I Reincarnated as a Noble Bastard, So I'm Seducing All the Villainess

Bubble gum is made to be chewed and then spit out, I was treated like one when we entered that strange darkness. Very loving, Ravenna, especially after everything I did and went through.

Man, I went so far as to create a completely fictional love story and even survived a psychotic lover just to be tossed aside like that? It really, really hurt.

Anyway, I can't stay with my face glued to this floor forever. I lift my head, coming face to face with some kind of underground dungeon, I guess that would be the best way to describe it. 

There are dirty stone walls everywhere and a long corridor stretching out in front of us. I'd like to know why things like torches still exist, but an electric shower has already been invented. Time to step up your game, magic experts.

I get to my feet and dust off my clothes, the sound of "escaping wind" echoes behind me, and I turn to see a terrifying goth woman staring at me with a huge sadistic grin.

"Fufufu..."

She walks towards me on tiptoes. Stop, stop! I don't want you to get that close! The heart attack from earlier was enough! Are you going to try to kill me for good now to get rid of any other witnesses?

Instead of unleashing a life-reaping lightning bolt, Ravenna throws herself at me in such a tight hug that we almost fall backward. Lucky this body is used to holding women!

"We did it, we did it!"

"What do you mean 'we did it'?!"

"We escaped in one piece, didn't leave any body parts behind! It's such a relief, I swore you'd given up on me. You have no idea how happy I was when you held that letter up high!"

The glow on Ravenna's face has nothing to do with the personality I've known these past few days, in fact, it's too radiant for such a dark appearance. 

She swings me from side to side like a child who just got a birthday present. This isn't normal. No one who summons a demonic serpent, literally causes a scene in the open sky over the Imperial City, and then becomes a fugitive, gets this happy. 

You sure you're a villain?

"Did you see the king's face?! Kwahahahaha! I swear, if there was a painting of that lemon-sucking expression, I'd frame it right now!"

"Ravenna..."

"And the Count! His eyes almost popped out!" She spins on her heels, throwing her arms up in an ecstasy of happiness. "Then there was the inquisitor at the end... that golden dog, trying to save the 'innocent hostage.' He really thought he'd stop me, how cute!"

"Ravenna..."

"And the explosions? You caused them! I mean, technically no, but you were the reason! It was something worthy of a book scene!"

"RAVENNA!"

She stops. That smile freezes on her face and turns into a dark-lipsticked question mark.

"What is this place?"

"This? A shelter! It's temporary and not a dream place, but it has its advantages... for example, nobody can find us here. Not even the inquisitors."

She twirls, stretches her arms, and takes a deep breath, leaning her back against the wall. Did we just walk into a luxury hotel and I didn't get the memo? I look around and all I see are dirty stone, moss, and some questionable chains hanging from one of the walls.

"Wonderful, isn't it?"

"It smells like dead rat!"

"Rustic charm. You wouldn't understand ancient art."

I roll my eyes and push my hair out of my face. A speck of dust gets in my mouth. Delicious.

"Okay... let's go, my partner in crime and potential magical terrorist. Explain what the hell that was. Why did everything explode in the hall? Why did you just make a getaway? Why cling to me like a needy girlfriend when I'm useless for your plans?"

"Oh, Darius, people don't trust witches... but they trust love stories. Imagine my escape is just a pretext, a smokescreen for me to later get off scot-free. Since you found the document and made a big accusation against the Count, it's very likely I'll emerge unscathed."

"But that doesn't explain the explosions..."

"Ah, that... that's more complicated."

From the little witch's expression, I can smell something big cooking, but the reality is I'm just playing dumb. I read the original work, of course I have an idea who's behind that terrorist attack... but I've been so focused on not dying and staying in character these past few days that I forgot! 

I need to start writing down the plot points in a notebook before I go crazy, if I rely on this memory, I'll die prematurely.

She approaches again, this time with short steps, and places both hands on my chest. Easy, woman, you're too forward for me! You'll stop my heart, I have a weakness for your type! The way those gray eyes stare at me is going to drive me insane, I'm serious!

"But you know what? Even with all that, you were brilliant. That performance... You stole the show! If you keep this up, I might even start to genuinely like you."

She whispers the last phrase in my ear and gives me a loud kiss on the cheek before walking down the dungeon corridor. Not even on the mouth, you slut!

"Now come on. We need to talk to someone and... resolve a particular matter."

Particular matter? Oh no. No, no, no, not at all. I just wanted to survive a trial. Now I'm an accomplice to a fugitive witch, involved in a romance that never existed, and my name must be slandered by half the nobility.

"Ravenna... where exactly are we going?"

She just raises her hand and waves without looking back.

"To the heart of the underworld, sweetie, where all good tragedies begin."

Ahhh, yes, the underworld, where all the Imperial City's biggest criminals meet and where the homicide rate is nothing less than 1000% higher. At least my rate decreases near this witch, the question is whether she'll actually protect me.

"I should've become a baker."

The idea is very tempting. Instead of chasing dangerous women, it would make more sense to open a bakery, bake bread daily, marry a pretty girl, and have ten little kids to play soccer against the neighbors. Seriously, what did I get myself into?

"Come onnnn," she calls, descending a spiral stone staircase with a natural ease only seen in people who grew up in this kind of hole. "The underworld doesn't wait for delicate souls."

Delicate souls my dick.

I just wished she'd use a decent lantern or a candle. The only light we have comes from these torches shoved into wall mounts, each one more crooked and dying than the last. The stairs spiral, and spiral, and spiral, to the point where I feel like just rolling down would be easier.

It smells like goblin guts have been cooking down here for a hundred years.

"You know, Darius, the Imperial City is a pain. Everyone puts on those fake smiles, pretending we don't know what they're really doing. I've always hated that place, seeing what's beneath the curtain is much more interesting than playing in their theater."

"Like secret tunnels that reek of mold and human waste?"

"Exactly!"

At the bottom of the staircase, we reach a stone wall that doesn't look like anything special. If this path turns out to be useless too, I swear I'm going to smack this woman on the head... But Ravenna shoves her nail into one of the bricks, applies pressure, and the damn wall groans, slowly sinking in with a muffled thud.

Now there's a new corridor. I'm loving walking through corridors. Hmm? Those marks on the ground look like... tracks?

"Welcome to the official entrance to the underworld."

"Ravenna, is this a train line?"

"A subterranean transport line, rather. It was created at the time of the city's founding to move magical resources and prisoners between the hidden districts. Of course, it fell into disuse. But the underworld rediscovered it and now uses it for more... creative things."

"Creative things like artifact trafficking, magical orgies, and illegal dragon scale sales?"

"You quickly grasped the essence of the place, I'm impressed." She winks at me and pulls a metal hook hidden in the wall. A whistle echoes from deep within the tunnel. "Our train arrives in two minutes."

"You even have trains in the underworld?! Is this a cartel or a theme park?"

She just shrugs.

"Why not both?"

The whistle gets louder. Suddenly, the lights on the tunnel ceiling (yes, there are lights on the tunnel ceiling) flicker in red, green, and bluish hues. A long, twisted car, made of crudely welded metal plates, brakes in front of us with a grotesque hiss.

The door opens with a rusty clang, and Ravenna pulls me by the hand.

"Come on, sweetie. Let's see a side of the Imperial City you've probably never seen."

Great. I should be home eating soup, not getting on a clandestine magical train driven by a crazy witch who almost destroyed the royal court.

But my hand is already in hers, my body is already inside, and the train is already moving.

"I should've become a baker," I whisper again.

Ravenna leans on my shoulder, stroking my hair with all the tenderness in the world. Is this some kind of mercy for my soul?

"You still can. You'll just need to bake bread with inquisitor's blood to sell, hehe."