I want to become a killer

The days stretched on, each one bringing its own set of challenges, but also moments of quiet victory. I didn't expect it to be easy, and it wasn't. But with Mara by my side, and with the support of Dr. Callahan, I was learning to make peace with myself. It wasn't about erasing the darkness or pretending it didn't exist. It was about learning to live alongside it, to make choices despite it.

One afternoon, I was sitting in the small coffee shop near my apartment, sipping a black coffee that Mara had bought for me. I'd been trying to make a habit of getting out of the house, of being around people, even if it was just for a short time. I wasn't completely comfortable with it yet, but I was trying. I had to. This was part of it—reintegrating into the world that I had so long kept at arm's length.

As I stared out the window, lost in my thoughts, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to find a young man standing there, smiling sheepishly. His expression was familiar, but I couldn't place it right away.

"Uh, excuse me," he said, his voice a little nervous. "Are you... Psychobi?"

I blinked, trying to process the question. My heart skipped a beat. It was the first time someone had recognized me outside of my usual circle. "Yes," I replied, cautious. "That's me."

"I'm a fan of your work," he said quickly, his eyes bright with excitement. "I've been following your YouTube channel for a while. I'm really impressed with what you've been doing. The way you talk about, uh... psychology, and your thoughts on the human mind. It's fascinating."

My stomach tightened, and I instantly felt a pang of unease. My "work." It felt surreal to hear it like that. I wasn't exactly proud of the way I had used my platform, but I also knew it had helped me. It had allowed me to explore my thoughts and express the parts of myself I hadn't known how to articulate.

I forced a smile, trying to mask my discomfort. "Thanks. I'm glad you find it interesting."

The young man took a seat across from me, still beaming with enthusiasm. I felt a strange pressure in my chest. I wasn't sure what to say or how to respond. There were so many things I wanted to hide, to keep to myself, but I didn't want to come off as rude. I had learned to play the part of a "normal" person, and I didn't want to undo that progress now.

"So," he said, his voice lowering a bit, "I've always wondered—what drives someone like you? You seem so... different from everyone else. You're not afraid to confront the darker sides of human nature. I guess what I'm asking is, what do you think about, you know, morality and... choice?"

I hesitated. His words struck too close to home. Morality. Choice. I had spent so much time grappling with those concepts myself. But I couldn't be honest with him, not entirely. So, I answered as carefully as I could, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"I think," I said slowly, choosing my words with care, "that people make choices based on their experiences. What's moral to one person might not be to another. It's all a matter of perspective."

The young man nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. It's all about perspective, right? But what about the... darker choices? The ones that, you know, society doesn't really approve of?"

I felt the familiar pang in my chest, the old hunger stirring. My mind flashed to the things I had done, the paths I had walked. It was a dangerous line of questioning, and I knew it. But I didn't want to let my guard down completely.

"Some choices," I said, my voice soft, "are about power. And control. But in the end, everyone has to live with their choices, don't they? Even the darkest ones."

The young man seemed to be hanging on my every word, his eyes wide with fascination. I could tell he was trying to read between the lines, to understand me on a deeper level. I wasn't sure if I was ready to let anyone that close.

"Well," he said, standing up, "I'll let you get back to your day. But I just wanted to say thank you. Your thoughts have really helped me understand things better. You've got a lot of potential, Psychobi. I can tell."

I nodded, forcing another smile. "Thanks. I appreciate that."

As he walked away, I sat there for a long moment, the weight of the conversation settling in my mind. I wasn't sure if it had been a good idea to engage with him the way I did. I didn't know if I had crossed a line or if I had just answered honestly, in a way that made sense for me.

But one thing was clear: I had come a long way since the days when I had been so consumed by my own desires that I couldn't even function in the world. I wasn't the same person anymore. I was learning, slowly but surely, to separate myself from the darkness and to embrace a life that didn't revolve around the things I once thought I needed.

But the path ahead was still uncertain. I could feel the pull of the past lurking behind me, like a shadow I couldn't quite outrun. Every day was a choice, and every choice came with its own consequences. Would I be able to keep moving forward, or would the hunger one day consume me again?

I didn't have an answer. All I could do was keep going, one step at a time

.....

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