Hope born of solitus

*

"... Arin, it's not fair to anyone. Even if you don't care... I do." (Lastia)

"What's... What's the problem with just a couple hours...? Why can't you just..." (Arin)

Her words are caught up in her own throat, her hesitation and guilt felt like a shackle constricting on her neck. She made a face as if she ate something bitter, scrunching up in vulnerability.

"... Are you settling for me because there are no consequences?" (Lastia)

I give her a gentle smile. I can't even get angry at her, oh how she has pervaded my heart. That's precisely why in times like this, I must be stern. How has she fallen for me? When I don't even know myself.

"NO!!! I'm not!! I..." (Arin)

She couldn't even hold eye contact any longer. Realisation dawned on her face, meaning written all over her swimming eyes.

"Looks like you're realising it now. You're settling for the 'me' now, as opposed to every other 'me', right?

Even if you promise me, who's going to verify?" (Lastia)

"... What if you wrote it in your diary?" (Arin)

She choked out an excuse in the last second. She couldn't let me take over the conversation, for what little it was worth. It meant a lot to her.

" Then it'll be like a curse for the both of us... " (Lastia)

For the 'me' who couldn't relate to a love 'I' never experienced, and to the her who could never be satisfied with the lack of permanence. Overall, it was quite silly. In the first place, 'I' am definitely not the Lastia that she fell for. A single day isn't realistic for her feelings sprout. It was over a long course of time, over numerous iterations of 'me'...

"Arin~" (Lastia)

I called out softly. In this serene evening, it was all that was needed, she heard my words clearly. Her eyes trained onto my complexion in confusion. Aimless, her desires no longer have anywhere to go. She must feel tired and lost. I leaned on her side and heaved a sigh. The topic was too heavy to address with any enthusiasm. It was a crossroads that neither of us are ready to cross. Even so...

"This is as much as I can do. Without crossing the line. Do you understand?

Today's 'me' will be gone tomorrow anyway. Not a trace left behind. All of this will lose meaning soon. So... Just forget about the whole conversation. It won't do you any good to be conscious of it. " (Lastia)

" Even now, you're being kind... I couldn't ever forget any of your deeds. " (Arin)

You bring salvation. It's as if that's what her heart was saying. She clings onto it desperately like a lifebuoy. It is only more apparent, the 'me' that she's looking at isn't me. It infuriates me, but only a little. After all, anger isn't an emotion that's worth much of the little time I have. That's why... I choose to let go of such negative shackles, I wouldn't ever be guided by my emotions. By curiosity yes, perhaps by other motives and desires as well. However, nothing of the sort that would resemble on the spur irrationality.

Perhaps accepting Arin's attempt to kidnap me today could be seen as irrational, there was no reason to uproot 'my' routine just to satisfy a single person. Naturally my disposition is not infallible. My emotions are a sign that I have been affected by some sort of external stimuli, an indication that I was influenced in some manner. This spontaneity is even more precious, it is a sign of deviation from the other 'me's.

In other words... I suppose that I still prioritise my own uniqueness over rationality. Contradictory, I try to maintain Lastia's facade, yet I wish to branch out and be my own person. As if I was shifting back and forth in indecision, such flimsy and wobbly sensations... I hate it.

"Hey... That movie we watched today... It wasn't that great." (Lastia)

"..." (Arin)

She stared intently at my face, trying to deduce what the point of it all is. It sounded like I was provoking her, I couldn't bear to look directly at her, so I continued to gaze at the skies between the clouds.

"I only enjoyed it, because you were there with me." (Lastia)

"..." (Arin)

It was getting dark rapidly, since it was now in the evening. Yet I could clearly see her expressions. It contorts over her thoughts, mauling her beautiful face over the torrent of emotions . I want to see her smile... Yet I won't be there the next time she does. I know it, because... Of what I'm about to say.

"The trees here... They aren't especially beautiful in any way. If I had to say why I actually entertained the idea of admiring nature... I would say it's because of you. Being with you puts the world in a different lense." (Lastia)

"..." (Arin)

Silently, her tears dripped through her eyelashes and drenched her cheeks. It was hard for her to see through her tears, but she could still tell I had a mischievous smile on my face.

"There's... There's nothing to laugh about... I... I realised..." (Arin)

Right, the worst thing I could do was to make her fall in love with this 'Me', the current one. The one that's about to vanished tomorrow. Hopefully this will teach her how pointless it all is.

" No... I won't give up. I'll find a way to get them back, all of the 'you' that make up Lastia." (Arin)

"Fufu... When that finally happens, I'll consider it." (Lastia)

"Playing hard to get until the very end... Fine..." (Arin)

A fiery passion burns in her eyes, unhindered by the tears. Her cheeks were heavily flushed but her complexion seemed far better than before. When all is said and done, I want my short time here to be positive. I didn't think Arin would persist, it goes to show that I still don't know much about her. The 'me' that caught her heart is long gone, I wanted her to move on.

It should have been obvious at the start, she was undeterred by the passage of time and my daily amnesia. Ah... What a pain my very own feelings bring...