SWNOVELXO Chapter 32
Chapter 30.
It’s snowing.
The snow dances with the wind and gradually spreads along the street, and before long, the world turns completely white.
On such a day, Asha and I find ourselves among the snowy piles that have accumulated on the street.
Despite saying I didn’t want to go out because it was cold, there is a woman who drags me out and sits down, eagerly molding the snow.
Sitting on the street, it’s unclear whether her hands feel cold as she diligently makes snowballs.
“Hmm, it’s cold.”
Even though she clearly states that it’s cold, her expression remains, as usual, slightly dazed.
She presses down firmly to create round snowballs, places them on the ground, and rolls them to increase their size.
“Ain, why are you just sitting there? Hurry up and make yours.”
“… It’s cold.”
I hear the voice of the woman urging me to roll another snowball while I just remain still, watching.
“We promised to make them together. You’re not going to break that promise, are you?”
“…”
I wonder how much effort it takes for her to speak so clearly and assertively, even more than I do these days.
“I believe Ain is not a liar.”
“… Alright, I get it.”
So today, I lose to her once again.
With a bright smile, Asha rolls the snow, enjoying herself, and I begin to roll a snowball as well.
The snow is cold.
My hands gradually feel numb as they touch the white, fluffy snow, and I keep shaking them off after rolling for a bit, then shaking them off again after another short roll.
I have no idea how I’m able to keep rolling this cold mass without resting.
She watches me quietly and then tilts her head before approaching me.
“Ain, are you cold?”
“No, I just said it was cold a little while ago…”
Then she takes my hand and rubs it against her face.
“My face is warm. Right?”
“…”
Pressing my hand against her cheeks and already rosy face is quite cute.
With somewhat dazed eyes, she looks at me and mumbles with her lips, which are pushed out from being pressed.
I can’t help but chuckle at that.
“Is it maybe not very warm? Then maybe I should put it in here…”
“No, it’s really warm.”
“It should be warmer here, right?”
“… It’s fine. So please, don’t try to take off your clothes like that.”
Even passing dogs instinctively know that it’s warmer inside.
I just hope she has learned that it’s not that she doesn’t know that fact.
Of course, I used to wash her when she was younger, but now she’s a proper woman.
The one who finds herself in trouble is only me.
After a little while, a snowman-like figure was finally made.
Strangely, the body and head are the same size, and the branches used for arms are unrefined.
The face has yet to be made properly, leaving it looking incomplete, but she watches it and smiles radiantly.
“Ain, this still looks ugly.”
“How can you know it looks ugly when the face hasn’t even been made?”
“Ah, then it’s probably ugly.”
Although she laughed because the snowman looked ugly, she seemed to rather like the snowman we made together, running over to it and giving it a gentle hug.
I quietly called out to her.
“Asha.”
“Yeah, Ain.”
Since it’s a snowman that will guard the grocery store all winter long, I think it’s good to let people know that it’s from the grocery store.
“Can you go inside and secretly bring me a carrot and a handful of black beans without Uncle noticing?”
“Got it. Just wait a bit.”
So truly, finishing it off with groceries was the correct duty for our snowman.
“Be quick and sneak out, Asha.”
“Yeah, don’t worry.”
With a bright smile after hearing my words, she sneaks into the grocery store.
And then—
“Ain, you damn kid!”
Not long after, a loud shout comes from inside.
Of course, there was no way for her to avoid Uncle’s gaze.
I hadn’t told her this, but my goal was to get her caught by Uncle.
That way, Uncle, who had been hiding inside, would have to come out into the cold as well.
As expected, the two who came out through the door were just as I had predicted.
“I caught a thief trying to steal groceries. Ain, what do you think?”
One of them is the bearded Uncle who had no intention of joining our snowman-making plan.
“Sorry, Ain. I failed at sneaking out.”
The other is Asha, who hangs onto Uncle’s hand with a carrot and a handful of black beans tucked in her arms.
So I smiled and replied.
“It’s okay. Asha, you did well. And Uncle, if you’ve come out, you should help us out. It looks better if the three of us made it together.”
I told Uncle to face the punishment for ignoring all the time until I was dragged out by Asha.
“No way, we almost finished it. Can’t we just finish it and go inside?”
“It’s not fair that I’m the only one dragged out into the cold.”
“What, you little rascal?”
After all, it would be unfair for only Uncle to be resting inside a warm store.
The cold of winter isn’t divided evenly, but it would be nice to share the cold a bit and create memories together.
So I gestured towards Asha, who was still hanging on.
“Asha, give Uncle the black beans and bring him over here.”
“Here, Uncle. Please take this and go over there.”
She hands the black beans to Uncle and continues to point to me while still dangling.
“No, you guys… At this age, a cold wind makes my knees numb…”
Of course, I ignored Uncle’s sigh.
He had the strength to bear a child just recently, so complaining of numb knees wouldn’t work with me.
Moreover, he’s strong enough to carry a grown woman with one hand without a problem.
Thus, the three of us finished the snowman.
It still looked clumsy, and even the face decorated with a carrot and black beans looked silly.
We gathered together, looking at it, and burst into laughter.
Uncle teased that it was the ugliest snowman he had ever seen, while Asha nodded, agreeing that it was indeed ugly.
I, too, couldn’t deny it and could only scratch the back of my head awkwardly.
However, this was part of the process of making new memories.
It was my first decision to build memories until I grew into an adult and left on my journey.
Initially, it was a method I thought of while reading Ildrin’s gray research papers, but the memories weren’t limited to just Asha alone.
They were for the gray woman who looked blankly at me, as well as for Uncle Rendo, who patted our heads.
It was a decision mixed with my desire to leave something behind for those who remained, albeit a little distorted.
Moreover, it was for me, who would be setting off on a journey.
I had no feelings for them, considering them just characters.
My reckless declaration to embark on a personal journey separate from the plot had taken on a slightly different shape.
The past, where I carelessly passed by them and only observed, was nowhere to be found now.
Everything begins to weigh heavily on my mind.
Even concentrated on the sole purpose of my journey, my gaze keeps drifting sideways or backward.
It was not just Asha’s story.
It could also be the story of Uncle Rendo, who had employed me until now, or Rini, who might be at the training center.
It included the tales of Janssen, who would be at the adventurer’s shop, and Ildrin, who would continue his research at the library.
And it all became the stories of the two who always supported me.
My mother and father were preparing to part with their only son with smiles.
Therefore.
I kept being drawn to all those things, and this time was also a memory I was stacking up to keep myself in check.
So, as I was lost in thought, I heard a voice call me.
“Ain, should we remake this?”
“Kid, I think it might even be nice to break it and make a prettier one instead.”
I could hear the voices of the two aiming shovels at the snowman.
So I replied to them.
“No, since we made an ugly snowman this year, let’s make a better-looking one next year.”
I speak about the memories to be made next year.
“If you say so, then we should. Asha, are you okay with that?”
“Then we’re making another one next year?”
I flashed a smile, nodded at the two of them.
The ugly snowman will stand in front of the grocery store all winter, as part of the scenery.
As a memory, once again.
Thus, I quietly called Asha, who was trying to enter the grocery store.
“Asha.”
“Yeah, Ain.”
Now, I feel that it’s truly time to talk.
I’m sure it’s time to execute my second decision.
“Shall we walk for a bit?”
“…, Yeah. Sounds good.”
I gaze at her as she approaches me, smiling brightly once again.
The end of my fourteen years is also approaching.
As we step into the season where winter has settled in, the reason I call her to walk together is simple.
While glancing at the snowman we just made, I couldn’t help but remember what Uncle once said to me.
I wonder when I would tell her about my intention to embark on a journey.
The voice that questioned when I would tell her resonates in my ears.
It was a question I had heard as soon as I turned fourteen, and nearly ten months have passed since then.
And yet, I still hadn’t told her about the journey.
If she were to ask why I hadn’t said anything yet, I could only murmur an excuse that I had been contemplating the method.
Every day, indeed every single day.
I was reading the gray research papers I had received from Ildrin.
I held onto those books, wondering if there might be a way to phrase it that wouldn’t hurt her feelings, while putting aside the language books.
To a fool like me, those papers seemed like a roadmap.
Yet.
No matter how many times I read the gray research papers, there was no way written on how to speak without causing her pain.
Human emotions cannot be learned from research papers.
In the relationship between people, there are limits to what can be achieved through study, and I knew that yet clung to those books until winter came.
Like a fool.
And there she is, asking me with an innocent face.
“Ain, where should we walk?”
“…, How about we go to the alley after a long time?”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”
She laughs brightly and firmly grabs my hand, leading the way.
The girl named Asha walks in the direction of the alley I mentioned, as if she’s accustomed to it.
The alley isn’t far.
Even at a slow pace, it’ll only take about ten minutes to arrive, so I step into the familiar scenery without a moment to calm my racing heart.
What should I say?
How should I say it?
Those thoughts lingered in my mind, but I was still unable to decide until Asha turned around to look at me again.
“Ain.”
She calls out to me.
Even though her tone and actions have become more refined, emotions inadvertently slip out, subtly brushing against my hand.
“…, yeah.”
I can predict what she’s going to say and do next.
She slightly shivers her shoulders, as if she’s eager to exchange words, and her lips begin to raise.
Asha has always directed such consistent attention towards me.
However.
“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to.”
“What…?”
The words she utters, along with her expression and actions, are all different.
She gazes at me, full of things I never expected.
She probably doesn’t even know what I want to say, yet she recklessly tells me it’s okay.
“If it’s a worry caused by me, you can do as you wish.”
“…, how do you know what it is and can say it’s okay?”
Her hand, subtly gripping the hem of my clothes, reveals a kind smile that isn’t typical of her.
She then speaks the hesitant words I was mulling over.
“Travel.”
“…”
In saying that, she already knew.
“It’s okay to go, Ain.”
“…”
I don’t know when it started, but she’s smiling calmly now, all while already knowing.
Her lips raise gently, trembling slightly, and her grip on my clothing is firm.
Faintly, gray dust swirls around.
It was clear that she was agitated in this situation.
“Ain, I can wait.”
“…”
Despite that, her words come out clearly and properly.
I find myself at a loss for words.
I truly don’t know how to respond.
Instead, I just stare at her with a blank face.
And then, in that silence, her voice resumes.
“I thought about it every night. Even though I realized long ago that you were going to travel, I remained foolish and slow in my thoughts.”
Her inner feelings, which I had never heard before, begin pouring out and filling the alley.
“I wished that you wouldn’t leave me by going on a journey, and also thought that if you really had to go, I wished you would take me with you.”
She shares that she has also pondered the same worries I had, accompanied by a smile, though I can’t decipher the emotions behind it.
“But, Ain. Despite thinking for so long, the only answer I can give is one.”
Her current expression holds bitterness.
“I know well how people view gray, and I am that gray. You and Uncle accepted me, but there are very few people like that in this world.”
Her expression is full of sorrow now.
“If I prevent you from going on your journey, you will surely say it’s okay, but… is it truly okay?”
Her expression suddenly shifts to one I cannot understand.
“Then will I be a help on your journey? If I follow you like that, wouldn’t I just end up being a burden to you?”
It keeps changing with every word.
“Then I can’t be a good person. I have to remain a good person in your eyes. I don’t want to be a bad person to you, who is not just anyone else.”
Her expression warps several times.
“I thought every day while lying in bed at night. I thought for a long time, but if I act as I wish… I can’t remain the good person you described.”
She seems to hold back something, biting her lip as she looks up at me.
“So. I don’t want to be the bad person who makes you give up on your dream. I don’t want to be someone who burdens you. I want to be a good person, Ain.”
“…”
“I’m okay. I can wait.”
Gray snow piles up on the ground of the alley.
The ashes swirl like her emotions and mix into the snow, scattering lightly.
And in that scenery, she wears a mature smile.
Gray.
“I’m okay.”
Dull gray eyes.
“Ain.”
It twirls in the alley for a long time.