Separation Anxiety

10.

#Wall in the Heart

Na-eun bowed her head first. The corners of Hayun’s lips curled up ever so slightly.

“Please take care of our Dawoon.”

He gave a light greeting and got into the car. He deliberately emphasized the word “our,” but it was unclear if she understood.

“Where should we go?” he asked Dawoon in the passenger seat.

“Did you think about what you want to eat?”

He was asking, but didn’t really expect an answer. Usually, when asked what he wanted to eat, Dawoon would always say anything was fine. He didn’t particularly enjoy eating. The butler would always worry, saying he barely ate enough to stave off hunger.

“Anything is fine.”

As expected, the exact answer he anticipated came back.

“Then I’ll decide?”

Dawoon nodded at Hayun’s words.

“Was that friend from earlier the Na-eun she mentioned this morning?”

Hayun asked in a calm tone as he turned the steering wheel.

“You should have introduced us properly.”

Dawoon hadn’t introduced her earlier. He didn’t even greet her properly before getting in the car. Hayun could already guess that was the extent of their relationship.

“Why bother with introductions? It’s not like she’ll see you often.”

A smile played on Hayun’s lips at the indifferent tone.

“But you two seemed close? You came down arm in arm.”

“That’s…”

Dawoon started to say something but stopped, just frowning instead.

“Don’t tell me you two are dating?”

Even as he asked, Hayun thought the possibility was low. Although he had been too busy to pay attention lately, Dawoon had quite a high wall against others. He was endlessly weak to those he let in, but it wasn’t easy to cross that wall.

Perhaps it was natural. The second son of Haedo Group. Many people approached Dawoon just for that title. These people didn’t approach Dawoon for who he was. They disguised themselves as friends, but their intentions were dark. Even children were no different. Just because he was the third generation of Haedo Group, children expected Dawoon to buy everything for them and tried to use him. Not all children were innocent. In fact, Dawoon was the innocent one. After repeating the same hurt a few times, he naturally developed boundaries in dealing with others.

Lee Ui-hyeon, who had been friends with Dawoon for a long time, was somewhat of an exception. He had no ulterior motives towards Dawoon and wasn’t particularly swayed by the Haedo Group name. Ui-hyeon was the only one Dawoon could open up to as a “friend.”

Other than that, whether it was because Dawoon had started putting up walls, or because people found it difficult to approach him due to the Haedo Group name attached to him after he reached an age of maturity, he had no close friends.

Kim Na-eun was the first person in years, at least as far as Hayun could remember since their parents passed away, who was trying to get close to Dawoon besides Ui-hyeon. So he couldn’t help but be concerned.

“We’re not dating.”

Dawoon spat out just one sentence and turned his head towards the window. It meant he didn’t want to talk about her anymore, but Hayun pretended not to notice and continued.

“You two seemed close?”

“Not really.”

“You walk arm in arm with someone you’re not close to?”

When he mentioned the arm-in-arm again, Dawoon turned his head sharply to look at Hayun. They happened to be stopped at a signal, so Hayun was looking at Dawoon too. As their eyes met, Dawoon, who had been staring with his lips pressed together, exhaled deeply through his nose.

“That’s just her personality. She’s not like that only with me.”

Dawoon’s fine features contorted slightly. He seemed displeased from the start about why he was making such excuses.

I should stop here. From his reaction, it really doesn’t seem like anything.

Hayun smiled gently and nodded, saying he understood.

“I did receive a confession. At the beginning of the semester.”

Dawoon added, sitting up straight and looking ahead, seemingly reassured by Hayun’s smile. Hayun’s hands gripped the steering wheel a bit tighter. However, he still wore a smiling face.

“Did you reject her? Why? She seemed like she’d be popular, being pretty.”

Even to this question thrown to probe, Dawoon’s reaction was indifferent.

“Just because others like her doesn’t mean I have to like her too.”

It was close to the answer Hayun wanted. Thanks to that, his nerves that were about to stand on edge relaxed again.

“Then what’s your type?”

He continued the conversation naturally. Dawoon remained silent for a while, his gaze fixed outside the window as if pondering.

“I’m not sure. I’ve never thought about it. I guess if I end up liking someone, that would be my type.”

It was a vague answer, but it also meant that Dawoon wasn’t interested in romance. Most boys his age would likely want to date, but Dawoon was certainly a late bloomer.

“If you do start dating someone, make sure to report to me.”

He said in a half-joking tone. Dawoon frowned again at those words.

“I told you I’ve never thought about it.”

He seemed uncomfortable with this topic itself, even though Hayun wasn’t forcing him to date.

“I mean in the future. I’m not saying right now.”

Even at this qualifying statement, Dawoon didn’t respond. Instead, his expression clouded.

“Why that expression?”

Hayun asked, thinking Dawoon seemed to be worrying about something. But Dawoon didn’t answer right away. Hayun didn’t press him either. Seeing that he seemed lost in thought, he just waited silently. He believed Dawoon would speak when he had sorted out his thoughts to some extent.

As the car left Seoul and signs indicating they were entering Gyeonggi Province came into view, Dawoon called out “Hyung” first.

“Don’t you ever have those thoughts?”

He asked about “those thoughts,” but Hayun couldn’t understand what he meant.

“The thought that liking someone is scary.”

Hayun glanced at Dawoon’s profile, surprised by the unexpected topic. He was still resting his forehead against the window, his gaze fixed far away.

“Why do you think it’s scary?”

He asked in a gentle voice, but silence fell again. It was clearly a heavy topic for Dawoon.

“How much do you have to like someone to want to die with them?”

The conversation didn’t seem to be continuing, but Hayun understood immediately. What had put the brakes on Dawoon’s heart was their parents’ death. Dawoon still felt guilty, believing his mother had died with his father because of him. That guilt was visibly weighing heavily on Dawoon’s heart.

“I think it could happen if you truly loved someone very much.”

When he answered honestly, Dawoon turned to look at him with a surprised face. Dawoon’s eyes widened and wavered, though Hayun couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Fear was clearly visible, making even Hayun flustered.

“You too… hyung?”

Even Dawoon’s voice was trembling. Feeling this wouldn’t do, Hayun pulled over to the side of the road and turned to face him. He looked like he might cry at any moment.

“Dawoon.”

“Could you also die with someone if you fall in love?”

With this follow-up question, Hayun finally understood what Dawoon was afraid of. He seemed to have imagined that Hayun might suddenly disappear from his life one day, just like they had lost their parents.

“I don’t have such a person.”

“But you could in the future.”

Hayun sighed deeply and reached out to put his arm around Dawoon’s shoulders, pulling him close. Dawoon’s body tilted sideways, leaning against Hayun. He gently patted Dawoon’s back.

“You and Haram are everything to me. As long as I have you two, that will never happen.”

“Then why did you say it could happen?”

The casual remark seemed to have triggered his trauma.

“I meant it’s not impossible, not that I would do it.”

He decided to comfort Dawoon for now. He thought Dawoon might have a panic attack if left like this.

For half a year after their parents passed away, Dawoon would sometimes wake up screaming in the middle of the night. Although he seemed to live normally during the day, the emotions he had suppressed would burst out once in a while in the dead of night. When he woke up like that, he would cry without even recognizing who was there. Only after Hayun rushed to hold him, telling him it was okay, that he was by his side, would Dawoon finally calm down after a long while.

As he entered high school, these incidents became less frequent, and Hayun thought he had gotten better. However, Dawoon’s condition would still become unstable as their parents’ death anniversary approached.

Now, bringing up their parents was the problem. Although it wasn’t Hayun’s intention, by pressing about Kim Na-eun, he had touched on the fundamental aspect of Dawoon’s concept of “love.”

“I promised, didn’t I? That I’ll always be by your side.”

At those words, Dawoon reached out and tightly grasped Hayun’s collar. His slightly trembling fingers seemed to stabilize as time passed, the trembling stopping.

“I’m sorry.”

Dawoon pushed Hayun away and sat up straight. As if aware that he had unnecessarily become emotional, he ran a hand over his face. Then he smiled faintly at Hayun as if to say not to worry. Although it was clear he was trying hard, which was heartbreaking, Hayun concluded by showing a smiling face in return instead of saying anything else.

“By the way, where are we?”

Dawoon asked, seemingly trying to change the subject. It appeared he hadn’t been interested in where they were going until now, lost in other thoughts.

“On the way to Gapyeong.”

At the mention of Gapyeong, Dawoon’s eyes widened. Hayun chuckled at his cute surprised face.

“I wanted to get some fresh air too. I looked it up and found a restaurant overlooking the North Han River. Let’s go there and eat something delicious.”

A smile spread across Dawoon’s face as he silently watched Hayun answer.

“Why are you smiling?”

“It’s just funny to think of the Haedo Group heir searching for good restaurants.”

“How silly.”

He reached out and ruffled Dawoon’s hair.

Searching for good restaurants was no big deal. As long as Jeong Dawoon smiled, that was enough.