had a big company dinner. Soju and beer bottles were crowded on the table, and half-cooked meat was rolling on a cooled grill.[lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol so funny lol lol lol lol][Why is he like that lol lol][I don’t know, he’s crazy lol lol lol I’m about to burst]And so, from morning until 8 PM each day, we exchanged iMessages with no particular content.[I have to turn in my phone][8 PM already?] [When you get your phone tomorrow, contact me lol] [Contact me lol]Seo Hangeon, despite being in middle school, worked part-time at places like a meat restaurant, shoe store, delivery food shop, and taekwondo academy run by his older friends. He even did motorcycle deliveries, though he didn’t have a license, and he told me about the workaround of receiving slightly less than minimum wage in cash.On days he wasn’t working, he said he’d go to the gym to spar in boxing with his friends or work out on his own, but I wondered if he might have gone to a billiard hall. Since it wasn’t a relationship where I could question such things, I didn’t mind it.That summer vacation felt unusually short.[Earthworm Cola Bear][Jelly?][Yeah][I don’t eat jelly lol][Okay, noted] [Then squid octopus whale shrimp][Whale food.][I will serve it lol]Even on the first day back at school, the morning snack quiz and the treats during cleaning time resumed without fail. Vanilla cream flavored Chupa Chups piled up so much in the snack container on my desk that I took them to the academy and shared them with friends for several days in a row, and everyone loved it.“Won, you always get these treats.”“Thanks, Won.”“But why only this flavor, Juyong.”“Eat quietly, Juyong.”And Seo Hangeon in the fall was the sports day and almond Pepero to me.Pepero Day was on the same day as the sports day, so I remember it clearly.That day, Seo Hangeon came into the classroom carrying several gift-wrapped Pepero packages he had received from someone. I assume his closest friend, with whom he often comes to school, received some too.To classmates who asked who they were from, he robotically repeated, “Shut up,” and then gave all the Pepero to his friends. So, our classroom was filled with the sound of people munching on Pepero all morning.Seo Hangeon was not only a relay runner and a main soccer player but also took on the role of cheerleading captain on his own initiative. In short, he was the star of the show. Without the sports day event, I couldn’t imagine where he would have channeled that energy.When he wasn’t playing, he stood at the front with his group, shouting and engaging in cheering competitions with the class next door. The class next to ours was his best friend’s class, so laughter didn’t stop all day.He would suddenly go to cheer for the next class, then argue with the friend who was like the cheerleading captain of that class.“Hey! Dong! Jung! Dok! Park Kangmin! Your! Nose! Smells! Bad! Park! Kang! Min!”“Pervert! Bastard! Seo Hangeon! You! Are! So! Ugly….”“Come on, madman.”They even had a shuffle dance competition with five or six of them. Even though I didn’t know much about shuffle dancing, it looked impressive to me. His long legs and arms moved in sync with the beat, executing sharp, dazzling moves. I liked watching Seo Hangeon do the shuffle dance. I watched, sweating under my arms.When SISTAR’s “Loving U” played, suddenly all the students became one team, cheering for SISTAR. Seo Hangeon was extremely excited, shouting out cheers with the members’ real names during the song, keeping the rhythm, yelling, and blowing a horn.Seo Hangeon ran around like a fish in water. Just like I had seen him on the phone’s lock screen in early April, he laughed big and had fun. The autumn sun fell on his black hair, cut in a two-block style. Watching him shine in the midday brightness, I felt an inexplicable sense of awe and happiness.Feelings beyond resignation. Hot emotions that transcended the principle of equivalent exchange.I like you, but I don’t expect any reward or compensation. Just be there. I just love you. Therefore, I will be happy.Even if nothing happens between us. Even if my love doesn’t achieve any outcome. I will be happy.Just because, at one moment in my life, you shone this brightly, I will be happy.Because of that memory, I will never play with a cutter knife on my wrist again. Never.Thus, I didn’t give up on love but made it wholly mine. There are moments in life when you realize you’ve had a major update in your character, and that day was the most dazzling update for me.That’s why I felt so good. That sensation was a first and possibly a last for me. That day, I might have grown up a little.After the sports day ended, Seo Hangeon left the school gate early with his group. I watched several North Face backpacks run across the playground through the window and then noticed the milk crates left behind.He must have been too hyped up to think about it. Since it was sports day, they gave out two milk cartons per person, so there were two crates. I slung my bag over my shoulder and took one milk crate in each hand.Actually, I had thought about meeting him by the milk crates today, so I had put a Pepero in my gym shorts pocket, but fortunately, that plan fell through. I was already debating whether to give it to him, so it was good it didn’t happen. I felt even more overshadowed by the fancy Pepero Seo Hangeon received in the morning.Still, I felt good that day. As I walked leisurely under the clear air, I heard the sound of sneakers pounding the ground and running towards me.“Give it.”“…”“Just hold this for a sec.”Seo Hangeon, who had taken the milk crates from me, pushed a bunch of Pepero he was holding in one arm towards me. He must have just received them in front of the school. He must be busy on a day like this. I was almost pushed into receiving the Pepero.His gym clothes were soaked with sweat. The fabric clung to his back, exposing the contours of his bare skin. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. The muscles and skin were nicely divided along the spine.I remembered the image of him shirtless with a Nike wristband on. I quickly shook my head, hiding my eyes.Seo Hangeon threw the milk crates one by one, piling them up, then turned to look at me. He scanned my face as if waiting for me to come closer, then soon broke into a wide smile.“Something good happen?”