HP : THE TRAUMA AND CHOICE

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Harry collected his wand, the photographs, and the letter. He pocketed the wand and put the photographs and letter back in their envelope. Padfoot was whimpering low in his throat. As soon as Harry moved into his line of sight, he started growling.

Harry sat down next to Sirius' head. For a very long time, Harry simply sat and stared at the grim. Padfoot never stopped growling. Gone was his playful dogfather.

'This isn't what I planned for' Harry eventually thought. 'I didn't come back for this. But this is my second – my only – chance to have Sirius. And I'll be damned if I give it up without even trying.'

Ignoring Sirius' growls entirely, Harry reached out with a gentle, shaking hand to rub Padfoot's ears in just the way that Harry remembered he liked it. As he petted Padfoot, Harry remembered the hopeless man in the Shrieking Shack, the man who patiently listened to Harry complain about everything his fourth year, the man who told him things Professor Dumbledore wouldn't because he acknowledged Harry's penchant for trouble, the man who cheered him up when he was threatened with expulsion, who gave Harry the best Christmas he had ever had and who tried to do what was best for Harry even when it was personally hard for him. He had some insanely bad ideas after he had allowed Professor Dumbledore to shut him away in Grimmauld Place but, well, Harry himself had had some insanely bad ideas when he had allowed Professor Dumbledore to send him back to Privet Drive. No one was perfect, especially when locked away in the place they hated most.

This person was not his Sirius but at his core, this Sirius was the same, good man.

"Padfoot, it's me. Harry." Harry's voice cracked appallingly. He cleared his throat and tried again. "James' son. Remember? You're my godfather." Harry quickly scrubbed an arm across his blurry eyes and cleared his throat again. "I know you. I remember your flying motorbike. And – And you're my dogfather." The black blur was not snarling anymore. That was a good sign, right? Harry's voice sounded odd even in his own ears as he added, "I – I've been looking for you. I missed you. I – I –"

And then Harry was crying. His entire body was wracked with those big ugly sobs that he hadn't bothered with since he realized that his family hated him and he would never be good enough to escape the boot cupboard. Ashamed, Harry twisted away from Padfoot.

He had never cried like that for anyone in the original timeline – Cedric, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Dumbledore or anyone. He had not even cried when he left everything he knew behind and went back in time. But Sirius – everything had gotten so much worse after Sirius and that was the only death that had really been his fault in every sense of the word – and there was Sirius but he was crazy and Harry was a stranger to him – and suddenly everything Harry had lost and gained was so obvious. No one was dead. He friends were gone and his friendships with them this time around would never be exactly the same again but his mistakes were gone too. He had another chance to get it right. He could avoid everything that had gone wrong the first time. But this time around Sirius hated him. And what was the point of any of this if he was still going to end up alone and –

A huge wet nose interrupted Harry's thoughts. A huge pink tongue licked at Harry's tears, smearing dog slobber all over his face. Harry gasped then latched onto the dog and buried his face in Padfoot's smelly, matted fur.

"I'm sorry Sirius! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I won't go to the Department of Mysteries this time! I'll use the damn mirror! I won't let Bellatrix – I won't let her – I won't let you – I missed you!"

Harry cried until there was nothing left in him to cry with. Afterwards he simply pressed his face into Padfoot's shoulder. He was still holding onto the dog as tightly as he could, his fingers curled into the shaggy, filthy fur. His own face was probably black where he had pressed it into Padfoot. For his part Padfoot had stoically endured Harry's break with the current reality but he now shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to escape Harry but apparently he did not want to wrench himself free. That was too bad for Padfoot because Harry was selfish enough to hold on until Padfoot got around to making him let go. Honestly when Harry lost the focus and will necessary to keep Padfoot petrified that had been Padfoot's one chance to escape him completely. Padfoot had blown it.

"I brought you food" Harry mumbled into Padfoot's side. Padfoot's restless shifting turned into quivering excitement. "Promise you'll stick around when I let go."

Padfoot barked.

Grinning, Harry let go of the dog and scooted back. He subtly dragged a sleeve across his eyes as he did so. Padfoot was good enough to pretend not to notice.

The first time Harry had brought Sirius food, he had forgotten niceties such as silverware and plates which had embarrassed him, Ron, Hermione, and Sirius. This time Harry had remembered the niceties but Sirius had forgotten they existed and only Harry was embarrassed.

When Sirius was full, there was quite a bit of food left in the hamper.

"I was thinking" Harry began cautiously as Sirius inspected the thick blankets appreciatively "that maybe I could bring you some more in a couple of days."

Sirius stiffened. "Someone will notice if you keep disappearing."

Harry grinned. "No one knows as many ways in and out of the Hogwarts as I do. And my housemates are already used to covering for my disappearances." At Sirius' confused frown, Harry added, "They're usually prank related."

Sirius' expression cleared up. "You can't come through the village again."

"I could come through the Shrieking Shack next Saturday." Sirius was wavering so Harry added, "I'd bring more food."

"I'll meet you in the shack."

Harry grinned brightly.

Sunday night Harry went to the Slytherin table for dessert like always. The glares that were shot his way were both impressive and slightly alarming. Harry slowed to stand next to Draco who was not budging over for him.

"What?" Harry demanded.

Further down the table, Harry saw LeStrange roll his eyes.

"Now isn't the best time to visit, Harry" Draco said irritably.

"It was just a quidditch game!"

If he had thought the glares from the House of the Snake were impressive before, now they were downright lethal. Harry sighed.

"I'll try again next week, yeah?"

Harry slouched away from the Slytherin table. It was embarrassing to be turned down like that. And by an entire house!

"Hey Harry!" A voice shouted from the Hufflepuff table.

Harry looked up. Cedric Diggery waved a shortbread cookie at him. Harry grinned.

A few minutes later, Harry plopped down next to Cedric. He accepted the shortbread cookie.

"Cheers mate."

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Want to know what happens next? 100+ advanced chapters await you on Patreon! Be the first to read what others will have to wait for. Join the community and read ahead today!

(P).(A).(T).(R).(E).(O).(N)

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