RE: Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse

Hentai Shinobi Rule 34: A hentai shinobi's top three favorite dishes will always remain—ass, pussy, and milk (from undefined sources based on preferences.)

***

Nobody was thrilled by the sudden emergence of C-rank missions—including Kai. He could wipe his ass off with other Genins' indignations about Team 9's act of speedrunning through D-rank missions and still have loads of shit stuck in his cheeks. That's how little he cared about those whining cunts, the genins and their Jonin instructors alike. The matter of the fact was that Hiruzen did not seek joy in sending children to their deaths.

From Tsunade, Kai understood that most Genins were seen as young adults irrespective of their ages. Their skills mattered the most. However, such sentiments never blinded Hiruzen's aim of creating a safer environment for the future generation despite the man experiencing fatal situations since his early life. Kai respected such grit. What annoyed the roided-hobgoblin-to-be was the act of appointing an inefficient mission to Team 9!

Why?!

A C-rank mission usually entails the Team's departure from the village. It was a massive waste of time! No, more than massive! It was a waste of exaggerated, humungous, and mind-boggling proportions! Worst of all, Team 9 was to leave on a mission to Chikara Village, which would take the group a day's journey!

It's simple mathematics, people. Kai earned 10 SP in two days. However, he would only earn 5 SP this time. And from the looks of it, the lack of enough D-rank missions would be a consistent pain in the ass due to the existence of the independent shinobi corps relying on them for their sustenance.

Fuck 'em!

Who cared about their jobs when Kai needed his daily SP high?!

"Hey! Stop! It's all your fault—"

Kai wasn't having any of it. Their team was collectively annoyed as Tsunade gave them the day off to prepare for personal inventory. The youth also had a few things he needed to get out of his way before leaving the safety umbrella known as Konoha. So, a single, deeply sated vicious glare tossed in the errand barking kids' kept the two genins at arm's reach from Kai as he entered the familiar Shinobi armory shop—Ninja Tools Roll.

Unlike his previous visit, the evening saw more traffic at the store as Kai met Minato's gaze before they waved at each other.

"How come you're still working your part-time?" Kai began as he nodded at Tonton, who dealt with a Jonin. The latter merely gave Kai a sidelong glance filled with moderate admiration and annoyance. So, Kai made an educated guess the gruff Jonin was also a team leader who had a hard time motivating his team for D-rank missions and was probably peeved about the sudden appointment of C-rank missions due to the team's disappointing career. As things were, not all teams assigned to Jonin Sensei were destined for greatness. The actual motivation behind these teams was to pass on Jonin's skills and expertise to the future generation. It wasn't just about learning a few special jutsus but mentorship.

"Well," Minato smiled. His gaze did not betray any nervousness if he felt any. "The missions came as a surprise, so I didn't get a chance to notify Tonton-san about any immediate leaves. Besides, I hoped to earn a bit more and donate it to the orphanage before leaving for the mission." The blonde led Kai to the selection of Senbon needles behind a glass-covered counter. "While I can't reveal mission details, it's possible Team 6 will be away for a week."

"Rough," Kai hummed as his gaze wandered the neat rows of Senbon stored over cushioned padding. The sleek steel glow cast a stark contrast against the brown pads. "I still don't understand why you are trying to earn extra money for the orphanage. The administration funds it, you know? Remember the steep cuts from our missions? They pay for everything from our earnings. That's why I like to discipline them since my tax puts food on their plates."

"Kai-san… you used to 'discipline' them before graduating to be a genin and performing D-rank missions." Minato's lips stretched into a wry smile.

"Practice makes perfect," Kai grinned before pointing at the stack. "Ten of the steel ones and 15 silver senbons. Can you show me your collection of carving pens and small hammers?"

"Sure," Minato smiled. "So, are you nervous about the mission?"

"Not really. However, if I die, you should take satisfaction in the knowledge I cherished our spars," Kai snickered.

Minato's lips hung open before he rolled his eyes. "So, you aren't nervous."

"Pssht, of ghastly dangers lurking outside Konoha?" Sarcasm laced Kai's voice as Minato unrolled a small belt containing the carving pens. "I never went outside Konoha ever. So, I don't have anything to fear yet. Maybe I'll develop new ones."

"Like what?" Minato piled the hammers next to Kai. "Fear of pissing Kushina-san and her calling you Feary-chan?" The blonde's humor wasn't lost on Kai as the latter's lips twitched.

Meanwhile, the few other Shinobi in the store barely understood the duo. After all, none of them were even remotely as composed as them.

<<<>>>

"What is he thinking?!" Tsunade slammed her sake saucer on the table with a resounding thud instead of shattering the pavement under the restaurant—a testament to her control. Instead of anger, her two drinking partners revealed ponderous looks on their chiseled features. Orochimaru calmly sipped from his saucer. Meanwhile, Jiraiya poured for Tsunade before leaning back as he angled his hands behind his back.

"Well, Hiruzen-Sensei won't make idle decisions. Something must have changed behind the scenes. Remember the carnage in the hospital?" Jiraiya huffed. "And what were you thinking, letting your team get nearly a hundred missions in less than two months?"

"Konoha was a building economy during our youths," Orochimaru smiled. "It still is. However, Konoha prefers the team mentoring the Genins and those without teams to continue contributing through missions."

"It's still too early!" Tsunade snapped. "You said it, right? Things are happening behind our backs. Even genins trained for a year would…"

She grew silent as silence descended in their private room.

"You are incorrect," Orochimaru spoke softly as the duo glanced at him. "We completed our first C-rank mission within the first month."

"Because it was safe," Tsunade grunted.

"It was never safe," Orochimaru replied.

Another bout of silence ensued until Jiraiya mused. "So? Where did Sensei assign you?"

"Chikara Town," Tsunade's shoulders slumped. The Third Hokage's students were not bothered by most of the rules regarding low-ranked missions in their privy. "You?" Tsunade inquired.

"Tsubasa Village," Jiraiya's expression soured.

"Woah," Tsunade brightened. "I guess stealing Sensei's stash caught up to you. It'll take about three days to get there on foot, right? Serves you right." She drank a mouthful from her saucer before exhaling heartily.

"Have a safe trip," Orochimaru smiled. However, he caught Tsunade rolling her eyes at him.

*A While Later*

"You can enter."

Tsunade's hand—clenched into a knuckle and about to knock on Orochimaru's office—stopped before she pushed open the door and entered the premises. She found Orochimaru leaning against the desk and calmly fished out a bottle of deep green pills from the pouch tied to her thigh. "Here you go, the next batch."

She tossed the bottle to Orochimaru, as he calmly caught it.

"Thank you, Tsunade."

"I'm still not going to let up on scanning your chakra coils," Tsunade scoffed. "Whatever it is… it's eating you from inside, Orochimaru. You need to heal it quickly."

"I'm working on it," the man began with the usual rasp and scratch in his voice. "Again, thank you for all the help."

Tsunade frowned and crossed her arms.

"What you were supposed to say was—Thank you, Tsunade. However will I repay this debt? Oh, I know. I should let you give me a scan and get working on a cure for my disease."

Orochimaru smiled and didn't say anything as Tsunade sighed. She performed a hand seal.

'Kai.'

The Orochimaru before her melted into writhing white snakes, leaving her alone.

'Jackass,' the blonde scoffed before leaving the room.

<<<>>>

"What are you going to do with all these?" Kushina inquired as she stepped into Kai's quarter alongside the boy. Both carried a small stack of scrolls before haphazardly placing them on Kai's mattress.

"What's with the obvious question?" Kai inquired.

"Just answer if it's so obvious," Kushina rolled her eyes as she picked one of the green scrolls.

"I'm gonna study them," Kai mused as he also picked one of the scrolls. "It's Mito-Sama's collection of historical facts ever since Konoha established itself. Lord Second began the venture of collecting data all over the continent. However, other information on other Countries is available sparingly for obvious reasons."

"Why study them?" Kushina blinked. "We have to leave tomorrow morning! Shouldn't we rest?"

"I've never left Konoha. It's prudent to learn what we have about Chikara Town and its surroundings." Kai unfurled the scroll. "Besides, bandits come and go. See?" He turned the scroll over to Kushina. "It says right here. There's a reason why the profound and freeing profession of bandit-ism survived to this day. These people know not to fuck with the wrong people and often stay on foot."

Kushina pushed the scroll away.

"Whatever, nerd-chan. Come on, let's take a bath."

"Nope," Kai tossed the scroll aside before dragging Kushina out. "I've got to prepare since I'm the team's only ray of sunshine and hope. And you—are a premium distraction!"

*Bang*

Kushina blinked as the door slammed shut on her face. Then, she repressed a giggle and left with a smirk.

"Let's see—" Kai turned on his heels and walked over to his nightstand. Pulling the shelf open, Kai glanced at the two portraits placed within. His bland expression morphed into twisted pleasure as he grinned. "You're going to have to wait, Slut. I'm sealing you inside the shelf. Don't worry, I'm sure you can break out of it if you need food or some shit."

With that, Kai shut the doors to another prime distraction material before sparsely sealing the nightstand to keep the slut from spying on him.

"So, it's a bit too much to read," Kai narrowed his eyes as he sat cross-legged on the bed. His gaze roamed the several scrolls before he glanced at his earlier purchases—10 steel and 15 silver senbons alongside a carving pen and a small chiseling hammer. 'Yeah, too much even for me to handle in just a few hours.'

Kai smirked. Times like these set him apart from casual gamers wasting their in-game currencies away!

[Consumed 90 SP]

[Shape Transformation (C) (21→39/50): While chakra flows, attracts, and dissipates, a Shinobi learns to achieve these aspects in different unique shapes suited to their purpose. This information-gathering skill provides the host with the knowledge of various shapes and the most suitable characteristics of chakra applicable to said chakra constructs. Increases Chakra Control by 0.1% at every level {If Chakra Control<20.}

Next Level: Spend 1,282,216/1,666,882 minutes maintaining any shape using chakra or 5 SP.]

Kai blandly stared at the numbers. The 30% increment at every level truly took a monstrous turn since he would need to spend over 200 days to advance to the next level. It went without saying how grueling mastering shape transformation truly is! Kai would have needed to spend years covering the 18 levels he bought using SP. It exemplified SP's—and, in turn, the D-rank mission's—value for Kai's growth!

Yet, he didn't bother mastering it all in one go since he merely wanted to max out the Chakra Control growth.

[Chakra Control benchmark accomplished. Choose one of the following titles.]

[Sharp As Fuck: You delude others into believing you're the most intelligent when in reality, you grasp the way to master your memory.

Effects: Unlocks a unique skill [Mind Library]]

Kai frowned.

'It still says to choose a title as if there are more to pick from.'

Knowing that his trait didn't make silly mistakes, Kai believed something else was at play. Yet, he only had a few hours.

[Title Selected]

[Mind Library (1/1): Permanently alters the brain's structure and the several tenketsu supporting the organ to achieve selective photographic memory. Adds 50 mental stat {If Mental<375.}]

Kai blinked and touched his head before noting there was barely any discomfort despite the—

"!?"

Kai's light tap turned into a tight clutch as his face paled, and he felt intensely nauseous. Although it was challenging to describe his feelings, Kai knew he hated every moment since it wasn't pain but a strange form of unwellness. It was as if he experienced millions of most aggressive rollercoasters at once!

"Ugh…"

Kai moaned weakly after the discomfort washed past his being, and he leaned on the bed's spine. Shaking his head and taking a moment for himself, Kai dove into the scrolls and began reading every intriguing bit about history washed over in the academy without peculiar focus. Meanwhile, his mind wandered to the most recent change in his stats after unlocking another unique skill.

[Name: Kai

Age: 8

Title: Konoha's Genin

Gamer Traits: Skill Tree; Sleepless Gamer

Skill Points: 408→551

Chakra: 156→158 (2/hr) (1+100%)

Physique: 153→169

Mental: 101→151

Perception: 156→157

Chakra Control: 17.6→20

Skills:

TItles:]

[Leaf Snapping Fist (C) (3→15/15): The guide to the defensive and offensive taijutsu employed by all of Konoha's Shinobi in some manner unless armed with unique—and rarely—better Taijutsu. Mastering this skill assists the shinobi their entire lifetime and is well-optimized to be incorporated with other bukijutsu. Adds one stat to physique at every level {If Physique<200.}]

[Senbon Throwing Art (E) (11→15/15): Learn to stab the enemy at their weakest by sniping thick needles when they least expect. This skill improves the body's coordination and perception so the lighter Senbons can perform precise snipes.]

[Multiple Senbon Taijutsu (D) (0→15/15): While unorthodox, utilizing senbons in Taijutsu is not unheard of. This skill informs the host how to replace fists with several senbons to enhance lethality. Adds one stats to physique {If Physique<100.}]

[Four Symbols Seal (B) (1→6/10): A fuinjutsu of four directions and the unending vortex seals it all. This information-granting skill informs the host about the unique sealing matrix involving a few unique and private symbols known only to the Uzumaki Clan, which remain unknown to the rest of the world to this day. Mastering the seal allows the user to seal what they desire in whomever they wish.

Next Level: Perform the seal 88/108 times or 12 SP.]

Completing two D-rank missions a day impacted Kai's improvement in skills. Not to mention, spending more time to master [Four Symbols Seal] consumed startling reserves of chakra where Kai eventually decided to merely train this skill twice a day and divert efforts to other things.

"Hmm?"

Kai's thoughts paused as he glanced at an intriguing bit about Konoha's administration.

'Lord First had a way to deal with all bandits at once but chose not to at Lord Second's insistence?' Kai cupped his chin before going through the next portion. 'Oh. So, that was it. Killing bandits wouldn't have stopped the profession from flourishing since most thieves and other petty criminals exist to sate their basic needs. Instead, Lord Second wanted to eventually expand Konoha and take others under his wings to produce more sources of income.'

Kai tossed the scroll aside.

'Of course, that never came to a pass. Both are dead, and Konoha never expanded.'

Kai picked another scroll.

'Although, why would Lord Third screw over the recently graduated teams? Those appointed to other Jonin are all talented in some manner, and most have enough wealth. Kids like Minato also have part-time jobs, so nobody was hurting for money. Just suspending D-rank missions for the recently graduated Genin Teams would have been effortless, and the team leaders could have spent this time training us to our bones.'

Kai grinned.

'Instead, we're getting tossed outside? Nah. Hiruzen Sarutobi's reputation for protecting the next generation is too concrete to be doubted. Something's up.'

Schemes and conspiracies were one of Kai's 'hobbies.' He enjoyed filling the various forum websites of his previous worlds with several scandalous videos of people with power before releasing theories of how one celebrity was another politician's child and such, stoking chaos whenever one news simmered with other similar theories. That wasn't to say Kai could not understand how people in power thought. He merely rejected their ideology for power.

No, he didn't need power by fucking others.

He only wanted to fuck with others. Kai was always powerful.

So, he assumed they weren't baits. Hiruzen wouldn't actively put the Genin teams at risk. If Kai had to guess, he would consider this situation a 'smoke' to cover for something else.

Still, his smile faded.

'Just gotta prepare. The best way to enjoy life has always been strong beyond recognition and chilling. It's not like Kushina's taking this shit seriously.' He rolled his eyes. 'Bath, my ass. How does she plan to spend time bathing if something happens in the mission?'

It wasn't like he was worried for the devil or anything.

<<<>>>

The early morning greeted Mikoto with the dull sight of her house's maid seating her for a few words before she left to meet Team 9 and depart for the mission. The fact that it wasn't her father seeing Mikoto out for her first mission almost annoyed the girl. It wasn't like Mikoto looked down on their residence's maid.

If anything, it was the opposite. Kyo Uchiha was one of the few kunoichi who survived to live till retirement. At her peak, Kyo was one of the best officers in Konoha Police and an accomplished Chunin. However, Kyo was usually… less bright. The woman barely showed any emotion, and the few times Mikoto observed Kyo smile, it was at her dad's stupid antics—no doubt to curry favor. Why else would Kyo ever cozy up to her superior? Still, Mikoto understood it was one of the ways for a Kunoichi to live, and if her father didn't have anything to say about it, then it wasn't Mikoto's problem.

Nonetheless, Mikoto liked cheerful individuals like Kushina. Yet, all the indignation disappeared the second Kyo opened her mouth.

"Yata-sama wants you to learn a simple seal before you leave, Mikoto-sama. It's a hand seal to activate your birthing imprint."

Mikoto blanked out, her calm expression now a picture of daze and shock.

"Yes?"

Kyo tilted her head. "I'm talking about the seal the elders plant on every Uchiha offspring at their births. You are aware of it, don't you? If not, I don't mind explaining things in brief—"

"I- I know about it!" Mikoto hurriedly interjected before lowering her head as blood rushed to her cheeks. "I understand why Dad sent you."

Kyo nodded before passing on the hand seal.

"There's something else, Mikoto-sama," Kyo cleared her throat.

"What does that old man want now?" Mikoto huffed, unable to keep the red from her cheeks.

Kyo raised an eyebrow as Mikoto cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry. What else did my father have to relay?"

"It's not from Yata-sama," Kyo began. The woman slipped her hand into the collar of her thin yukata before pulling out a folded slip from near her cleavage. "It's a few tips I wish I knew before venturing outside Konoha ranging from establishing pee spots—"

"Okay! Okay! I understand!" Mikoto snatched the slip from Kyo before glaring at the woman. "Tsunade-Sensei already taught us a few things. You didn't need to do this." Glancing away, the girl then nodded. "But thank you."

"Also," Kyo resisted the urge to smile. "Please be safe."

Mikoto stalled before offering a bright smile.

"Yes!"

"And please learn to clean up after yourself better in the wilds should you relieve yourself like you have been these past few days, Mikoto-sama. Scent can be tracked—"

"Shut up already!"

Needless to say, Mikoto's day wasn't off to a thrilling start.

***

Alternate Title: Kai and Minato: Premium Bromance; Talk Of The Town; The Advent of C; C Missions? Cunt Missions?; The Inefficient Missions; Hiruzen Better Square-Up; Purchasing Inventory; Weapons; Kai Raises Flags Just To Pee on Them; Kai: If Something Happens To Me— *Minato Seals His Lips—* AYO! WTF!; The Brief Drinking Meeting; Jiraiya's Sin Caught Up; The Hidden Meaning; Sassy Tsunade; Sassier Orochimaru; The Genjutsu Fiend; Orochimaru: Gender… is an Illusion, Too *Turns Into a Bimbo*; The Collection; Mito Really Plays With Fire and More; Kai About To Starve Mito Off Her Favorite Cream; More Unique Skills?; Hashirama: Imma Impale Dem Bandits! *Tobirama: No Brother! Imma Pull a Pro Gamer Move* Fucking Dies; Smoke and Mirrors; Misdirection; Hiruzen's Still The Man of the Game; Another Shared Skill Across Fanharemverse; Kushina: Kai is Not a Tsundere, I Repeat! He Is My Tsundere-chan; Mikoto's Day: Shitty; Kyo's Elden Ring Name: LetMeTeaseHer; Kyo About To Solo Yata's Family; Kyo: Be Careful, Mikoto-sama— *Mikoto is Happy* — To Not Sully Your Innocence On The Road Like You're Doing In Your Room *Mikoto Yeets Out of Existence in Embarrassment*; Kai Said It Rightly: The Way Of Masturbation Requires Thick Skin And Sexy Onaholes!

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