Kiss the Ground

“Aha.”“So, it’s emptiness.”Cahill, who lightly acknowledged, lifted his body slightly and moved closer to the opposite side of Misha. His face, nodding, was filled with a sparkling gaze.“It’s not about the game, is it?”Maybe choosing this person was a mistake. But once he started speaking, he couldn’t stop.“I thought things would change when I got this far… I thought I would understand something once I achieved all my goals.”“Yeah.”“But now I don’t know even more. I don’t know what to do, what I can do, or where I should go.”“I see.”“I, I just… what should I…”What should I use as my driving force to live?He wanted this position more than anyone. Not just a position where he could only look at the screen from thousands of kilometers away or a position where he could only look up at him on the screen, but the innermost core of the concentric circles closest to Yoon Chahyun. A place so close that he couldn’t get any closer. This position, where he stands now, was the long-cherished dream and wish of his short life up until now.It was a place he never imagined he could actually reach. So Misha’s position was nothing short of a great honor and noble fortune. He should be happier and more satisfied than anyone.But why does he feel more empty than ever?“A person?”Cahill narrowed his eyes slightly and asked. He didn’t respond, but it seemed that was enough for him. The leader leaned back slightly and clasped his hands on the table.“Yeah, anything is fine. To be honest, I’m impressed.”“What?”“I knew you weren’t interested in this, but I didn’t know you were so passionate about it.”“……”“It was a very fiery speech. Almost moving.”“Hah.”He felt strangely drained. Regret rose within him for confiding in someone he couldn’t trust in a moment of frustration. Moreover, the words that had come out were ones he hadn’t even organized in his mind.“Emptiness.”Misha inadvertently turned his gaze to where Yoon Chahyun was. He was laughing at a joke someone had made, putting a French fry in his mouth. His relatively thin lips were glistening with salt, and the white teeth inside were moving finely. As always, he was surrounded by his colleagues.“What do I want?”He thought he’d be satisfied if he received the same name as them. Because not many people in the world have even received that permission. But if even that unique privilege felt empty, what kind of relationship did he want with Yoon Chahyun? Friendship? Love? Unity? Does he want to become completely one with him?But Yoon Chahyun is someone who can’t be like that. Yoon Chahyun is…Misha, who was staring blankly at the bulging cheeks, suddenly felt as if cold water had been poured over him and turned back to the person sitting across from him. As expected, Cahill had been staring at Misha’s face all along. His dark eyes were fixed on him without a single movement.Did he realize who he was looking at? Misha unknowingly straightened his neck, but Cahill spoke lightly instead.“I understand the feeling of emptiness even after achieving your goal. And I know what that is.”“…What is it?”“It’s frustration.”An unexpected sound shook his head. Feeling as if his brain was trembling, Misha opened his eyes blankly.“Your goal was lower than your desire. You’re feeling empty because you think you’ve reached the end without meeting your heart’s expectations.”“No… I’m different from that.”“You drew the line too low. It’s a mistake made by people who don’t know their own potential.”Cahill leaned back in his chair. His hard chin turned to the side, looking somewhere. It was the same place Misha had looked at a moment ago.“You’re sharing such passionate concerns with me, but have you never thought about your desires?”This time, there was no rebuttal. But his pounding heart was desperately trying to convey something.Desire.Has he never truly desired Yoon Chahyun? Has he never satisfied his physical desires while looking at him? Can he still assert that the emptiness that fills his chest like an empty house, the simmering feeling that has grown hotter as he ages… can he still assert that it’s just the immature curiosity of a 9-year-old wanting to see tears? Can he confess that it’s pure admiration and love?Misha put the fork down on the table. The thin iron rod felt as heavy as rebar. The clanging sound sharply split the space between Misha and Cahill Love. But the sharper voice that followed was next.“If you’ve reached the end, Misha.”“……”“Now cross the line.”Pale green eyes reflected Misha’s face. The gaze was like a deep swamp. But in the gap where time and space seemed to silence, Cahill suddenly smiled gently.“If you resolve your concerns, you’ll play well in tomorrow’s game. You’re an excellent player.”This year, let’s reach the finals. As if the counseling until now was a trivial matter, the topic instantly changed to tomorrow’s game against Umbertide. Cahill picked up the fork Misha had put down. The sharp end skillfully picked up the salad on Misha’s plate and was immediately offered to Misha.The green, soft leaves were skewered on the fork. Misha stared at the fork in front of him for a long time.And in the end, he grabbed it.The last match of the group stage, the second match against Umbertide, was practically a win. With both a high point tally and win rate, Winchester was securely at the top of the group, making it obvious even to amateurs that they would advance to the round of 16. Arrogance is the least permissible emotion in sportsmanship, but Winchester United F.C. had an exceptionally good season.Just before the game started, Saint Britton Stadium was filled with a pleasant vibration. The spectators in the stands and the players themselves seemed unusually relaxed. The movements of the players changing from their training gear to their uniforms were lively.“Ah… I partied too hard yesterday. My core feels weak…”“Who the hell parties the night before a game?”Kaya, standing next to Misha, leaned his forehead against the locker, groaning. Since he had disappeared somewhere during the team dinner, it was obvious he had enjoyed himself alone. Adrian, clicking his tongue beside him, looked at Misha.“And you? Did you have some fun yesterday?”“Just a little. I had dinner and went home.”“Good job. Don’t learn from this. Many guys have ended up ruined while living abroad.”Adrian gestured towards Kaya, slumped against the wall. Misha slightly raised the corners of his mouth and put on his uniform top.There’s no way I could learn such a thing. Even without trying, my mind was already a mess, like a spider web.“We’re heading out in 20 minutes. All players who have changed into their uniforms, please come out to the front and line up!”A staff member with a sweaty forehead poked his head out from the door. The blush on his cheeks showed the tension just before the game. At the sudden rush, Kaya wobbled to his feet. Most of the other players had already changed into their uniforms.The game was imminent. Misha finished dressing, adjusted his uniform, and mingled with the other players in the hallway.Winchester United’s staff, Umbertide’s staff, and the league’s preparation committee members were preparing for the game here and there. With 20 minutes left, there was still quite a bit of time until the match. The long-awaited hopeful game seemed to make everyone anxious.As he stood in line amid the bustling noise, Misha stared blankly ahead. Out of habit, honed over a lifetime, his eyes naturally found a particular person.‘Yoon Chahyun.’About six people ahead of him, he could see Yoon Chahyun’s back. His solid back stood near the entrance.Yoon Chahyun was holding the hand of an escort kid who barely came up to his waist. The child, having gotten to hold the hand of their desired player, was talking enthusiastically to Yoon Chahyun with an excited face. Yoon Chahyun nodded in response to the child’s chatter, occasionally patting the kid’s head. The intense gaze the child directed at their idol was familiar to Misha.Do I have the same look in my eyes?Standing in the bright light, his silhouette was slender and strong, sometimes reminding Misha of a powerful and agile bird of prey. A being that soared through the sky at will, a noble and beautiful bird that couldn’t be grasped by hand. The back of his head, still, showed no sign of turning towards where Misha stood.Misha clenched his fists, feeling lost, and muttered to himself.‘I don’t want to play.’He didn’t want to be in the same space as Yoon Chahyun.But once again, he had no choice. If he wasn’t a teammate running on the field, Yoon Chahyun would no longer pay attention to him. He wouldn’t even be allowed to look at his back like he was now. It was ironic and almost laughable how he now wanted to distance himself from someone he had longed to get closer to.His head throbbed painfully. The unfamiliar pain, like a needle stabbing inside his eyes, was something he’d been experiencing more frequently whenever he faced Yoon Chahyun. Not only his mind but also his body might be deteriorating. Misha pressed his eyelids with his fingers and took a deep breath.It was then that he felt someone’s presence approaching. A dark shadow fell over his face, and Misha turned his head.“Misha, your shoelace is untied.”It was a sudden comment. Cahill, dressed in training clothes, stood beside Misha with a gentle smile. As Misha frowned, he noticed the slight narrowing of Cahill’s eyes through his dark hair.“We have some time, so why don’t you go back to the locker room and fix it? You can also grab some water. Relax a bit.”“…”“Go on.”In the noisy hallway, their eyes met. It was a sly yet considerate suggestion. The gaze, as if knowing everything about his situation, made him angry, but he couldn’t refuse the offer.Misha nodded slowly and left the line, heading alone to the locker room.The locker room, empty of all the players who were going to play, was quiet. The silence in the usually bustling place felt both awkward and comforting. Misha looked around the quiet locker room from the entrance and then walked slowly inside.He sat on the bench along the edge, bending one leg. He thought it was a break generously given by someone who knew the situation, but he noticed his shoelace was indeed untied. He had tied it tightly before, so how did it come undone? As he retraced his memory, Misha grabbed the laces with both hands.He had tied it so tightly. He thought it was fine.All along, from the dinner last night, it had been like this. Like scraping the mud from the bottom of the water, his heart was clouded with murky things. The pieces swirling around, making it impossible to see a step ahead, were not the emptiness or loneliness that had filled the depths of his chest. But they were much worse.“Frustration…”That’s what Cahill had diagnosed him with.But satisfaction and dissatisfaction were not up to Misha to decide. Misha’s desires depended solely on Yoon Chahyun. Even knowing the name of his illness, Misha had no way to treat himself. He could only stake everything on the occasional grace that Yoon Chahyun showed him. Just like a child delighted with just holding hands…Misha tightened his grip on the laces. A strange, resonant voice echoed in his head.“Cross the line?”Did he mean to confess his feelings to Yoon Chahyun? To say that he’s been looking at him for years, that he’s followed him this far? That he desires and wants him? To ask him to look at him, to recognize him?But what would come after that? Misha Asplund had no experience or knowledge. He didn’t know what would remain after fully expressing this unfamiliar emotion, which he wasn’t even sure was love. What should he demand, and what should he be demanded in return? The suffocating ignorance left him in the dark. Misha hunched over and endured the sharp pain that flashed through his mind again.***At that moment, the sound of someone entering the locker room was heard. The sharp noise of something metallic scraping the floor indicated that it was a player wearing soccer cleats. Misha didn’t want to engage in a pointless conversation by showing a teammate his poor condition.Misha widened his eyes and lifted his head. Almost simultaneously, the glass door opened. The person standing at the hallway entrance was the last one he wanted to see at that moment.“What’s going on, Misha? Still getting ready?”Surprised to find someone in the room everyone had left, Yoon Chahyun showed a slightly startled expression before stepping into the locker room with light footsteps. He glanced around before walking straight over to Misha. Misha couldn’t answer the question and instead responded with another question.“What are you doing here?”“Cahill suggested I get some drinks. I thought I might grab some towels too before the game.”That bastard…But before he could curse silently, Yoon Chahyun approached. Misha saw the slight sway of Yoon Chahyun’s black hair over his forehead. The soft and smooth strands moved naturally with each curious tilt of his head.“Fixing your shoelaces? Now?”“…Yeah. They came undone while I was standing in line.”“How’d that happen? How did you tie them?”Without waiting for an answer, Yoon Chahyun bent down and looked at Misha’s foot resting on the bench. Such attention was rare these days—what might have felt like luck yesterday now seemed like misfortune to Misha.“If you don’t tie them properly, you’ll have trouble on the field. It’s basic.”“You’re right… Maybe I didn’t tie them tight enough.”Misha stiffened and leaned back slightly. However, Yoon Chahyun, seemingly unaware of the tension, leaned in closer. Just as the faintly bitter scent brushed past Misha’s nose, Yoon Chahyun uttered something even more shocking.“Want me to do it?”Without waiting for a refusal, Yoon Chahyun bent down in front of Misha.He lowered his straight back and, as if to support his balanced body, knelt on one knee, so the back of his head was suddenly beneath Misha’s eyes. He had never looked down at him from such a low angle before. Shocked by the unexpected move, Misha made a sharp sound.“What are you doing?”“Give me your foot.”With a nonchalant expression, Yoon Chahyun tapped his other knee, signaling Misha to put his foot on it. Realizing what the gesture meant, Misha felt chills all over. As he shook his head stiffly, Yoon Chahyun suddenly grabbed Misha’s ankle.“Wait.”The hesitation was drained from his body. Gently holding Misha’s foot, he placed it on his knee. Unable to believe that his foot was resting on someone else, Misha muttered in a metallic voice.“Yoon, I can do it myself.”“There’s a technique to it. Let me show you.”Yoon Chahyun gently pulled on the laces held by Misha. The shoes fit snugly to his feet, leaving no extra space yet not causing any pain.“You have big, nice feet. Like Cinderella.”Yoon Chahyun muttered to himself with a smile. The sharp studs on his soccer shoes pressed into his knee, but he made no complaints.As Yoon Chahyun focused on tying the laces, a silence fell over the room. Even his own breathing felt loud in the quiet, and Misha’s body felt hot, despite not having played the game yet. Misha held his breath and looked down at Yoon Chahyun.“Look, you first grab these loops on both sides and cross them over. This part’s the same as a regular knot. You thread them through here…”The cleanly groomed almond-shaped nails gripped the laces. Yoon Chahyun’s fingers were long and firm. Misha could see the knuckles, joints, and thin blue veins on the back of his hands shifting with each movement.“Then you pull this knot…tight.”His gaze followed the wrist bone, jutting out like pebbles, up along the arm. He wore a rash guard under his uniform due to the cooler temperature following the rain. The white fabric clung to his arms, elbows, broad shoulders, and the slight, smooth curve of his chest. His neck peeked out from the narrow uniform collar… and then his face.“…,…,…”He had a sharp jawline, yet it gave off a sleek impression. His voice, deeper and more resonant than one might expect from his appearance, was distinct. His nose and ears were well-defined, with a pleasant shape that left an impression after a glance. Not a single feature was faintly drawn on his face.Misha slowly traced his cheek and moved his eyes to the side, and more to the side… until they met Yoon Chahyun’s black eyes, which had been quietly watching him the whole time.Misha involuntarily gasped. A moment that felt like an eternity passed. The sharp black eyes looked at Misha’s stunned gray eyes and then formed a subtle smile.“Give me your other foot. Hurry up.”“Oh!”Startled, Misha hurriedly switched feet, causing Yoon Chahyun to chuckle a little. Unlike when his foot was reluctantly grabbed, he now extended his leg quickly.“Sorry. I was just… thinking about something else.”“You can’t be daydreaming when I’m giving you tips.”Yoon Chahyun said, pretending to be troubled. It was obvious that he had noticed Misha observing his face. Misha lowered his stiff neck, staring down at his soccer laces being tied, and eventually, a low voice fell.“Are you nervous? Right now.”“Well…”Misha slowly raised his eyes. What was hidden in that question? Did something leak out, something he had been pondering for so long, through the brief moment their gazes connected?“You know, about the game later. You seem different today. When I met you at the dinner yesterday, you were your usual self.”“Ah… yeah, I was a bit nervous.”Relieved yet feeling a faint sense of bitterness, Misha couldn’t help but think he sounded like someone hoping to be caught. Yoon Chahyun, seeming to interpret the silence as agreement, continued speaking as he finished tying the knot.“If we win today, we make it to the round of 16. It’s understandable for young players like you to feel nervous. I was the same way back then. Big matches are intimidating.”“I’m not young.”At Misha’s unintended retort, Yoon Chahyun lifted his head, eyes wide. Misha quickly followed up.“Stop calling me young.”“There you go again! Getting upset about being called young just proves you are.”“Chahyun…”Yoon Chahyun laughed heartily. Misha, about to argue further, stopped and fell silent. It had been a while since he’d seen Yoon Chahyun’s face this close.Yoon Chahyun had a habit of smiling as if he were grimacing. His stern eyes softened, forming small wrinkles on the bridge of his nose. He lightly tapped Misha’s soccer shoes, now neatly tied, and whispered.“Not young, huh? But here I am, tying your shoes for you.”His voice, still tinged with laughter, and his gentle touch brought a wave of déjà vu. Back when Yoon Chahyun still took care of Misha, he would make jokes like this, smiling alone while filling the silence. They had shared a few meals, gone to pubs on the outskirts of town, and wandered the streets of London without any particular purpose.And in those brief moments, Misha Asplund suddenly realized:I can love someone too.And I’ll probably never stop.The realization terrified him. The endless emotion, stretching from past to future, and the fear of what he might do with it. So, he decided to stay within Yoon Chahyun’s circle, locking away his love inside himself like a still, unmoving ornament…As Misha sat there dazed, Yoon Chahyun stood up and extended a hand to him.“Time to get up, Cinderella. You need to be on the field by midnight.”This time, Misha couldn’t argue with the joke. As he slowly placed his hand on Yoon Chahyun’s firm one, Yoon Chahyun gripped his wrist and pulled Misha to his feet. His strong gaze took in Misha’s face once more.“Listen, I’ll tell you what to do when you’re scared on the field.”His dark eyes held a playful yet trusting look. Standing in the center of the locker room, still holding Misha’s hand, Chahyun clearly declared:“Pass to me. No matter where or how, I’ll take it and turn it into a goal.”“…What?”“Trust me. I’ll even mention your name in the post-game interview.”Yoon Chahyun laughed, clearly satisfied with his own joke, as he patted Misha’s shoulder and straightened his clothes. The wrinkles in Misha’s shirt, caused by bending over, were smoothed out by familiar hands. Once Misha looked presentable enough to face the crowd, Yoon Chahyun spoke in a quiet, steady voice.“The scarier it gets, the more you need to go for it. You can score today.”Misha opened his mouth, then slowly asked,“How can you be so sure?”“I just know.”The seriousness in Yoon Chahyun’s face, free from any trace of laughter, faced Misha. His tightly pressed lips moved without hesitation.“Think about who tied your shoes.”A strong grip tightened around their joined hands. It felt as if Yoon Chahyun was holding Misha’s heart, controlling every beat, every flow of blood. The sensation consumed Misha.Unconsciously, Misha nodded. Yoon Chahyun tugged on Misha’s hand, leading him towards the exit of the locker room. As Misha followed step by step, Yoon Chahyun spoke with golden-etched words:“If you’re ready, let’s go win this.”The strong yet gentle pull drew Misha closer to Chahyun. It was always like this. Misha Asplund seemed destined to be drawn towards Yoon Chahyun.As the dark glass doors slid open, the noise burst in like a switched-on radio. It was a different world from when they were isolated in the corner. Following Chahyun out the door, Misha felt something breaking inside him. Like a dropped glass thermometer shattering, the self-imposed limits scattered into the air.His desires and expectations, once limited, slowly aligned on a single line. As Misha stepped towards the doorway, he inhaled deeply. He felt like a bird, once dried and preserved, now breathing in oxygen and slowly spreading its wings. The beating of his heart matched the flapping of those wings.Among the distant noise calling them, his tightly laced soccer shoes stepped over the threshold between the room and the hallway, and then…Misha Asplund decided to cross the line.