Come Back

When his face was no longer visible, he became even more affectionate. Choi Hong-seo buried his face in the pillow he was hugging and closed his eyes.

Lying side by side with her on her stomach, he stroked Choi Hong-seo’s hair for a long time. When he closed his eyes and felt that touch, it seemed no different from before.

Sleep well, forget all your worries and pain, and sleep soundly by my side. It was like the time he held me in his arms and put me to sleep.

His hand, which had moved down from his shoulder, now gently brushed over the skin. Like touching a delicate and very expensive piece of craftsmanship that would get damaged at the slightest lapse in attention.

Gently stroking the upper back with the entire palm, he pulled up the collar of the pajama top that had been half-removed. After that, a hand as heavy as a heart was placed gently, wrapping around the back of the neck.

With my eyes closed and lying face down, I focused on each of his gestures with my sense of touch.

His face came close enough for me to feel his breath on the part of my head where hair was starting to grow.

The scent of the perfume I had sprayed on my bare skin was fading, but the impact of his breath was powerful. His forehead, the bridge of his nose, was touching the back of his head and neck. It was sweet and fragrant.

As if to whisper something, he took a deep breath.

The forehead that touched the back of the head moved side to side. He was shaking his head.

“Finally, a crazy beggar…”

“……”

“You’re out of your mind.”

With a trembling sigh, he criticized himself as if talking to himself.

Soon, his body moved away. After a brief pause, the palm, smeared with gel, slipped inside the pajama bottoms, pushing against the buttocks. Flinch, the body stiffened, but the skilled hands kneading the buttocks like a massage soon made the muscles relax.

With a sticky and sensual viscous liquid, his fingers teased the entrance. As he checked if it had softened enough, his fingertips pressed firmly around the anal area, making it feel like they would soon delve deep inside, causing his breath to falter.

We are not lovers. So I knew that kissing or caressing wasn’t a necessary step. The main purpose of this kind of sexual encounter is the release of sexual tension through penetrative sex, not to share intimacy through kisses, hugs, or caresses. There was no obligation to carefully lick and soothe the anus of someone I didn’t even love.

I know. I thought I was prepared for everything.

Can you hold me like Choi Hong-seo? Because you asked like that. Did you really have the expectation that I would treat you like the real Choi Hong-seo?

The sex, which omitted the process of deep, melting caresses and soothing kisses that warmed the entire body, and the careful oral stimulation of the anus done solely with tongue and lips without any gel, left Choi Hong-seo bewildered.

“Ugh.”

His fingers entered the sufficiently softened entrance. Choi Hong-seo unconsciously tightened the hole with his buttocks. It was as if she was rejecting and pushing away his fingers.

It was the body I had loved and desired so much. The way he entered was unfamiliar. It wasn’t rough, but it wasn’t gentle either. As a preparatory process for inserting the penis, I was simply moving efficiently to properly relax the anus.

I didn’t really understand what it meant to embrace him with someone else’s body.

I still didn’t quite understand what it meant to wake up from death in someone else’s body and come back to life.

There was no way to know.

Even if it’s just through someone imitating his lover, what must his feelings be like, wanting to numb the pain even for a moment? I didn’t know well.

I couldn’t figure out how to be wise.

Rather than being wise, I just desperately wanted to be by his side. Even if it was a decision that was both foolish and selfish.

“Ugh…”

As he pulled down the band of the pajamas, his buttocks were further exposed. A long, thick finger pushed deep inside. The insertion of the finger, devoid of emotion, felt almost like a medical procedure.

There was no way he could be excited by such a dry act. Choi Hong-seo’s body also remained tense.

It’s different from what I expected. I still couldn’t fully accept the fact that I wasn’t Choi Hong-seo. The reality that I can’t be loved by him like before…

At least I knew that we were together now. Whether it was pain or sorrow, being with him was the only hope I had as Yoon Hye-an. But he… He, who is still suffering from Choi Hong-seo’s death… Is this really what he wants right now?

In an attempt to crawl towards the headboard of the bed, Choi Hong-seo wriggled on the sheets.

“Ugh.”

The finger that followed bent inside to widen the inner wall. Even though he was touching me, I couldn’t feel any pleasure.

The pillow I was burying my face in became hot and soaked. To avoid being caught, I clenched my jaw and stifled the sound.

“Why are you crying?”

Even though it seemed like nothing had leaked out, he immediately noticed.

I shook my head, saying I wasn’t crying.

“Is it because you’re sick?”

Once again, I shook my head more firmly.

Behind the sound of a heavy sigh, his fingers slipped out from within her body.

“Ugh, no, that’s not it…” Sniff…

“What do you mean it’s not?”

“Ah, heh…” No, sob… No… no…

“Exactly.” What do you mean by “what”?

“Sir…” Sniff, I’ve never done anything like this before… So…

As his body heat faded away, Choi Hong-seo felt her body cooling down and lifted herself up from her prone position. In the tear-blurred vision, he was moving with his back turned. He had somehow taken off his robe and was completely naked.

“Let’s quit.” Holding onto someone who’s crying… Anyway, it won’t work out.

“……”

“Wash up first.” Take your time.

He never looked back while speaking. What I could see were his firm buttocks perched on the edge of the bed, his broad back, and his thick shoulders adorned with prominent deltoids. Nevertheless, confusion emanated from that back view.

He was using his entire body to breathe, with his arms resting on his thighs and his jaw clenched. As if trying to control some intense emotion.

Choi Hong-seo, who wiped his tear-streaked face with his palm, quietly looked at his back.

I was scared every moment.

Even though I was alive in this world, breathing, it was terrifying to feel like a ghost wandering among people, unable to be seen by anyone. According to the shaman’s words, even if I walked and spoke pretending to be alive, I was still a corpse, and even if I felt joy, anger, sorrow, and pleasure, I was still a ghost.

Only in the moments when he was by his side could he truly feel that he was Choi Hong-seo, that he was grounded and alive.

Even when he terrifyingly pressured ‘Yoon Hye-an’, even when he tested him as if playing a role, and even now when he demands that he become a substitute for Choi Hong-seo… The fact that Lee Hae-seong still couldn’t forget Choi Hong-seo, and that he couldn’t let anything related to Choi Hong-seo pass by without a sensitive reaction, was what kept Choi Hong-seo alive as Choi Hong-seo.

Slowly, it crawled forward on his back.

Even though he would feel the presence approaching right behind him, he didn’t move.

Every time he breathed, his broad back gently swelled and then subsided, and Choi Hong-seo’s index finger touched the center of it.

“……”

As if subdued by that insignificant and trivial force, his strong body ceased all movement.

The real Choi Hong-seo, lying on the bed in my room at the UN Village accommodation with a body burning with fever, almost for the first time, clung to him and threw a tantrum, saying not to go.

To avoid touching, Choi Hong-seo playfully poked his fingers on the back of Lee Hae-sung, who was lying facing the other way.

Back then, I wrote some words on his back…

Did I say I love you? Did I say let’s get married? Did we say we would run away together?

No, those were all things that Ihaesung had said. I hadn’t forgotten a single memory with him.

Slowly, he moved his fingers and began to write. That day, it wasn’t the scribbles he had doodled on his back. Just… It was what the current Choi Hong-seo wanted to say to him.

Mi… No… Ha…

I couldn’t finish the sentence I was about to say, and he turned his waist to look at me.

I tightly grasped Choi Hong-seo’s wrist, which had awkwardly stopped in mid-air. A heart was beating within the grasped wrist. He applied pressure as if he were going to crush the wrist bone. Like someone witnessing a miracle, his face, as he looked at Choi Hong-seo, was filled with awe, confusion, and an incomprehensible shock.

I felt alive. Whether through another person’s body or anything else, in this moment when he looked at me, spoke to me, and recognized me, I could feel alive. Only by him.

He stared straight into Choi Hong-seo’s eyes, his lips twitching.

“At the birthday party.”

“……”

“I got involved between you and that man.”

He was talking about Yoon Hye-an’s birthday party. The idol group member who was said to have had a casual relationship with Yoon Hye-an. Lee Hae-sung, who had intervened in the argument between Yoon Hye-an and the man, seemed like he was about to pounce on the other person at any moment. He didn’t hide his displeasure and acted arrogantly towards the other person.

“You said you couldn’t stand seeing me being bullied.” You said you were angry.”

“……”

“I wasn’t really that kind of good person to begin with.”

This was something said to Choi Hong-seo, not Yoon Hye-an. On their first date on Sowol-ro. In the narrow alley where the orange-colored honeysuckle was spilling down the wall.

“…… Why is that?”Why is that?

At that time, Lee Haesung had a confident expression on his face. He already knew the answer, but his expression seemed to say he wanted you to think about the answer to this question yourself. But now, Yeseong was completely different. The face, filled with a desperate plea for an answer, was twisted in pain.

“Even though you dislike me, you helped me earlier.”

At the party that day, Choi Hong-seo had said that to Lee Hae-sung. And now he was saying that it was a mistake.

His hand approached and gently cupped Choi Hong-seo’s cheek. His thumb moved across the cheek like a wiper. Only then did Choi Hong-seo realize that he was crying.

“My heart is torn.”

“Hhh, hhh… Huu, hhh…”

“It’s someone else crying, but… there’s no way my heart could hurt like this.”

“Uncle, hhh, I… I… hhh…”

“I know.”

His hand, which had been caressing the cheek, now wrapped around the back of the neck. His forehead touched Choi Hong-seo’s forehead.

He knew everything. So, there was no need to speak painfully. He nodded.