Re:of life

Trembling—m-my hands, they're trembling. Why? Shaking, cold, yet… warm? Numb, maybe. My breath—too fast, scraping against my throat. Please—slow down—slo-w down! It-it hurts… so much. My jaw—it feels like it's about to shatter. Teeth grinding, pressing, cutting into each other—the ache is unbearable.

Thoughts—racing, spiraling, crashing into nothing. My eyes—God, they burn! Why? Why do they hurt? Staring—am I staring? At what? It's all so blurry—everything's blurry. My head—it's going to split open, isn't it? Pupils shrinking, shaking—yes, shaking. I can feel it—feel everything. My eyes—they're falling out, aren't they?

What's happening? Why can't I think straight? Why am I just standing here? What… what happened? I died—didn't I? I did—I think? Stabbed—my stomach, yes, the knife. A cold blade—no, warm, burning, sinking into me. But it didn't feel real, didn't feel like anything. Just… pain. P-Pain!

And now—the cold. Clawing through my stomach, tearing at me, ripping through my insides. Like it's dragging me back, forcing me to relive it all over again. But… I can't feel my stomach anymore. Can't feel anything. It's gone. Or… is it still there? What's happening—what's happening?!

Am I here? How—where am I? Please—Please!... Please!!! Take… Take… Take m-me… a—a-a way! Please… I don't want to.

Wait… Why? My lungs, tightening like someone is griping it from within me, like someone, trying to save me from drowning… Downing in what? Water? An abyss of pain? What…?

Save me?! Please! From what? From my fate? The fate that's bound to me? A fate no one can change? The kind of fate that only leads to pain?

Stop! Don't! It hurts! No more—please! My lungs?! It's like a bullet tearing through them… My blood!? It's boiling, I am freezing… Can I even feel it? 

Am I falling? Am I standing? Am I alive—Dead—Asleep—Survived?! What the hell!?

Please!? Please!? Please!?

Why! Why! Liquid-liquid dripping down my chin… My stif—stif chin. Am I crying? Why!? Why am I crying, stop—stop…

My hand—shaking, trembling with fear. Instinctively, my hands move. A movement I didn't do. A movement my body just… did.

Reaching for my stomach. My breath hitches, sharp and frantic. My lungs—exploding with a burst of power, air swirling, crashing in a storm that I can't control. My stiff skin—God, it's not making this any better.

Reacting, my eyes dart to my stomach—to my injury, where I-I got st—stabbed. My wound? Where… where is it? Where did it go? What happened?

Slow down! Slow down! Please! Please! Slow—slow down! My Please you're breathing too fast, take it slow, breathe in… and out, in and out… No—no, no, not working! It hurts… My jaw, my cheek… It hurts! Stop! Slow down!

"...!"

What…

My heart—breath—shaking hands… even the heat rushing inside me—it all just… disappeared, in the same second I had been panicking.

Time froze. The breeze of the chilling air stroked my neck—my hands—my stomach, seeping through the small stab mark in my suit.

My mind, empty—my thoughts far away, and the feeling of regret lingering somewhere I couldn't quite reach… I'm at peace, somehow.

The chilling air, the sound of leaves rustling above, the touch of standing on soft grass… It feels good. It feels amazing. The pain that had consumed me just a second ago is far away, at a place that feels unreachable.

The sounds and touch… I am outside. In a forest. That's the only reasonable answer.

I'm too blurred out to see, but my senses tell me… that has to be it.

I think I could stand here forever. And it feels like I already have. I don't have a memory in my head to tell me I haven't—or maybe I do, but I can't find it. I think I had one just a moment ago, but that moment is long gone.

It feels like déjà vu, but at the same time, I can't see how I've been here before… or experienced this.

How—no… when did I get here? Out—out in a forest, a sunlit forest, the breeze carrying the chill of a late month. Birds singing… in these months? I can't hear a single sound of a human being—just animals, bushes, and trees rustling.

Am I in the middle of a forest? No… if this is the same place as before, there should be a kingdom nearby. Right in front of me, if I remember correctly… right? Maybe not. Maybe I'm not in the same place. Maybe… maybe I'm somewhere foreign, somewhere I've never set foot before.

If that's so, what do I do? But… why would I care? I haven't lost anything, right? I just need to find my way back to the place… what place?

Oh, yeah. The kingdom. What's the name again? Luminara? Yeah, that's it. But… why do I need to go back there? For my own desires? Or for someone else's? Probably for someone else's. But who?

What's this? Water slipping down my chin? Yeah… why? Is that a sign of weakness? A scream the body makes from within? Suffering… or maybe loss? Whatever it is, why is it happening?

Did I do something? Something bad? What now… my skin—mouth—cheek, tensing? What's that sound? Breathing? Who? Heavy breathing—me? Hitches? Small, broken hitches? Is it me? Is this—my doing? Who else… no one else is here, just me.

Why? Why am I—am I? Am I crying? Why? Did I trigger it? How? My skin—stiff, too stiff, like it hurts. My skin feels like it's tearing… but it feels good. Feeling anything at all just feels… good.

"Uhhhh… Uhhhh… Uhhhh… Auhhhh—uh." I'm breathing… Am I doing it right? Am I? Am I? Am I? Am I?

"—!"

It doesn't feel right… Yeah, I need to breathe in as well, breathe in harmony with my lungs… Damn, why is my chest tightening? Why is my breath so heavy? Why is my heart racing? Why are my muscles tensing up? Why is my blood boiling… Does it hurt?…

"—huh."

Don't… Stop… No… Don't take the step… Why? Why is my leg moving… when I'm not commanding it to? Stop, it feels wrong… It feels bad… It feels off. Please, don't take the step… Something… Something—I can feel something will happen, something within me… Something is off, but what? My throat is boiling hot, it tastes like something warm is grabbing the edges of my throat.

"—Don't."

That's it… My feet, they hit the ground… "Huurgh!"

Warmth of liquid floods my mouth, releasing itself from within me. Relieving but disgusting… The taste leaves me wanting to vomit again… Folding down onto the ground in front of me… Come on, no more, please…

"Damn it…" "Huurgh!"

"—!"

Please… Please, tell me it stopped—it did. Right? Right? Right?

"It did…"

Mental clarity returning, my eyes functioning and my body back in control, I finally… Finally! Understand… Or at least I understand that I am actually alive… That I've regained my thoughts, that I can finally think straight… Finally…

Trees… A forest… Wait, I already knew that… For how long—how long have I been standing here, overflooded by my own mental thoughts, my own suffering and pain… Mental pain.

Now I'm here, back to my right thoughts… But damn… My head hurts! At least I know why. It's because I died… My head being overloaded by all kinds of things. But the most intense feeling—it has to be that I am somehow alive… How… Why… How the hell am I alive right now? I know for a fact I died, stabbed by a knife, but then how am I standing here? And second, where the hell did my wound go? All I can see is a stab mark in my suit… What is going on? A dream? I don't think so.

This has happened before, about a month ago, when I took my own life and got sent to this world… Can I not die? No, that feels unrealistic. For what reason would I not be able to die?… There has to be something behind it… Right?

"—!"

I didn't notice… Tears leaking out of my eyes, dripping down my chin onto the ground… There is something off, something I feel like I forgot… Something I think is missing.

It's Yumiko… No, not only her. It's the people… Luminara—it feels so distant, like it's out of reach… The wall, the gate that should be located in front of me… It's not there… Where—Where is it?!

The Luminara kingdom… Where is it?! Julian… Seraphina… Umi… Yu-Yu-miko…

My legs… My body darts through the forest, my eyes scouring every corner, every depth… I need—I need to find it… Where?! Where are they?! Where is Luminara?!