Just A Friend

#1

“Shall we break up?”

Us. There was no need to add anything after that. We weren’t close enough to be called “us” anymore, and Kang Jihan probably knew that too. So I didn’t bother listing the reasons.

Only then did Kang Jihan look at me. The response to his long-time lover’s suggestion to break up was such a dry gaze. Nam Seonwoo smiled bitterly.

“Sorry. I misspoke.”

Kang Jihan looked at me as if I was pathetic. The slight furrowing of his brow, barely noticeable, was an old habit of his. Whenever he was uncomfortable, he would close his mouth and just look at me like that. Since high school.

The sudden memory of our school days was triggered by Kang Jihan’s white coat. Kang Jihan in his pristine white summer uniform, glaring at his workbook. And now, the 34-year-old Kang Jihan, who had been looking down at his chart for several minutes without even glancing at me.

Kang Jihan was aloof back then too. I liked that. In a time when everyone was legally allowed to be immature, I liked Kang Jihan, who was uniquely serious. My heart fluttered at his opposite demeanor, and I would hold my breath when his sharp gaze softened a bit.

But he wasn’t this dry back then.

When did it become like this? There was a bitter taste in my mouth.

Kang Jihan flipped through his chart again, as if my words weren’t even worth answering. Dr. Kang Jihan, specialist. The porridge next to his nameplate must have gone cold long ago. Nam Seonwoo gazed for a long time at the profile that didn’t look at either the envelope containing the porridge or the person who brought it. Then he corrected his earlier words.

“Let’s break up.”

It wasn’t a question of “Shall we break up?” to begin with. Thinking about it, it was quite a ridiculous thing to say. “Shall we break up?” sounds like someone who doesn’t want to break up. But I don’t have any lingering attachments anymore.

Yes, breaking up is the right thing to do. We’ve been dragging out an already decided answer for too long. Nam Seonwoo briefly pondered what to say as a final goodbye. “Take care?” Too cliché. Above all, I didn’t want him to be well. At least not for a while.

Kang Jihan’s gaze flew towards me. Still, he said nothing. A farewell that wasn’t cliché and contained no lies. After contemplating, Nam Seonwoo opened his mouth.

“Thank you.”

It was a carefully chosen farewell, but still trite. However, at least this was sincere. Thank you, Kang Jihan, for going along with my one-sided love, for playing along with this lovers’ game for such a long time.

I felt relieved. That’s why I think I smiled a little. I don’t remember what Kang Jihan’s expression was like. But I didn’t think I needed to know that anymore. After all, Kang Jihan didn’t follow me out when I left the hospital.

Nam Seonwoo turned the steering wheel and drove out of the underground parking lot. As the barrier rose, the vehicle recognition system displayed “External Vehicle.” From the day the hospital opened, Nam Seonwoo’s car had always been an external vehicle. That recognition system, which even registered the acquaintances of nurses as affiliates, was indifferent to Kang Jihan’s live-in partner.

“Goodbye to you too, you bastard.”

The recognition system silently lowered the barrier. True to Kang Jihan’s parking lot, it was cold until the end.

It was a misty day. It was all because of that fog. The sudden decision to break up today. The thought that even the view right in front of me was blurry, just like our relationship.

Fifteen years in total. It was such a long one-sided love. I smiled remembering Park Gyuhyeon’s words, saying it wasn’t “one-sided love” since we were dating. Bak-gyu, that was the impression of a friend who had witnessed fifteen years of my foolishness.

Of course, Nam Seonwoo had thought about that too. He had endured for years, comforting himself with such thoughts. Maybe Kang Jihan accepted my confession because he did like me a little, maybe I should understand because Kang Jihan is just not good at expressing himself.

Looking back, I just feel sorry for myself then. So it was indeed a one-sided love. But I have no regrets because I gave it my all.

The car smoothly sped down the road. Turning on the radio out of habit, a familiar announcer’s voice flowed out. I always turned on the radio because the usual silence in the car felt awkward, but I never really listened to it. Nam Seonwoo was always too focused on trying to gauge Kang Jihan’s mood beyond the heavy silence.

“You’ll need to be careful on your way to work. Dense fog since dawn in many parts of the country…”

First, I need to move out my things. My fingers tapped on the steering wheel. Annoyed by the tapping sound, I looked down and saw something glittering on my ring finger. Something Kang Jihan didn’t have on his finger. I felt I should remove this before moving out my things.

As I took my hand off the steering wheel at a red light, I heard a deafening crash.

Strangely, my body wouldn’t move. By the time I managed to blink, it felt like my body was floating. As the view through the cracked window tilted, an enormous impact hit my head.

“…We’ll bring you news of the series of traffic accidents… A triple rear-end collision on the beltway… Please refrain from going out if possible…”

The static noise was irritating. My head throbbed with the intermittently cutting radio and the dull ringing in my ears. I wanted to shake it off, but I couldn’t muster the strength in my neck.

The ring rolled away from my limp hand. Seeing the ring moving away, leaving a red trail, it finally sank in. That this hot liquid soaking me was my own blood.

“Ah.”

I saw the ring, which had hit something, spinning in place. At the same time, the ringing that felt like it was gnawing at my nerves stopped, and silence fell again.

Why does this damned car always fall into silence? I really hate the quiet. I felt like I was going crazy every time Kang Jihan closed his mouth. And now, even that bastard isn’t here, so why? The silence that came again was painful.

No, it wasn’t the car that was damned, it was Kang Jihan. Just when I finally cleaned up our relationship and was about to go my own way… I shouldn’t have gotten involved with that damned bastard in the first place.

The ring came to an abrupt stop. But it disappeared from view in an instant, kicked by people’s shoes. Despite the crowd of people that had gathered, my ears were still filled with silence.

But Kang Jihan is probably still my emergency contact. Ah, no. I changed it to Park Gyuhyeon. I changed it in a fit of anger because my busy boyfriend never answered his phone. That’s a relief.

But this really sucks. To think about that bastard until the very end.

The sight of people moving their mouths without making any sound was like a scene from a horror movie. I wished anyone would say something. Then maybe I’d feel a little less lonely.

Someone, please say something.

My eyelids felt heavy. Although my body felt heavily limp, the feeling of endlessly sinking somewhere was unpleasant. In his sinking consciousness, Nam Seonwoo kept mumbling. Asking someone to say anything.

“Why should I?”

My eyes snapped open. I wondered if this was how it would feel if someone suddenly pulled you out of water. As Nam Seonwoo remained dazed at the strange sensation, that clear voice from before came again.

“If you have nothing to say, get lost.”

For someone who pulled me out of the water, his words were a bit harsh. But it was familiar. That thorny tone, that deep voice that seemed to have weights attached to each syllable, and…

“What are you looking at?”

That rude gaze.

It was Kang Jihan. And he was wearing a pristine white school uniform. As my gaze lowered to the navy pocket on his chest, I saw his name embroidered in the same navy color.

“…Wow.”

It really is Kang Jihan. Nam Seonwoo muttered. This seemed like a God-given opportunity. An opportunity to at least punch that damn bastard’s face before I go. The deliberation didn’t last long. Nam Seonwoo immediately swung at Kang Jihan’s head.

Oh, that impact felt great.

The sound of the hit resonated satisfyingly. My palm tingled, the sensation was so vivid. Above all, Kang Jihan’s expression was quite a sight. After a few seconds of silence, Kang Jihan’s mouth moved.

“You, right now-“

“What, you bastard.”

This annoying furrowed brow. Do you know how much I’ve had to tiptoe around because of this? Nam Seonwoo poked Kang Jihan’s forehead with his fingertip.

“You rude bastard. Don’t live like this. You think there will always be a nice guy like me beside you to cater to your moods? You’ll die alone if you keep this up, you know?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at how his head was easily pushed by just one finger, offering no resistance.

“Oh, look at that expression. Listen, this is all advice that will be good for you. Instead of saying ‘thank you’ and taking it to heart, why are you glaring like that? Repeat after me, thank you-. Thank you for living with trash like me all this time.”

To be able to see that stupid face before I die. Now I had no regrets.

“Nam Seonwoo, you, you crazy bastard…”

Turning my head at another familiar voice, I saw Park Gyuhyeon with a pale face. The guys standing next to him were all familiar faces too. Only then could Nam Seonwoo figure out where this place was.

The rough desks and chairs, the metal lockers reminiscent of the gym lockers, the old air conditioner with a “Do Not Operate” sign stuck on it, the thick smell of boys’ sweat filling the air, and… Kang Jihan.