Hope born of solitus

*

I woke up with a coat of sweat clinging to my skin, my head felt heavy as if it had been pounded by a large frying pan. My body layed face up on an unfamiliar bed, sluggishly staring at the ceiling as I consolidated my thoughts. I still remember whta happened earlier, I don't know how much time had passed but I managed to wake up before the day ended. I'm... I'm still alive...

"Kghh...! Urgh...! Mhmm!" (Lastia)

I lost. I'm weak. I inevitably lost to the pressure of my own tears as such despairing thoughts plagued my mind. It's a waste of time, it's irrational. But I can't help it... Why? Why did I have to lose? Why couldn't I convince her? Why did I have to get hurt...?

"Ughh!! Uhhh~!" (Lastia)

Perhaps due to the flood of emotions, my body became less numb and I brought my palm up to wipe my tears. My heart beat rapidly as if to compensate for the lost time, my cheeks and ears flushed uncontrollably. I hadn't noticed her, but she seemed to have accompanied me. Before I noticed, a person had hugged me tightly, not letting go until I calmed down and my chest stopped convulsing.

"Sa...riel..." (Lastia)

"... I'm sorry Tia, I should have held back... I'm so sorry, I didn't restrain myself..." (Sariel)

"Why... Why did I have to lose...?" (Lastia)

I didn't care about the time anymore. I almost forgot. Maybe it would be better if I simply forgot about it tomorrow. Maybe not, I don't know. What should I do...? Faced with my own indecision and confusion, I was about to have another episode when she hugged me tighter.

"I'm here... I'm here.... There's no need to worry, I'll protect you okay? It's fine to let go... It's fine to stop holding everything in your heart... It's fine to not decide on anything at all and to continue watching from a safe distance.

After all you said it yourself. It's most important to cherish yourself first, is it not?" (Sariel)

Unfair... It's unfair when you use it against me... I feel like the remains of a shipwreck, broken, fragmented. My thoughts are no longer lucid, I couldn't put my feelings into words. I loathe myself for being this weak and relying on Sariel this much... Why do I loathe my weakness so?

What's the meaning of this incomplete existence? I... I cannot let this experience be forgotten. Right... Sariel is here. I should rely on her. This sort of learning and reflection... It cannot be passed on to the next Lastia, due to our very nature. Being stuck with the same disposition forever, I can't say it's tiring because I can't exactly go through such a thing. I can only say that 'it is regrettable'.

"Sariel... I have something to tell you." (Lastia)

I caught my breath, anticipation stirring my chest and drowning my lungs. It felt like the air was low on oxygen, making my throat and heart squeeze and struggle. I have to do it, I need to tell her.

" What is it...?" (Sariel)

"I have a curse, likely of magic origin. Every night, I lose all of my memories, returning into a blank slate." (Lastia)

"Then... How do you remember us? How do you do your test? How did you know... What happened on previous days?!" (Sariel)

Her pitch was getting higher and her tone faster. Right, anyone would react like that. People would either dismiss it as fantasy, or feel sheer despair.

" I write everything that is important to me on my diary... Only you and Arin are in there. As for tests...

I have photographic memory, I used it to memorise the full contents of textbooks and most important of all... The contents of my diary. " (Lastia)

" Wh... Why are you telling me this now? You've been hiding it for so long... You're not gonna die on me, are you? " (Sariel)

"... For an existence that only exists for one day, is the passing of midnight any different from dying?" (Lastia)

She seemed to have understood immediately, her expression shifting to apprehension. This was the last thing I could do. I'm not sure how much time I've lost, or if there would be any chance I could get to my diary in time and pen my thoughts in a composed manner. So my last ditch effort for the worse case scenario, I'll let the person in question remember it. The person that is most related, most concerned with this precious experience. Even if I forget, as long as she remembered, meaning will not be lost.

"Is it... Is it truly inevitable? What if... What if you stayed awake the whole time?" (Sariel)

Her eyes were upturned and moist, a sliver of vain hope still lay within them. Perhaps, she already knew the answer and was only trying to comfort herself. Even though it only affected me, she was concerned to this degree. I am truly gifted with a great friend.

"Saa-chan. I wouldn't want to be put into that hell, nor do I want to burden other people with the duty of keeping me awake... In the end, all that matters is that I lose consciousness for a split moment at midnight, and that would be sufficient to lose my memories. " (Lastia)

It is a curse, it will fulfill itself even when resisted. Rather, it is so deeply embedded inside my being that it is part of me. The only cure then would be death.

" Then if we can't save you... Do you... Have any last wishes...? " (Sariel)

" Other than bringing me back to my home, please... Take care of the next Lastia for me. No matter how she looks, she's always lonely... As for me, I had you guys, so I felt alright. " (Lastia)

I appreciate her consideration. I tried to think back on how it felt to first wake up in this world. At least I felt safe in my own room. If I couldn't reach my room in time today, then I would at least like for Sariel to be there to comfort the next Lastia. While safe, it also felt isolating. Looking at the world for the first time, during that short moment my room was the entire world to me. It was all sorts of confusing and terrifying, an instinctual fear of abandonment. If I were to sum it up... Right, nothing can beat 'loneliness'.