Dream of Affection (Completed)

The next morning, after finishing an early meal, I sent for someone to go to the Jangseogak. Although the Jangseogak was a place permitted for the royal family, in practice, women hardly ever visited. According to tradition, it was an unwritten rule that women should not enter, as it was seen as unbecoming for women to be too literate.

I knew many characters, yet I always had to present myself as modest. My mother-in-law, who in this dream was the current Empress Dowager, was particularly uneasy with the depth of my learning. She constantly advised that scholarly prowess was not a point of pride for a woman, and to avoid showing it.

It took the court ladies I had sent to the Jangseogak half a day to return. If I had gone myself, it would have been quicker, but I couldn’t; I was a noblewoman, after all. I looked down at the paper where I had written the book titles. Suddenly, I realized the quality of the paper was exceedingly fine.

This paper, known as yesoji, was the finest grade, typically reserved for the Emperor’s use and only distributed sparingly to a few select individuals. Yet here I was, using it to jot down book titles. This was not what this paper was meant for.

“Court Lady Seo, store this paper properly and prepare a different type. Yesoji is not meant to be used for such things.”

At my words, Court Lady Seo looked at me quietly. It was unusual for her, who usually responded promptly. Puzzled, I met her gaze, and she flinched before quickly bowing her head, “Yes, my lady. As you command.”

Why is she acting like that? I tilted my head, but soon turned my attention away as the court ladies from the Jangseogak appeared, their arms laden with scrolls. I had more pressing matters to attend to.

Once everyone left and silence settled over the study, I began unrolling the scrolls and reading through them one by one. I disliked the idea of people coming and going; there were always spies who reported what I was doing and reading. While such things were an inevitable part of life in the palace, I wanted to keep this as private as possible.

After some time, I found what I was looking for—a record detailing the fire in the Eastern Palace.

“…What?”

The Eastern Palace fire.

It had occurred only three months after I was confined to the Cold Palace.

Three months?

Three months, it said? Then when did His Highness the Crown Prince return to the palace? Had he completed his northern campaign and come back? The war couldn’t have ended so soon.

Three months… What time is it now?

How long have I been dreaming without waking up?

A cascade of scrolls tumbled down. I must have bumped the stack with my elbow. Startled, I glanced to the side. The scattered scrolls seemed to mirror the chaos of my current situation. What a foolish thought. Scrolls could be picked up and put back in place.

I paused as I picked one up. It was by chance that I noticed the words on an unfurled scroll:

It is presumed that Deposed Empress Shim died in her sleep.

A chill ran down my spine.

It is presumed that Deposed Empress Shim died in her sleep.

I read that phrase over and over before carefully bundling the scrolls and sending them back to the Jangseogak. That night, I couldn’t sleep. For some time now, even when I slept in this dream, I would not wake up in reality. If I went to sleep tonight, would I wake up in the real world? If I didn’t wake up, how many days would it have been since I last opened my eyes in reality?

Am I still alive?

Or am I dead, dreaming this endless dream?

I thought about many things throughout the night. Among the fragments of information, I had to decide. The Eastern Palace fire—if it occurred three months after I was sent to the Cold Palace, then not much time would be left in reality. I needed to wake up. I had to break free from this dream and act in the real world. But how? How could I wake up from this dream? It wasn’t something I could do at will.

How could I wake up?

After deep thought, I recalled being choked by His Majesty. I woke up from the pain back then. Would inflicting pain help me wake up now? It might be possible. The moment that idea crossed my mind, I sprang to my feet. I had to act when no one was around. As a princess, I was constantly surrounded by attendants, making solitude hard to come by. Of course, I could dismiss them, but they served both to attend to me and to keep watch. It was best not to put them in difficult positions.

What would be the sharpest tool? A hairpin—a hairpin might be just right. I couldn’t leave a wound on this body. It wasn’t even my own body, and while a bruise might be manageable, leaving a permanent scar was out of the question. Scars on a woman’s body could spell disaster. Surely, such a mark wouldn’t remain, right?

I had never inflicted harm on another person. I hesitated with the hairpin in hand. My fingers trembled as I clenched it tightly. It wasn’t so much the fear of pain as the discomfort of wounding a body that wasn’t mine. But then—

“I have a scar on my hand.”

The image of him covering his scarred hand flashed before me, dissolving any remaining hesitation. I raised the hairpin above my head and brought it down hard onto my thigh.

The pain was so intense that my vision went black for a moment.

“Ah!”

I bolted upright. I had used all my strength to stab myself, thinking I needed to get it over with in one strike, but it hurt far more than I’d expected. It was excruciating enough to make my vision darken. Tears welled up in my eyes.

It hurt—so much. As I sobbed and looked around, I noticed the faint dawn light streaming through an old, decrepit window.

I had returned.

“Aaaaaaah!”

The maid who entered my room screamed. I almost joined in. What was a person doing in my room, isolated in the Cold Palace? As I widened my eyes in surprise, the maid made a strange, stuttering noise before bolting out of the room. Her inability to scream properly revealed that she was mute. A mute maid? Why would there be a mute maid in the palace?

Soon after, someone else entered. Oh, I recognized him. It was Woo Tae-ui, but a much younger version. As I blinked at him, he stood frozen, barely able to meet my eyes, nervously introducing himself.

He was indeed from the Woo family and a young physician at the court. Apparently, the guards had found it odd that I hadn’t taken any meals for days, reported it to their superiors, and eventually, the mute maid had come to check on me and discovered me unconscious. She must have been caring for me under the physician’s orders.

“Has His Highness the Crown Prince returned to the palace?”

My question made Woo Tae-ui pause. He seemed uncertain of how to respond. Being new, he looked like he wasn’t sure what the proper protocol was. I coaxed him gently. I wasn’t asking for anything grand; it was only natural to be concerned about one’s only husband. After a long silence, he answered in a small voice.

“He has returned.”

He has returned? What about the war?

“Did he achieve victory?”

My question made Woo Tae-ui’s face take on a pained expression. Seeing that look, I felt I knew what decision he had made. If I hadn’t seen him in the dream, I would never have known. If I hadn’t encountered him there, I couldn’t have imagined that he would abandon the battlefield and return because of me.

But now I understood. Even though I was trapped in the body of the twelve-year-old princess, he recognized my distress and couldn’t simply overlook it.

This cannot be. This is a grave offense against the Emperor, an act of disloyalty. Discussion of the Crown Prince’s deposition would be inevitable. The blood drained from my face, and Woo Tae-ui sighed. Before I realized it, I grabbed his arm, holding on tightly as I asked,

“What punishment has His Highness received?”

“He is currently under house arrest.”

“Currently?”

I nearly clung to him as I questioned further. Currently? That meant the final judgment hadn’t been made yet. I don’t know what expression I had on my face, but Woo Tae-ui looked extremely uncomfortable. In truth, he likely didn’t want to speak to me at all. It was understandable. Talking to someone accused only brought trouble, and he stood to gain nothing but trouble from it.

“I heard that deposition is being discussed.”

Deposition.

My heart sank with a thud. Deposition? If the Crown Prince were deposed, his fate would become uncertain. I let go of Woo Tae-ui’s arm, lacking both the strength and reason to hold on any longer. Deposition. A chill ran through me.

The Crown Prince was the only child born to the Empress. Like Princess Yu-eum, he was the legitimate heir, a son, naturally designated as the Crown Prince.

The circumstances between the Empress and Consort Hye are complex, entangled even with the Emperor. Originally, His Majesty was not the Crown Prince. The position was held by his older brother, who was born of the primary wife. Unfortunately, that prince was frail and eventually died without ascending the throne. The second prince, who was then a royal prince, became the new heir.

The deceased Crown Prince, although unmarried, had been betrothed to a woman from the Shim family, who bore the distinctive flower-petal-shaped birthmark. At that time, the future Emperor already had a queen—Consort Hye—and children. But the Dowager Empress, fearing the legitimacy issues of an heir not born as the eldest, insisted that the fiancée of the deceased prince, the woman with the heavenly mark, be taken as the new Crown Princess.

Consort Hye, the future Emperor’s first wife, was then demoted as her husband’s status rose. At the time, she was pregnant with their third child, yet she had to oversee preparations for the new Crown Princess’s entrance.

This event left a deep rift in what had once been a loving marriage. Consort Hye, once bright and cheerful, became perpetually quiet. His Majesty grew resentful of the Shim family and distanced himself from the Dowager Empress, leading to strained relations with the current Empress as well.

In this tangled situation, the Empress miraculously bore her only child, the Crown Prince, after years of struggle. His Majesty rarely visited the Empress’s chambers, so the birth was considered almost miraculous. The Empress had even lost a child before that. Eventually, she gave birth, and that child became the Crown Prince, the revered heir of this grand empire.

Consort Hye has four princes and two princesses. The eldest prince, Un-wang, is twenty years older than the Crown Prince and is known for his striking appearance but also for his notorious temper.

If he were to ascend to the throne, the Crown Prince’s life would be at risk. Un-wang is not known for sparing rivals, especially not legitimate ones. Should he become emperor, a bloodbath would be inevitable. This isn’t just my belief—it’s a thought that anyone in the palace would entertain.

He should never have come back.

Absolutely not.