Delusive Fate

#092

I thought it would be like this.

Ki Baek-woo slowly slid down with his back against the front door.

I thought it would end up like this, but….

The metal front door was as cold as ice. The chill easily penetrated through the combat shirt tightly wrapped around his upper body. Ki Baek-woo thought this temperature was similar to his reality. His body and mind felt frozen solid. He couldn’t bring himself to enter the house. The outcome was obvious anyway. The living room, visibly in disarray even at a glance, a chilling silence contrary to the messy scene… And Lee Han-sol not answering his phone.

‘No, it’s not that hyung is deliberately not answering. He just can’t answer. Because… calls don’t go through… to non-existent numbers….’

This was enough.

It was clear that Lee Han-sol wasn’t here. Ki Baek-woo just wanted to stop thinking there. Should he wait, would Lee Han-sol come back if he waited, or if not… he didn’t know. His head started to throb. Ki Baek-woo had no energy left, exhaling shallow breaths just a little at a time. Fatigue washed over him.

Slumped down like a wet stuffed animal, Ki Baek-woo blankly stared at his two legs sprawled lifelessly on the entrance tiles. The black combat pants covering his legs were dirty. Caked-on dirt, unknown stains created by the apocalypse… and a few small blood stains dotted in between. Traces of rolling non-stop through gates for days remained on the black fabric. Ki Baek-woo rubbed the blood stains, barely distinguishable due to the dark color, for no particular reason.

“It’s dirty…”

Ki Baek-woo thought listlessly that he should have changed his combat uniform before coming. Why did he come all this way in such a dirty state in such a hurry? There was no need to rush like that when it would end up like this anyway. Ki Baek-woo briefly recalled the situation when he had just come out after destroying the gate core. The scene of researchers who remained at the site running towards him with surprised faces.

Why did the raid end so quickly? Much faster than predicted, hey, Hunter Ki, what are you doing? No, wait. Stop for a moment, Hunter Ki Baek-woo!

People crowded around, and Ki Baek-woo brushed them off. He took off his plate carrier with hasty hands and threw it aside, then walked with long strides like someone focused only on what was ahead. People couldn’t hide their bewilderment at Ki Baek-woo’s reckless hurry.

‘No, no matter how busy you are, you should at least do the on-site briefing before you go…! Hey, Hunter Ki!’

Ki Baek-woo ignored his surroundings as if he couldn’t hear anything, keeping his mouth tightly shut. People whispered about him behaving uncharacteristically indiscriminately.

‘What’s going on, why is Hunter Ki acting like that?’

‘He’s been ignoring calls for a while… Has he gone a bit strange?’

Murmurs. The atmosphere quickly became noisy.

‘Doctors, I’ll do the on-site briefing instead, so let’s just leave Hunter Ki alone.’

‘Hunter Lee, do you know why Hunter Ki is acting like this?’

‘I don’t know. I have no idea. But he was rampaging alone throughout the raid. You should have seen him pushing forward while his nose was bleeding… Whatever it is, he doesn’t seem to be in a state to communicate, so let’s just leave him be.’

Ki Baek-woo didn’t care at all whether someone mentioned his name or what they were saying. He just kept thinking that he needed to go home right now. From the moment he entered the gate until he found and destroyed the core and escaped. Ki Baek-woo thought only of that the entire time.

I need to go home.

Quickly, to our home.

“How pathetic…”

He self-deprecatingly remarked with no expression. Why did I think that way? Did I think something would change if I hurried even a minute or a second faster? That Lee Han-sol might still be here if I came quickly… That there might be a bit of sincerity in his promise, that I might be able to meet him if I came urgently… Did I really have such expectations…

When I knew everything all along.

‘Anyway, come back, I’ll be at home.’

The words Lee Han-sol had said as he finally sent Ki Baek-woo out of the house. The gesture of nodding and saying “promise” while entwining his pinky with Ki Baek-woo’s outstretched one. The excited voice repeatedly saying, ‘Hyung’s not going anywhere. I’ll be stuck at home until you come back. I promise, so hurry back,’ with a face full of life after a very long time….

Ki Baek-woo had already noticed then. Lee Han-sol wasn’t making any promise with him at all. All the words Lee Han-sol was saying now were fake. Not a single word… was sincere…. How could he not know? Ki Baek-woo knew Lee Han-sol better than anyone else.

Ki Baek-woo was the person who knew Lee Han-sol best in the world. Lee Han-sol didn’t obsess over trivial things and didn’t worry unnecessarily about things. Ki Baek-woo, who was always painfully overthinking, knew much more about him than Lee Han-sol, who had many indifferent and careless aspects. Ki Baek-woo thought this was his greatest strength. It was the only thing he was proud of in all aspects of himself. Even now… he thinks so. Despite how miserable it makes him.

Where did it start?

Ah, yes, from there. The day Lee Han-sol pressed and cornered Ki Baek-woo.

‘Why are you arbitrarily not going on raids?’

Why do you keep doing such strange things? Clinging, following, and even today, Ki Baek-woo, are you really crazy? Why did you come to the central district and wait like that? How did you know when I’d come out, and at the bus stop of all places…! Why are you really like this? You do plenty of things no one asked you to do, but why don’t you do what you’re supposed to? You stay home all day, why don’t you go to the gates, why!

That day, Lee Han-sol didn’t hide his exasperation with Ki Baek-woo as he angrily scolded him. Of course, Lee Han-sol had always been like that from a certain point… Anyway, Ki Baek-woo was particularly cornered that day.

He hadn’t been able to sleep or eat for quite a long time. Days when terrible dreams followed when he closed his eyes, and nausea that made him want to vomit continued when he opened them. Ki Baek-woo’s mind and body were precariously close to collapse.

It was Lee Han-sol who made him like this. Lee Han-sol, who acted as if he would leave right away. In other words, the paranoia that Ki Baek-woo had been secretly creating, ruminating on, and being terrified of for almost his entire life. Unlike before when there was no basis and he somehow endured it… now Lee Han-sol was directly saying and acting like he would leave.

The current Lee Han-sol didn’t seem to like Ki Baek-woo very much. In the meantime, Ki Baek-woo had committed a shameless betrayal. Whether he committed that betrayal willingly or not, he had become a traitor anyway, and a dirty traitor didn’t even have the right to cling and cry. Now Lee Han-sol was someone who could leave Ki Baek-woo at any time.

That’s why Ki Baek-woo chose to do strange things, clinging to Lee Han-sol, following him around, waiting aimlessly at the bus stop like a stalker, staying at home all day, only by Lee Han-sol’s side, unable to go to the gates. Because he was certain that the moment he left his place even for a moment, Lee Han-sol would throw away this place filled with their memories to anyone and disappear… He couldn’t help it.

Ki Baek-woo just… just thought about staying by Lee Han-sol’s side no matter what. He had to prove somehow that he was an object worth keeping around like a washing machine or vacuum cleaner. Ah, if only hyung was like those sex addicts out there. If I could be a bit more attractive… If hyung could feel sexual desire for me, regardless of his feelings or heart….

If he could make Lee Han-sol think, ‘Ki Baek-woo is a somewhat useful and convenient being. So there’s no need to throw him away,’ Ki Baek-woo wouldn’t mind being treated like a whore for sexual relief. If Lee Han-sol wanted, he would be fine with being taken any way in the busy central street, in front of everyone pointing fingers. Really, he meant it….

By that point, Ki Baek-woo’s condition had become serious, as if he had fallen ill. If Lee Han-sol was out of sight even for a moment, his heart would start pounding as if it would burst right away, and his vision would blur and turn white. Tears would pour out uncontrollably. It wasn’t that he was thinking of anything particularly unhappy, it just happened automatically.

Everything was reflexive. The day Lee Han-sol, who usually never met acquaintances privately, went out. Even the incident of following him like a stalker, knowing he would hate it, just happened automatically. Like a survival instinct.

The argument that followed after returning home that day was futile. In fact, he hadn’t meant to show such an ugly side. Ki Baek-woo had been regretting it ever since he knelt before Lee Han-sol and muttered to himself like a madman.

He should have spoken properly, looking as pitiful as possible but not annoying, in a plausible manner. Ah, even I would be sick of myself. Terrible and disgusting Ki Baek-woo…. He laughed a little as he held onto the toilet bowl, vomiting stomach acid. It’s ruined.

It seems like it’s all over. Since it’s come to this anyway, should I just say I’m going to die? I’m trash anyway, I’ll die if hyung leaves. So should I go out now and do something stupid like saying I’ll kill myself if hyung leaves? It might be okay now since there’s no lower to fall….

And if it really ends, I can just die then. Ki Baek-woo staggered out of the bathroom. Lee Han-sol approached him.

‘Are you okay?’

With a face that seemed worried about him.

‘…Ah.’

Ki Baek-woo stopped blankly. Should he grab the window railing and say he’s going to jump, or should he brandish a knife or something…? All the pointless thoughts that had been flowing listlessly in his resigned state stopped completely. Lee Han-sol looked straight at Ki Baek-woo, who was rambling in a faint voice. And he said,

‘Why wouldn’t I like you?’

Ki Baek-woo knew. That was the beginning of the lies. Everything after that was all lies. The words saying he didn’t dislike Ki Baek-woo. The words saying he wouldn’t abandon Ki Baek-woo. The touch that patted him to sleep, the embrace that held him. All of it was fake. Ki Baek-woo knew. The reason he immediately kept his mouth shut despite knowing was just… he simply couldn’t refuse.

Because Lee Han-sol’s eyes, which hadn’t shone for him for a while, were sparkling again after such a long time. He was mesmerized by that light. It was so enchanting that he felt weak and dizzy for a moment.

Even though he knew that all the pleasant words Lee Han-sol was saying were deception, Ki Baek-woo found himself nodding unconsciously. Knowing it wouldn’t be kept, he still said meaningless words like “promise”. He held out his straightened pinky finger. He could feel the emptiness in Lee Han-sol’s gesture of intertwining their fingers. Still, Ki Baek-woo pretended not to notice and remained still.

‘Since we promised, no more talking about it.’

Because Lee Han-sol looked at him with a bright smile as he said that. So Ki Baek-woo had no choice but to be deceived even though he knew everything. If he didn’t let himself be deceived, Lee Han-sol’s eyes would turn cold again, and this dazzling smile he was seeing after such a long time would immediately distort into contempt. For now… he just wanted to see this a little longer. Just a little bit more…. So Ki Baek-woo let himself be deceived even though he knew.

Even though he had a gut feeling that Lee Han-sol would go somewhere while he was away….

“Maybe I just… wanted to believe it.”

I don’t know. Ki Baek-woo shakily raised his body that had been leaning against the front door.

Since I’ve come home anyway… I guess I should go in.

Ki Baek-woo’s feet, staggering from dizziness, slowly stepped into the house.