Hazbin Hotel: Another Adam

A son's cry! – a shrill female shriek, full of horror and fury, momentarily broke the silence that had settled in the hall. Bethesda von Eldritch, who just a second ago was laughing merrily in the company of some demons, now rushed towards her offspring with a face contorted in terror. Seviathan's body, which apparently hadn't embedded itself too deeply into the ceiling, had just detached from there with a dull thud and was plummeting down. If not for his mother's lightning-fast reaction, who caught his unconscious form literally a centimeter from the floor at the last moment, this little shit would have hit it from a height of at least eight meters. The consequences could have been… deplorable.

"Bastard! How dare you?! How dare you raise a hand against MY SON?!" Now this fury in an emerald dress, one hand carefully holding Seviathan's limp body (who was still alive, though he looked like a chewed-up cutlet), looked at me with such concentrated hatred that the air around her began to crackle and darken. Darkness, thick and oily, began to swirl around her figure, distorting her features, elongating her nails, sharpening her teeth. It seemed Madame von Eldritch decided to show me her "true" form. Cute.

"Lady, if I were you, I'd cool it a bit," I said in a perfectly calm, almost lazy voice, looking her straight in the eyes and showing not the slightest emotion on my face. "Your precious child, as you may have noticed, is still quite alive and even breathing. But if you, esteemed lady, continue in the same vein and try to attack me… I'm afraid your heir will very soon wake up a complete orphan. And that, I promise you."

"I'LL...!!! I'LL GRIND YOU INTO DUST, SCUM!!!" Bethesda roared, her voice turning into a low, guttural growl. She carefully laid her son's unconscious body on the floor and was already beginning to transform, her figure first bloating and becoming covered in spikes, when Stolas finally decided to intervene. This prudent owl, it seems, hadn't wasted any time and had managed to discreetly move so as to be between me and the enraged she-devil, shielding both me and his frightened daughter, who had frozen by the column with eyes wide with shock.

"Lady Bethesda, please, stop!" Stolas's voice was surprisingly firm and authoritative, without the usual notes of nervousness from the series. It seems he really "puts on a mask" of a cool aristocrat in such moments. Stolas held out his hands, urging her to be calm. "I'm sure we can resolve this… misunderstanding peacefully!"

"Miss Bethesda, perhaps you should first tend to your son? He… doesn't look very well," Stella immediately chimed in. She appeared beside him as if by magic and also tried to calm the enraged woman. But, it seems, her words had the opposite effect.

"ARRRGH!!!" Bethesda roared, completely losing the last vestiges of her human (though, of course, "devilish" would be more correct) appearance. A powerful wave of Darkness gushed from her, throwing Stolas, Stella, and everyone standing nearby several meters back. Her body rapidly increased in size, her skin darkened, becoming covered with some vile growths and spikes. Huge, leathery wings erupted from her back, and on her face, instead of one, several pairs of eyes now blazed with malice. Her mouth stretched to incredible proportions, revealing rows of razor-sharp teeth. Now she resembled some monster from nightmares – a cross between a giant insect, a dragon, and… something like a shoggoth. "NO ONE! NO CREATURE DARES TO THREATEN THE VON ELDRITCH FAMILY!!! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL, YOU DEGENERATE!!!"

And this many-eyed, many-horned, many-toothed bullshit charged right at me, emitting a deafening roar. And out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her daughter, Helsa, whom I had only just spotted, now darting sharply towards the exit of the hall. Apparently, to call her daddy for help, who was out there somewhere still greeting late guests.

"Fool…" I said calmly, and just as her clawed paw was about to tear my head off, I sharply disappeared from under the blow. I hadn't just been standing here watching her transformation for nothing. I had already left about a dozen of my Light "anchors" in this hall, so now I could move here almost instantly.

I appeared right above her as she flew forward by inertia, and with all my strength, I slammed her with my fist right into the marble floor. A deafening crash sounded, cracks ran across the floor, and a cloud of dust rose. Bethesda shrieked from pain and surprise. Not giving her a chance to recover, I unleashed a hail of blows on her, infusing each with a particle of Light, let her suffer a bit.

The aristocrats, meanwhile, stood in complete fucking shock, afraid to even breathe. They watched as I methodically, cold-bloodedly beat one of the most powerful demons in Hell (she should be in the top 100). She was, actually, roughly on par in strength with some of the Deadly Sins. More precisely, on the same tier of the hierarchy, but in terms of raw power, of course, she was inferior to Asmodeus, who, as I said, surpassed only Belphegor in raw power, and even then, not by much.

"…" The silence in the hall was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but for some reason, none of those present even tried to separate us. Maybe it's some unwritten rule they have? Like, you can't interfere in a "sacred" duel? Or were they just afraid to get caught in the crossfire? Most likely, both, because I had no other, more logical explanations.

In the end, it took me no more than ten seconds to beat the shit out of this presumptuous fool to a state where she could no longer resist, let alone maintain her "true" form. With a pitiful moan, she began to shrink in size, her spikes and growths retracted, her wings disappeared, and there, on the floor in a pool of black blood, writhing in pain, lay the same striking woman in a tattered emerald dress. Only now she didn't look so striking. More like pathetic and helpless.

"I did warn you…" My voice sounded unexpectedly loud, almost thunderous (damn, what a word I picked, huh?), echoing off the walls and making the already gobsmacked guests flinch even more. I approached the defeated Bethesda and, creating a golden collar with a chain on her neck (looks like I have some kind of fetish for this… I'll have to try it with Lute…), I casually yanked her towards me, forcing her to her knees. The chain, by the way, was made of ordinary gold, so I didn't blow my cover.

At that very moment, the doors to the hall burst open with a crash, and an agitated and enraged Frederick von Eldritch literally flew in, followed by his daughter Helsa; it seemed the show was just beginning. Frederick instantly assessed the situation: a wrecked hall, terrified guests, his son still lying unconscious by the wall, and his wife, whom some insolent demon in a black suit was holding on a chain like a dog.

Shall we wave to him?

Such fierce hatred flashed in Frederick's green eyes that I even felt a bit awkward.

"You…" he began, but was immediately interrupted by a larger bird! Get it?

"And what, pray tell, is happening here?"

A dark silhouette appeared on the wide staircase leading to the second floor. A second – and it took clear shape, filling with color. Paimon, in person.

He looked impressive, of course. A very tall, almost three-meter demon-bird, resembling both a giant owl and a raven. His long, blue-black feathers dimly gleamed in the light of the crystal chandeliers. At the top of his massive head were two tufts of large, sharp feathers, directed upwards and backwards, which made him look like some kind of horned owl. Eyes… four eyes, like Stolas's, but much larger and brighter; they shone with a piercing, ruby-red light, and his pupils were narrow, vertical, like a cat's. He wore a white mask with some crimson patterns on it. Paimon was dressed in a long, dark red cloak with wide golden lapels. A massive golden crown adorned Paimon's head, decorated with a large ruby in the center (a symbol of the Goetia family, as I understood) and several sharp spikes, at the ends of which small stars twinkled.

"Paimon! What is this bastard allowing himself?!" Frederick immediately flared up, pointing a trembling finger at me. "I volunteered to receive your esteemed guests today," where would he be without a pompous "bow" towards the infernal aristocracy, "and my family was attacked! Right under your nose! In your own house! This is unheard of!"

"Ahem… My apologies, my dear Frederick, for such an… unpleasant incident," Paimon's voice was deep with a slight hoarseness. He slowly descended the stairs and approached us. "I will sort everything out immediately…" He turned to me, his four red eyes looking at me intently, scrutinizingly. "Baal, if I'm not mistaken?"

Aha. So this old bird has listening devices planted all over the place too. Not surprised.

"Release the esteemed Mrs. von Eldritch," he continued in the same calm, authoritative tone. "And come with me to my office. I will hear you out and assign an appropriate… punishment." He turned and, without waiting for my answer, headed back towards the stairs.

"Punishment?! He should be killed on the spot!" Frederick couldn't hold back again, but when I, with the same imperturbable smirk, lightly tugged on the chain, making Bethesda cry out in pain and rise from her knees, he for some reason immediately shut up. Apparently, he was afraid I was going to break his wife's neck. And rightly so. I could have.

But I simply disintegrated the chain on her neck and carelessly threw her unconscious body right into the arms of the "devil" who rushed over, after which, bestowing a charming and enigmatic smile upon the dumbfounded Octavia (who, like most of the other guests, had been standing in complete prostration all this time, not knowing how to react to what was happening), I followed Paimon's retreating figure.

He walked slowly, so I easily caught up with him and walked beside him. But then, Stolas appeared before us as if out of nowhere.

"Father, wait!" He looked agitated, his four eyes darting around fearfully. "This demon… he protected my daughter! I beg you, have mercy! Don't punish him too severely!"

Paimon didn't even turn around. Just waved his clawed hand, silencing his son.

"I'll sort everything out myself, S… fuck, what was your name again?"

"Stolas, Father…" he said quietly, with resentment in his voice.

"Right! Stolas. Well, I'll sort it out myself, Stolas," Paimon repeated imperturbably and continued on his way up the stairs. And I, shrugging and casting a sympathetic glance at the upset Stolas (who looked at me with equal sympathy), followed.

25 minutes later. Paimon's Office.

"…And now, for fuck's sake, I have to waste my precious time personally fucking my brain and hunting down these fucking faggots who willingly sold their asses to Eve! It's some kind of clusterfuck!" I finally finished my emotional and profanity-laden story.

Before that, the old bird had been feeding me his bullshit for about ten minutes – about problems in Goetia, political intrigues, complex relationships with the Deadly Sins and Lucifer, and, of course, about the von Eldritches. In particular, he described in great detail the reason why Bethesda had so sharply lost it back then and almost wrecked half the mansion.

It turned out that these two "devils" were literally obsessed with their "little ones," so much so that they allowed them to do absolutely anything that popped into their young heads, indulged their every whim, and always covered their asses after another idiotic stunt. To the credit of the kids themselves, they didn't seem to commit outright fucked-up atrocities – no killing, no raping, no mass riots – but harassing those around them, humiliating those weaker, asserting themselves at others' expense, "bullying" (a newfangled word; in my time, it was called "tormenting") everyone – that they loved. Seviathan himself had picked on Octavia back then for one simple reason: he somehow found out about Stolas and Blitz's relationship and decided to mock her in this way, humiliating her in front of everyone.

That's all. That is, if he, for example, found out that the father of some completely different, unfamiliar demoness had also "screwed up" somewhere: cheated on his wife, lost the family fortune at cards, or simply publicly shat himself, he would have harassed her with the same enthusiasm. The victim's identity was absolutely unimportant to him; the main thing was knowledge of some "fuck-up" by that very person or their loved ones, which could be used for humiliation and self-assertion. Some kind of clusterfuck, literally a walking inferiority complex.

It was precisely because of such "interests" that Charlie dumped him back in the day, but this little shit, as far as I understood from Paimon's words, is still resentful towards her for it and definitely hasn't forgotten his "first love." Heh. Well, good luck to him, although, to be honest, this weakling hardly stands a chance. Vaggie, in case of anything, will shove an angelic spear up his ass and twist it a couple of times for good measure.

Paimon, by the way, seemed surprisingly… adequate? during our conversation. And even quite a good conversationalist. According to him, he even "respected" me. No, it's quite possible that it was simple flattery, designed to worm his way into my confidence, but I've seen enough of the inhabitants of this universe to distinguish sincerity from pretense, and for some reason, it seemed to me that this old bird was being honest with me. At least, partly.

"So, Paimon," I finally decided to get to the main question, for which I had started this whole circus. "How are we going to resolve this unpleasant situation with the von Eldritch beating?"

"No way, Adam," Paimon sipped some wine from his goblet. The wine, by the way, was that same fucking delicious one I had tried downstairs. I, of course, couldn't resist asking him about its supply; it turned out it was made from some special grape variety that grew back in Eden but was somehow preserved and is now secretly cultivated by Paimon's wife in a secret garden in the Sloth Ring. Because it was precisely in this Ring, according to him, that there was the least Darkness when Hell was formed, and some Edenic plants managed to "survive" without mutating much. So I can count on a couple of barrels of this divine nectar as an "apology" for the inconvenience caused (it's good to be me – I beat up a woman and get delicious wine as an apology for it! Yes, I've set myself up fucking nicely). But no more, because this crap is incredibly rare, and they themselves never have enough of it. And then there are all sorts of balls and carnivals, where you also have to treat the guests. Well, okay, I'll manage somehow.

By the way, about Darkness in food. Paimon explained that it's usually removed from there during the "filtration" and "purification" process – much like in the production of ordinary earthly alcohol, because both Darkness and Light greatly affect the taste, sensations, and the general condition of whoever consumes it. Remember how my "cosmic scrambled eggs" affected Loona, and you'll understand what I mean.

"What do you mean – 'no way'?" I couldn't believe my ears. "So, everyone will just forget everything, and no one will take revenge on me? Neither Frederick, nor Bethesda, nor that idiot son of theirs?"

"No one will forget anything," Paimon waved his wing. "But no one will dare to take revenge on you either. You just clearly demonstrated your strength to everyone, and among demons, strength is valued very highly. Higher than gold, higher than titles, higher than anything else. And considering your mysterious origin, unknown lineage, and the aura of power that emanates from you…" he spread his clawed hands to the sides, "...well, you understand yourself…"

"No one will mess with an unknown but fucking strong dude because they might accidentally run into his even more fucking strong 'daddy'?" I made a logical assumption.

"Exactly so," the owl nodded. "Roughly that logic. For greater effect and for the final settlement of the conflict with the von Eldritches, one could, of course, try to persuade one of the Deadly Sins to present themselves as your… well, let's say, official 'parent' or 'patron.' Then your new 'father-mother' would pay them some compensation for moral damage and physical injuries, and everything would be reduced to a small squabble between two youngsters. Nothing serious…"

"And you, I take it, already have someone in mind among the Sins who would voluntarily agree to such a dubious adventure?" I glanced at him in surprise.

"What? Of course not!" Paimon nearly choked on his wine. "Are you crazy?! Those selfish assholes wouldn't even let me on their doorstep, let alone listen to any of my 'proposals'! To them, I'm practically their main political opponent! But you…" he narrowed his eyes slyly, "...you can try to order them. Or ask. And if necessary – apply force. Then they might agree, especially if you promise them something in return. Or threaten them with something very unpleasant." He chuckled vilely.

"Hmm… Interesting thought… And whom would you advise me to take 'as a father'? Or 'as a mother'?"

"Take Satan!" Paimon said without hesitation. "Punch that horned goat in the face once real good – and he'll immediately become as meek as a lamb! He won't cause you any more problems, I promise! By the way, you do know why we all gathered here today, right? The theme of our meeting today?"

"Asmodeus? More precisely, his recent… disappearance?"

"Exactly! Asmodeus! It was your Exorcists who attacked his club the other day and caused quite a stir there, wasn't it? Is he even still alive? Because various rumors are circulating around Hell…"

"Yep, alive," I nodded. "That horned idiot sold his ass to my ex. When I said I could only find two of Eve's 'contractors,' I was talking about him."

"Hmm… Unpleasant," Paimon grimaced. "But you do understand, Baal, that now, due to his sudden absence, a serious redistribution of power and spheres of influence is beginning in the Lust Ring? Other Deadly Sins can't interfere there – they have a direct prohibition from Lucifer against meddling in each other's affairs. But I, there, have my 'people' who represent my interests… And they are now suffering greatly from all this uncertainty and chaos…"

"And what do you propose, esteemed sir?" I already had a rough idea of what he was getting at. "Release Asmodeus back into the wild? So he can restore 'order' there again?"

"Well… actually, I was rather hinting that I, with some support from your side, could… uh… take his Circle into my own hands. And establish my own, proper order there…" He looked me straight in the eyes, but I just smirked in response. Of course, I thought so. But I simply had to troll this aristocratic bird a little.

"So, you want me to help you seize power in the Lust Ring?" I asked directly.

"I take it you plan to solve this problem somehow differently?.. With Asmodeus's help?.." Paimon sighed heavily, realizing his cunning plan hadn't worked.

Yes, I actually plan to release Asmodeus in the near future. No, I haven't lost my mind, and no, I'm not going to stick a red-hot soldering iron up his ass beforehand as a precaution (though I'd really like to!), well, I mean, definitely not up his ass, but into another, more suitable place for it – quite possibly (because he might like the former option, and that would be sodomy, not torture).

Now, jokes aside. Even when I didn't find Eve's "contractors" at Beelzebub's party, a crazy idea began to form in my mind – to make Asmodeus a "double agent." When I also scanned Belphegor's tower and found nothing suspicious there either, this desire only strengthened in me, and when I "scanned" almost 90% of the entire Goetia aristocracy here today and again didn't find a single bastard working for Eve, I became completely convinced of this idea.

I hope that the Light of my "sunshine," in which Asmodeus is currently marinating, has already had a sufficiently beneficial effect on him and cleared his head a bit, but, just in case, I really intend to somehow implement some crap into his little soul that could, for example, instantly kill him or just knock him the fuck out if he tries to act up again. And, of course, install an emergency "beacon" in him that would react to the approach of Eve's Darkness. So that if she decides to pull some nasty stunt through him again, I can immediately rush over and give her a beating (does she even have horns?).

The only thing stopping me now from immediately implementing this "brilliant" plan was my some uncertainty about his current mental state (torture by Light is no joke, after all) and my own still insufficient qualifications for creating such complex magi-technological implants (an anal plug with an electric shocker is my maximum), so I'll have to bother Saraqael with this problem again, tearing him away from the no less important work of upgrading my spy drones. Well, never mind. I think he'll manage quickly. He's a great guy, sensible, even though he's a Seraph.

"Oh, what was I even hoping for?.." Paimon sighed resignedly, apparently having finally given up on his ambitious plans.

"Hoping that under my protection you could get a little more power and influence in Hell?" I couldn't resist a sarcastic smirk. "Well, I'm sorry, esteemed sir, but I'm quite satisfied with your current position… You don't need more."

"You talk as if you're the real King of Hell here, and not Lucifer…" he muttered under his breath.

"Don't make things up, Paimon," I waved him off. "I'm just… an effective manager."

(Author's note: An effective manager is a leader who makes strategic decisions, monitors their execution, and is responsible for the result. It is also a "censored" name for the Russian ruling "elite," first used in relation to Joseph Stalin)

"As for your proposal with a 'father' from among the Deadly Sins… I don't really like that idea, to be honest. Especially Satan. And in general, being dependent on one of those idiots… I somehow don't want to."

"Then force several of them!" Paimon unexpectedly suggested. "For example, Beelzebub and Satan. Let everyone in Hell think they once had an affair, and you are their illegitimate child… Can you imagine what a scandal that would be?!" He chuckled vilely again.

"Pfft! Nah, that's some bullshit," I grimaced. "Although…" A very interesting, though немного crazy, idea suddenly popped into my head. "What if… they ALL are my parents? Huh? How do you like that setup, little bird?"

"That… is not devoid of a certain sense…" Paimon rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Aha! Six Deadly Sins united and begat the Child of Sins! Sounds good?"

(Author's note: A reference to my work "Child of Sins," in which they really created such a being, who later ended up in the Hazbin Hotel and began to study society and help its inhabitants solve their problems. The work is literally a couple of chapters long and is stored in drafts and will never see the light of day. At least, not in the near future)

"Epic," Paimon nodded.

"Fucking awesome!" I agreed. "That's what we'll do. Later…"

"Eh…" Paimon sighed heavily again. "Are you planning to go downstairs and continue participating in… this farce? Because now, after our conversation, I'll have to somehow change my speech, explain to the others what happened to Asmodeus… And why you're still here, and not in a torture chamber."

"Yeah, yeah, the malicious daddy of all humanity burdened the poor, old bird with work, don't complain," I clapped him friendly on the shoulder. "And participate in this… Nah, I don't really want to, to be honest. Tired of it. I'll just say goodbye to one family, flip off one arrogant 'devil' a couple of times, and that's it, I can bail."

"Eh… Now I think I'm beginning to understand why Lucifer always spoke of you so… peculiarly," Paimon shook his head.

"Ah, fuck him, that Lucifer of yours! Listen less to that depressive duck-lover, you'll be healthier," I waved him off, heading for the exit from the office.

"Duck-lover?.."

"Forget it, Paimon. Just forget it. You'll be safer."

I left the office. Now I needed to find Octavia and her parents and politely say goodbye; after all, they did stand up for me (even Stella!). And then I could get the hell out of this madhouse. I don't like all these balls and social receptions, and now, after my "performance," I'll be attracting a lot of unwanted attention to my humble person… Tough luck…