SWNOVELXO Chapter 1 - Suicide
Chapter 1 – Suicide
Humans are creatures obsessed with the past.
Such humans all think they want to go back.
And I regress every time I die.
My first life ended in a truck accident on the way to an outing.
This second life also failed when I was miserably rejected after having a one-sided love for a woman.
In short, until now, I’ve lived a pathetically miserable life, like having a mouthful of sweet potato stuck in my throat.
I need to go back.
I’m still young now, but it’s a life where the woman I so desperately yearned for has left.
I must now make a choice.
That choice is suicide.
If I can go back to a younger age in this life, I will grasp everything in my hands.
I won’t fail anymore, and I’ll enjoy and achieve everything I want to enjoy.
Because I don’t want to die again after just struggling through life like in my previous life.
I head to the Han River to commit suicide.
This is a gamble with my life at stake.
Anyone who sees this would click their tongue and call me a crazy psycho bastard.
My determination is already complete.
Now, dreaming of my new third life, I stretch my front legs toward the distant Han River.
… … … … … … … …
… … … … … … … ….
***
When I came to, a familiar sight entered my eyes.
Si-un raised his upper body while scanning his surroundings.
‘Did it work?’
It was as expected.
The place where he woke up was his room.
This clearly isn’t heaven, and it’s not hell either.
He carefully placed his feet on the floor.
The distinct sensation through his heels!
‘It worked. No, ‘regressed’ would be the right expression.’
Thud thud- he walked to the full-length mirror.
‘It’s really true. This fresh face of twenty-three… Good.’
The face reflected in the mirror is fascinating.
Elastic skin without a single fine wrinkle. Eyes that shine with youthful vigor. Eyes that were once dull are now full of life.
Short hair that indicates it hasn’t been long since his military discharge.
Full of vitality due to his young age.
Twenty-three years old, just discharged from the military.
Honestly, he was anxious before throwing himself off the bridge railing at Han River.
Worried that if he died like this, everything might really end.
A successful gamble brought the euphoric pleasure of elation.
However.
An alien pain arose in my head.
A groan escaped involuntarily.
It felt like something was squeezing my temples.
“…Agh!”
My eyes suddenly stung terribly.
I’ve experienced headaches in my life.
But this pain, like my skull was being crushed, was a first.
‘…What’s wrong? Something’s off from the start?’
Along with the headache, memories of my pathetic past life flashed through my mind.
Past life.
The days I was hurt and drowned in alcohol, sobbing-
The days I disappointed someone I loved and barely stayed alive-
Living without ever having a proper job until thirty-four,
Even the memories of having to commit suicide overlapped and unfolded in my mind.
Could it be that the stress from my past life still remained in my mind?
‘This kind of pain will subside soon.’
Now I’m young, twenty-three years old.
An age where I could digest stones if I had to swallow them.
This life, I will never fail.
You think suicide is easy?
I can’t die anymore.
But even after several hours, the pain showed no signs of subsiding.
Drip.
Cold sweat trickled down beneath my eyebrows.
I couldn’t focus my vision properly.
I immediately went to the living room.
The empty house.
My parents were at work as dual-income earners, and my sister Si-un had left for Australia after meeting a wealthy man.
Si-un became frightened.
‘I died with such determination… why is this happening right after I wake up…’
Could something be wrong with my body as a side effect of the regression?
Suddenly, I remembered the moment I threw myself off the bridge in my past life.
That pain when my body met the pitch-black Han River water with tremendous pressure….
As that memory came back, my eyes hurt even more!
“Aaagh.”
I pressed my eyes.
I reached for the table, fumbling around until I managed to grab my wallet.
‘This won’t do.’
I need to go to the hospital.
I quickly changed into outdoor clothes.
Then I stopped for a moment.
It had been so long that, even in this pain, I carefully observed the unfamiliar home environment.
On his desk were books about Hunters and game packs based on Hunter motifs.
‘Back then, it was just a vague dream. Being a Hunter…’
Being a Hunter was an unattainable dream and an object of admiration.
I wanted so desperately to become a Hunter.
But it was just a vague dream.
While looking around the familiar room, I suddenly remembered the day my first life came to an end.
A day I could never forget.
‘Was it around mid-August?’
***
A summer trip with friends to escape the heat.
Si-un was excited thinking about Haeundae Beach, which would be full of refreshing ocean views and women in bikinis.
‘Ah shit… The traffic is terrible today.’
‘Are you that desperate to get there quickly, Si-un?’
‘Anyway, Si-un, we’re counting on you. You’re the only one among us who can charm the bikini-clad ladies. Look at these guys’ faces… Do you think they stand a chance?’
Seung-hoon said while scanning his friends’ faces with a grimace.
The congested highway finally started to clear.
‘Finally clearing up. Let’s step on it.’
Si-un smiled as he pressed the accelerator.
Bang! Baaang-!
A sudden horn blast.
A truck suddenly swerving out of its lane and charging toward Si-un’s car.
I involuntarily closed my eyes at the flash of headlights!
There wasn’t even time to scream.
Then came the major collision.
My vision distorted, and my eyes closed as a numbing pain shot through my spine.
This was the final moment of my first life.
‘Urghh…’
Another groan escaped.
Remembering that moment when my duodenum twisted made my headache worse.
Unbearable pain.
I just collapsed.
The pain becomes hazy as I take a moment to steady my breathing.
‘Phew…’
I thought my young life would end meaninglessly with that accident.
But when I regained consciousness, I had returned here.
Right after being discharged from the military!
However, his education level was only high school graduation.
Si-un, born into a poor family, wanted to make money.
A Hunter – more respected in society than lawyers, judges, or doctors.
He wanted to become a Hunter.
Desperately.
Painfully.
‘I’ve admired Hunters since long ago. I can do it. I will definitely become a Hunter.’
The Hunter qualification exam, said to be more competitive than law school or medical school.
He poured his heart and soul into passing it for several years.
He really tried his best.
Because he needed a respectable profession to win her.
However, the result was…
Failed the first written test.
He didn’t give up and kept trying, but with the same result.
‘I tried so hard…’
He despised ordinary jobs.
He thought such meager salary-man wages couldn’t support his debt-ridden family.
He desperately wanted to become a Hunter and restore his failing household.
So desperately.
However.
Devastated by his failure, Si-un lived in alcoholism.
‘Si-un. Mom is having such a hard time because of you. Please live like a proper person.’
‘…’
Si-un snapped to his senses at his mother’s earnest plea through tears.
‘I can’t end my second life like this.’
Hunter – a profession everyone in the world admires.
That dream of becoming a Hunter wasn’t a dream for him, but an unattainable delusion.
‘For my family’s sake, I should give up and try something I can actually do.’
And what did he try then?
Level 7 administrative civil servant.
He steeled his resolve once again and studied.
However, after 3 years, 4 years, past his thirties, though he passed the written test, he always failed at the interview.
Despite trying his absolute hardest…
Damn it. Those who aren’t meant to make it won’t make it even if they’re reborn.
And so, at age thirty-four.
The day he received his final rejection notice.
Though still young in years, she left him.
Then came that desperate thought.
That extreme thought was suicide.
Carrying his anxiety, he headed to Banpo Bridge.
Could I really go back? Please!
Si-un threw himself into the rushing river waters under the bridge with tears in his heart.
Despite being only in his thirties, still young.
A life-risking gamble for a new life!
The result?
It was successful.
And thus, his third life came to be.
This precious third life that began this way.
These eyes that are strangely becoming painful.
“This is driving me crazy…”
The headache is gone, but my eyes are painfully aching.
He immediately rushed out of his house, took a taxi, and arrived at the hospital.
In the hospital waiting room.
“Mr. Lee Si-un. Please come in.”
Si-un followed the nurse’s guidance into the examination room.
“Mr. Lee Si-un? What brings you here?”
The doctor asked while fidgeting with his glasses.
“My eyes are burning and hurting so much…”
Click!
The doctor examined Si-un’s eyes, shining a light here and there.
“Let’s have you take a few tests first.”
***
“Hmm…. Let’s see.”
The doctor was reading the test results chart with narrowed eyes.
Anxiously, he asked.
“Doctor, it’s nothing serious, right?”
“Just a moment. Let me look at the chart.”
Si-un waited nervously at the doctor’s calm voice.
The doctor scanned the test results chart and tilted his head.
“What’s this? This can’t be right…”
The doctor’s words made his heart sink.
‘What does he mean it can’t be right?’
The doctor kept fidgeting with the chart containing Si-un’s test results.
“Um.. Mr. Lee Si-un.”
The doctor’s voice trembled as he called Si-un.
“…This can’t be. The results are unbelievable. We need to run the tests again.”
“What?”
He couldn’t understand what the doctor was saying.
The doctor telling him to take the tests again for accurate results.
He took the tests again.
And.
I came back into the examination room.
The doctor, paying no attention to my entrance, was staring at the chart with a serious expression.
‘Is it really that serious?’
I wanted to urge the doctor to tell me the results quickly, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak.
This is my third life already.
I don’t have the courage to throw myself under the bridge again.
If words like ‘blindness’ or whatever come out of the doctor’s mouth, I’m screwed.
Please.
I desperately waited for his lips to part.
Breaking the silence, the doctor spoke.
‘Um… would you like to look at this?’
Rustle.
The doctor held out two charts close enough for Si-un to see.
‘The chart on the right shows a normal person’s optic nerve, and the chart on the left shows your optic nerve, Mr. Si-un.’
Si-un looked back and forth between the two charts.
‘How can these two be so different? The left one is my optic nerve?’
The optic nerve in the right chart was symmetrical and of appropriate size.
However… the optic nerve in the left chart looked very strange.
‘My optic nerve is extremely asymmetrical compared to the right one. Plus, it’s swollen like a pumped-up muscle…’
Even to Si-un, who had no medical knowledge, it looked too abnormal.
It was understandable why the doctor had been so perplexed.
He asked urgently again.
‘Why is it like this? It’s not like I’m going blind or anything like that, right?’
‘Ah, well…’
The doctor’s voice trembled severely.
Like someone who had seen a ghost.
The doctor’s closed lips opened with difficulty.
‘…In my decades of practicing medicine, I’ve never seen a case like this. No, there hasn’t been any reported case of an optic nerve like this in any foreign medical literature.’
Whaaaat? What on earth does that mean? Hey, mister..