Hope born of solitus

14th August, Friday

Yesterday sure was colourful. In the end she made it back and wrote to her hearts content in the diary. This was the first time a weird remark was written in the diary...

At the bottom right corner, it said 'Tia, I was here!'. No doubt, Saa-chan must have carried her home and watched as she wrote. She's not still here, is she? It would be strange if she stayed overnight, even if it was out of concern... Flipping over the the remaining pages, I closed the diary and headed to the closet.

Considering that 'I' write something everyday, isn't the number of things to memorise and time spent reading only going to increase? Speaking of which... Where did it all start? This was the first year of high school, I don't see any entries from before the year started... And the entries from before...

Why do they change only now? Why has it only changed with ME...? The condition... Sariel has found out about the existence my curse, so only starting from this instance of 'me', Lastia will question her circumstance more. Or perhaps only this instance of 'me'... Only I am 'a weird Lastia' . It's likely that Arin has also noticed, just gleaning from the previous entries, with all the information I have from this year's interactions...

It's clear, they both know. It's because there are 2 individuals who know about my curse that I'm now questioning or judging it even more deeply, before then, the previous 'Lastia's all seem to gloss over it and go about their lives, hoping a fateful encounter with a Trace would carry the answer to them on a silver platter.

It makes sense to go with this hypothesis; the curse mainly works on erasing my memory at the end of the day, during a fixed timing. The impact it has mainly relied on the fact that everything I've experienced vanishes. It is partially mitigated by my perfect photographic memory, but in the end it must have been successful in severing any meaning or possibility I could gain in achieving a close connection. I cannot form a proper relationship with others, in my diary practically everyone else is faceless other than Arin and Sariel.

To sum it up, the aim of the curse is the cut off my connections to others. To have 2 individuals still form a close friendship with me otherwise... It weakened the curse and its inherent ability to block certain cognitive paths. In other words, the curse was deliberately guiding me in a fashion similar to hypnosis, to stray away from anything that might constitute its origin and purpose, to completely prevent any chance of removing the curse. This was its method of perpetuation, I {Forget} any desire to remove the curse, even if the diary reminds me that the curse exists.

... I wonder if I have dreams. An end goal in sight, no... There's no such thing. What could I have had if not for this curse? I don't know... I'm practically newly born, I have no experience. I can't begin to imagine. Nothing, void, that's all that comes to mind.

I wonder if I dream.

By the time I have a dream, I would be fast asleep, past the point of writing into my diary or remembering anything. Will the memory erasure affect me if I was in the middle of a dream? Will the dream get erased? With these circumstances the only feasible to dream, is to do so in the morning after the memory erasure.

There was one entry from this month. It was about a dream, an old castle layed with pale grey stone and blood reddish black bricks. A conversation between 2 people with no distinction for whose voice were whose. It might have been because they sounded similar, both were women. At the same time... It was likely simply because it was a dream. A nonsensical chaos of switching perspectives.

I feel like I'm inching closer to the truth, my thoughts strangely felt unbearably heavy. Yet there was a sense of liberation from being on the right path. There was no veracity to these thoughts, I simply felt like they were true. Right, I shouldn't stay here for too long. I'll be late for school, I'll just tell them that I overslept.

The stares hurt... I hurriedly closed the door behind me and approached my seat, walking in an awkward configuration as I cut across random tables to find my own. I bumped into a few of them too... Which was the worst part. When I sat down, I let out a deep sigh from the stress wracking my brain. Lunch soon came, I took Arin and Sariel, and led them to the roof top.

There were some damages, cracks from a previous battle. Sariel grimaced for a moment as we walked past the entrance, before swiftly smoothing out her face. I wonder if Arin caught that, but I definitely did. The battle between a previous Lastia and Sariel, it was only yesterday.

Bringing their attention to me, I gripped a part of the cracked wall and snapped. A crunch escapes as the rubble disintegrate in my palm, crushed to sand by my fingers. At the same time, my school uniform transforms into a one piece blackish purple dress.

"I'm sure you understand my circumstances now, the both of you. I need your help." (Lastia)

"Fufu, I'd never thought you would be the one initiating." (Arin)

She brings her fingers up to her lips, almost stifling a smile. This was the biggest confession. It might have been a stretched, but if she could understand and perceive my curse whereas the medical professionals couldn't, it would be a subtle clue to her awareness of magic. It was an ambiguous gamble, one that Arin happened to be ensnared by in the moment.

"... Hmph, as your mentor I have no choice." (Sariel)

She spoke with a firm voice, her thoughts dye her expression splendidly, blooming like an elegant flower bud. She was the most reassuring existence, a presence that was closest since Lastia discovered about magical girls... Speaking of which, only those who were aware of magic could perceive Traces and magical phenomena, my memory is wiped each time yet I could still use magic and see Traces just fine...

It might have been my diary that mitigated the cognition block, nonetheless it was still interesting that mere writing could instantly bring someone over to the world of magic.