Only Good To Me

The misfortune of a mistake caused by an irresistible force of the universe, leaving a lifelong stigma.Some unlucky individuals encounter such misfortune. A ‘mistake by universal force,’ for example, in my case, was when I peed myself while sitting in class during elementary school.Not only did it soak through my underwear and pants, but the transparent, slightly yellow liquid dripped down under the chair. I was petrified, not knowing what to do, crushed under the mighty force of the universe until my desk mate, startled, got up to call the teacher. This happened because I lacked the courage to raise my hand during class to ask to go to the bathroom.“Pee Boy.”That was the nickname that followed me throughout elementary school.The irresistible force of the universe revisited me when I was fifteen. This force clouded my eyes, distanced my reason, consumed my judgment, and stirred my heart. Yes, it was a great universal force, and I had no power to resist it.Even though it had cast my reason far away, it made me want to go to school, and although it took away my ability to judge Seo Hangeon, it stopped me from playing with knives on my wrists.With such a mindset, I secretly watched Seo Hangeon.Seo Hangeon, during a school festival, sang “First Love” by Busker Busker with a friend, becoming known as the “rising super-hot guy from Suyeong-gu” on Facebook. He ran around the stage in a suit, with stylish socks and Converse shoes, playfully.Of course, I watched too. I watched without taking my eyes off him even once, sweating under my arms. Seo Hangeon sang well.Being a celebrity at the ‘neighborhood’ level, let alone ‘district’ level, was quite something. There was a rumor that this super-hot guy from Suyeong-gu once got scouted on the street for an idol group but was too tall for idol activities, thus he was suggested to be a model instead.With a height close to 180 cm in middle school, aiming for a sports high school, Seo Hangeon’s body, trained in taekwondo, boxing, and running, was already more well-built than most adult men.However, his small face (this is not my description but one from rumors) was said to have the clean look of an idol. In my opinion, after encountering him up close, calling him an idol was an exaggeration, but I agreed with the clean face part.Due to his rough reputation and aggressive attitude, he exuded a strong vibe overall. It was said he had beaten up a few kids and broken windows in elementary school. There were also stories of him hanging out with some tough guys already. Whether these were heroic tales or not, I thought there’s no smoke without fire.(According to more rumors) this notorious hottie from Suyeong-gu, known for his bad temper and intimidating peers, hit 185 cm by the second year of middle school. New photos of girlfriends were reportedly posted on his social media every couple of months. The consensus among those gossiping behind his back was unanimous:“He’ll sleep with 1,000 and then ascend. So damn jealous.”By the second year of middle school, I managed to reach 162 cm. That was 5 cm more than the previous year, but still a pitiful height. Embarrassingly, I hadn’t even grown hair there yet. My relatives said not to worry since secondary sexual characteristics might appear after the third year of middle school, but my mother was not reassured.I once overheard my parents talking about this:“Isn’t it because you’ve been too strict with him? Stress can be a cause, they say.”“If he can’t handle punishment for his mistakes, how will he survive in the world?”“Well, at school before…”“That was because he’s so introverted.”My father was an internal medicine doctor, running a private clinic. Unlike Seo Hangeon, he was a ‘neighborhood’ celebrity rather than a ‘district’ one. His clinic, Lee Geunwoo Internal Medicine, had many patients. My mother was a daughter of a professor and a graduate of a prestigious high school, so my father expected his son to at least be the top student in school.However, I ranked third in my class in my first exam in middle school. I swear I did my best. Feeling responsible for all the academies I attended since elementary – English, Math, and Science for the gifted – I did my best. The exam period even caused me a week-long constipation due to stress.But I completely missed one essay question in ethics, lost half marks on one problem in physics, and crucially made a mistake in math – calculating 0.1 as 0.01.Therefore, my father, with his usual ‘rational discipline,’ said I hadn’t given my best. He would spank my calf when I did wrong. I wasn’t allowed to cry or make noise during the punishment. It was an old-school corporal punishment method passed down through generations.After the spanking, I would be locked in a dark bathroom wearing only underwear. It was time for reflection. Sometimes it was for 10 minutes, sometimes 30, but for the mid-term results, it was an hour. My feet would get cold, I’d feel chilly, and my mood would darken.The final exam, where I made more mistakes due to nervousness, doubled the punishment – both the spanking and the reflection time. I had to spend two hours alone in the dark bathroom in just my underwear.As a child, I thought this was how everyone was disciplined for doing wrong.One day, out of curiosity, I cut my wrist with a utility knife. It was just slightly painful. It was merely a prank where a few drops of blood trickled out.I got caught and instead of the traditional corporal punishment, I got slapped several times and locked in the bathroom for another hour. The next day or the day after, I did it again at school. It wasn’t with any grand intention like wanting to die or attempting suicide. I just wanted to scratch.In the moment of slowly scraping my skin with the knife, worries and inexplicable depression vanished, and my head felt light. I even felt like I was looking down at reality from a slightly higher world. Perhaps, just perhaps, this might have worked, and I would collapse or lose consciousness, and my father would cry sadly seeing it – such a fantasy brushed by. It brought some peace and made me feel better. Anyway, it ended as a prank to calm my mind.In the bathroom stall, after slowly cutting my wrist for about 10 minutes with a utility knife, I would come back to reality from my brief fantasy and then go to the infirmary. On that day, I got slapped again.After this happened a few times, my father stopped hitting me for playing with my wrists. Instead, he’d just sigh deeply, with my mother looking worried behind him, and he’d slam the door shut with an annoyed look.Ironically, I stopped that prank after I started liking Seo Hangeon. From the time going to school became exciting and enjoyable. Even if I got scolded by my father for my grades or received the rational, traditional punishment, I felt good on days I went to school.I went to school to catch a glimpse of Seo Hangeon from afar, for the thrill of occasionally bumping into him. On days I saw Seo Hangeon running around the playground, I was so happy I could cry. It was undeniably a powerful force of the universe.Anyway, because of a few instances of self-harm, I had become somewhat of a ‘school’ level celebrity. In middle school, when we were in the same class, I heard them say:“Oh, we’re in the same class as the Pee Boy.”“Hey. The kid changed his nickname. With Cutter.”“He’s crazy.”“So what, it’s true. Right? With Cutter?”‘Cutter.’ What a word lacking in imagination and combination sense. It was nothing but contempt for such low-level childishness and ignorance. Of course, I didn’t respond. This square-headed kid then sneered:“Pee Boy is better than Cutter, right?”Middle school. The hierarchy here was unexpectedly fierce. Whatever you might expect, it’s beyond that. But amusingly, the competition to take the top spots in the hierarchy isn’t that fierce. The top spots are already occupied by kids like Seo Hangeon. The most brutal fights for rank happen in the ambiguous middle ranks, and those kids always try to bully someone like me.But it doesn’t work well. Because everyone knows what kind of clinic my father runs, and even if I don’t meet my father’s standards, I do well in studies for my own part. Their bullying usually ends with me ignoring their vulgar language.Among those at the lower end of the hierarchy like me, who have no intention of attacking, there are rare good guys. I usually hung out with one or two of those friends, talking about studies, exams, and sometimes about new games.That day, the picnic day, was no different.Classes from 1 to 5 went for a field trip to Hwangnyeong Mountain. Seo Hangeon was in class 2. Even from afar, his varsity jacket stood out. Seo Hangeon, looking like a college student, mingled with the top-tier hierarchy members and disappeared into the sunlight.I enjoyed a bit of pleasure, quietly playing with a friend named Kangho in a secluded spot. It was lunchtime, and we had quickly eaten our kimbap and were resting. Loud, cursing laughter echoed from somewhere in the playground. It was Seo Hangeon’s group, laughing heartily.Someone’s lunchbox seemed to have fallen on the ground. When I looked secretly, Seo Hangeon wasn’t among the laughing kids. Just then, we heard our homeroom teacher calling for us to gather, and Kangho and I walked towards the assembly point across the walking path.“Ah! Wait a sec, Won, I didn’t pick up the trash.”Kangho went back to where we ate the kimbap. I stopped for a moment to look at Kangho when I heard someone cursing behind me.“Fuck, what’s this tiny thing blocking the way? Move.”I recognized whose voice it was in 0.01 seconds. So, I couldn’t turn around.First love.That’s recognizing someone’s voice in 0.01 seconds by the universal force. And sweating under my arms while watching that person from afar. It’s what made it possible to stop playing with the cutter knife and to grow fond of school. It was something like that.My reason and judgment despised the cursing primate, but as I said before, the irresistible force took all that away and even changed my disdain into this:“I really hate people who curse. I really don’t like it. Seo Hangeon shouldn’t talk like that.”It turns disdain into longing. The force of the universe is indeed this strong.I had to move aside quickly. Like being pinned by scissors, I moved my frozen body and walked. When I turned my body, I saw the peers of Suyeong-gu’s hot guy gathered around a large rock.“Ah, it’s him. The Pee Boy.”“Man, even Hangeon’s shoulder doesn’t come close. He’s really tiny.”“Hey, Pee Boy, hello!”“Hello? Pee Boy, hello? Can you return the greeting?”While walking hard, I saw the soft surface of a black varsity jacket in front of me. I almost looked up but then my eyes met the tiger on the back of the jacket.“Back off, you assholes.”Seo Hangeon shouted at his peers. Seo Hangeon, who blocked my path, had his hands in his pants pockets. Honestly, I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on, nor could I guess what Seo Hangeon’s purpose was. If he was looking to start a fight, I needed to get out of there quickly.I tried to move aside, but smoothly, a casual foot followed. A white Nike shoe blocked my New Balance. I slightly furrowed my brows and turned my body to the right. Again, smoothly, the Nike shoe planted itself in front of me.‘…?’I still had my eyes fixed on the front pocket of Seo Hangeon’s varsity jacket as I took another step. Again, the bare ankle above the Nike shoe followed and blocked my way.“Sorry for cursing?”So, I had to look up. At the end of my gaze was Seo Hangeon’s cheerful smile. The smiling mouth asked a strange question.“What’s your name?”I couldn’t figure out what his intentions were. I quickly turned my head with a look of confusion. My eyebrows furrowed even more. At this turn of events, the guys gathered around the rock started to jeer as if they had been waiting for it.“Look at that sour face. He never answers, this guy. He doesn’t even acknowledge greetings.”“He’s called Pee Boy. Call him by his real name, his real name.”“Lee Won! Hi? Hi? Hey? Cat got your tongue?”“Haha, no way.”“Shit… I’ll make him respond to a greeting.”Seo Hangeon shouted louder than before. It was the same voice that had sung Busker Busker’s “First Love.”“Back off, you shits!”To hear his voice, tsk. Seo Hangeon muttered this and looked at me again. I turned my head even more to the side. Then Seo Hangeon bent his waist to match my eye level, bringing his face, with a playful smile, close to mine.“Name, Lee Won?”Wanting to end the situation quickly, I answered hastily.“Yeah.”Seo Hangeon straightened up, exuding a calm scent. I felt dizzy for a moment. Seo Hangeon, still with his hands in his pockets in a laid-back pose, stepped aside. In my blurry peripheral vision, the black varsity jacket slowly moved away.For the first few steps, he walked backward slowly, and when I was about to disappear from his view, Seo Hangeon quickly turned and ran back to his peers with a cheerful, full-of-swagger cursing.That’s how I spent a few seconds with Seo Hangeon on the mountain path where maple leaves had settled.After that, for a while, whether eating, listening to class, or reading a fantasy novel, I would zone out every five minutes or so. It was because the face that had smiled up close kept appearing in my mind.I didn’t know that smiling face was the smile that drove Busan schoolgirls, who admired and liked him, crazy to see just once.I usually associated Seo Hangeon with seasons, but at that moment, he was a bit confusing. The smile that carried the scent of spring at the end of autumn during the picnic. Behind the face that smiled up close, light was leaking from the dense forest. With a mixture of spring and autumn, that day’s Seo Hangeon became a new season for me.🏐That winter break was particularly boring. Although it was a freedom from exam stress for a while, I couldn’t fully enjoy that freedom. I wanted to go back to school soon.I didn’t harbor the vain hope that just because Seo Hangeon had asked my name during the picnic, we would become friends and start greeting each other. I could at least think rationally to that extent. I just wanted to reduce the time spent at home. Going to school meant I could be completely immersed in the excitement.“It’s cold.”“If it’s cold, then it’s chueotang (spicy fish stew).”Kangho and Juyong started again. Hyungon and I chuckled.“Then when it’s hot?”When I asked, Juyong scratched his head through his padded hat and answered:“If it’s hot, then it’s daegutang (codfish stew).”“Aw.”Kangho added a disappointed interjection. These days, we were deeply into developing high-gags (high-level comedy). Fortunately, all four of us who had been going to the same academy for three years had similar tastes in humor. Kangho and I went to the same school, which made everything easy. At that time, I was keeping such good spirits that I had completely forgotten about the times I used to cut my wrist with a knife.“Then when it’s warm?”“Hmm… that’s a bit tough. What to do?”“Cheese?”“Nah, that’s not it.”“Wa… wa…”“Wafaghetti!”“Oh!! Juyong’s got it!”Funny, funny! Laughing like fools, we opened the convenience store door. Two girls from our academy were standing at the counter. We stopped laughing and maintained silence. In this silence, the serious selection of cup noodles began. I thought about getting something to drink and went to the drink section.While I was looking, I felt one of the girls at the counter peeking at me. I overheard their whispered argument.“Yeah, yeah, that’s him. I saw him in uniform before. He goes to the same school as Seo Hangeon.”“Should we ask him?”The two girls, not much taller than me, cautiously approached and asked:“Hey, can we ask you something?”“Huh? What…?”“Are you from the same school as this guy?”On the screen of the latest iPhone 5 was Seo Hangeon’s profile picture from his Facebook. I quickly glanced at the few photos under his profile. I didn’t see clearly because I was in a rush, but in one photo, Seo Hangeon, wearing a golden jacket, had his girlfriend next to him. All four photos were couple pictures.I nodded. The girls covered their mouths, blushing, and asked:“Does he accept friend requests easily?”“Uh… I’m not sure. I don’t use Facebook…”I awkwardly smiled and looked at the photo again. In his profile picture, Seo Hangeon was wearing a shoe store uniform, making a peace sign. It looked like an angle where his girlfriend might have taken the photo.While I was making high-gags with my friends and going between the academy and home, Seo Hangeon was working part-time and dating. My good mood subsided a bit.“Is it true that he fought with teachers at school?”“Uh… there was an incident in the first year…”The girls screamed silently and stomped their feet, while I turned away with an embarrassed smile.It’s true that Seo Hangeon had issues with teachers when he was in the first year. I didn’t know the full details of the event, but it resulted in a big argument with a notoriously grumpy old science teacher, ending with Seo Hangeon cursing at him. He had to write an apology letter, his father was called to school…Besides that, there was another incident where he pushed a classmate during a fight, breaking their glasses, which led the other student’s mother to come to school, and Seo Hangeon’s father was called again…From these incidents, I inferred that Seo Hangeon did not have a mother.“Thanks. We’ll ask you again if we have more questions!”After giving a lively response, the girls left the convenience store. Hyungon and Kangho, who had sidled up next to me, spoke to Juyong.“Juyong. Buy this, Juyong.”“Juyong. Give me 100 won, Juyong.”I suddenly felt a lump in my throat and picked up a can of cider.🏐Since I was young, I gave up quickly.I quickly got over the dissatisfaction of being in the same class as the square-headed kid in our third year. It’s already decided, so there’s nothing to do about it. I decided not to think about the square-headed guy who would alternate between calling me ‘Cutter’ and ‘Pee Boy’. Still, I considered it lucky to be in the same class as Kangho and cleared my mind.Thus, with a somewhat pleasant feeling, right after opening the back door of Class 3-3, I started to think that perhaps there might be some mercy in the universal force that had branded me with the stigma of ‘Pee Boy’.When I spotted Seo Hangeon sitting in the third row of the second group, in his school uniform.When our eyes met as he was biting on a blue Monami Plus pen like it was a cigarette.When Seo Hangeon, who had already gathered his peers around him on the first day of school, looked at me.I felt the mercy of the universe.I couldn’t choose my nickname. I couldn’t choose my introverted personality.I couldn’t choose my father either.But like two sides of a coin, the universe, which seemed so cold, this time gave me something I couldn’t choose by my own power. It placed Seo Hangeon in my class. It was a mercy that made me ashamed of blaming misfortune one by one.At that moment, I became anxious about what would happen if Seo Hangeon greeted me. With the pitiful primate next to me, desperate to get a greeting out of me, if Seo Hangeon were to acknowledge me, it would be troublesome.But Seo Hangeon just casually turned his eyes away. After briefly looking at me, he moved his gaze to Kangho behind me and then down to his friends. It seemed like he didn’t remember who I was.They exchanged vulgar jokes, banging on the desk with the cap of a Monami pen in their mouth, without even acknowledging me with a look.Seo Hangeon didn’t remember me.While looking for an empty seat with Kangho, I felt a cold fire burning at the back of my neck.This year’s homeroom teacher was the math teacher. During the morning assembly, while he was introducing himself and giving moralistic lectures, his attention suddenly shifted to Seo Hangeon. Perhaps he had decided to establish his authority right from the start. While talking about various things that shouldn’t happen in Class 3-3, he specifically mentioned Seo Hangeon.“Yeah, Seo Hangeon?”The air in the classroom tensed. I was still reeling from the shock I’d received earlier, so I didn’t have the strength to look that way. The students in the classroom were all focused on how the person targeted by the teacher would react.“Hehe, yes? Why me?”The brief tension immediately left the classroom with Seo Hangeon’s smooth response. The homeroom teacher, being a seasoned 50-year-old man in his teaching career, also ended the brief power struggle like dealing with a slippery eel.“You’re so famous, that’s why, brat.”“What? I’m famous? Why? Why is that?”After a few chuckles, the homeroom teacher emphasized again:“Anyway, there will be no violence in my class. Got it? I’m the white dove of our school. A symbol of peace.”Horribly, the second period on the first day of school was the math class of the white dove homeroom teacher. After reciting the same nagging from the morning in an even longer version, the teacher started the lesson without fail.By then, I had cooled down my head and returned to my senses. Whether I was in the same class as Seo Hangeon or not, I needed to get good scores on the mid-term, so I focused on the lesson.The white dove homeroom teacher, except for his typical old-school teacher’s arrogance, was a good person. He had memorized my name and would occasionally call on me during class to answer questions. From a teacher’s perspective, it’s natural to favor students like me who concentrate in class, especially during math lessons.Today, as everyone was silent in front of the problems written all over the blackboard, the homeroom teacher asked for my help.“Lee Won! Want to come up and try to solve this?”“Uh…”Fixed-answer questions are always uncomfortable. Why ask when you can just command me to come up and solve it? As I let out an awkward smile with an expressionless face, the teacher changed his words.“Come up with Kangho and solve these two problems.”Kangho and I stood up silently and walked to the front of the chalkboard. It was still a chilly spring. The classroom was appropriately cool, and my fingertips felt slightly cold.Amidst the silence, the chalk hit the board with a ‘tud-tud-tud’ sound. Every time I paused to think, Kangho next to me would move the chalk rapidly. Kangho’s handwriting was messy because of his impatient nature, often breaking the chalk. I wrote down numbers and symbols slowly.There was a half-hidden yawn sound, and paper rustled. A chair creaked from someone unable to withstand the boredom. As the teacher was walking between the desks, he suddenly shouted:“Hey! Seo Hangeon!”“Yes!”“Are you putting honey on the back of Won’s head? Why keep looking at him?”“…”“Where’s your mind at, you little brat!”Giggles started filling the sleepy classroom.“With you staring from behind, how can Won concentrate?”“I’m sorry! Teacher!”“Hold your book properly.”“Yes, I’m looking at it!”The whole classroom laughed loudly. Using the lively atmosphere as an excuse, I glanced back.Seo Hangeon had his eyes wide open, glaring at his math book as if he wanted to kill it. Overcome by the atmosphere, he let out a short laugh, then quickly put on a serious face. He then exaggeratedly tilted his head back, glaring at the math book malevolently.“This kid, for real.”Even the teacher chuckled. I broke the chalk while writing on the board. The broken piece fell to the classroom floor. I picked up a new piece of chalk.Snap.I broke the chalk again.And so, our year began.