I Became the Childhood Friend Who Commits Sui**de

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When I opened my eyes, everything looked just like the last scene in my memory.

It seemed I had only briefly lost consciousness and hadn’t fainted for long.

What mattered right now wasn’t that.

I checked my body.

Indeed, I felt no pain at all.

Although it had been an extremely severe seizure to the point of fainting.

This pain was truly the greatest and strongest I had ever experienced.

“I see you’re back to your senses.”

It was the voice of the Old Man.

I grabbed his arm and asked.

“What did you do?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You healed me. You took away my pain…”

Then the Old Man answered with a benevolent smile.

“I’m just happy if my prayer helped you, sister.”

“This isn’t some formal gratitude. You really healed me… like a miracle. That’s right! It was a miracle! I clearly saw the light brightening when you prayed!”

Even powerful painkillers couldn’t completely eliminate the pain.

The only thing that had ever worked for me was strawberries.

But even that had undeniable side effects.

However, the miracle I just experienced was completely different.

It had no side effects and didn’t drain my mental strength or leave me feeling miserable.

It felt comforting and warm, almost like being in my mother’s embrace.

That’s how I felt.

“All I did was pray for the poor lamb suffering in pain.”

“…That’s a lie.”

So, what does that mean?

Was it all just my illusion?

It couldn’t be.

I definitely felt it…

“Well, Hana, I also watched from the side, but I didn’t see any light when the priest prayed. Maybe you were deluding yourself right before you blacked out…?”

“…”

Is that really all there is to it?

The expectations I felt as soon as I opened my eyes vanished in an instant.

What replaced that was an endless sense of emptiness and despair.

At that moment, the priest grabbed my hand and spoke.

“Your words might hold some truth. Don’t force yourself to abandon the belief that the Lord has bestowed grace upon you.”

“…What use is belief? If the priest didn’t work a miracle, it would just be my delusion.”

“There are many cases where reality confronts faith, and it shatters. Yet, a few can change reality with unwavering faith.”

I was about to say something ridiculous.

But suddenly, I realized it was a truly existing phenomenon.

“…Are you talking about the placebo effect?”

“That could be one example. What’s important is that faith possesses a strength greater than we commonly think.”

I slowly rose from my seat.

Certainly, there was no pain at all.

Normally, after a seizure, my body would feel heavy with aftereffects, but now I felt light, as if I had just fallen into a cozy slumber.

I looked at the priest and the cross behind him with a complicated expression.

“…I don’t intend to believe in a god.”

“Belief doesn’t necessarily mean referring to the Lord. It could mean friends, companions, or even yourself. Anything under robust conviction serves as a solid support.”

The Old Man, who had only shown a gentle smile, changed to a worried expression and added.

“Just don’t be fanatical. You should have faith at your feet as a strong foundation, not over your head as a burden. An imperfect human cannot bear that weight.”

“…I don’t fully understand, but I’ll follow your advice.”

Quite some time had already passed.

Checking my phone, I saw I had missed calls from Sophie as well.

It was almost time to head back to the dorm.

“I’ll take my leave now. Thank you for your help.”

“Ah, anytime. Please feel free to visit when you’re free. Talking with students is my only delight.”

“Sure, I’ll drop by if I have the time.”

I attempted to leave the church with Juhyun.

I abruptly stopped and stared intently at the painting drawn on the church wall.

It was a depiction of Jesus bearing the cross.

“…What if it becomes so hard that my faith shatters?”

“Blame the Lord.”

“Priest!”

At those words, Juhyun gasped in surprise.

Yet the priest didn’t flinch and continued.

“Why is there so much evil in the world? Countless are those who suffer from the demon’s torment. Why does God allow people to endure such pain?”

“…”

“I don’t know. No matter how much I try to decipher the will of God, how can a mere human grasp it? If one were to think that all the trials and tribulations of this world happen because of them, nobody would endure.”

The Old Man, who bowed his head and prayed briefly, said with a calm smile.

“So just think of it as God having reasons for everything. Wouldn’t He accept your childish complaints graciously?”

Objectively, it wasn’t a good answer.

There would be those who would frown and click their tongues depending on who was listening.

In the end, there was no solution at all, just a makeshift way to ease the mind through self-rationalizations.

But isn’t that the biggest significance of religion?

To provide a sense of comfort. To create excuses to blame others.

Regular humans couldn’t endure without doing so.

After offering a brief prayer while looking at the picture of Jesus, I left the church.

The sun was shining brightly.

*

Shin Woo was walking down the street when he spotted someone.

A familiar figure from afar.

It was his childhood friend Yu Hana.

What was she doing? She hadn’t answered her phone.

Hana was never really the type to check her phone.

She didn’t even own one until before entering the academy.

Just as he was about to step closer, Shin Woo stopped.

He realized Hana had company.

Who was it?

It was a guy.

Among the men Hana might have been close to, he was sure he was the only one.

…Except for that guy.

Shin Woo frowned.

Could it be someone similar to that jerk?

It was too early to make that conclusion just from his back, but it didn’t look like their relationship was particularly bad.

Especially when he saw Hana smiling at something the guy said.

Watching that scene, for some reason, Shin Woo felt a tightness in his chest.

Recently, this feeling had been intensifying and becoming more frequent.

That smile was bound to give the guy the wrong idea.

Hana probably wasn’t interested in men, so wouldn’t that be a big problem?

…What right did he have to worry about such things?

A moment of self-loathing washed over him, but Shin Woo shook his head.

This was just a concern born from caring for a friend.

Yeah. She was his only childhood friend.

“…Shin Juhyun?”

While he had been secretly tailing them, he realized the guy’s identity.

He was an ordinary boy who didn’t stand out in their class.

Should he be happy about finding out they were classmates, or should he feel even more anxious?

Shin Woo was confused, not even knowing how he truly felt.

Were they always this close?

No, that couldn’t be.

At least, he had never seen them talk in class.

Since they both had quiet personalities and sat quite far apart.

The duo proceeded toward the convenience store.

Watching secretly from outside, they appeared to be selecting something earnestly.

From milk to snacks, and various ordinary grocery items.

Why were they shopping together?

Were they planning to eat together?

Where, though?

They seemed cheerful.

Like a newlywed couple grocery shopping…

No, that’s nonsense.

They were students.

And just friends, not even a couple.

…That’s how it must be. Probably.

He couldn’t be sure.

He had never asked if they were dating.

It wouldn’t be strange if they were dating in secret from the others.

Student romances within the academy were quite common.

But Hana dating someone…?

His heart felt even tighter than before.

Why did he keep feeling this way?

He let out a sigh.

There’s no way.

That was an unrealistic assumption.

Just a provocative delusion.

“…”

But wouldn’t it be necessary to confirm it directly?

There was no other reason.

Currently, Hana was in a fragile state.

Her chronic illness, self-harm, suicidal attempts, bullying, disicplinary actions, etc…

Lately, Hana had been facing an endless sequence of hardships and tribulations.

In such circumstances, it would be truly dangerous for her to meet some strange guy.

So he had to protect her.

She could trust no one but her childhood friend.

After finishing their shopping, Hana and Juhyun exited the convenience store.

They were still deep in conversation.

He had no intention of causing a scene or creating trouble.

He just wanted to eavesdrop on their conversation a little.

If it was casual chit-chat between friends, there would be nothing to worry about.

But if it veered into something more intimate…

For now, he had to find out.

Shin Woo cautiously narrowed the distance between them.

There were no ill feelings, but the two weren’t particularly skilled yet.

In contrast, although he was outshined by Si-hyun, Shin Woo was considered a genius among his grade.

Getting close without being noticed wasn’t too difficult.

Shin Woo moved as close as he could.

Going any further would risk being discovered.

The issue was that there wasn’t a proper hiding spot around, so it wasn’t as close as he wanted.

Still, he could hear their voices well enough.

He strained to heed the scattered portions of their conversation.

“It was so big it hurt… fainted… the light was flashing… holding my hand…”