Delusive Fate

#089

He stretched out the end of his words in a very small voice. So that Lee Han-sol would pity him. So that he would focus all his attention on him…

***

Ki Baek-woo decided to become a small insect. He decided to appear like a pathetic parasite that couldn’t possibly survive without a host. I should become someone weak and incompetent who can’t do anything.

If I’m not around, Ki Baek-woo will die. So even if I don’t like it, I have no choice but to take responsibility.

So that Lee Han-sol could think that way. So that he could never abandon him, even if swept up by conscience…

Ki Baek-woo didn’t want to be abandoned. He had to cling to Lee Han-sol’s ankles somehow. There seemed to be no other way. Ki Baek-woo wasn’t soft and gentle like Lee Han-sol. He wasn’t bright and cheerful. He wasn’t simple and transparent. He couldn’t make his surroundings brilliant with just a smiling face. He didn’t have the overwhelming charm that Lee Han-sol had, which captivated people and Ki Baek-woo.

All Ki Baek-woo could do right away was to cling to Lee Han-sol with his whole body to prevent him from flying away, or rather, to prevent him from even noticing he had wings. Ki Baek-woo often found himself disgusting for this.

“Hyung, you know…”

“Hm?”

“You know, I’m sorry…”

The reason Ki Baek-woo would suddenly apologize at unexpected moments was all because of this. When the feeling that he was Lee Han-sol’s only obstacle grew stronger, and when he felt tormented by not wanting to disappear at all despite that. For example, when they were fleeing after a gate suddenly opened where they were staying, and Ki Baek-woo thought Lee Han-sol seemed to be running the fastest among the fleeing crowd. When he saw Lee Han-sol quickly breaking down the tense atmosphere of wariness towards strangers in their new shelter and receiving various forms of help. When he saw Lee Han-sol smiling easily even when cursed at, beaten, hurt, or hungry… In moments when he strongly felt that Lee Han-sol was qualitatively different from himself, Ki Baek-woo inevitably fell into self-loathing.

If Lee Han-sol didn’t have Ki Baek-woo as a burden, he could have run alone and flown away, or he could have comfortably lived following a group of adults who adored him, or he wouldn’t have been treated badly for reckless behavior. He could have smiled more. Ki Baek-woo felt sorry towards Lee Han-sol, and then thought:

‘But I’ll still stay by his side.’

He felt disgusted with himself.

‘But I’ll still stay with hyung.’

So, hyung, don’t know anything and just take care of me. I’m weak and useless, so I won’t survive if left alone. There’s no one else I want to be with except you. I like you. If you leave, I’ll die… So let’s stay together until the end, just like you said. Let’s survive together…

After having such vile and selfish thoughts, Ki Baek-woo would apologize to Lee Han-sol. Not knowing what Ki Baek-woo was apologizing for, Lee Han-sol would open his arms wide every time. When Ki Baek-woo, trembling from his own selfishness, would crumple himself into that space, Lee Han-sol would hold him tight and pat him.

“Why does our Baek-woo have so many things to be sorry about? Where else could you find someone as kind and lovely as Ki Baek-woo?”

“I’m sorry, hyung…”

“What should we do with such a tender heart. I’ll have to chant a spell for you.”

It’s okay, it’s okay. Calm down, calm down…

Lee Han-sol, who thought Ki Baek-woo was like himself because he was kind and gentle, comforted Ki Baek-woo without a single doubt. Not knowing anything, he stroked Ki Baek-woo’s back, believing he was truly the kindest and loveliest person in the world. As time passed, Lee Han-sol was completely unaware that the reason for his increasing worry about Ki Baek-woo was the anxiety that had transferred from him, and just gave his whole heart to him.

Ki Baek-woo loved this Lee Han-sol so much. He liked him more and more to the point where he couldn’t handle it. He hoped Lee Han-sol would forever see him as a small herbivore. He didn’t mind being an insect. He thought it would be really nice if Lee Han-sol saw him as a helpless pupa, and himself as the cocoon responsible for him. As long as he could be by his side, whatever that might be…

That’s why Ki Baek-woo wasn’t happy at all when he awakened as a hunter. When he heard he was S-class, he felt the urge to hang himself.

“As expected of our Ki Baek-woo, the best of the best! It was worth raising you. S-class is so cool.”

Lee Han-sol’s words of praise in an excited voice seemed to sound like “Now that you’ve grown up, go off on your own.” From then on, another fear began to overwhelm him. As growing pains began and he gradually became bigger, as he aged and adulthood approached…

That’s why he confessed as if vomiting just before reaching adulthood.

There’s a scene vividly etched in Ki Baek-woo’s memory.

Until the first awakened appeared and the government began to function again, Ki Baek-woo and Lee Han-sol wandered the streets for a long time. During that time, various people passed by them. Park Jae-i was one of them.

Park Jae-i said she was a dance student attending a famous women’s university in Seoul. Her movements were light, making her excellent at both stealing and escaping. For a while, Lee Han-sol followed her around, calling her “master.” No one could refuse the affectionate attachment of a pretty little boy, and the three of them moved together for a while.

Ki Baek-woo really disliked Park Jae-i. He disliked how Lee Han-sol called her “Jae-i noona master” and acted friendly with her, and unlike the people they had met and parted with until now, he disliked how they stayed together for quite a long time. Later, it became close to hatred.

As the days of staying with Park Jae-i increased one by one, Ki Baek-woo had trouble sleeping. The sense of victimization that Lee Han-sol might be taken away was stirring in his solar plexus. Park Jae-i, showing off her abilities, seemed to be whispering in Lee Han-sol’s ear, “It’s better to throw away the useless Ki Baek-woo right away, who can only cling to your ankles.” His stomach kept hurting as if being poked, and he felt nauseous as if he might throw up at any moment.

Park Jae-i was kind. She taught them various common sense things, ways to fight, how to deceive others, in detail. Not just Lee Han-sol, but Ki Baek-woo learned a lot from her too. Among them were recipes for kimchi stew, kimchi fried rice, and seasoned bean sprouts. And one more thing…

‘You little ones. You two aren’t human, are you? You’re actually leeches. Always stuck together like that… Don’t you get tired of it?’

‘Not tired at all? Me and Baek-woo decided to stick together like this for life. Right, Baek-woo?’

‘Such little things already talking about a lifetime. You’ll be disgusted with each other when puberty hits, saying you’re sick of each other.’

‘Puberty? Noona, what’s puberty?’

‘Ah, how do I explain this. Hmm… Since you’re boys, roughly speaking, as you get older, you grow taller, develop muscles, your voice deepens… Something like that. It’s the process of becoming an adult.’

‘Hmm. But what does growing taller and becoming an adult have to do with me and Baek-woo? I’ll be with Baek-woo even when I’m a grandfather. That’s what we decided. Right, Baek-woo?’

‘Oh my, you smell of milk, you smell of milk. Kids, humans are meant to live separately as they get older. Even parents kick out their children to be independent when they’re grown up. That’s what humans are. A proper adult should live independently and coolly on their own. Do you understand?’

Watching the boastful Park Jae-i, Lee Han-sol nodded, saying, “Ah, so that’s how adults should be.” Ki Baek-woo, who had been quietly watching Lee Han-sol, felt his world shake at that moment.

No. He whispered reflexively. No, hyung. It’s not true. Don’t listen. The words flowed out barely audible like a metallic sound, then disappeared buried in his exhale. Ki Baek-woo staggered despite sitting still. Seeing this, Park Jae-i frowned as if surprised.

‘Oh, what’s this? Why is Ki Baek-woo’s complexion suddenly like this? Did you eat something bad? Ki Baek-woo, do you feel like throwing up? If there’s anything strange, tell noona.’

Ki Baek-woo sent a resentful gaze towards Park Jae-i, who was checking his temperature by touching his face. He felt like he was hearing a ringing in his ears. He wanted to scream.

It’s because of you.