I Picked Up a Witch from a Novel

**□□ Transformation.**

Ain.

I always mutter that name.

Nothing gives me greater meaning, so for a long time, that has been the only meaning of my life.

I liked it when an unknown emotion would quietly rise whenever I thought of him.

My heart would thump loudly, and at times, it would feel tight.

It felt like my insides would churn when I was surrounded by people, but it wasn’t an unpleasant churn.

There was a ticklish feeling I had never experienced before, and whenever I looked at him, I would often zone out.

During the time we spent together, the whole process would repeat, so I tried to hold it all in tightly so nothing would spill out.

However.

“Ain.”

Finally, when night fell and I was alone.

“Ain.”

I would dreamily whisper.

“Ain.”

It was a word as sweet as candy.

“Ain.”

It was a word as warm as sunlight.

“Ain.”

Above all, it was the name that rang out most clearly.

So, I would only savor all that during the night.

Once it started, the moonlight would vanish, and I would think of that feeling until dawn broke.

It felt like I was floating in the clouds and would end up exclaiming “Ain” again.

And that feeling.

Fortunately, unlike other various emotions, it overflowed and overflowed without turning into a messy pile of ash.

It flowed serenely as if it belonged to me, transforming into a fuzzy warmth at some point.

In that way, it felt like a peculiar something that wanted to hide my reddened face, covering it gently and then dispersing.

However, every time I felt this emotion, I thought I was happy, yet I still did not know what it was.

Could it merely be simple happiness?

Or could it be expressed by the word joy?

Can this immense emotion of mine be simplified and scattered into just happiness and joy?

Is it right to so simply categorize and define the feelings that reverberate in my chest?

I don’t know.

I cannot know.

I am foolish and ignorant, so even while in a haze, those thoughts follow.

Since no one can tell me what it truly is, I am left to ponder this emotion alone, spending long nights in solitude.

Someone might look at me and think I’m undoubtedly frustrating.

And someone else might ask why I don’t just go and ask Ain if I’m troubled by such thoughts.

Then I would respond.

Even though I have not yet learned much, I do know what embarrassment feels like.

That there is a part of me that wants to hide things from him, preventing me from asking.

That would probably be my answer.

Sometimes I think back.

Back when I was younger.

When I would have clumsily expressed my wishes not to let Ain leave my side.

If as a child I had stubbornly held on to him and never let go.

Would our relationship have been a bit closer?

Or would he have been so put off by me that I would have only seen him leaving me behind quickly?

Time has passed, and I have grown.

Even though I am still just a foolish and ignorant female.

I have been observant enough to understand.

What he hides, what he contemplates.

Perhaps a parting.

Or something that could be called a journey.

I have been aware for quite some time that Ain has such thoughts.

That was my long-standing anxiety.

The memory of being afraid he would always leave my side, trembling as a child.

Wishing he would look at me, I tried to be a good child in the past.

I started working to be of help to him and learned how to speak formally to earn his praise.

My passion was so overwhelming that now I have become a woman who only speaks formally.

Yet because Ain was there looking at me, none of it felt difficult at all.

It was a gloomy and insidious sentiment.

Wanting him to stay by my side, hoping he wouldn’t leave me behind.

But I was also too cowardly to outright say I wanted to always be together.

So I wondered if I could somehow continue living by his side if I acted this way.

Thus, I merely tried to be a good child.

I simply wished to keep my promise with him and obey.

“…”

Truthfully, I don’t really know.

What my true feelings are, what my emotions entail.

What I want to say to Ain, I’m just a fool who knows none of those things properly.

Have I ever truly thought I wanted to be good?

Does such a heart exist within me, a monster capable of hurting someone with a mere fleeting emotion?

I absolutely cannot know.

As a grey haze.

Since I am grey, I cannot believe in myself.

And.

“Eh… Efride, Binishi… what are you saying?”

From a spot slightly away from the counter, I hear his murmuring.

“Dvaly… Chi. Bini, E… Mi.”

That is a language I cannot comprehend at all.

Characters I have never seen him display before, written on the surface of a book.

And that is.

Some kind of new language he will use beyond the empire he wants to go to.

I realized that fact long ago.

“Ain.”

“Yeah.”

Feigning ignorance, I approached him with a gentle smile.

“What are you doing… no, what are you doing?”

“….”

“Is it something hard to say?”

It is indeed a somewhat hard thing to talk about.

A troubled expression slowly spread across his face, revealing the long-standing dilemmas he had always hesitated to voice while looking at me.

“Just.”

“….”

“The book is a little difficult.”

“Ah, I see.”

Ain still wasn’t able to be courageous today, and I was also too fearful to pass the words along.

Smiles.

Laughter.

We both hide our worries behind such gestures.

A day ends, and night returns once again.

Then again, I think of Ain.

Ain.

Ain always looked far away.

Ain always tried to achieve something.

Thus, everything he does feels like a blade piercing towards me.

A person without any goals wouldn’t train with such tenacity.

There must be a reason he saves money without spending it on anything except for giving it to me.

Is there anyone who would declare studying meaningless for commoners and still read and study whenever there’s a chance?

So.

Everything eventually changes bit by bit.

When I was younger, Ain once said.

Was it said that even rivers and mountains change in ten years?

Just like that, my relationship with Ain is now racing toward a decade.

Nothing in this world remains unchanged, and it is becoming a reality that eventually we too will transform into something.

In accordance with that, my emotions are consistently flowing in directions that differ from my rational mind.

Ain.

Ain.

I want to hold him back.

I want to grab hold of the hem of his clothes as he tries to leave my side.

I always find myself thinking that I want to be with him forever.

If I could bring everything he desires to him, would he never leave my side?

What he likely desires is a journey.

A process of advancing into a different world beyond the empire, exploring it all.

…

So.

Ain.

If I were to bring everything you long for, would you stay by my side?

Elves and dwarves.

Fairies and spirits.

Dragons and ogres.

If I were to capture all the things you might be interested in alive and present them before you, would you be grateful to me?

If that wasn’t enough, what if I erased everything you might be interested in?

If I did that, would you not leave me?

Ain.

Ain.

Don’t abandon me.

Ain.

“…Ah.”

Again.

Ultimately, I end up like this once more.

No matter how hard I try to hide it, no matter how much I strive to change.

In the course of those diverse thoughts, I find myself inevitably moving past the realm of a good child.

I discover my own self grotesquely transforming into something unwanted.

…

I hastily stopped my thoughts and stabbed my arm fiercely with my nails.

If I were to continue that line of thinking, emotions would surely overflow and easily succumb to grey.

However, unleashing emotions is easy, but once it starts to overflow, containing them again isn’t so simple.

The ash, blended with emotions, would fill the room, swirling as if to erase reality.

Only after bleeding enough to soak my clothes does it slowly begin to settle.

Thus, I have always repeated this process.

“…”

So, here’s the thing.

I can only continue my thoughts after returning those overflowing emotions.

It’s just that brief moment when I become like a beast easily swept up by my instincts.

I always hated that about myself.

Unable to change, following after him, always feeling like I might hurt him someday.

I have always feared that.

Yet, desperately clinging to the desire to stay by his side.

My efforts to keep him from leaving are.

“Ain…”

What on earth is this emotion?

I still cannot understand my feelings because I am foolish and ignorant.

When I sense complex and subtle emotions, my heart keeps aching.

And while looking at Ain, I hear the pounding sound resonating.

From time to time, it surely flows in an unfavorable direction.

What is this feeling that makes my face flush and my head feel hot?

I still cannot discern.

Ain.

If I were to ask Ain, could he possibly answer my question?

Such thoughts fleetingly cross my mind, but I can only shake my head.

Because I do not want to burden him further.

I need to be a good child who does not cause Ain any trouble.

I do not wish to harbor wicked intentions of wanting more after having already received so much.

If I cannot do this.

I’d rather think about simply dying.

Ain.

Ain.

Ain.

Ain.

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