Delusive Fate

#088

“Yes. Then I’ll protect you, hyung.”

“No, no. That won’t do. I’m the only one who protects you.”

“Why…?”

“Because the older brother is supposed to protect the younger one. And I’m much stronger than you. I have a color belt, you know.”

Lee Han-sol, who solemnly swore like a prince protecting a princess, said, “Baek-woo, I’ll protect you no matter what. Got it?” After staring at Ki Baek-woo with a face that remained clear despite playing outside for days, he continued:

“So…”

“Yes, hyung.”

“So, Baek-woo… don’t go anywhere. I’ll protect you, so let’s stay together…”

Will you do that? Let’s live together until we become adults. Let’s live together even after becoming adults. Don’t go anywhere, Baek-woo… We only have each other now….

It was a plea. A sincere request to save himself by staying together, to survive together. There was no way Ki Baek-woo would refuse this. He had been hoping for this since the days he rang the doorbell of apartment 505 every day. Ki Baek-woo became happy.

Now Han-sol hyung is mine. Because hyung said to stay together, he’s mine….

The environment of that time was harsh for a picky and sensitive seven-year-old to endure. The whole world was hazy and vague like a dust pit, but nevertheless, Ki Baek-woo felt joy. Thinking that he had exclusive rights to Lee Han-sol made him feel like the most special person in the world.

So it’s not all bad that those monsters appeared. Because finally, I can be alone with hyung.

As long as Lee Han-sol was by his side, Ki Baek-woo sensed that all the immediate problems would flow in a good direction. A bright smile spread across his face.

It was a time when he didn’t yet know that this certainty was a midsummer night’s dream.

So, when was that again? Ki Baek-woo thought of a day when he was nine years old, when snow had fallen and wet the roads, and the wet roads had frozen solid, causing people to walk with flailing arms and legs.

At that time, Ki Baek-woo was standing in the darkness. A building with a few broken windows barely covered with cardboard boxes. It was a place like the shadow of the city, where not a speck of light entered even when the sun was up. Ki Baek-woo stood quietly at the dim entrance of the building, looking at the world of light spread out just one step ahead.

Ki Baek-woo’s gaze crossed between the bright street of early afternoon and the people walking with their bodies hunched from the cold. His gaze reaches the opposite side of the street. A bright space where sunlight shines, unlike the darkness Ki Baek-woo was in. There, Lee Han-sol was smiling as brightly as spring.

One, two, three, four… and a hundred.

Ki Baek-woo counted silently. Again, one, two, three, four… a hundred.

‘One… two… three… four….’

Counting to a hundred and then counting again. He didn’t remember clearly how many times he repeated this. What was certain was that if you added it all up, it would result in an incredibly large number that Ki Baek-woo of that time couldn’t even read. And during all that time, Lee Han-sol never once looked across the street. He just kept smiling brightly at the unfamiliar man. As if he had forgotten about Ki Baek-woo waiting for him alone in the darkness across the street….

‘Why…?’

Ki Baek-woo thought gloomily.

Why, hyung? Why are you smiling like that? You said you’d come back quickly….

‘Why aren’t you coming straight to me? What are you doing over there?’

Ki Baek-woo recalled Lee Han-sol’s words before he went out. ‘Baek-woo, I’m going out for a bit. I’ll find something to eat right away and come back quickly, so don’t go anywhere and wait here. Got it? I’ll be back soon.’ Lee Han-sol said this while covering the crouched Ki Baek-woo’s knees with a worn blanket. Ki Baek-woo obediently answered. Okay, hyung. I’ll stay right here without moving and wait only for you. I’ll be good. So you have to come back quickly.

But why… are you making that face over there, hyung? Ki Baek-woo bit hard on the soft flesh inside his lip. I, Baek-woo, am waiting here only for you.

‘Besides, that man is the bad person who yelled at and cursed hyung yesterday….’

Ki Baek-woo recognized the middle-aged man in front of Lee Han-sol. An adult man who looked grumpy but whose eyes showed kindness towards Lee Han-sol. He was clearly the person who had caught Lee Han-sol secretly taking a spark of fire to withstand the bitter cold last night, shouting loudly and calling him a rat and a thief.

It was terrible to see that huge man shaking and pushing Lee Han-sol, who wasn’t even half his size, threatening him last night. The way he got angry, saying a tiny thing like that was glaring at an adult to the end, was monstrous. Ki Baek-woo thought in fear that there was no way that man could be human, that someone who treated Lee Han-sol so harshly couldn’t be human.

Fortunately, Lee Han-sol, who returned a little later, seemed unaffected. It was rather Ki Baek-woo, who had been hiding far away, who was too terrified to speak. Facing the pale Ki Baek-woo, the brave Lee Han-sol grinned and held out the empty can he had taken when he left. ‘Ta-da, I succeeded. It was really cold, wasn’t it, Baek-woo? I’ll quickly start a fire for you.’ Lee Han-sol from last night, his clear eyes shining as he proudly showed off the spark he had safely brought back in the can. Ki Baek-woo barely caught his breath as he saw the redness of Lee Han-sol’s frozen cheeks and round nose tip, visible even in the darkness. There was a lovableness there that instantly relaxed his mind. And he thought.

How could that man from earlier treat Han-sol hyung like that? It’s really creepy. I never want to encounter such a frightening person ever again. Han-sol hyung must feel the same way. He must be thinking that he only needs Baek-woo. Because there’s no time as safe, enjoyable, and happy as when we’re together, just the two of us.

‘But why….’

Ki Baek-woo felt nauseous, wanting to throw up something even though his stomach was empty. He felt a familiar feeling he hadn’t experienced for a while. The feeling he used to get when he excitedly rang the doorbell of apartment 505, only to hear Lee Han-sol’s troubled mother say, “Han-sol went out to play with his friends, what should we do…”. The anxiety that arose when he lingered in the apartment corridor for a long time to run into Lee Han-sol, but ended up only seeing his back. The helpless sensation that had dominated Ki Baek-woo back then, the feeling that he would forever be hungry for Lee Han-sol, began to rear its head again after a long time.

Why was Lee Han-sol attractive to everyone?

Lee Han-sol, who was affectionate yet honest, innocent yet principled, easily winning people’s favor. Lee Han-sol, who attracted people like a night light and didn’t particularly reject those who approached him. The genial Lee Han-sol who didn’t easily dislike anyone, and thus could quickly become friendly and show a smiling face even to the monstrous man from last night. Lee Han-sol, who was terribly fair to everyone….

I hate it.

Ki Baek-woo mouthed silently.

Hyung, please. I hate it.

The sensation of waking from a sweet dream was chilling. Ki Baek-woo wanted to run over right away, tug on Lee Han-sol’s clothes, and make him look at him. He wanted to tell him to look only at him. He wanted Lee Han-sol to clearly say that the thought of monopolizing him wasn’t Ki Baek-woo’s one-sided delusion, that there would be no more times like before when he was just one of many… that he would never leave him.

“Huh? Baek-woo, why are you standing there? You should be inside under the blanket, it’s cold!”

Ki Baek-woo was staring blankly at the boundary between darkness and light drawn on the ground when he looked up. Lee Han-sol was in front of him, having finished his conversation with the man at some point. He was smiling brightly, hugging a tattered bag they had found somewhere to his chest. Ki Baek-woo quietly gazed at Lee Han-sol’s forehead, nose, and ears glowing ivory in the sunlight. When he didn’t respond, Lee Han-sol tilted his head curiously.

“Baek-woo, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Ah, I thought I wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore…. Ki Baek-woo thought. Even though I miss Mom and Dad, I thought it would be good because I have Han-sol hyung. I thought hyung would only be with me from now on, but….

But it might not be exactly like that.

‘Then what should I do?’

Ki Baek-woo answered somewhat instinctively.

“No… nothing happened….”