The Hodgepodge Shinobi: A Gacha-Gone-Wrong Adventure

I was hiding.

Again.

This time not from my teammates, or a beast, or the consequences of summoning semi-sentient foliage. No—I was hiding from something worse:

Paperwork.

"Technically," Arata-sensei had said, handing me a scroll and a smirk, "since you got caught during stealth training, you're now qualified to deliver messages across the village. Congratulations. You're a courier."

He said it like it was a death sentence.

Which, in hindsight, maybe it was.

New Objective: Deliver this scroll to the Konoha Hospital.

Sub-objective: Don't anger anyone important.

You will fail this.

So here I was, creeping through the sunlit streets of Konoha, scroll clutched to my chest like it might explode. Civilians bustled around me, unaware that I was one hyperventilating mistake away from being dissected by ninja science goblins.

Also, the system was being weirdly quiet. Too quiet.

...processing...

Processing what, exactly? My funeral arrangements?

I turned a corner and—bam.

I smacked into something solid, unyielding, and surprisingly warm.

"Oh gods, I'm sorry!" I yelped, staggering back.

And then I saw her.

Tall. Blonde. Eyes like a hawk on a bad day. Wearing a green robe and scowl that could sterilize a field. Her arms were crossed. Her foot tapped. There was a distinct aura of I-will-destroy-you radiating off her like chakra steam.

"Oh," I said. "You're... tall."

She raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

Scan complete.

Identity: Tsunade Senju

Age: 26

Occupation: Medical-nin / Literal Demigod of Violence

Suggested Strategy: Run.

Your survival chance in a head-on confrontation: 4%. And that's being generous.

I did not run.

I kept talking.

Because I'm an idiot.

"I was just... uh... heading to the hospital," I said, thrusting the scroll forward like it was a holy relic. "Mission. Delivery. Courier. Please don't kill me."

She looked at the scroll.

Then back at me.

Then down at my hands, which were trembling slightly.

Her brow furrowed. "What squad are you with?"

"Team... um... Spoon?"

"What?"

"Sorry! That's just what I call it. It's not official."

A long pause.

Her eyes narrowed. "You're the weird chakra case they're talking about, aren't you? The one who screamed at a tree and summoned soup spoons during a training exam."

I blinked. "Wow. That story really got around, huh?"

"I heard the tree slapped you back."

"That part is exaggerated."

She stepped closer. "You're from the village, right?"

Technically? I didn't know where this body came from originally. So I gave the safest possible answer:

"Yes?"

She leaned down until we were eye to eye.

I was maybe five-foot-nothing. She was... not.

"And you don't recognize me?" she asked slowly.

My mind raced.

Was she famous? Was she the Hokage? No, that wasn't till later, right? Or... wait, this was a feudal ninja world. Maybe she was like a landlord?

I gambled.

"Are you the head nurse?"

There was a beat.

Just one.

Then the entire street tensed.

People started edging away. Even the ANBU guy pretending to be a fruit vendor ducked behind his stand.

Tsunade smiled.

It was the kind of smile you see right before a volcanic eruption.

"Head nurse?" she said sweetly. "Head. Nurse?"

"I mean—medical... empress? Lady of Healing?"

Her eyebrow twitched. A vein appeared in her forehead like an ominous little exclamation point.

"I have held back from punching a genin in public for two years," she said. "Two."

"I don't want to be part of this record."

Too late.

Her hand twitched, chakra crackling faintly around her knuckles.

"WAIT!" I shouted. "I have a condition! A rare bloodline! My bones are... uh... reverse-fragile!"

"Reverse-fragile?" she asked flatly.

"Yes. Like—if you hit me, they absorb the kinetic energy and explode outward. Collateral damage."

She looked me up and down.

Then turned and stomped away, muttering something about "Arata and his little chaos goblin."

New Status Effect: Mild Shame (Lasts 24 hours)

Mission: Completed (somehow)

Reputation with Tsunade: "Next time, I punch first."

I exhaled.

Alive.

In one piece.

I turned to walk away—and immediately ran into a wall.

Not a metaphorical wall.

An actual wall.

Of a very tall, pale-eyed man in a flak vest.

He looked down at me. Quiet. Cold. ANBU? Root?

Warning: Chakra scan detected.

Unknown operative evaluating you for...

He leaned in. Whispered:

"You're on a list now."

Then vanished.

I did not breathe for the next full minute.