I Don’t Want to be a Villainess

The story that Sua heard was amazing.

Because she was afraid of being excluded like that, Sua chose to bump into other people.

She kept trying to talk, and making an effort to get noticed, showing that she wanted to be friends.

She figured out what the other person liked while maximizing her own strengths at the same time.

As a result of that several times, Sua became one of the popular kids at school. She had at least one friend in her class and was so confident that she wouldn’t have to worry about starting alone even when she went up a year.

“But what was the reason you talked to me that day?”

It wasn’t like she got all of that for free. She approached those who excluded her, trying to befriend them regardless of whether they liked her or not.

That effort was certainly not short or easy.

Thinking about what I’d given up on after a brief struggle makes it even more so.

“…I just thought I had to.”

Sua was sitting on the bed, hugging her knees. She looked so desolate in that position.

“You thought you had to?”

When I tilted my head in confusion,

“…”

Sua, who had been silent, finally spoke up.

“When you were isolated, I was with my friends.”

“…”

“I knew. I knew you were being ignored by others. I knew you were being bullied too. After all, I was right in the middle of it.”

It wasn’t like Sua was the one leading the situation.

But looking back, she had been complicit. That could be interpreted as such.

The voice of Sua, who continued to speak, was trembling.

“I had no thoughts at all. I just thought it would be better to stay away because something scary would happen if other people talked to you. I was afraid that if I got close to you, all the relationships I had built would break.”

It was a reasonable assumption.

Even if it was just a rumor that my mother had done something crazy to those around her, the truth was, when Sua talked to me and tried to be friends, she quickly distanced herself from those around her.

“So, did you feel guilty about it?”

When I asked, Sua paused for a moment before nodding.

“And… maybe I won’t be forgiven for saying this.”

After saying that, Sua fell silent for a while.

As I persistently waited, she finally opened her mouth and spoke in a slightly shaky voice.

“I think I admired you.”

“Admired?”

That was the most incomprehensible thing I had heard from Sua today.

Admired? Could she really think such things even after seeing my situation?

But at the same time, it was an interesting story.

In fact, I had gotten to the point where I didn’t care much about the situation around me. Anyway, when I spoke, there was no response, so I chose to completely ignore it as well.

And that became some sort of unwritten rule, creating an invisible wall between me and the kids sitting around.

I didn’t think they were good people. In fact, I hated them. They were the ones who caused my situation.

But for my past self, the most important thing had always been the relationship with my mother.

The reason I was alive without dying was that I wanted to meet my mother, and I had decided to die to attract her attention because she was the only witness that connected me to this world.

Seeing that, Sua said she felt admiration. I was a bit curious about what exactly that feeling was.

Thinking that my questioning might stir anger, Sua after a slightly longer silence than before slowly began to speak.

“Because despite being bullied, you were always so confident.”

It wasn’t confidence; it was simply a lack of interest.

“And that day, it wasn’t that I rejected your words—”

We took a photo together.

Yeah, if it were the ‘usual me’, or the ‘me’ from that time.

If I hadn’t chosen death or failed at dying.

I probably wouldn’t have done that.

As I always had, I would have just ignored and passed by. To me, Sua was nothing.

Just like I was nothing to others.

“But the me at that time wasn’t me.”

I muttered quietly.

“….”

Sua nodded silently.

“I thought you just tolerated the pain from others without a care. Unlike me, who was trying to escape no matter what.”

That was wrong.

I had never endured. I was just trying to ignore it.

And ultimately, I couldn’t endure at all. Because I died.

…No.

I failed at that too, thanks to someone.

Now, I was thankful for it.

“….Sorry.”

“….”

I knew that apology was the correct one for me to receive.

I had known it with my head, just like Yang Hye-in’s apology. Honestly, considering how she treated me, it would be better to accept her apology on the same level as Yang Hye-in.

So that the other party wouldn’t feel the worth of their apology.

That was the closest kind of revenge I could muster.

But, strangely, I didn’t want to do that.

No, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to accept the apology.

Rather, I didn’t want to accept it at all.

…It wasn’t that I hated Sua for that.

It was just that I realized how wrong Sua had been, and it didn’t really touch my heart.

I knew too. This was a biased judgment.

Yang Hye-in also tried to help me in her own way and apologized first. I could somewhat feel the emotions generated from her apology.

Yet, strangely, I didn’t want to place Sua and Yang Hye-in in the same category.

“….”

I wondered why.

“….Hold on.”

Sua was trying to adjust her posture. If my guess was right, she seemed ready to kneel.

…But somehow, I didn’t want that.

Not rationally, but emotionally.

“….Hmm.”

After a while of pondering, I finally sighed deeply.

I have no idea.

Maybe it’s the influence of that person.

I looked at Sua’s face again.

From that face, a brilliant light was still shining.

It wasn’t as bright as the sky, but still, one of the people who would change my life.

…And this was probably that person’s judgment.

Then I would just have to trust that judgment.

“I’ll accept the apology later.”

But still, I couldn’t just say I forgave her and let it go.

…This was also that person’s judgment that I shouldn’t just let this situation pass.

“….Okay.”

Sua simply nodded at my words.

*

Is it really acceptable to roam someone else’s house in the middle of the night?

…Well, it depends on the situation.

The reason I subtly opened my eyes at night was merely because I was thirsty.

Usually, I could just call a maid, but the person working here was an older lady. It wasn’t that I didn’t have old servants where I lived before, but comparing ‘someone who had never met me’ and ‘the people who ruined my life’ would create too large of a gap, wouldn’t it?

More than anything, she wasn’t even my servant, but someone hired by Sua’s parents.

Thus, I quietly rose from the bed—

I realized that Sua was snugly pressed against my right arm.

Sua’s warm body was tightly against my arm, and even though it wasn’t a hot night, my arm was damp with sweat.

“….”

Well, this had been a daily occurrence.

I slowly pulled my arm away, trying to avoid waking Sua. It took a while, but I didn’t mind too much. If I was sleepy tomorrow, I could just sleep at school.

…And among the plans floating in my head, there was even a way to skip school completely.

Of course, that was a pretty extreme measure. At least the person who wanted me to live ‘normally’ would have opposed that.

“Ah.”

Right.

I had been asked how I was living recently and was about to share what had been happening lately.

I recall that moment, which felt like a dream but wasn’t.

Every night, that person waits for me in my room.

Every time I go to bed, I feel like I’ve ‘returned’ because of that person.

…When I open my eyes, that person is nowhere to be seen again.

Should I perhaps open my heart a little bit?

While thinking that, I was also afraid of what reaction that person would have if they saw the ugly thoughts I usually have, which made me hesitate to do so.

Such a kind person. What if they get fed up with me after seeing my dark desires? I always worry like that.

I got up from the bed. The bed I slept in made no sound compared to the bed I was lying on.

I walked slowly in the dark, feeling my way to the living room.

Fortunately, the moon was bright, so the empty living room was visible.

And as I walked to the kitchen—

I paused upon seeing the light leaking from there.

The kitchen light was off.

Perhaps the refrigerator door was open, and the light was seeping out.

“….”

Would it really be a good idea to walk in and run into whoever is in there?

As I was mulling over that,

“….Is that you, Sua?”

A deep male voice echoed.

…It was Sua’s father’s voice.

After a moment’s doubt, I decided to head in that direction.

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