Ch 144
I had decided to spend the day with Ruber, so there was no hurry at all. I quietly waited while the boy chose his words.
As I looked at him without saying anything, Ruber, who had been hesitating, carefully spoke up.
“This is just something I heard when I was curious about Ernhardt Young Master, and I looked it up… I’m not sure if it’s true…”
“Yes?”
“I heard that ever since they were little, everything Oliver Combine Young Master liked, Glothin Tenner Young Master also liked. Clothes, toys, pets… And usually, the Combine Count would give Glothin Young Master things that belonged to Oliver Young Master.”
“Mm?”
“Even if Oliver Combine Young Master didn’t want them…”
I remembered the time when I met both Glothin and Oliver, and we talked a lot about pets. Was the dog that Glothin had cherished for years originally Oliver’s?
I also recalled the voices of Sheiden and Damian, who had once said that maybe both of them liked Marianne.
Was Glothin Tenner in love with Marianne? Or was it Marianne that Oliver liked?
Noticing my troubled expression, Ruber tried to comfort me.
He also mentioned that Glothin never behaved this way with others, that he had good grades and a good attitude, and that Oliver was just so indulgent with him. He reassured me that they were still close, as friends…
Those words seemed like empty comfort.
“Well, such things are only known by the people involved, right? They’ve been together all their lives and will continue to be together.”
“…I’m worried that Marianne might be sad because of all this.”
“That’s… true…”
Unable to hide my troubled feelings, Ruber stood up, adjusting his clothes.
“Shall we go get something sweet?”
“…Huh?”
“I think it will make you feel a bit better.”
“Ah… well… yes.”
Since I wasn’t hungry yet, I nodded and agreed to take a walk.
We strolled through familiar streets. Last year, everything had seemed so new to me, but now everything looked familiar. I stopped briefly when I spotted a familiar pointed hat.
The magician who used to sell chick dolls was waving an elephant doll toward me with a cheerful face. I smiled and approached him.
There was a round, black object that looked just like the chick doll, and I gestured toward it.
“This one looks like you, Young Master.”
“Me? …This?”
“Yes.”
“This is a crow doll! Instead of chirping, it goes ‘caw-caw.’ If you press it three times, it sings a song.”
As before, the man knew how to sell his products.
The black, round object found its way into my hand. The soft, pliable texture was pleasant, just like before. After a few moments of fiddling with the doll, stretching its cheeks, Ruber quickly took out his wallet and paid for it.
Since I had planned to buy it, I didn’t refuse.
“Shall I buy one for you, Young Master?”
“…Hmm?”
“What would you like?”
“Well… I’d like it if Ernhardt Young Master chose.”
Ruber spent some time examining the items on the stall. I had gotten a bird doll, so I wanted to pick a four-legged animal doll for him, but nothing seemed quite right.
I pointed to a round, white bear doll with round ears.
“How about this?”
“Well… I like pink.”
“I thought you said you’d prefer me to choose.”
I handed Ruber the pink bear doll and paid for it.
We shared skewered chicken, eating the grilled meat from long sticks. We also had some ice desserts, crunchy with syrup and cream, which tasted sweet.
We walked side by side, looking at various things. While I enjoyed browsing magical artifacts, I was happier walking down the path Ruber was leading me on.
I couldn’t understand why he wanted to do so much for me, why he seemed so busy with everything.
Each time Ruber turned to smile at me, I couldn’t help but smile back.
We walked toward the square, where magic lights that seemed to be made of stars and moons twinkled in the sky. Some of the lights fluttered around on their own, while others hung from threads, twinkling and shimmering.
A beautiful melody echoed from far away, spreading through the air.
A woman, holding a stringed instrument in her arms, sat in the center of the square and sang. Every time her voice reached a high note, magical light particles cascaded down from the lights, falling gently on people’s heads and shoulders.
My senses were intoxicated by the sight and sound for quite some time.
Ruber gently slid his fingers into the palm of my hand.
It was only then that I realized we were standing among lovers, wrapped in each other’s arms, whispering sweet things. I couldn’t pull my hand away.
Even though I knew he wouldn’t hold my hand back, I gazed at him as he shyly touched my fingers with his, his ears turning red.
My heart sank, a weight pressing down on one side.
The person singing had changed. Since I remained silent, Ruber didn’t move either. He knew I was watching him, but still, he didn’t look back. On his head, light particles slowly gathered.
The melody still lingered in my ears, sweet yet strangely sharp. The palm of my hand felt hot, as if it had been burned, and it was sore.
In the dark of night, I lay alone in a dim room without even lighting a lamp.
I had no idea what state I was in when I returned. Though nothing had been particularly difficult, I felt exhausted.
The soft doll was still in my hand. Even though I squeezed it tightly, the crow doll’s awkward appearance, as it sank under pressure, didn’t make me smile.
I placed the doll on my chest and listened to the faint song of it again and again.
I recalled the pale face of the boy who had followed me all the way to the dormitory door, eagerly expressing how much he had enjoyed the day, his bashful face full of joy.
I was once again struck by disbelief. What I exhaled was not a laugh but a sigh.
It was embarrassing to remember how I had held his hand, wandering the night market, using the excuse of taking care of him.
Just last winter break, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t become so emotionally attached to Ruber, but I had no idea how it had happened.
Had I become this way because I was craving affection? I turned onto my side, squeezing the crow doll’s beak tightly.
Staring at the innocent doll, which was gently squashed in my hand, I rubbed the space between its tiny eyes with my thumb.
In this new land, everyone I met — the new family members and the new friends — had all treated me kindly. I understood the feeling of cherishing something so delicate, fearing it might fly away or break.
But was that really a feeling of a stranger?
Just like how I was closer to my maternal uncle than my father, I had grown closer to Ruber than the other children.
I thought of him as a capable, kind companion who would do well in the future, and I didn’t hesitate to ask for his help.
I never considered what kind of feelings he had for me.
“…Hah.”
The events of the day kept flooding into my mind, unwilling to leave.
The pale face of the boy, hesitating when we shared the skewered meat, was the first image to appear. I found his anxious, restless face, unable to decide whether to eat the ice or spit it out, utterly cute.
Even as I played with the doll that resembled him, naming it after my bear doll and pretending it was mine, I didn’t think it was strange.
Now that I thought about it carefully, Ruber had always been overly attentive to me.
He knew how much I cared for him, and he tried even harder to be endearing. He’d bring books and notebooks, staying by my side, chattering all day. Instead of showing off, he would act coy, wanting me to stroke his head.
I now realized that even the times he sulked when we hadn’t seen each other before vacation or the times he’d become upset when we couldn’t play together were all strange behaviors, though I hadn’t noticed it at the time.
When I had held the boy’s hand while getting off the carriage, I wondered what I had thought when Ruber refused to let go, making excuses. Now, as I walked holding his hand, his heart pounding in my ear, it seemed like I could still hear it in the dark of the night.
It became clear.
Ruber’s pale cheeks were beautiful, and so was his lovely voice. Even when he frowned, looking disappointed, it was still beautiful. When he smiled, his sparkling black eyes were adorable.
It was beautiful to see him trying so hard to complete everything in front of him, and it was also endearing how he would blush, embarrassed every time he saw me.
There was no way I wouldn’t find beauty in someone who was beautiful.
The thought that the boy had come to care for me settled heavily in my chest. It spread out and took up a large part of my heart. Suddenly, my throat felt dry. My chest tickled as if I was about to sneeze.
It was an absurd thought. I shook my head. The soft bed rocked like water.
Was this how Calypse felt when he looked at Walter?
Even though the boy was lovely and cute, he was still too young, and I feared he might get hurt. Worry filled me. I had already heard that Ruber had never been interested in anyone before.
What would he do, giving his first love to someone like me?
I was scared.
I was not the type of man who could easily get attached.
Even though I had heard the stories of love that the Sieron people held so dear countless times, they still felt foreign and awkward to me.
Moreover, it wasn’t just the bond between men and women, but the affection between people of the same sex, something I was clumsy with, even here on this land. How could someone who wanted to become an emperor feel this way?
Thinking of Ruber, who might be sad, already made my chest ache.
I remembered Walter Organ, that fool, who, when he had to walk the path of the warrior, hesitated and threw a tantrum, afraid of losing love.
The boy seemed pathetic and pitiable, but when I saw his face lit with happiness, I couldn’t help but feel a little envious.
If I had been my past self, I would have scolded him harshly. With a great crisis looming, I would have mocked him for whining about such small matters.
But this time, I didn’t feel that way at all.
I pulled the blanket over my shoulders, the soft, light duvet filled with down feathers, snugly enveloping my body, warm and comforting.