SWNOVELXO Chapter 41
Episode.41 To Commit
[Baek Harin SIDE]
I’ve committed something.
What could I have committed?
To commit.
It’s to act in a way that causes sin or mistakes.
Shall we rewind time a little?
To the moment I kissed him.
No, perhaps a bit further back.
51st floor.
When Siwoo and I were sprawled together on the bed, I definitely woke up first.
As soon as I opened my eyes, I checked on Siwoo.
No response when I called, only the faint sound of his breathing filled the room.
I touched his body and realized he was still swimming in his dreams.
But honestly, I already knew.
The medicine always has a remarkable effect the first time it’s used.
So while he was asleep, I placed my knees as a pillow for him, hoping to give him a somewhat more comfortable and refreshing sensation.
At this moment, I only regretted that I couldn’t see Siwoo’s face.
In that moment, the desires deep within my heart began to boil.
‘I want to become one with him.’
But how?
If it’s about becoming one with the rationality, there’s really only “that” option.
I felt my body strangely heating up.
Surely… it’s the thought of sharing love with him that’s igniting my body.
But still, this isn’t the time for such actions.
I don’t want to be a lightweight woman.
It’s not that I don’t know how.
… Actually, I haven’t seen it or done it yet.
Even masturbation, I’ve never been able to try, yet here I am saying such things.
It’s surprisingly amazing.
I think it’s because the instinct for reproduction is imprinted in the DNA not only of humans but also animals.
In fact, this is my first time feeling like this, and it’s both awkward and unbearable.
Since I can’t pounce on a sleeping Siwoo… I’ll extract his blood and put it in my body to be together.
Isn’t this also… becoming one?
I found an artery in his arm with a syringe and drew out blood.
‘If possible, clean blood would be better…’
– Suck, tick.
Oh? It seems like something got stuck in the syringe.
It shouldn’t be able to draw out anything other than blood… why is that?
Without worrying, I mixed the blood I drew from him with an unidentified substance, my homemade milk, and special propofol.
Since the substance drawn from him, which I could neither see nor understand, is also a part of him.
At that moment, it seemed like Siwoo was waking up.
I could tell immediately when his head twitched.
“Oh, you’re awake?”
I didn’t hear a response from him.
Is he still not awake?
“You woke up later than I expected. Sorry… was the stimulation a bit too strong?”
Still, I apologized to Siwoo.
I wanted him to share the same world as me too eagerly, unable to contain myself.
“Y-you crazy bitch…”
… Even I would feel hurt if the first words that came out were insults.
Siwoo tried to pull away from me.
‘What a pity.’
“.. What is your true identity?”
Identity? What identity does he mean?
Is he curious why I, the only S-rank healer celebrated in the world, am handling such drugs?
“.. T-the truth is that -”
“No, it’s better if I say it. You’re dealing with quite illegal things, aren’t you?”
“Ugh.. that’s not it…”
What should I do?
“Just answer yes or no. Is it illegal or not?”
“Y-yes…”
After that, I kept replying to Siwoo’s questions.
How long had he been passed out, and why could he wake up so quickly?
I answered all of Siwoo’s curiosities about that.
He asked three questions; I could easily respond to the first two.
He mentioned that the soul bound to the sword had disappeared, but that wasn’t my concern.
By the way, is he talking about that fox-like girl who clings to him?
It’s upsetting that he’s paying attention to another woman while I’m not even human.
This… can’t be forgiven, right?
‘Hah…’
While I was wondering how to make Siwoo come to his senses, the long-awaited final third question came in.
The question was about the fact that there was one needle for administering the drug, but two people getting high.
Ah… this seems to be a question inquiring about the effect of my ‘sensory sharing.’
‘… Not yet…’
I decided to divert the subject rather than tell him the truth.
I locked the door and stood in front of Siwoo again.
I clung to him and whispered my love in my own way.
But his response was somewhat evasive, like he was drawing a line.
At that moment, I thought, ‘If I’ve gone this far, maybe he won’t lose interest.’
But that action may have been wrong; his interest almost slipped away from me.
“Can I go home for now? I feel a bit tired now—”
“Do you dislike me?”
When I heard Siwoo’s words, my heart sank suddenly.
Am I tired of him?
“If you don’t dislike me… please answer.”
Am I the one who’s tired of it now?
“What, what?”
I steadied my heart and faced Siwoo.
“I—I’m a woman who knows how to repay love that is given…”
I spoke of what I truly wanted.
“Please… give me your love.”
What I wanted was just one thing.
Love.
“I need your affection… I’m sorry for saying this after doing such harsh things…”
Affection.
The time spent with him.
The moments we shared together.
The times we traveled together.
“But… I can’t be satisfied with just being close friends with you…”
Those short but intense memories flashed through my mind.
I found myself falling for him… No, I realized I was in love.
“Because, that kind of meager relationship is… insufficient.”
If you’re the kind-hearted person you are, surely you would grant my requests.
“If you don’t accept, I will cry….”
“You can’t cry anyway.”
My threats didn’t work.
I could have pressured him more and forcibly taken his love, but that wasn’t the love I wanted.
… Siwoo was continuously acting evasively.
If I didn’t pressure him for an answer, it felt like he wanted to brush this situation aside.
“You… so what’s your answer?”
“Ah… haha… Give me time to think!”
What a foolish person.
“Didn’t you feel the thrill of collapsing together with me?”
“What nonsense are you talking about…”
“Fear is one of the easiest emotions to turn into fondness. I’m sure I’ve heard that somewhere.”
It’s not something I specifically heard from somewhere.
I was just annoyed that he kept refusing to answer.
But I had no choice.
I had nowhere to retreat.
If I pulled back here… I would be.
Only a friend with painful eyes forever.
Until the moment I wake, until I go to sleep.
That’s why I had to make the first move.
“I think you’re misunderstanding something.”
The only method left for me was to be forceful.
“I didn’t give you the chance to choose, did I?”
“Uh…?”
Even if I felt guilty.
“Didn’t you hear? You have no choice.”
I had to pretend to be strong.
Just hiding the fact that I was forced to do so.
I didn’t want to lose him, so I hugged him tightly.
Even if I tried to hide it, the tremors of my body couldn’t be concealed from Siwoo.
But…
“Can we talk after releasing this?”
Why won’t he give me the answer I want?
“No…”
Am I asking for too much?
“Huh? What did you say?”
Now… no more…
“I said no!”
Siwoo… it’s hard to hold on.
“…”
I ended up yelling.
Siwoo… why doesn’t he answer?
“Why… why… why can’t you choose me easily? Do you already belong to someone else?”
I might look pitiful with my whining.
“Hm… that’s not it… it’s just—”
“Then just accept my confession…”
‘Then why…’
“… Why are you going this far?”
Are you really asking that?
“… Are you curious why I’m going this far?”
“… Yes.”
An opportunity presented itself to briefly share my life with him.
“I… I’ve been so lonely in this place. No one has ever treated me closely like you have. In fact, I’ve lived like a puppet for the association from the very beginning.”
Why the silence?
“I should start with this… when I first became an S-rank… I was so happy. All by myself.”
“… Alone?”
Fortunately, it seems he’s not entirely uninterested.
“Yes, alone.”
“Why? Your parents must have been really happy…”
Parents…
“I don’t have any.”
If given the chance, I’d like to see their faces.
“What do you mean?”
“My parents gave birth to me and abandoned me at the orphanage.”
“…”
“Because of my disability, no one helped me at the orphanage.”
It’s a sad story, yet I spoke without hesitation.
It seems I’ve grown indifferent to it now.
“Moreover… I became an adult and an S-rank, but no one welcomed me back at the orphanage. It felt like I was not welcome anywhere.”
Though I don’t seem to care…
“I have… many secrets… a basement… a special ability… and much more… So please… can you accept me?”
You seem different somehow.
“Can you think about it again when you get home today?”
“Are you testing my patience now?”
“No, I just want to be more careful—”
“Enough! I don’t want to hear excuses. I’ll have to use the method you used on me earlier. Let me say thank you in advance.”
I had no choice but to resort to the method Siwoo had used.
“What method did I tell you about?”
“You. Just answer yes or no.”
I considered what to ask.
No, I didn’t actually have to think.
I followed what my heart told me.
What my heart wanted to ask.
“Please answer just three things…”
“Oh. I’m listening.”
“Answer only with yes or no.”
“… Yes.”
The moment I heard that, my heart felt lighter.
It was like shedding the heaviness that had burdened my shoulders, as if chains of oppression had loosened.
“Then… you like me, right?”
“…”
“Ugh… since you didn’t answer, this question is invalid… no, it wasn’t even a question to begin with.”
I suddenly wanted to rub against him.
‘But right now…’
To gain certainty, I had to ask a slightly hesitant question.
“This is really the second question… are you a bit disappointed in my backside?”
“Yes.”
This time, after hearing those words, my heart sank.
It felt like riding a rollercoaster.
Feeling good one moment and bad the next.
“Siwoo… it hurts so much….”
“…”
I couldn’t collect my thoughts.
“I’m… too tired… *sniff*”
Even without tears, the sad feelings wouldn’t disappear.
When I looked at the world through you, when you looked at me, it felt like there was so much affection.
Was looking at the world through Siwoo just… a dream?
Yes, it probably was.
“You… it’s so painful…”
Dreams are merely a series of psychological phenomena that occur while sleeping.
“This pain can’t be healed…”
My ability is useless. Even such simple pain… if the wound isn’t visible, it can’t be treated.
It probably wouldn’t even show up on an endoscopy.
“Ah… I’ll ask the third question…”
I felt increasingly dizzy.
It was as if I could feel a nosebleed coming.
I guess I had no choice but to commit.
“D-do you still love me, even like this?”
“…. Yes.”
As soon as I heard the ‘yes’ sound.
I covered Siwoo’s mouth so he couldn’t speak anymore.
With my mouth. I sealed his lips.
‘What was he going to say…’
I couldn’t predict his answer since I only heard ‘yes.’
If his answer was ‘yes’… didn’t I act too early?
‘No… what if it’s ‘no’…’
It seemed like it would be hard to live in this world.
I felt like I might never be able to open my heart to someone again.
Do you know?
The association doesn’t have a rooftop.
It has a pyramid structure.
So right now, I’m holding his head.
Almost forcibly kissing at the highest point of the association.
With tongue, passionately.
I’ve committed.
…
Hehe, I’ve committed.
Faster than that fox.