Scented Claudia

I couldn't work.

I tried.

God, I tried.

But i just kept pacing in circles in my office, my heels clicking on the polished floor in an endless loop that made Vanessa eventually knock and peek in with worried eyes.

"Ma'am?"

I jumped. "What?"

"You… uh… you've been walking around for like twenty minutes."

I forced a smile. "I'm thinking."

She didn't look convinced, but she closed the door gently behind her.

I sank into the chair behind my desk and dropped my head into my hands.

The leather felt cool under my palms.

I couldn't get the letter out of my head.

University of Oxford. Two years.

A chance people would kill for.

A chance he earned.

And he'd give it up for me.

I squeezed my eyes shut, swallowing against the lump in my throat.

If he stayed, he'd resent it someday.

He'd never admit it.

He'd love me so hard it would burn through both of us, but some part of him would always wonder.

What if?

What if he'd gone?

What if he'd learned something that could have saved someone's life?

I shivered.

He was that kind of doctor.

The kind you couldn't cage.

He saved people. That was who he was.

If he learned more, he could save more.

I wiped my eyes angrily, smearing whatever mascara i had left.

I thought about our late-night talks when we first got together.

When he'd tell me about surgeries he'd done. When he'd plan to open more clinics.

When he dreamed about bringing world-class care back home.

He wasn't the kind of man meant for small, safe dreams.

And he'd never leave if i was here.

He'd never go.

Because he loved me.

The thought made me want to scream.

I pushed my chair back so violently it rolled and hit the bookshelf behind me.

I stood.

Paced.

Pressed my fingers to my eyes until I saw stars.

I couldn't ask him to choose.

I couldn't be the reason he stayed.

Not when staying meant so many patients wouldn't get the doctor he could become.

-

That night i barely spoke.

He didn't notice much.

He was so tired.

He came home late, smelling faintly of antiseptic and exhaustion, immediately shrugging out of his coat and dropping onto the couch.

I sat beside him, letting him rest his head on my shoulder.

He mumbled something soft, words slurred with sleep.

"I love you."

I bit my lip so hard i tasted blood.

"I love you too," I whispered back.

But it felt like a lie.

Not because it wasn't true.

Because it was the truest thing i'd ever said, and that was why i had to go.

He went to bed before me.

I pretended i was cleaning up.

In truth i just stood in the living room, clutching the edge of the table, fighting for air.

My chest felt like it was caving in.

I finally turned the lights off and went to our bedroom.

He was already asleep.

One arm thrown over the pillow where i should have been.

His hair messy, his face slack with exhaustion, mouth open slightly.

He snored a little when he was this tired.

I stood there, watching him in the dark.

My heart breaking in slow motion.

I didn't know how long i stood there.

Long enough that my legs ached.

I pressed a fist to my mouth to muffle the sob that tore out of me.

I didn't want to wake him.

I couldn't look away from him.

He was beautiful even like this.

Especially like this.

So vulnerable.

So mine.

But he wasn't supposed to be mine if it meant he stayed small.

He was meant to be everyone's.

To save lives.

To learn.

To grow.

He couldn't do that chained to me.

Even if he'd insist it wasn't a chain.

He'd insist it was love.

And it was.

But sometimes love wasn't enough.

Sometimes love meant leaving.

I backed out of the room on shaking legs.

I closed the door gently behind me so it wouldn't creak.

Then i fell to my knees in the hallway and sobbed silently into my hands.

I didn't have the luxury of breaking down.

I had to do it.

I had to leave.

I wiped my face, took a deep breath that felt like it was made of knives, and stood.

I went to our closet.

Opened the sliding door carefully so it wouldn't make noise.

My fingers shook as i reached for my suitcase.

I pulled it out, heart pounding so hard i felt it in my temples.

I grabbed clothes.

Not many. Enough.

I didn't want him to hear the zipper, so i carried the suitcase to the living room and packed it there.

I tried to be neat.

Tried to be quiet.

Every rustle felt like a scream.

I left behind the dress he loved.

The one he said made me look like his wife.

I couldn't even look at it.

-

When the suitcase was done, I went to my desk.

I opened the drawer where i'd hidden the papers.

The ones i'd prepared before, in my worst moments.

Divorce papers.

My hand trembled so badly i could barely sign.

But i did.

Tears dripped onto the paper, smudging the ink.

I didn't wipe them.

I folded it slowly.

Deliberately.

I set it on the center of the dining table where i knew he'd see it first thing.

I didn't leave a note.

What was there to say?

How could i explain this in words?

"I love you too much to let you stay."

It sounded like bullshit even in my head.

But it was true.

I grabbed my phone and texted my parents.

Please don't tell Raphael where I'm going. Please.

My mom tried to call.

I rejected it immediately.

She sent a flood of messages.

But i didn't look.

I rolled the suitcase to the door.

Paused.

Looked back one last time.

It was our home.

Our life.

The couch with our indentations still in the cushions.

The pictures on the wall, his hand on my waist, me leaning into him, both of us laughing.

I pressed a hand to my mouth, biting back the scream in my throat.

Then i turned the knob and walked out.

Outside, the world was silent.

The city was asleep.

It felt wrong.

It felt like i was dying.

I walked to the elevator.

Pressed the button.

It opened with a chime.

I stepped in.

The doors closed on my life.

I rode down, heart in my throat, trying not to collapse onto the floor.

I was shaking so hard i could barely grip the handle of the suitcase.

When the doors opened, I forced myself to step out.

Into the lobby.

Out onto the street.

Into the waiting taxi.

I gave the driver the airport.

He didn't ask questions.

I watched the city blur past, lights smearing in my vision.

I couldn't smell anything.

Of course.

I hadn't smelled anything in years.

But tonight it felt like i couldn't breathe either.

-

At the airport, I waited in a daze.

I had my ticket.

To China.

A supplier friend had offered to let me stay with them.

Business.

Work.

A new life.

One where i wouldn't hold him back.

-

When i finally boarded, I sat by the window and watched the ground crew load bags.

Mine was down there somewhere.

It felt symbolic.

My life, packed in a box, out of my control.

When the plane lifted off, I cried silently.

I cried so hard the flight attendant asked if i was okay.

I said i was fine.

I lied.

I thought of him the whole flight.

His laugh.

His scowl when he was worried.

The way he looked at me like i was the only thing in the world.

I pressed my forehead to the window, eyes swollen, chest aching.

Goodbye.

I mouthed it.

No sound came out.

But i hoped somehow he'd hear it anyway.

Because i meant it with everything in me.

Goodbye.

My love.

My life.

I didn't sleep the whole flight.

I didn't want to dream of him.

Because i knew i'd never wake up if i did.