SWNOVELXO Chapter 16: You're In The Other Team?!
Ugh, what a strong light. Close the curtains, who's the bastard who opened the bedroom window? Bedroom window? I spring up at once.
Is the Countess here? Tell me, she's not, right? I look around. There's a wooden ceiling and a humble little room, similar to those medieval taverns you see in RPG campaigns. By any chance, did some nerds drag me to their table, and now I have to tolerate a DM's monologue about his world introduction? I don't have time for this!
I try to put one foot out, but barely have the strength to get up properly, so I just fall back onto the bed.
This place isn't familiar to me at all, even worse, it doesn't look anything like the neighborhoods near the palace or one of the Rings Districts... and why am I still wearing this stupid ripped dress? How annoying!
The door creaks, and I immediately start trembling. Is it Moriah with a syringe in each hand? No, it's... the protagonist himself. Great. I really wanted to see that idiotic smile of yours, wow, I'm loving seeing your face, look how happy my face is!
He even dares to smile with a tray in his hand. There's bread, fruit, even a pitcher of juice, and a small flower arrangement in the corner.
"Ah, thank heavens!" he says with that celestial gleam in his virgin knight's eyes. "I was worried. The miss fainted from the pollen yesterday, and your body took longer than normal to respond to my magic. How are you feeling?"
"Like I was run over by a horse, then by a bull, and then spit out by a llama," I say, rubbing my face. "Where am I?"
"At my residence."
Huh?
"I apologize for not getting your name, miss, but I didn't know where you lived, and it was dangerous to leave you unconscious around the Vandric property, so I thought it best to bring you here. I promise everything was handled with the utmost honor and discretion."
I look at him, look at my ripped dress, stuck to my skin like an extremely poorly executed wet kiss, and look at this cozy bed, realizing the worst: he carried me.
Carried me.
Leonhardt notices my look of absolute shock and breaks into a wide smile.
"Oh, and don't worry about the insectoid creature. The Countess was safely left in one of the rooms inside the mansion. She was unconscious but breathing well. I didn't allow anyone to approach her. Given her altered state, it was clearly a temporary outburst."
"'Insectoid creature'... Of course, because saying 'lady' is too much for the great hero's vocabulary, right?"
He frowns as if he doesn't understand the problem. Of course, he doesn't understand, he probably thinks everyone in the world was born with a noble title, a blessed sword, and a stick up their ass.
"If I may say so... you are very brave, miss. Throwing yourself into combat like that, even under the effect of toxins, was incredibly noble. I've never seen a maiden act with such bravery."
Ugh, what a slap in the face! I've never heard anyone call me "maiden" and have it sound so offensive, it's like a thorn aimed right at my heart! I sigh, forcing the most homicidal look possible, extending my hand and giving him the best middle finger stump I can manage. Go fuck yourself, man!
"Listen here, you bakery paladin... if you say that 'd' word one more time, I swear on the panties I'm not wearing that you gonna raise from this bed and make that tray have your face imprinted on it."
Leonhardt keeps his big idiot smile and starts blinking, for the first time in millennia understanding what a "threat" means.
"Ah... pardon me, miss. I didn't intend to offend."
"It's not 'miss' either, damn it!"
I flop back onto the pillow with a sharp groan. Wait, stop this crap, Darius, if you keep going, he'll actually think you're a girl! But my voice should give it away, right? Is he just too stupid?
In Sword of The Iron Maiden, it's mentioned that Leonhardt is a bit dim and prioritizes chivalry above all else, but treating me like a woman just because I'm wearing a dress is kind of... excessive.
I'm not the most masculine or muscular guy in the world, but anyone with a pair of working eyes would know I'm a man. How weird.
"Hey, can you see straight?"
"Huh? Now that you mention it, my vision isn't the best."
He rubs his eyes... why do that now if it won't fix anything, idiot? But I kind of get it. It's mentioned throughout the work that he's terrible at archery because he can't see things from afar, along with certain mentions about how he couldn't read signs.
You've got to be kidding me that the protagonist has vision problems, out of so many cheats, you're going to give him the myopia cheat? Disturbed author.
Hah. My head hurts, and so does my pride. Any remaining masculinity is gone. I thought I'd gained some balls for banging a crazy villainess, but I was sorely mistaken, this guy found a way to one-up me and screwed with what little I had left.
Leonhardt is still standing there, with that golden retriever look, wanting to please. He grabs the juice pitcher.
"Would you like some watermelon too? It's very sweet. I cut it myself."
"Give me that shit."
Leonhardt breaks into such a wide smile it looks like he's about to start singing country hymns and beating his own thighs. He rushes to grab the slice of watermelon with all the pomp of a fairy tale knight, extending the fruit with both hands, eyes sparkling.
My Supreme Divines, euhhh.
"Here you go, mis… cough, cough, here you go."
The correction almost kills me. He actually tried to learn. Look how cute, so lovely. Makes me want to kill him.
I grab the watermelon like a weapon of war. What I want to understand are two things: first, how the hell does someone cut something so perfectly that you can even see the split seeds? Second, how did all this come to happen, from the Countess thing to me being at the protagonist's house now? What a disaster, a huge disaster, honestly, I feel like dying of embarrassment.
"Thanks..." I mumble, I won't be ungrateful, but I prefer him not to hear.
"I'm glad you liked it." Son of a...! "I was worried about your condition. You slept soundly all night and and... well, snoring a bit, but charmingly."
Charming, charming, charming, charming.
Wait a minute.
Wait a fucking minute.
"Charming?"
The bastard keeps that damn angelic virgin smile. What the hell is this?
"Are you saying I... snore charmingly?"
"Oh, yes. It almost sounded like a tiny kitten purring."
"Are you messing with me?"
"No, I'm completely serious," he says, with the same tone he'd use to talk about defeating demons.
Okay. Breathe, breathe. Don't yell.
But... purring?
I'm going to lose my mind. I feel my eyes tremble and the veins in my forehead pop out. For a moment, I have the unique urge to commit a terrible homicide, and then a thought I never wanted to face sprouts in the back of my head.
Wait a second... you root for that team?!
Is that why you never hooked up with the main heroine of the story?!? Was that it?! I thought it was narrative incompetence, but you were literally running away from girls because you like... you like... dick?
"You're so annoying, you know that?"
Calm down, Darius. Just get away from this guy and everything will be fine.
"I've been told that before."
The bastard even dares to sit on the edge of the bed, straight as a post, in his usual pure-hearted knight's posture, but now everything seems suspicious.
That's it. I can't believe this is why the romance in the story was trash. The protagonist simply didn't like women! Yet the author insisted, forced the canonical couple, shoved a nonexistent heterosexual relationship down our throats...
Hah. Look at that, it all makes sense now.
But that doesn't improve my situation one bit. I'm still here, stinking, stuck in a ripped dress, feeling watermelon juice trickle down to my groin. And this idiot is still serving me as if I were a fallen princess.
"I'm going to take a bath." I get up, or at least I try to. The dress sticks to my skin again. Never again will I ever wear this fucking thing.
"Oh, of course! The bathroom is right next door. I've placed some clean towels and new clothes there, just in case. I thought you wouldn't want to wear... well, the dress again."
I look at him, then at the dress, and then back at him. He smiles.
I sigh.
"Disgusting."
"I would never dare to do such a thing, mis… cough, never."
For the first time, I see a little sweat trickling from his forehead. Apparently, he knows when he's on the verge of getting punched.
I drag myself to the bathroom on shaky legs, more afraid of this guy attacking me from behind while I'm defenceless, and he still murmurs, in a low, dreamy voice:
"What an admirable woman..."
Get out of here, man!
Now I have to deal with the character I hate most in the story... who's in love with me?!