Villain Hiring: Help! Author Wants Me Dead

"Wait, so we split points equally right now? Like…I kill something, you guys get points too?"

"Technically, yes," I nodded. "Just until we get enough information on what we're dealing with. Then, it's every heir for themselves."

A slow smile appeared across his face. "Alright. But I'm teleporting first if a Tier 3 beast shows up. Y'all can fight it together, I'll… cheer from a tree."

"Coward," Erza teased.

"Realist," he shot back.

I glanced over at Seraphina, who had been oddly quiet. "You good with the plan, right??"

The girl looked me dead in the eye. "I don't care about the points…or the hidden quest. But I'll go along with it. For now."

Knowing that this girl was pretty much always like this, I nodded.

Fair enough.

She was never too loud, never too quiet. Just there. Reliable, in her own silent way.

"What if I want the throne instead?" Erza said all of a sudden, making all our heads turn to her.

'Does this girl know anything other than the throne?' All the remaining 4 of us looked at each other strangely.

"Then maybe hope the throne's kept in the vault," I said flatly, trying to ease the atmosphere.

Everyone chuckled, but the tension remained. The kind that clings to your skin before a storm.

With the plan finally agreed upon, I clapped my hands together. "Alright. Formation: Erza up front, Aurelia mid, Sera and Dario back. I'll float around wherever needed."

We started moving.

Not like professionals, but more like a bunch of teenagers pretending to be professionals. But still, we weren't sloppy.

Our footing adjusted quickly as we slowly understood each other's patterns.

The forest was thick, with roots coiled like traps and leaves that slapped you in the face without warning.

Then something moved.

A low growl echoed from the shadows.

I held up my hand. "Quiet."

We crouched.

A beast stepped out from the bushes.

It looked like a giant wolf made of rusted metal, muscles thick under fur that shimmered like a worn-out armour.

Its eyes glowed orange.

An Unawakened Beast.

It hadn't sensed us yet.

I circulated the breathing method of my Slave Body Refinement Technique, making sure I was ready for action at a moments notice since I was still weirded out with how Gluttony took over my mind last time and made me go berserk.

A familiar energy ran through my arm, and I felt that familiar tug in my chest—the feeling of strength pumping in my scrawny muscles.

I stepped forward slowly.

The beast turned, too slow.

I struck first, palm to its side.

It yelped, and just as it stumbled, Erza finished it with a clean punch to the jaw. Its head twisted sharply.

It was dead.

[Unawakened Beast defeated: +10 points]

I checked the screen, realising that Erza got all of the points.

"Umm guys," I questioned. "How do you turn the distributing points system on again?"

Erza blinked, then burst out laughing so hard she had to clutch her sides. "Oh my god, you idiot—you didn't even turn on the team point-share setting?!"

"I… wait, how do we do it?" I looked around, feeling betrayed. "No one said we have to do it manually!"

"Ughhh!" Dario groaned, slapping his forehead so hard it echoed like a ringing bell. "System settings, Noah. Literally the second button on the quest screen. It says 'Enable Team Point Share' in all caps. It even glows!"

Aurelia narrowed her eyes at me like I'd just eaten dirt and declared it gourmet. "You've seriously been using the System for months, and you still don't know how to do basic stuff like this? You're like a grandpa trying to send a voice message, I swear to god."

"I don't trust menus, okay?" I crossed my arms, feeling attacked. "Every time I click something, five windows open, and last time I tried changing my stat display, it glitched and showed my Charm stat as ninety-nine for a week."

"Wait, your charm's ninety-nine?" Seraphina asked, her face twitching.

"…Is that sarcasm?"

"Yes."

"I figured."

Erza was still wheezing. "Noah, seriously. You're like… System-illiterate. This is basic. It's literally just a tick box!"

"Who made him the captain again?" Aurelia muttered like she was genuinely asking the universe. "Did the System glitch? Or did Grandpa Venus just pick the most hopeless one for funsies?"

"Probably both," Dario said. "Venus Grandpa has a weird sense of humour. Remember when he gifted me the teleportation technique but didn't give me a cooldown warning?"

"Oh yeah," Erza said. "You blinked straight into a kitchen stove."

"That was hot, ok?!"

Ignoring their nonsense, I stared at the system screen like it had personally offended me. "So I just… click here?"

"Yes," Seraphina sighed. "Here—just let me do it." She stepped forward and reached out, poking through my system screen like she was teaching a toddler how to use a spoon. "There. Enabled. Now we all get points when someone gets a kill."

"Oh." I blinked, watching the button change colour. "That's it? It doesn't ask for a confirmation or a blood pact?"

"No, Noah," Seraphina said. "Because it's a setting, not a cursed contract."

I sighed. "I miss the good old days. When you killed something and your only reward was that it didn't kill you."

"You mean like... half a year ago?" Dario asked, baffled.

"Exactly."

Erza clapped a hand on my shoulder, practically vibrating with fake sympathy. "Our fearless leader, ladies and gents. May not know how to read a screen, but damn can he punch a dog."

"It was a wolf," I muttered.

"Whatever. It's dead."

"Thanks to me," Erza added with a grin. "And thanks to your lack of setting awareness, I got all the points."

"Don't get used to it," I said, already stepping forward. "Now that the system's actually cooperating, it's payback time."

"I don't know, Captain," Dario smirked. "You sure you don't need a tutorial on how to walk next?"

"Ha-ha. Very funny. Keep talking, and you're fighting the next wolf alone." I said, my lips twitching.

Seraphina shook her head. "We're all going to die."

Aurelia added, "Because our commander doesn't know how buttons work."

Dario gave me a thumbs-up. "Hey, at least you look cool while being functionally incompetent. That's gotta count for something."

I muttered something under my breath that probably translated into "shut up" in fifty different dialects, but I was too busy scanning the trees now.

My pride had taken a hit, and I was gonna show them just what all I could do when triggered.

kekekek

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