On Verra : My Emotions

I was in my room and decided to take a nap before my best friend arrived.

///

I had her in my arms again. Having her under me, her face contorted with the pleasure I was giving her while her sweet voice told me I was doing a good job, was such a comforting feeling.

I felt like I was in the desert, thirsty, and that only her nectar could quench my thirst. I cuffed her hands above her. And I kissed her as if my life depended on it.

She's my pulse. I groaned at the slight pain in my back and realized that my next shower was going to sting. But I quickly regained my focus.

She's my Grail. The feeling she could give me just by being in my arms was magical. I just needed her by my side to feel good. And I want the same for her.

And I'd do anything to make her feel the same comfort with me.

I began to speed up my movements a little more, her cries of pleasure confirming that she was almost there, and I sped up even more. My only goal was to give her what she wanted.

I caught her lips and kissed her like I was thirsty. She was driving me crazy.

I straightened up slightly to catch the moment when her mind would fly from the satisfaction I'd given her.

Her lips began to move, but I didn't understand what she was trying to tell me, so I leaned down and whispered in her ear, "Can you say that again, sweet love?"

"WAKE UP!!!"

I gasped, and my eyes immediately opened, realizing that I was dreaming, it was only a dream-sigh. 

A huge disappointment formed inside me, the need to see her again was so intense that it almost hurt.

"Wow! You're finally awake," said my best friend who was lying on my back looking at me.

'How come I didn't feel her on me?'

"I'm wondering the same thing. Usually you wake up as soon as someone touches you."

"Was I talking out loud?" I asked, looking at her out of the corner of my eye, and saw her nod in response. That made me let out a sigh.

"Get off me, you're heavy," I instructed, lifting my body to get her off.

"Yeah, my curvy ass is beautiful, I know," she said with a cocky tone and expression.

"I didn't say you weren't, just that you're heavy," I said as I stood up after she got off of me and began to stretch, "you can be heavy without being curvy, you know?"

"Can't you just compliment me instead of trying to be a smart ass?"

"It's true I'm smart, it's not really a surprise to me," I said, taking on the same cocky tone and expression she had before.

She gave me a light tap on the shoulder, then said, "You just can't say thank you seriously." Then she rolled her eyes.

I know it wasn't a question, but I answered, "No." And I sat on the bed and looked at her, smiling slightly.

She looked at me as if to read me, which she was strangely good at, and on cue she said, "Are you mad at me?"

Again, it wasn't a question, more of a statement, but I just shrugged.

She said nothing, but looked at me to understand the reason for my behavior, "You're mad at me for waking you up..." she said suddenly, which surprised me and was like a confirmation for her.

"I see," she said, shaking her head and turning to head for the door. My eyebrows raised.

She opened the door, doorknob in hand, and turned back to me, "Let's go, your father's waiting for us downstairs." Then she walked out, leaving the door open.

I sighed and laid down.

///

"Wow! Okay. I should thank James for giving you the opportunity to not distract yourself before I can come and comfort you," Irene said, which confirmed to me that she wasn't going to let go of the idea that she was going to make me cry my eyes out.

"That's not the most important thing," my father said suddenly, Irene looked at him questioningly, then, as if she had just understood, she exclaimed, "Ah! That's right, we have to celebrate the death of your V-card."

" Are you serious?" I said in shock, and she looked at me smiling, but showing me very clearly that she was very serious.

"Why?" I didn't understand her shock about losing whatever I had apparently to loose.

"Let's just say you're the kind of person we can't believe is sexually active," Irene replied.

"Do I look that innocent?" I asked in a surprised voice.

My father and Irene shook their heads, "No."

"Not innocent, you just don't look interested. You seem sexually rigid and all, you know? You wouldn't believe how many times your dad and I had to stop ourselves from laughing when Isaac tried to flirt with you and you looked disgusted before you even started dating. We were surprised when you told us you were dating, but let's just say that even when you were dating, we tried not to burst out laughing when he tried to touch you and you avoided it."

"Wait, I really was like that with him," they both nodded, "no wonder he cheated on me then." I added with a shrug.

" Oh no!" my father said suddenly, "He has no excuse for cheating on you, if he wanted to find someone else to sleep with he should have ended the relationship. He's just an unprincipled cheater. It's not your fault that you don't like to be touched, if he really loved you, he should have been patient with you or talked to you about it so that you two could work it out if there was a problem".

"I totally agree with your father, let's not give an excuse to a cheater like him," Irene said shaking her head.

Then I felt my phone vibrate in my jeans pocket. It was almost time for my date.

I got up and said, "I have to go do something for a minute. I'll meet you in a few hours for movie night." They nodded without question. They knew not to be curious when they didn't have to be with me.

As I left my room, I heard them discussing what game they were going to play again.

///

I wanted to keep things simple. I know it seems like I'm rushing into things, but why hesitate when you're experiencing this feeling for the first time?

A feeling that makes me so crazy... I almost feel like I can't control myself because of it.

I had finished getting dressed and was wearing a simple pale yellow dress that was very comfortable, with a little pair of shorts underneath. I tend to wear shorts all the time when I'm wearing a dress, because I'm the kind of person who likes to move around a lot, and you never know, especially with my dad, who often asks me for help. I also wore white sneakers.

I took the key to my dad's pickup truck. I put the picnic basket on the passenger seat and fastened the seat belt to keep it from moving.

I settled in, adjusted what I needed to be comfortable while driving, and hit the road.

On the way I started to think, and that wasn't necessarily a good thing.

The fear that she wouldn't show up grew. Would she blame me for leaving? Did she see the note? Would she come? Does she regret what happened? ...

The questions only haunted me and made me want to turn back because I felt like I was going to stress vomit at any moment.

But thinking of the possibility that this evening could go well, I stopped myself from fleeing. A little bit of hope was enough.

I finally arrived, parked the pickup truck, and got out. I headed toward the bed of the truck.

I lowered the tailgate, sat on its edge, took off my shoes, and placed them in a corner of the bed where there was no blanket.

I had placed small, inflatable mattresses on most of the truck bed and covered them with gray sheets. In addition to the blankets, I had set up cushions to make it comfortable and cozy.

I put the basket on the blankets and took out the trays I had brought in case we ate on the blankets.

I also put a folding camping table and chairs on the back seat of the pickup truck, just in case she wanted to eat by the lake.

Yes, in front of me was a lake. Although we weren't allowed to swim in it, that wasn't going to stop me from organizing my date there. The reflection of the crescent moon and stars on the lake was impressive, as were the real stars and moon adorning the sky. It was enough to make the moment special.

The water was beautifully lit, creating such a magical effect and a breathtaking scene, no matter how many times I saw it.

I set up my computer, making sure I had its charger and a portable battery to charge it, just in case. I also made sure I had a connection after activating connection sharing on my phone.

I glanced at my watch—it was time. I waited, hoping she would come.

The longer I waited, the more stressed I became.

A few minutes later

She still wasn't there, but I hoped she would come. I sat on the edge of the trunk bed and started swinging my dangling feet.

An hour later

Still no message.

I didn't know if I had the right to be disappointed. I didn't know if the enormous pain I was beginning to feel would ever subside. At the time, it seemed impossible.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to feel.

After putting my shoes back on and climbing down from the trunk, I took one of the folding chairs and headed for the lake shore. We weren't allowed to swim there, but we could fish.

I pulled my chair up and sat down. I rested my elbow on the armrest and supported my head with my hand.

I stared into space, not wanting to feel anything. If I showed any feelings, they would destroy me at that moment because I can be very self-destructive when I'm alone.

I've had this flaw since I was a child. When I try to control myself during moments of strong emotion, it gets even worse. That's why I avoid feeling or thinking about it. I only open up when I have people I trust by my side.

I had to stop thinking about it because I could feel frustration rising inside me.

I focused my gaze on the starry sky. The crescent moon was clearly visible, and there were no clouds in sight. It always has a calming effect on me. Despite everything that was happening, I felt soothed.

I tried to find the constellations that my mother had taught me to recognize.

'There's the Big Dipper,' I checked again to make sure I wasn't mistaken. 'Yes, it does look like a saucepan. One down.'

I don't know how long I sat there, trying to identify the constellations and stopping every now and then to admire the view. All I knew was that I had finally managed to take my mind off things. This helped me avoid a headache.

An idea popped into my head, so I took my phone out of the hidden pocket in my dress.

I opened the writing app and started jotting down my thoughts.

I sometimes write poems in my spare time. That doesn't mean I'm a good poet; it just means that I try.

I have been fascinated by poetry since I was very young, but I don't seek to improve in this area since I have a limited vocabulary.

"Illness eating away from within

The flesh bitten, chewed, shredded

The organs battered, bloody

I am the one who continues to hope"

The first stanza speaks of this new feeling inside me. If I started to think more deeply about my situation, I really felt like I was being eaten from the inside. Yet I continue to hold on to hope.

After writing, I started reading aloud what I had written to check if it made sense.

"The scarlet flows, leaving only emptiness

Fleeting need, fiery pain

An invisible evil is deadly, painful

I am the one who continues to dream"

The scarlet flows because my heart is wounded, I feel empty because it's the only thing I can somehow control before everything explodes, it's painful. But I continue to dream, to hope that a miracle will happen.

"Nothing can heal this wound.

The red flows and saddens me.

Powerless in the face of my desires,

I am the one who continues to live."

My wound could not be healed without her, despite the red flowing, rendering me powerless in the face of the situation and my most secret desires, I will continue to live and overcome this pain.

"With time, it will fade," someone once told me after a difficult ordeal I had endured.

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of what will happen next. I'm afraid of feeling the pain. I want to run away, far away from everything.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of a vehicle and turned around again, hoping it was her.

I saw a car pull up alongside my pickup truck, so I got to my feet.

A woman got out of the car. The car's headlights were on, though, so I couldn't see her face.

However, I knew it must be her. She closed her door and I started walking towards her. She started walking towards me too.

I found myself face to face with her. Since her body was blocking the light from the headlights, the moon and stars provided enough illumination for me to see her face.

She's the kind of woman who can be intimidating when she looks at you. I was intimidated by her gaze, but my joy at her arrival was immense.

I couldn't hide my joy; a smile quickly spread across my face. One of her eyebrows rose, probably in response to my expression. Despite her stern expression, I could see a certain joy in her eyes, for some reason.

"Can I kiss you?" I suddenly whispered. I was nervous that she might not agree.

She looked me straight in the eyes without blinking. I wanted to look away to show her my sincerity, but I didn't, but that didn't stop me fidgeting with my fingers, though.

Since she didn't say anything, I felt disappointed. I nodded and said softly, "I guess that means no."

Before I could look away and lower my head, I felt her lips on mine. My eyes widened, but she was so intoxicating that I let myself be carried away by our kiss.

She tasted so good that I could never get enough of her. She had me spellbound. She had her hands on my cheeks, my arms found their place on her hips, and I pulled her closer to me. I wanted her desperately.

We only broke apart to breathe. We started looking at each other without saying anything. It was as if we knew what the other was thinking. I felt her thumbs caressing my cheeks.

I pulled away from her, took her hand, and led her to the pickup truck. We quickly got under the covers, put the computer on top of us, and positioned her head on my chest. I let her choose a movie. We didn't say much because I knew.

I knew, and I didn't need to think about it.

The most important thing was that we were spending time together.

After the first movie ended, we ate the sandwiches I had made and put on a tray. There was a kind of silent conversation going on between us. We were quiet, but it was a comfortable silence. There was no need for words—we just wanted to enjoy each other's company.

We put on a new movie and ate the snacks I had brought. We were in each other's arms.

In the middle of the movie, she sat up. She paused the movie, closed the laptop, and turned to me. Our eyes met, and she didn't need to say anything—I knew.

I got up, put the computer aside, and stood up. I unzipped my dress easily without breaking eye contact with her.

My dress fell to my feet, leaving me in my bra and shorts. The moon lit up my body.

Her hands rested on my thighs, her eyes raised to me, and she gently pulled down my shorts until they fell to my feet. I was now down to my underwear.

I set my clothes aside and knelt down in front of her. Our eyes met again. I put my hands on the hem of her T-shirt and easily pulled it off.

I took her lips between mine and laid her down without breaking the kiss. Then I started to unbutton her shorts and began to pull them off. 

I felt her lift herself up to make it easier for me.

I broke our kiss to remove her denim shorts completely. Not only that, but I began to admire her. The moonlight worked wonders on her body, making her glow divinely.

I admired her from head to toe, my fingers resting on her legs.

I began to caress her, stopping at her stomach and locking my gaze with hers.

I positioned myself above her, gently lowering myself to meet her delightful lips once again.

///

It's so easy to hate what we love.

It's so easy to hate ourselves.