Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 12

I was half-mad.

I brought down a book—so large and heavy that it could have been a deadly weapon if wielded with force—on Ariana’s head.

At the same time, I spewed out every curse I could manage with the princess’ tongue.

“Die… hhic… Die! Just die!!”

“Whoa, what the—!”

“What are you all standing there for? Restrain her!”

I don’t even know how I managed to swing a book I could barely lift with both hands.

Any thought of consequences had long vanished from my mind.

All I wanted was to punish the detestable woman before me who had dragged me back into the depths of my worst trauma.

Hitting me was fine.

Waterboarding, electrocution—those were painful, but bearable.

I had no intention of resisting.

But this? This was too much.

If they were going to do this, they might as well just kill me. I’d told them that countless times.

…Had I told them?

I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure.

But I hated this. I wasn’t the princess.

Don’t torment me with someone else’s memories. Please.

Of course, with my nonexistent strength, I couldn’t even carry out my act of violence properly.

The book slipped from my hands by the third swing.

Before I could land a few more hits, Ariana grabbed my wrist.

The nearby commoners rushed in and forcibly tore me away from her.

Immediately after, Ariana struck my left cheek with her hand.

My head snapped to the side, and blood spilled from my split lip and the inside of my mouth.

Her cheerful demeanor, which she had maintained since we reunited at the academy, had vanished.

Her eyes, now cold and sunken, scanned me from head to toe, making my skin crawl.

It felt as though she were deliberating on how to deal with a disobedient animal.

Whether it was her gaze that overwhelmed me or my own body failing from the prior outburst, I couldn’t breathe.

My lungs screamed for oxygen, but no matter how much I gasped, no air filled them.

The more I tried to breathe, the more suffocated I felt.

“…It seems you’re beginning to overstep your bounds.

I thought I’d been considerate up until now, but maybe I’ve been too kind.”

“Huff… Huff… Co-considerate? Don’t talk, hhic, nonsense. What are you…?”

“There you go again.

You see, a dog that bites its owner… needs to be disciplined.”

Even as I gasped for breath, I glared at her and raised my voice.

Ariana simply glanced at me with a dry expression.

Her gaze was far more terrifying than usual—it felt like she might truly do anything.

She motioned to the commoners holding me.

With just a light gesture, the results were brutal.

They grabbed my hair, punched my stomach, knocked me to the ground, stomped on me, slammed my back, kicked my chest, twisted my wrists in impossible directions, and pressed their feet against my temples.

Every wave of pain drove out what little air remained in my lungs.

I desperately tried to pull myself together and breathe, but my lungs emptied faster than I could fill them.

All I could produce was a metallic rasp, and no matter how much I tried, my chest remained hollow.

My limbs stiffened.

I felt as if I were drowning, a profound sense of helplessness consuming me.

Even then, the fear of dying disgusted me.

So, I writhed under the relentless violence.

“You really dislike hallucinogens, don’t you?

That was just a mild one, but if this is your reaction, I’m curious to see what happens with something stronger.

Next time, I’ll prepare something with real highs and withdrawal symptoms. You can look forward to it.”

Ariana crouched down and whispered to me as I lay curled up, struggling to breathe beneath the weight of the assault.

Her words were a death sentence.

If this was mild, then administering something stronger would be a psychological execution.

Dying physically would at least be a relief. This…

In that moment, a thought flitted through my oxygen-deprived mind.

If breathing wasn’t enough, I could just stop.

I weakly raised my dangling right hand to my throat and began to squeeze.

Though my grip was feeble, it was enough to cut off the scant breaths I was managing.

If I couldn’t breathe anyway, I might as well stop trying.

Harder, tighter—choke myself. Punish the princess who still feared death.

It wasn’t even my body. It didn’t matter what happened to it.

So, right now. Just kill me.

“…Wait. Stop.”

But at some point, my hand froze and refused to move.

Trembling violently, it wouldn’t obey me.

Was it the princess stopping me, or had I given up?

In the end, I gasped for the breath I had denied myself, my body convulsing violently.

A numbness spread through me as if my blood had stopped circulating.

Like being hit with tear gas, fluids poured uncontrollably from every opening on my face.

My mouth, gulping air and expelling it, seemed broken, incapable of functioning anymore.

“A bag! Anything to catch this—quickly, bring it!”

Through the darkening edges of my vision, I saw Ariana’s panicked expression.

Oh, so she didn’t actually intend to kill me.

That realization brought both relief and despair.

I didn’t know what expression to wear at a time like this.

As my mind faded, I laughed through my tears.

It must not have been a pleasant sight.

In my final moments of awareness, Ariana’s face twisted with confusion and uncertainty.

Though I collapsed in chaos, nothing had changed in the end.

As before, I awoke sprawled on a desk.

By the time I regained consciousness, the professor had already started the lecture.

It must have been Ariana’s group that moved me here again.

Expecting a surge of pain as I sat up, I braced myself, but surprisingly, I felt okay.

They must have used healing magic, as most of my external injuries were gone.

I guess they really thought it was serious this time.

Unlike before, they hadn’t selectively healed only parts of me.

I sighed softly, rubbing my still-aching throat.

The suffocation earlier was probably due to hyperventilation.

In my fractured mental state, exacerbated by the beating, my frail body had likely reached its limit.

“Now, let’s memorize this section briefly.

Pillar Opergamon: The Song of Wax and Parchment.”

The voice of the magic professor was less sleep-inducing than that of the history professor.

I watched his writing on the board, letting my body slump against the desk.

Now that my head had cooled, my earlier actions felt foolish.

Caught up in surging emotions, I’d acted impulsively and even resorted to violence.

Sure, the target was someone who had caused me immense pain—a detestable excuse for a person.

But still, I’d stooped to her level.

The princess, who had always loathed and vowed never to behave in such a way, had shattered that resolve.

It must have been me in control.

If the princess had been in charge, she would never have done something like that.

A puppet incapable of doing anything alone.

The one who always blamed the princess for my suffering, shifting responsibility.

Yet here I was, letting my emotions dictate my actions, amplifying the pain to come.

And on top of that, I broke the promise.

I tried to kill her—the princess.

Claiming it wasn’t my body, pretending it didn’t matter what happened to it.

I wouldn’t deny that I often thought that way.

But to act on it, to reduce myself to instinct, left an inexplicable heaviness in my chest.

Am I, perhaps, distinguishing between killing myself as “suicide” and killing the princess as “homicide”?

I should already know there’s no line to draw.

We’re so deeply intertwined that I’m experiencing vivid hallucinations based on her memories, grappling with severe PTSD.

And yet, I still try to separate myself from her.

…….

I don’t know.

I really don’t.

Let’s just leave it at that—I don’t know.

I forced my muddled mind to settle and turned my head.

At that moment, I felt someone’s gaze.

It wasn’t unusual to be hit with trash or glared at during class, but this time, there was something oddly familiar about it.

As I glanced around, I locked eyes with the source of the gaze.

“Ah.”

It was Ariana.

She was staring at me with an expression full of emotion.

Her eyes, so different from the carefree ones I was used to, stood out even more because of it.

It seemed I had wounded her pride.

Normally, I was obedient, but this time, I had lashed out excessively.

I’d probably pay for it during lunch.

Well, it’s my own mess. What can I do about it?

I sighed and let out a faint chuckle.

It was a laugh aimed at myself.

When Ariana saw my expression change as I noticed her, she flinched noticeably, as if interpreting it in some way.

Her gaze grew even more intense.

Ah, here we go again.

By the time lunch rolled around, my resigned thoughts had calmed me completely.

Expecting Ariana and her group to approach any moment, I took a deep breath to steady myself.

Then, a whisper reached my ear.

It was Ariana’s voice, though I hadn’t noticed her approaching.

“…Next time will be different.”

Her tone was low, almost subdued, as she said that, and then, for the first time since we reunited at the academy, she left me alone and went to eat.

I sat there, blankly staring at the spot where she had been for a long time.

What on earth did she mean by that?