As Heavens Divide

Pregnant? Xin's ears rang as his heart tried to escape his chest. She's pregnant?!

Yes, that's what happens when you fuck like rabbits, you dumb retard. You fantasized about it as you owned her, now it's your reality, kid. Hahaha! The totem laughed as it gloated, delighted. I might be dying soon, but you'll have to live with this shit!

"I see. You sure it's not a malady of some sort?" Xin's voice was calm, despite the storm raging within.

"Xin... We did it so many times. For weeks. Inside. Could start a whole clan with that amount. It's almost certain, I'll know for sure in a week. Our tribe has some methods."

"I don't feel ready, but I don't have to be. I'll take responsibility, no matter what choice we make."

"Glad to hear that. It's our shared mistake, I appreciate that you're acting mature." Erdeni wiped her tears.

"Mistake?" Xin sprang up. His composure didn't last him long, and tears flowed down his face. The dagger in his chest twisted once again. "Mistake?! This whole thing, mistake? A gift of life, mistake? Did you not think it might happen, when you came and let me own you, time and time again?"

"Own me? What's with that, Xin? You think you owned me?"

"It's a figure of speech, a phrase! Don't deflect, what did you think would happen? Or did you think things would figure themselves out? On their own? When you entered this forest, and saw me scarred and wild, about to snap... Chose to warm me, soothe me. Tame me. What did you think would happen? I am ready to take responsibility, but are you?! This talk we're having, was it a part of your teenage fantasies?" I'm hurting her. Hurting myself. Fuck.

Erdeni sulked. He knew… This whole time, he knew. Understood me deeply. Knew what drives me, how childish my desires are… And still loved me. Erdeni felt vulnerable, exposed. Naked. But this time, she felt like running away, not clinging to Xin.

"Teenage fantasies? What we had, you're calling it teenage fantasies? I thought it was real, all of it. I won't let anyone demean it, even you. You're hurting, Xin. And you're saying… rude stuff. You don't even mean it. Yet I see your point. We both did it to ourselves, but now it's time to think what to do next. Let's stop pointing fingers. I'm sorry for calling it a mistake, it's just… It was unplanned and too early. I don't regret it happening."

Xin was astonished. This woman, finding strength within to be a bigger person as I am stinging her… I love her. She's perfect.

"Erdeni, I never told you this, but I spent years in melancholy. Passive. Catatonic, almost. My hometown, Tealstone, was ruined by forces I couldn't defeat. It was the right choice to run away, yet to this day, I still feel guilty. I have an urge to protect the innocent, and a childish desire to make the world better — it might sound stupid, but that's me. We all die in the end, and these are the terms I want to die on — trying to leave this world better than I entered it."

Despite their quarrel, Erdeni's eyes shone in admiration — the words Xin said were eerily similar to how she justified helping her tribe. But what he just said sounds unrelated to our discussion, unless…?

"Xin. No! You lucked out once, you can't do this again!" Xin wants to hunt down the Moss Bush demoness!

"Circumstances changed. I'll soon have the white tiger totem. She lost most of her army, and sustained severe meridian and soul damage. If there is truly a child in your womb, I have to do it for their sake. And for yours."

"I hate this! First you're breaking up with me, then you're saying you'll go and risk death for my sake anyway! And when I toy with the idea of leaving the tribe for your sake, you forbid me? What is this torture?"

"I don't want to lock you into a decision before the demoness is killed, that's it. Would be a loss of face if you announced you're leaving the tribe to be with me and then I died a day later. Let me finish with the totem, it's abilities are perfect for fighting her. Once I return, we'll talk again."

"This whole talk… Quite a ride." She sighed and wiped her dry eyes, still salty from tears. "Maybe we should do something to blow some steam off, don't you think?"

Xin tensed his lips:

"Yes, let's watch the lake. I can heat a bit of wine with spices."

"I meant something physical. Between us."

"I am not interested in make-up sex. We both need to relax, and I need to retain focus on the cultivation."

"Jerk."

Xin leaned and kissed her forehead.

"I'll heat the wine."

***

Two days later.

Xin put his hands together, pressing his fingers to each other and forming a triangle symbol. He focused once again.

Body.

Spirit.

Senses.

Roar! He fully manifested the spirit of the tiger totem. It was an average-sized tiger, but with dark orange fur, and chaotic, uneven black stripes. As its pitch black eyes looked into Xin's once again, it was pretty evident — the totem was corrupted.

A botched refinement, a mentally unstable previous owner and a lack of human qi in its yaoguai donor certainly made the totem more unhinged and fierce — but on the upside, it was easier to tame, as it lacked the spiritual resistance of a healthy totem. This slight corruption shouldn't be a problem for the white tiger totem refinement either — it would just make it a bit longer and more expensive, but I've got some materials to spare.

"You've summoned me once again. Now what?" The tiger spoke without opening its mouth. It circled around Xin menacingly, to get on his nerves, but couldn't will itself to harm its owner.

"I need to make sure I mastered this move. That's it."

"You're progressing so rapidly, I'm impressed. Even you are."

"I know what you're trying to say. There are objective reasons for this. My materials are top-notch, the manuals are written for soul-gifted mortals, yet I am at Foundation stage and can endure more soul strain, your refinement was botched slightly, making you corrupt, and apparently I'm quite talented. The hardest part was the ascesis, which almost killed me, so let's not pretend I had it easy."

"Words. Words. Words. I have an easier explanation — we aren't as incompatible as you were made to think. Refining me into a white tiger — a beast of justice and protecting the innocent? Stupid, Xin. Your number one instinct is survival, you're a genius at it. It's what drives you, what makes you feel alive. That's why I submitted so fast once you uncovered this part of yourself. We are very compatible, Xin. Stop denying this."

"Nah, I'll take the white tiger. Thank you." Xin smirked. I have to study his thinking, his behaviour. He is soaked with my human qi, but is less intelligent. As long as my will is strong and I am not too arrogant, these verbal exchanges should be a net benefit.

"Not going to say anything of substance, Xin? Just going to stand there, smirking? Retard."

The tiger's guttural voice sounded funny when he was upset.

"Well, I know what you're doing. It won't work. You tried every angle. This evening, it's over for you. Just let me rest."

"Xin, can't you see it? Your mental state. You are unwell. Unstable. Out of focus. If you try to refine me, I'll resist. And I might break your soul. What makes you think you've got what it takes? What's with that stupid sense of protagonism?"

"You're just spewing lady Meiling's and granpa Chonglin's arguments at me. You have access to my memories, after all. I know what you're doing, it won't work."

"What moral right do you have to risk your life? Do you want to leave your child fatherless, like your own father did? The most optimal choice, from a purely mathematical perspective, is to ally with me. My abilities are strong, Xin! My roar can stop her plant creatures, my physique can help you match her, and my senses are the only reason you're still breathing!"

"I see, but I'm not sure I need your help. I might even kill the demoness without the totem, to be honest. If I just use the steel sting dao shard correctly…"

"Xin! What are you even saying?! This is stupid! Where would you be without me? Not just my abilities, but the motivation I gave you! The lust for battle, the urge to keep going, the hunger to become a better person! How can you discard this all, after all we went through, together? A wise man knows to let go, forget our quarrels and let's become friends! It's the smartest choice! If you let me live, I'll have no means of overtaking your soul. But if you try to refine me, you know how fierce I can get!"

"I see, maybe I should reconsider the refinement." Xin nodded. "Give me some time to think."

"Seriously?" The tiger's eyes became lively and hopeful. "Wait. Fuck!"

Xin finally shut off the totem's human qi access. This whole time, the tiger was borrowing Xin's intelligence to speak, and was gorging on Xin's excess human qi. The totem was so invested in this newfound mental strength, that it didn't realise how stained it became with Xin's presence.

"Hehehe. You get it, right?"

"No! Fuck! Nooo! Cunt! I rape ya! Eat ya! You! Shit!" The totem raged helplessly as it was being dispelled.

"How do you like it, being on the receiving end of someone dumping into your head?"

For the past few months, it was the tiger totem that carefully influenced Xin's thoughts, trying to set up a right moment to overtake his soul. These past few days, Xin was secretly doing the same to the totem, but in a much subtler, cunning manner. He learned how to do it in one of lady Kaitun's manuals, which he read when the tiger totem wasn't around, as he always sealed it somewhere away when he studied this particular subject.

This way, the totem had no knowledge of the extent of Xin's totemic abilities. That's why it was so easy to seal it the last time, when it assaulted him in the nomad's tent, and that's why Xin could carefully plan his vows, without giving the tiger a chance to plot its own counter-measures. Now that the tiger willingly soaked himself in huge amounts of Xin's human qi, it would be easier to refine it, and easier to resist its soul assaults, too.

Xin sat down to meditate once again. He felt like a lonely man on a tiny island, with his thoughts circling like sharks in the water around.

My thoughts aren't me. I am what guides them.

My passions aren't me. I am what rises above them.

My anxiety isn't me, I am what quells it.

In. Out. Xin breathed again.

What's wrong, boy? Say the last line. The totem growled. I know you don't believe it.

"There is no I, only Dao." Xin said out loud. The tiger is right. This is bullshit.

Xin remembered Rui Ming, and then the Five Wind treatises.

"There is no I, only Me." He smiled and exhaled, staring in his reflection on the water surface. The birds sang in agreement.

He found peace.