Deep Down Your Black Heart

You breathe the fresh air of freedom the moment it stops hurting. Have you ever experienced pain so great it stops hurting? There is a limitation to every living thing's nature. The most tame animal will attack if cornered. When you can no longer hold onto the suffering and agony in this unfair phenomena we call life -when you are shoved repetitively to your breaking point -when they won't rest until they see your entity shatter into a million pieces there are only two available options; fight or flight.

It is only my nature, I can't help it, but does it make me a monster? I have numerous social interactions in my head, I have loved ones, I dare say I even have a family in there, but let me let you in on a little secret, mom… dad. Never once have I had a daydream with you playing the role of a parent. In a world so intricate… so complex, I cannot simply remove you from my dreams. No,... it doesn't make any sense. It does not align with the rules of my imagination. But I also don't want you meddling with my life in there so what do I do? Well, I am a great many things but one thing I am not is an empath towards those who cause me repetitive pain. 

Considering how many times you have died by my hand, with passion in my dark brown wide open excited eyes, the ways I have tortured you and watched you unphased by the pain I see you in, the way I made you bleed to the point of passing out… I enjoy seeing you in pain, truthfully. The more helpless you are the better I want to see you beg for your life on your knees with tears in your eyes while I take my time and enjoy every moment as I hold the .50 caliber handgun at point blank range to your head with a genuine smile on my bloodied face, hands soiled with your blood. Every time I end your life in my dreams, your presence, your love, your opinions, your very being becomes more and more worthless to me in reality. You regret the way you raised me. I see that, you pushed me to the edge, I told you that, you're trying to be better now, I see that. But deep down I don't accept that. I can't accept that you want to change for the better for me. But I know you care, you care enough to cry at my words and actions and that gives me a little power; a little control and I love it. You created this monster, you cannot take it back, now deal with the consequences or let me go. It does not change a thing now. But I am not unreasonable. I will hold myself back from hurting you as long as you stay out of my way. On the other hand, I beg you, please give me a reason to hurt you once more. I want to feel the joy and freedom it brings me. I hope you raise my brother well. I would hate for him to end up like me. Use your lessons from your biggest mistake to create a beautiful soul.

I wonder if I still love you

I'm sorry it's just in my nature.

Letter To The Reader

If you've made it this far, there's no doubt you understand who I am—or at least, you think you do. For that, I appreciate your time and patience. I know it hasn't been easy, especially if my morals clash with your own.

As a reward for your persistence, I offer you something deeply personal: a story from my dreams. This is no ordinary tale. It is raw, unfiltered, and exactly as it unfolded in my mind. Every detail, every dark corner, will be laid bare.

If your intention was merely to understand how my mind works, this is where your journey should end. What follows is not for the faint-hearted. It is a descent into the most disturbing recesses of my imagination. It will challenge you, unsettle you, and perhaps even haunt you.

Are you prepared to step into the shadows of my mind, knowing there is no comfort here? If you proceed, you do so willingly, abandoning all expectations of ease. This is your choice. Whatever lies ahead, you cannot say you were not warned. Now, if you are ready, let us begin. At your own discretion.

Note: music increases the intensity of the daydreams and the stories are crafted with the emotion felt from them. I will include the music in each section if you are up the challenge of being fully immersed.

Have the music on 30% volume or lower with earbuds or headphones and on repeat until the section is over. Focus on visualization. Read slowly and take in each sentence as you read. Be alone and undistracted.