Lost

The reason I live with Jung Woojin is because we’re dating. If someone asked why we’re dating, I could simply answer that it’s because I like Jung Woojin. Isn’t that obvious? Who would date someone they don’t like and live together in the same house?“Didn’t you notice that person was staring at you, Sunbae?”But Jung Woojin doesn’t get that.“They must’ve been staring because they had something to say.”“Then why didn’t you say something?”“And what would I say? Should I go up to them and punch them in the face for staring?”Exhausted by this tiresome situation, I sighed. When I covered my eyes and sighed, Jung Woojin clammed up. I watched him anxiously glance at the floor, biting his lip and closing his eyes. His clenched fists turned white, the bones standing out. I sighed again.Jung Woojin has changed a lot. But if I’m honest, even with those changes, it’s still the same. It’s like he went from being a completely crazy person to just a slightly crazy one.Every time he explodes like this, I’m reminded of it even more. I thought things would gradually get better with time, but that wasn’t the case. The more he held it in, the more his frustrations built up. Knowing that and still being unable to do anything about it made it harder.At first, I tried to soothe him, but now I’m tired. Honestly, I’ve never not been tired, but it’s been getting worse recently. Even comforting Jung Woojin has become exhausting. I keep wondering, what is the real problem?I felt a wave of anger rising as the situation kept repeating.Why does it always have to be like this?“I’m sorry.”Suddenly, Jung Woojin, who had been staring at the floor, apologized. It’s the same pattern every time, so it didn’t surprise me anymore. But there’s one thing that still hasn’t become easier, even after repeatedly going through this cycle where he cries and apologizes out of the blue.Every time Jung Woojin acts like this, my chest tightens. I get angry, but I also feel heartbroken. You’d think I’d be used to him crying by now, but whenever he does, I still feel sorry for him. Even though I haven’t done anything wrong, the moment Jung Woojin starts crying and apologizing, I can’t resist the urge to reach out and comfort him.When I didn’t say anything, Jung Woojin finally spoke again, his tears dripping onto the floor.“I’m sorry for getting angry.”“…”“Maybe I was wrong about that person looking at you.”He lies so smoothly. He doesn’t actually believe he was mistaken, nor is he apologizing because he genuinely thinks he was wrong. He’s just apologizing because he’s scared I might get angry. Since this situation keeps repeating, both my frustration and Woojin’s have been piling up.Woojin continued to sniffle without wiping his tears, almost as if he was protesting for me to comfort him. Every time a tear slid down his cheek and dropped to the floor, my unease grew.Honestly, I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to tell him, “No, you weren’t mistaken. That person really was staring at me.” To be honest, saying that wouldn’t have been difficult. It was true the person had been looking at me, and it was also true that our eyes met.But that wasn’t anyone’s fault—not the other person’s, not mine, and not Jung Woojin’s. That’s why there was no reason for me to be questioned about it.“Did something bad happen today?”I sighed and asked as I watched him cry, but Woojin didn’t answer. I could guess without him telling me. Woojin hadn’t been in a good mood, not just today, but for a while. A week ago, a month ago—he was the same. Over time, his condition had worsened.So now, even things that he would have let go before, he couldn’t anymore. The fact that Woojin was this upset just because I made eye contact with someone else hadn’t happened since the early days of our relationship.“I’ve been holding it in.”Woojin, who had been silent, spoke in a voice filled with resentment.“I know Sunbae doesn’t like it when I’m like this, so I’ve been holding it in every day.”“I know.”“Just because I don’t say anything on those days doesn’t mean I’m okay.”“I said I know.”I sighed again as I looked at Woojin’s tearful, resentful face. He wasn’t lying. I knew he had been holding a lot in. But even though I knew, I didn’t think Woojin was doing something extraordinary.Because that was something Woojin was supposed to hold in. From my perspective, it was almost funny to say that it was something to “hold in” in the first place.Every time I go outside, every time I make eye contact with someone else, every time I talk to another person, every time someone looks at me—it’s all stressful for Woojin. For Woojin to not get stressed, I would have to stay inside this house all the time. Just the two of us.But that wasn’t possible.So there was nothing I could do as I watched Woojin cry. I thought that if I gave in now, I’d have to spend the rest of my life comforting Woojin every time I made eye contact with another person.＊ ＊ ＊I knew things were getting worse, but there wasn’t much I could do, so I just continued living day by day. The moment I realized how serious things had gotten was when I found out that Woojin hadn’t been sleeping well these past few days.I’m a deep sleeper, so I didn’t know exactly when Woojin started having trouble sleeping. If I hadn’t found the sleeping pills in his pocket, I might not have known at all. I should’ve realized when I woke up late at night to find Woojin staring at me.When did he start taking them again?Feeling devastated, I closed my eyes, but then my phone started vibrating. I needed to pick it up quickly, but my body wouldn’t move easily. After taking a few heavy breaths, I put down the pill bottle I was holding and answered the call.“Hello…”-Why does your voice sound like that? Is something wrong? Why did you take so long to answer?Before I could even finish speaking, a barrage of questions came. I tried to sigh but stopped myself, swallowing it back down. Lately, Woojin had been so sensitive that even a simple sigh could make him spiral into imagining all sorts of ridiculous things.“My phone was in the living room.”— What were you doing in your room?“I was just…”— You know I call every day, but you didn’t even have your phone with you… I’ve been sending texts for a while now too.I was about to respond to his voice, which was full of disappointment, but I stopped myself. My head was too jumbled to know what to say. When did he start taking those pills again? Was he really struggling so much? Was it that unbearable for him that I was meeting other people?— Sunbae.“…”But I can’t just live without seeing anyone else.— Sunbae.“…”I can’t stay in this house forever, damn it.I covered my eyes with my hand and bit my lip. What did I do that was so wrong? What did I do to make him go back to the pills? What did I do so badly…I was trying to hold back the urge to shout, feeling both angry and upset, when I suddenly realized how quiet it had gotten. I checked to see if the call had disconnected, but it hadn’t. As I was about to call out to Jung Woojin, I heard his voice.— You hate it when I act like this, don’t you?“What… Are you crying?”His voice was trembling pitifully, so thick with tears it was hard to remain indifferent. It sounded like he was swallowing and vomiting up all the sorrow in the world.— I keep… whining… doing everything you hate…“…Are you crying right now? Where are you? Look, just don’t cry. Can you get to a bathroom or somewhere private?”— I’ve been holding back…His sobbing grew louder, but his words became harder to understand. Right now, my biggest concern was where exactly he was while talking to me like this. He works in a place where gossip spreads fast, and the fact that Jung Woojin was dating a guy was already an open secret among those in the know. Sure, there are a lot of gay people in his industry, but I could bet none of them were crying on the phone to their partners like this.“Woojin.”When I called his name as calmly as possible, his sobbing paused for a moment, and then he answered in a small voice.“Can you go to the bathroom or somewhere private?”— The bathroom?“Yeah, somewhere where there are no people around. Are there a lot of people nearby?”— No, I’m in the car.What? In the car? A sense of dread crept over me, and I asked just in case.“Why are you in the car at this time?”— I miss you.“What?”— I miss you so much, I can’t stand being here.Jung Woojin started crying again. It had been a while since I felt this kind of frustration. He continued, sounding pitifully miserable, like a child crying their heart out.— You didn’t answer your phone.“I did answer.”— But you answered late… And you didn’t even respond to my texts. I kept sending them.“Just wipe your tears and look in the mirror. Are you getting any calls? How long have you been out there?”Even though it’s his mother’s company, behaving like this couldn’t be without consequences. Jung Woojin’s history made me nervous. While I didn’t mind if he stopped modeling, I feared that if he left now, he wouldn’t be able to function properly in society. I didn’t even want to imagine what would happen to him if he gave up on work entirely, given his already tenuous grasp on reality.“Have you wiped your tears?”— I miss you.“You can see me when work is done, can’t you? What time do you finish today?”— I miss you right now.“Just stop crying and take a deep breath.”I felt ridiculous, like I was comforting a five-year-old child. But I had long realized that once I started questioning why a grown man like him acted like a child, it would only lead to more frustration. Whether Woojin was behaving like a five-year-old or a moody teenager, it didn’t really matter to me anymore.— You’re starting to hate me, aren’t you?“What? Me, hate you?”— I really tried… I’m trying to hold back…Jung Woojin started sobbing again, repeating the same words as before. I suppressed a sigh, swallowing it instead.Woojin tends to overestimate himself. He claims he’s trying, that he’s holding back, but honestly, from my perspective, it’s all the same. The moment something goes slightly wrong, he assumes I’m incredibly disappointed and spirals. Frankly, I couldn’t tell much difference between the usual Woojin and the Woojin who says he’s trying hard. Of course, I appreciated the effort, but the results were still disappointing.Still, the reason I continued to care for him was because I could see that Woojin was truly doing his best. Even though his efforts might seem insignificant to me, Woojin was genuinely trying hard. And if I were the kind of person who could stop loving him over this, I wouldn’t have started dating him in the first place.“Is this about the fight we had recently?”— You were really mad, right?I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t mad. But it wasn’t for the reasons Woojin thought. It wasn’t just that he acted like a jealous spouse because I made eye contact with someone. My anger stemmed from something deeper.— I won’t do it again.When I didn’t respond, Woojin seemed to take it as a sign of agreement and spoke up first. I couldn’t help but scoff.“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”— I’ll try not to do it again.“Sure, at least try.”I sighed, resigned, and Woojin started sniffling again.— Don’t be angry.“Anyone who sees this would think, damn it. They’d think I’m keeping you locked up at home and beating you, you bastard.”— You can hit me until you cool down.“Hey! When did I get angry!”It was impossible not to swear. As I couldn’t hold back any longer and shouted, Jung Woojin looked even more aggrieved and said something.— You’ve seemed angry lately.“When? I’ve been doing things the same way!”What exactly did I do differently? No matter how much I thought about it, I treated Jung Woojin just like I always did. Or did I unknowingly show my irritation? As I pondered, it didn’t take long for Jung Woojin to render my worries meaningless with a single remark.— That’s right.“……”— Why are you so cold, Sunbae?“……”I couldn’t stop the sigh that burst out at that sorrowful voice coming from the phone. I wanted to tell him to shut up and just go to work, but seeing the medicine bottle in front of me, I sank deep into the sofa, leaning back. It was a conversation that could wait until after work, but listening to his voice, I felt it was impossible to concentrate.After some thought, I asked, “So what do you think is not being cold?”— Replying to texts and picking up the phone immediately.Jung Woojin always said that, right? It was an answer that didn’t stray even an inch from my expectations, leaving me feeling both disturbed and amused. Unintentionally smiling, Jung Woojin started acting like a spoiled child, as if he had been waiting for this moment.— Also, saying ‘I love you’ every day, walking while holding hands, matching couple T-shirts and shoes, traveling to deserted places often, eating together every day, and getting married…“Hey, I asked you what’s not cold, and you’re just writing your bucket list!”— It’s the same thing…I couldn’t help but laugh at his muttering like a soliloquy.“If you’re going to babble nonsense, hang up.”— Sunbae!“I’m not angry. I really am not.”Of course, I don’t consider myself a calm person, but I’m not so much of a character wreck that Jung Woojin would habitually tell me not to get angry. Anyone who saw me would think I was someone who gets angry every day.— No, that’s not it…“Aren’t you supposed to go back in? Don’t make me receive calls from you again.”— I really will… When did you get a call?His voice, which sounded like the saddest person in the world, changed in an instant. When he suddenly asked with a serious tone, I sighed and answered.“A while ago.”— When was that? How did you know my number? You changed your number less than two months ago.It would take a long explanation for Jung Woojin to understand this. But right now, it wasn’t the time to be on the phone with him for a thousand years, and I suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired, letting out a long sigh without realizing it.— Who was it from? Do you know their name?“……”— When was the last time you called? Sunbae, are you listening?“I’m listening… I can hear you clearly.”I felt my energy drain. This wasn’t the first time this happened, and I should be getting used to it, but I was far from familiar with it.— Who did you talk to?His increasingly anxious voice was mixed with irritation.“I answered a call on your phone when you went to shower. I gave you my number first. You disappear often while working. But you pick up my calls, so I thought I’d let you know. It would be a hassle for both of us if you couldn’t reach me during an emergency.”I spoke as calmly as possible so Jung Woojin could understand and accept it, but of course, that didn’t work.— So who was it?“Kim… Kim Youngho? Kim Younghu?”— Kim Youngho.“Yeah, Kim Youngho.”— Why does Sunbae just give out his number so freely?There were only five people saved in my phonebook. Three were friends, one was Jung Woojin, and the last one was that Kim Young-ho. But what? Just giving out my number? I felt a surge of anger and bit my lip when Jung Woojin said.— How many times have you contacted that person?“Two thousand times.”— What?“I contacted him two billion times, damn it. Hang up!”— Sunbae!Before his urgent voice could finish, I hung up. I knew this would increase the chances of him coming to my place, throwing aside work and everything else, but I didn’t care anymore. Jung Woojin, damn it, he’s living his own life. How long am I supposed to worry about him like this? Whether he works or not, it’s up to him… As I thought this, I felt it wasn’t quite right, so I scratched my head.Ah, even when I try to think positively, it always ends up like this. Giving out my number? Damn, do you know how much I’m living like a monk right now?While sitting on the sofa, suppressing my anger, the usual loud sounds from outside caught my attention. Soon after, I heard the sound of the front door opening, and Jung Woojin appeared. I didn’t want to see his face, so I turned my head away, but I could still hear the noise coming from the entrance. Eventually, unable to hold back, I turned my head and saw Jung Woojin locking the front door with a thick, large padlock.I already knew that the front door had been remodeled long ago. But it was the first time he was so overtly locking it up. Rather than being angry, I found it absurd and couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.Jung Woojin, who came close to me, couldn’t say anything and just looked at me for hints. He hesitated to sit next to me, and as he finally made eye contact with me, he turned his gaze away while standing.“Why did you put a lock on the front door? Just lock me in my room instead.”“I didn’t lock you in.”“Then what’s that lock at the entrance? Can you tell me the password?”“…….”“Why would I tell you? Damn it.”I felt a mix of irritation and anger at the severity of this situation with him. What exactly was the problem? I had been trying hard to avoid doing anything Jung Woojin disliked to the best of my ability. Yet, instead of getting better, things only seemed to escalate to this level of seriousness.“It’s not a password; it’s a key.”Looking at Jung Woojin, who spoke in a timid voice, I reached out my hand.“Then give me the key.”“…….”Surprisingly, after hesitating, Jung Woojin handed me the key. But if he was going to do that, why bother putting on a lock? Was this just some sort of protest against me? I glared at him with a furrowed brow, and as expected, ridiculous words came out of his mouth.“One is a key, and the other is a fingerprint scanner.”“…….”I was at a loss for words due to the absurdity of it all. No wonder he said he would give me the key without hesitation. I threw the key onto the sofa as if I were discarding it. I had no intention of leaving, whether the door opened or not. I had never once left home after a fight, nor had I ever threatened to leave. But Jung Woojin always acted this way. Even when I said I wouldn’t leave, it seemed to be a fleeting statement.“I’m sorry.”Unable to bear the heavy silence, Jung Woojin spoke up. The reason I got angry every time I heard that was not solely because Jung Woojin repeated the same words. It frustrated me that he kept saying he was wrong when he hadn’t done anything wrong.Of course, I was angry, but that didn’t mean Jung Woojin had done anything wrong. We were not just acquaintances; we were in a relationship, so wasn’t it okay to question each other like this? What I wanted was to have a normal fight, even if it meant arguing a little. I didn’t want Jung Woojin to put a lock on the front door and parrot back to me that he was wrong.“If we fight next time, I might actually have to leave home for once.”As I sighed in sudden exhaustion, Jung Woojin frowned.“Then your locking the front door would be somewhat justified, right? I would feel less wronged too.”“I don’t want to.”“Or damn it, what the hell is with this stupid behavior? When have I ever left home? Huh? Are you protesting for me to leave the house or something?”I had somewhat expected that Jung Woojin would never trust me until he died. That was nothing new, and I had resigned myself to that fact.“Do you really feel safe having a lock on the door like that? If I truly intended to leave, what would it matter if you locked it? I could just break the window with a chair and get out.”“……That glass is tempered; it doesn’t break easily. And if the window breaks, the security company would be notified…”“…….”“I’m sorry.”Seeing my expression of disbelief, Jung Woojin started to pout again.“If the window breaks, you might get hurt, so instead of doing that, just tell me, and I’ll open it for you.”“Then why put on the lock?”“I was afraid you’d leave when you get mad…”“But you said you’d open it.”“Just not right now…”It was unbelievable how asking questions could irritate me this much. At that moment, Jung Woojin, while glancing at me, suddenly handed me his phone and said,“I don’t have anyone else’s number either.”“So what?”“I’m serious. Check it out.”I didn’t really feel like checking. Jung Woojin probably only had my number, his parents’ numbers, and maybe the number of his workplace. But I had never hoped for that even once.“Please, save some other people’s numbers. It’s not like you’ve memorized them or anything.”“…….”“Isn’t it necessary for work? What the hell, why are you being so stubborn…”I sighed in frustration and trailed off. Jung Woojin was looking at me with eyes full of discontent.“Sunbae, do you really not mind if I talk to someone else?”“As long as you’re not cheating, what’s the problem? You can talk on the phone and stuff.”“Is it really okay if I talk to someone else?”“So what? What does it matter, damn it? You’re not cheating.”“Sunbae, does that mean as long as I’m not cheating, I can do whatever with someone else?”Seeing Jung Woojin’s tearful expression, I nodded. I could tell that what he meant by being able to do whatever was simply talking, saying hello in the morning, eating lunch together, and all those kinds of things. I didn’t need to ask for permission for every single one of those things.However, it seemed Jung Woojin was somewhat shocked by my words, and he stared at me in surprise before starting to whimper.“Sunbae, isn’t that too much?”“What do you mean?”“It’s really too much.”“…….”As Jung Woojin lowered his head, tears fell to the floor as if they had been waiting to drop. Seeing that made me suddenly feel like the worst person in the world. Anyone watching would think I was cheating and acting like I didn’t care. Jung Woojin was crying so sorrowfully that it made me feel that way.“Sunbae, it’s okay if I talk to someone else, right?”“…….”“It doesn’t matter if I talk on the phone, text, or laugh with someone else, right? That’s what you mean, isn’t it?”“…….”Did I say something I shouldn’t have? Is it really such a big mistake to just tell him to talk to other people and have conversations? Did I tell him to cheat on me? I just told him to talk a little. No, damn it, why is he crying like that?I had a lot to say, but I felt like if I spoke, he would cry even more, so I just listened quietly until I finally spoke up.“I’m curious about what you talk about when you smile and talk with someone else.”“I’ll kill that bastard if I see Sunbae talking and laughing with someone else.”“……Why don’t you wonder what I said before killing him?”“What does it matter what was said?”“Why don’t you just sew my mouth shut?”“Sunbae, how could I do that? I could just tear that bastard’s mouth apart.”Watching Jung Woojin, who was crying yet still managed to say what he wanted, I began to feel a sense of self-loathing about why I was even having this kind of conversation with him. As Jung Woojin continued to sniffle and pleaded for me to check, I opened his phone and looked at the contacts.Mother, Father, Hyung.Seeing only three entries, I was taken aback and asked,“Why are there only these?”“That’s all there was.”“But you had a few work numbers.”“When?”“There were, right? When did you delete them?”I was about to lose my mind. Suppressing my anger, I took a deep breath and said,“What if something suddenly comes up?”“If it’s urgent, I can just call my mom.”“Are you trying to show off that you’re the boss’s son?”“Anyway, I don’t know anyone else.”“Damn it, we really aren’t communicating at all!”Finally unable to hold back, I shouted, and Jung Woojin lowered his head again. I genuinely worried about him and asked,“Does no one say anything to you when you work like this?”“Actually, my mom said if I keep this up, I should just quit.”“What? And what did you say to that?”When I asked in surprise, Jung Woojin looked up to gauge my reaction and replied,“I said okay…”“…….”“But Sunbae said he likes capable people. So I said I’d try to do better.”I truly didn’t care if Jung Woojin was unemployed. It would be troublesome if he did nothing for too long, but I was willing to wait until he found what he really wanted to do. If money was tight, I could work, and since we weren’t living together just because he was capable, that didn’t matter to me at all.What worried me was Jung Woojin’s unrealistic mental state. He already had an abnormal lack of awareness of reality, and I was concerned about how he would fare if he didn’t even engage in social life. It would be fine for him to do something other than modeling, but honestly, what company would accept someone who worked like that?“What will you do if you quit your job?”“I can live without doing anything.”“What you have isn’t really yours.”“It is mine…”“Isn’t everything your parents gave you?”How old was this kid to be saying such childish things? I furrowed my brow, and Jung Woojin looked at me nervously.“My parents only gave me a few buildings. I bought my house and everything else with my own money. I even bought that island…”“…….”“I’m serious. If you don’t believe me, should I show you the property deed?”“…….”I was left speechless, seeing Jung Woojin pleading for me to believe him. I had always thought he was just living off his parents until now; I had no idea he had so much wealth. And it was also funny that he claimed only a few buildings were given to him by his parents. I knew he was wealthy, but I didn’t expect it to be to this extent, so I was a bit taken aback.“……Hey, are a few buildings really that impressive?”I was momentarily at a loss for words due to his unexpected response, but I felt I should say something, so I blurted out whatever came to mind. Seeing Jung Woojin shake his head with a pitiful expression, I genuinely asked,“How on earth did you make that much money? Did you really earn all of it yourself?”No, damn it. I had tried every part-time job since middle school, and I struggled just to get by. How did this kid make so much money? Did he earn it all from rental income? How many buildings does he even have? As I asked out of pure curiosity, Jung Woojin nodded.“Stocks.”“Can you really make that much money with stocks?”“If you know when to buy and sell…”“How do you know that? Did someone teach you?”“No, I just have a knack for it… I should study more, but… sometimes there’s information…”As he spoke, he seemed to realize how odd it sounded, tilting his head, then suddenly looked up at me as if he had an epiphany.“Sunbae, do you need money by any chance?”“What?”“Would you like some?”“…….”He had a few buildings, stocks, and even an island, so wouldn’t it be reasonable for me to accept some cash?That thought quickly crossed my mind, but my remaining conscience made me shake my head with difficulty.“Why would you give me money?”“Because Sunbae wants it…”“I never said I wanted it.”“Then what do you want?”I wanted a lot. But no one had ever asked me that before, so it was hard to answer. I just vaguely thought there was a lot I wanted, but I didn’t know exactly what it was. And I knew Jung Woojin would be the type to bring whatever I mentioned, so I didn’t want to ask for anything specific. I didn’t need anything right now anyway.“What I want from you right now isn’t money; it’s your conscience.”“…….”“If you really have a conscience, you shouldn’t work like this while getting paid.”“…….”As I said this with a serious expression, I suddenly realized how strange it was. How did we end up here? I recalled what we had been discussing at first and sighed, thinking of the lock.“And, huh? Stop putting that damn thing on the front door. It seriously drives me crazy every time I see it.”“Sunbae, you were angry.”“Then you should just get angry too, don’t do something like that.”“How can I get angry at Sunbae? If you end up disliking me, I’ll be the one at a loss…”“…….”He didn’t seem to be joking; he seemed to be speaking very sincerely. I was truly at a loss for words.“If you get angry, do you think I won’t dislike you? If you put a lock on the front door, do you think I won’t dislike that?”“…….”“Ugh, this kid…”I sighed in disbelief, and suddenly Jung Woojin started mumbling nonsensically.“Why didn’t you say you love me when you came to work today?”“Why is that coming up all of a sudden?”“It feels like it’s been ages since I heard that. And I’m sorry for being annoyed on the phone earlier. Sunbae didn’t reply to my text… and you picked up the phone late, so I was already feeling down, and then you told someone else your phone number, and it just came out weird.”What on earth was he talking about? He was complaining about not hearing “I love you” and then apologizing for being annoyed. I didn’t know how to respond, so I just nodded for now.“I’ve never given my number out.”“I know Sunbae doesn’t do that.”“And even if I gave my phone number to someone else, that’s my choice.”“…….”“I don’t plan on living my life asking for your permission for every little thing, so just understand that.”Jung Woojin, who had been mumbling and looking down, lifted his gaze to stare at me. His face looked completely shocked, as if a single tap would make him burst into tears. Looking at his watery eyes, I sighed again.“I’m living here not because you’ve trapped me; I’m here because I want to be. I want to live with you.”“…….”“The reason I didn’t give my phone number to someone else isn’t because you told me not to; it’s because I thought you would dislike it. I’ve never done anything because you told me to. Do you understand? Everything I do, I do because I want to.”The more I spoke, the more absurd it felt. I had never forced myself to do any of these things. I was just doing what I wanted, but Jung Woojin didn’t seem to understand that. Living here, dating Jung Woojin, liking him—everything was because I wanted it.“I’m going to keep doing what I want.”While saying this with a troubled expression, Jung Woojin suddenly began to cry. He might have thought I was angry again. Or maybe he was upset because I didn’t listen to him. I watched as he wiped his tears repeatedly with his hand, unable to stop the flow. Eventually, I couldn’t hold back anymore and said,“No matter how much you cry, this can’t be helped.”I couldn’t live the way Jung Woojin wanted. I said I’d do what I wanted, but I knew I couldn’t have everything go my way. I just wanted to live together while compromising to some extent, but Jung Woojin was under so much stress. He had only been stressed and had ended up here. He was back on medication he had stopped taking, fighting over a glance I exchanged with someone else, and putting a lock on the front door just because I shared my phone number.Damn it, saying it out loud was just absurd. This frustrating kid.“Why are you crying again?”I thought I was speaking calmly, but whether it was because of that or because he just couldn’t accept my words, Jung Woojin kept crying. Finally unable to hold back, I asked him, and he said something strange.“Because I like it.”“What?”That was an answer I never expected. Like it? Like what? I asked, bewildered.“Do you like being scolded by me?”Damn, are you insane? What’s there to like? When I asked in disbelief, Jung Woojin shook his head.“No, I want to live with you…”“What?”“I want to live with you… Sunbae…”“…….”He spoke sorrowfully but seemed to choke up, unable to continue. He parted his lips as if to say something, but no voice came out. Only a few muffled cries escaped before he shut his mouth again, and I did the same.Since earlier, all I could think was how absurd this was. Why would it be such a big deal to be happy that I want to live with you? What did he think I was doing here all this time?Countless questions that I couldn’t say out loud swirled in my throat.“……Do you think I’m trapped here?”If he had said yes, I would have lost my temper, but fortunately, Jung Woojin shook his head.“Still, I like it.”“…….”“Sunbae doesn’t say that often… sometimes I think… there might be times when I just want to get out… and living together… might be boring too…”The more he spoke, the more his voice cracked. By the end, I could barely understand what he was saying.I didn’t know what to say whenever Jung Woojin acted like this. I didn’t understand why he was so moved by such trivial words and why he was worrying for no reason.“I go out when I want to.”“Not like that. I mean, completely leave.”“…….”Just a moment ago, I felt like I was going to suffocate, but seeing Jung Woojin like this made my heart soften for no reason. I wondered if I hadn’t expressed myself well enough and why he was so moved by something that seemed so trivial.I never expected that after living together for over two years, he would still be thinking like this.“Lately, you haven’t told me you love me.”“…….”“You also don’t reply to my texts. You don’t pick up the phone right away.”“…….”Do you really need to say “I love you” out loud to know? No, how can I say that every day? I might not see texts if I’m busy or sleeping, and I might not be able to answer the phone if I’m doing something else. I was about to say that it was absurd to fuss over such trivial things, but I felt that this was not trivial for Jung Woojin, so I held back.“I can’t just stare at my phone all day. But I do reply and answer as soon as I check it.”When I spoke in a somewhat softened voice, Jung Woojin took the opportunity to start pouring out all sorts of complaints.“Why didn’t you take me on a date over the weekend?”“Because I was angry then.”“A while ago, you were in the car with me and texting a friend.”“Because I got a text.”“Why do you look at your phone when you’re with me? I turn off my phone when I’m with you.”It was really such trivial nonsense that I didn’t know what to say every time this happened. While I found it absurd, the most ridiculous thing was that Jung Woojin was genuinely saying these things.“You said we would go watch a movie, but we didn’t….”“This is seriously such an inconsiderate thing to say. Hey, why couldn’t we go see a movie then!”I couldn’t tell him that I fell asleep almost immediately after making out, only to wake up the next day as the sun was setting. This wasn’t really my fault. Even if I told him to stop, he wouldn’t listen, and that was the day I ended up seeing the sunrise.“I had plans that day, remember? You went out.”“How long are you going to keep bringing that up? It’s been over two months!”“And you say you don’t care if I talk to someone else….”Seeing him cry again made me want to hit him, but I barely held back. I took a few deep breaths to calm my anger, and then Jung Woojin said,“But I still like you.”“…….”“I really like you a lot, Sunbae. I truly love you.”“…….”I was the only one dumbfounded by this sudden topic shift. Yet, it was so absurd that I couldn’t say anything more to Jung Woojin.“You’ll never know how much I love you, Sunbae.”Hearing Jung Woojin say he loved me was something I was used to, but sometimes it genuinely stirred my heart. On some days, I could just brush it off with, ‘Yeah, I know,’ but on days like today, I couldn’t even say that I knew.“That doesn’t mean I want you to die, though.”As he sniffled and added that late remark, I almost said something back but instead handed him a tissue. As he took it, his wrist pulled me close for a while, and then he asked,“Why do you keep crying like that? Are you a faucet?”“I usually don’t cry.”“…….”It’s like saying someone can live without eating. Sighing at his completely unbelievable statement only made my embrace around him tighten even more.“Don’t you have any of those feelings?”“I don’t know what that is, but I feel like I don’t.”He seemed like he was about to say something strange again, so I replied with a skeptical expression, and Jung Woojin looked at me as he slightly moved away.“Every time I see you, I just want to cry.”“Why?”“I don’t know; I just keep crying. I want to cry when you smile, when you get angry, and even when I see you sleeping.”“…….”I felt like I understood but didn’t at the same time. I had never felt that way myself, but I guessed it might have something to do with heightened emotions.“When will I be able to look at you without feeling emotional?”When I lifted my hand to wipe his eyes, Jung Woojin leaned his face into my palm and asked. The wet skin touching my hand felt oddly ticklish, so I pulled my hand back, and Jung Woojin opened his eyes.“Have you calmed down from being mad?”“I wasn’t that angry earlier.”“You hung up the phone.”“Because you were talking nonsense.”“I was wrong.”I had lost count of how many times I had heard him say that he was wrong. After a moment of silence as I didn’t say anything, I looked into Jung Woojin’s wet eyes and asked,“Are you taking your medication again?”“I haven’t taken it much.”“Can’t you sleep?”“Just these days….”I felt like I might know what he was going to say. Jung Woojin had been acting really strange lately. He was already odd, but he looked increasingly anxious and often cried or got angry over trivial matters. It seemed like he was about to reach his breaking point.Seeing Jung Woojin mumble without finishing his sentence, I asked,“Do you wake up in the middle of the night, or do you just not sleep at all?”“I keep waking up.”“Why? Are you having nightmares?”At my question, Jung Woojin nodded.“What kind of dream? Do you keep having the same one?”Even though my listening wouldn’t solve anything, I was curious about what Jung Woojin was thinking. He usually spoke readily about trivial or anxious matters, but I couldn’t tell what was significant and what was just idle talk.“Sometimes it’s the same dream, sometimes it’s different….”He seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it. When he caught a cold or hurt himself, he’d whine about even a little pain, but he never volunteered to talk about something like this unless I asked. Even when I tried to pry it out of him, he often sidestepped the question.“It gets better after a while.”“Then after some time, you dream again?”“…….”“What kind of dream?”I wanted to ask if it was a dream from his childhood, but the words wouldn’t come out. Bringing up past events felt incredibly delicate. Not only did I barely remember, but it wasn’t a good memory for either Jung Woojin or me, so I wished to forget it as much as possible.But I knew I couldn’t keep living like this. If what happened back then was the issue, I felt like I needed to resolve it somehow. No, if I thought about it, the fact that I had abandoned Jung Woojin was an unchanging truth, and there was no way to fix that, but I still hoped that by talking and recalling it, I might someday feel indifferent about it.“When you were a child?”“I’m sure you came to find me back then, Sunbae.”That had never happened.“It really did happen.”While it was true that my memory wasn’t great, the time I met Jung Woojin again wasn’t then. Jung Woojin, looking at me with his hazy eyes, closed them for a moment and then opened them, finally focusing. As I tightened my grip on his wrist, Jung Woojin lowered his head. After a moment, he spoke.“I think it was around that time. I don’t really remember your face well…”“…….”“I started having dreams around that time, but I can’t distinguish them well…”Jung Woojin, who had been mumbling, looked up at me.“I keep dreaming about that time lately. I see myself sleeping on my bed in my room, but even though I know I’ll wake up eventually if I keep watching, I can’t sleep because I don’t want to see it. Even when I fall asleep again, I just keep sleeping…”“What are you dreaming about while you’re sleeping in your dream?”At my question, Jung Woojin seemed to want to say something but then fell silent again. This happened several times. Then he couldn’t speak anymore and lifted the hand I was holding to pull my neck. As Jung Woojin lowered his head, his lips brushed against my eyes before sliding down to my cheek and then to my lips.Maybe because he was crying, his lips felt hot. His tongue slipped naturally into my open mouth and began to lick inside. His hand slipped under my clothes, caressing my back, then pulled down my pants. As my body was pushed and I sat on the sofa, my pants were quickly stripped away.All left are extras and AUs which I will update eventually!