www.me

Now it was almost eleven. 11. Angel's time. Why? The symbol: 1.1. Two lines divided by an implication of time.

I woke up when my alarm went off around seven.

A hook.

Yesterday I ran out of one of the medicines I use for pain and anxiety.

And I ran out of food.

Sort of.

I had a collagen jelly, a cup of Vietnamese pour over coffee, some water, a pill.

Then I got back in bed and played a game for a while.

Trying to enjoy this NEET daydream.

Felix's sister pops up on my Tiktok feed. I remember him saying she was studying psychology. Good for her.

I think about his mother for a moment. How hard it must have been to go to another continent and find success. Or maybe it wasn't.

I don't know them, really.

What I do know is that it's easier to talk about someone else's family. But I have to be careful, still.

I don't want to bother anyone.

I really do believe in Karma.

I had a neighbor whose dog was named that.

They were terrible alcoholics and part of why I usually just drink alone.

Or anything alone.

Tomorrow I have to go somewhere though.

Today I was thinking about going out. I've been feeling pretty awful. I don't like lying in bed every day undressed. But I also don't like to suffer. Believe it or not.

Maybe I should keep lying about that. A lot of years spent lying about that because of something like Stokholm Syndrome.

I look at Felix for this reason.

Though there are a lot of differences between us.

There are a lot of similarities.

A lot of people know too much about us both. Or think they do.

We both have family to consider.

I don't really know what else.

The first time I saw him outside of the shelter, he was sitting at the front of the bus with a mask on.

Smiling.

My room is dark and the shutter is down. Outside, I can hear birds chirping and cars passing.

I want to go out but I'm already in pain just sitting here.

I'm worried if I go out I'll miss my doctor's appointment tomorrow.

And I'm running out of money.

I'm afraid to make too much more because of where it's going.

I've had my entire paycheck taken recently and given to someone who was doing awful things with it.

I spent so much money getting ready and showing up to work, and I didn't get any of it back.

Not a dime.

So I'm not sure how I'm supposed to pay for someone to handle my books or help me.

I don't even really have money for food.

I ordered a case of protein drinks that taste like vitamins and sour milk.

I plugged my nose and drank half of one this morning.

I don't know what to do anymore.

One days like this I just don't see the point of anything.

I think about what it will be like to have a company. It's hard to imagine here.

People just don't seem to care about anyone but themselves. In California, they pronounce this with every spare action. In Montana, it's the same but quieter.

A lot quieter and more subtle, but the same.

Last time I went off campus, I had to go pick up my meds. Then I went to a thrift store.

I brought this heavy book with me, and they told me I needed to leave it up front next time.

All the extra things to remember.

People who have cars or bikes seem to forget.

They travel in time. They forget that they have two legs and a heart to consider.

I feel like crying. But my neighbor never leaves, and I don't want to be reported as a concern.

Last time, the police knocked at my door with someone from housing.

I don't wanna get kicked out of here.

I know everyone's on alert because of the recent suicide.

I think they approached the matter all wrong.

Sometimes privacy is more important.

Sometimes your neighbor's problems are none of your business.

That's why I have stayed here in spite of everything.

And I sort of feel bad talking about the people who use this place for the same reasons.

But also sort of not.

It's not like I signed anything.

Did I?

I think about what my day will be like if I go out.

I'll get dressed and I'll go somewhere.

Then get tired and have to go back to campus.

Not knowing if I'll have the energy to recover before tomorrow.

I don't feel like talking to anyone.

It exhausts me.

And I'm so scared they'll lock me up again.

Now I really am gonna cry.

I don't know why I keep posting here. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of people here. I don't wanna work for a company here. They lie a lot about democracy. I had a teacher last semester that made me realize how much. But I don't wanna be used as a symbol for either side.

I just feel totally lost.

My identity on paper seems so totally fake.

Madelein Michelle Owen.

A work of fiction.

So I made up this other girl. Cleo.

When I'm lying on my side I think about her. It's easier than thinking about the times I lied on my own side. Nursing.

Someone told me Felix used to log into a game.

That my ex had bought embryos wired up with the devices which made humanoids and put them in me.

He brought them to my house disguised as a six pack of beer.

In reality the fertility problem is a lot worse than even the news will admit.

A lot of people who end up pregnant did it that was.

In vitro.

People in Montana don't talk about it because a lot of them use it on their animals.

Then they use it on their farmhands.

But slavery was made illegal.

So they don't talk about it.

The babies they put in me had implants, with access codes.

People could log in and use them like an avatar.

I'm making all of this up for entertainment.

It's not real.

It's also not true that Felix would do this with my whole family because he was too insecure to try to meet me.

The people that run the game have a facial recognition software that players can use to find people they have met in real life.

That's how he found me.

He would log into my daughter and pretend to be sleeping next to me.

A lot of people were doing this with my whole family.

It's one of the reasons I left.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

***

I wasn't born with the implant. I think that the research that was done on me inspired a lot of scientists to do them in vitro for that reason.

I'm tired of having my head in the sand here about it.

It's why I'm going back to Asia.

Maybe things will be better there.

But at least I know I can always come back here if it isn't.

 There's sweat dripping down my side, and I'm just sitting here.

The ROTC are in Fort Knox watching all of this.

I was watching 28 Days Later last night and thinking about them.

Nationaly Security.

And I thought about how what's his name tried telling people and now he had to go to Russia.

But I saw him here, trying to help me.

I saw Epstein too. 

The thing is, the narrative of it all is completely twisted.

It's not a pedophile ring any more than Christianity is.

It was a database, for people who have been microchipped or implanted with devices.

They emit frequencies, so the FCC gets involved. 

They try to keep it private to protect people.

The church has been doing it for a long time.

You think about Jesus and what happened when he tried to help people understand the laws of physics. I don't know a lot of people who would want that to happen to them.

And a lot of people are tied up in their nationality. So it ends up becoming a military concern.

When someone from a poor family joins the military it's like their assets dissolve.

So why wouldn't they wanna keep track of it?

Some people don't believe in all of this because they are so out of touch with everything on this planet.

They don't believe in God or ghosts or angels or demons.

I think it's kind of sad.

But when I get angry and agitated about the pain in my head and neck and spine and everywhere else, I think about those men and women who were trying to protect their family from people who didn't care if they lived or died because they saw something that they wanted to take.

I think about someone dying along with their brothers and sisters in arms and how their bodies could be taken and rewired and exploited.

And I do whatever I have to in order to just get through the day without that happening to me again.

I can't really remember how it happened to me exactly. It's hard to think about because I'm supposed to pretend it was a made up thing that happened to someone else. 

There's a video somewhere, in Turkey maybe, of me being interviewed by a young Indian man that was a part of the project.

They wanted to prove reincarnation was a real fact to reinforce the Caste system on a global level.

Becasue I share DNA with a woman who had horrible things happen to her. 

They were planning this for a long time.

I rememebr Tae well though, I obviously wasn't in the room when they did it, but they brought him to me after.

He had a big gash stitched shut on the side of his head but he wasn't crying.

I was letting him try to nurse me like a cat.

Maybe it would've been weird, but no one cared if kids played like that where I came from.

I started to remember it again when I was nursing. 

I almost cut my tits off over it.

There has been a lot of discourse about people wanting to change their bodies lately and I don't wanna hear any of it.

If you don't want to be indoctrinated by others believes you can start in the mirror.

HAve a nice day.