Hope born of solitus

*

11th August, Tuesday

Same old same old, I reckon my routine has never deviated from any of the other Lastias, because we all start with the same amount of information. Nothing. If I had recorded my own room for the past year, they would be eerily similar. Only possibly deviating after I read the diary, perhaps even then there wouldn't be much deviation.

I reached school and found my seat. It feels novel, foreign to the touch. Muscle memory... My arm remembers a little bit of pulling out this same chair, but my butt does not remember the sensation of the chair. I have to wonder, with all these lapses in information, how would I ever forge a connection with someone else?

Classes are... Rarely productive for me. My test results are on an upward trajectory, because everytime I receive back my test papers, I gain a reference of how the teachers mark the tests. Specifically, it wouldn't be 'me', but the past 'me's that have piled up a collection of test papers, teaching me how the teachers think and what would be needed to satisfy them.

It was early in the morning, Arin stood up from her seat and approached the board to answer a question. I was position in the middle near the front while Arin was directly behind me and Sariel was a few rows to the right. The moment she stepped within earshot range she whispered.

'Fall off your chair now, trust me.' (Arin)

I pushed the table with my arm strength and tumbled onto the ground on my right, directly behind where Arin was standing.

"Oh my god!? Teach! I think she's injured! I'll bring her to the infirmary right away!" (Arin)

In other words, I was forcefully sloped. Arin dragged me outside of the classroom on her back, while I held my arms around her neck. I wasn't familiar with the school grounds, but for some reason I felt that she wasn't taking me to the infirmary. In a flash, we were already... Outside the school. There was a gate, but the it acted as the main entrance and didn't close during school hours. We continued running outside, as if something was mercilessly chasing us down.

I was initially confused, that Arin would do something this drastic, but now I understand. It wasn't for me.

"Arin, what's wrong?" (Lastia)

"... Nothing! I just thought... I wanted to try playing hooky once in my life... You could say it was on the spur of the moment." (Arin)

She flashed a mischievous smile, it didn't seem to have very much energy behind it.

"Hmmm? And you dragged me into it because...?" (Lastia)

I don't think this will fish the answer out of her, but it's fine. There's no need to dig for secrets.

"Ah ha ha... I guess it's because I would be lonely otherwise... Won't you accompany me today?" (Arin)

"Haa~ fine. I'll join you. In turn you'll have to answer for why we're missing!" (Lastia)

I put on a stern expression. Truthfully, I wasn't concerned. We could always stick with the story of me feeling ill, and that I needed Arin's help to get home. Even then, 'I' wouldn't be around to face the consequences.

Before I noticed, we sat at the nearby park with Arin inching closer, despite already squeezing next to me. Almost as if...

"Humu nice weather we're having." (Lastia)

Her eyes widened in an instant, as if breaking out of a trance. Surprisingly, her blush faded promptly and she remained composed. She squeezed her lips shut and brought out a gentle smile. She nodded in agreement, choosing not to speak. Perhaps she felt it awkward to part her lips once more. Speaking of which... Before this whole fiasco, when I sat down on the chair...

It felt familiar. The sensation of resting my arm on the armrest... Just how many times have I been brought here. How many times have I acted like it was my first time coming to this park...?

"... You know about it, don't you? My secret." (Lastia)

"... Yeah. I did." (Arin)

She didn't deny anything. So-

"Why! Why did you try then?!" (Lastia)

You should know I would forget it the next day. It's impossible to have any deeper of a relationship than this.

"You'll have to try again and again! Even then! I might not reciprocate every time!" (Lastia)

I unexpectedly got heated. This was the first time today, where my emotions were so stimulated. I see. Due to my circumstances, my emotions have gone numb and I reacted to everything like a dead fish. That's why the average person wouldn't know that I have daily amnesia, I don't outwardly act like everything is my first time. I mostly stayed calm, and the only way to reveal the lapses in my memories is through my interactions with the world. How I interacted with my classroom seat and this park bench... Only something a person observing me closely could notice.

"Does... Does that mean you'll reciprocate for today?" (Arin)

"... If I had a relationship with a different person in the future... If another 'I' chose someone else... Wouldn't this be cheating?

The answer is unfortunately... A no. I cannot... Take responsibility... I realistically can not return your feelings... Because it'll only last for less than a day, and that is simply not enough... " (Lastia)

My feelings... They're all over the place. I don't want our time together to be over. But with a failure of a human being like me, it was impossible to begin with... My voice had gone raspy, filled with phlegm and bitterness. My cheeks were covered in tears.

" You know this already... I am not... A complete person..." (Lastia).

It felt good to pour my feelings out... At the same time, there was a reason I kept all of it in. Now... She'll leave me. Arin who was aware of my circumstances, she'll see the futility of acting nice to me, of building a connection with me... If all of it disappears in a single day, there is no meaning to any of it all...

Without a word, Arin leaned in and plugged my mouth with her tongue. It was warm and the texture was slightly rough as it explored the back of my teeth and under my tongue. At this distance, nevermind her breath I could smell her skin. A flowery scent lingered in her hair as sweat dripped down her temples. When she finally pulled herself away, she declared.

"I'll love all of you. That's why, stay by my side." (Arin)