Always Not Enough

The rain hadn't let up since Cedric left. It streaked down the windows in soft rivulets, mirroring the mess of emotions running through my chest. I hadn't even bothered to pick up my sketchbook again.

Instead, I was curled up on the sofa, one of the big throw blankets draped over my legs, the TV on in the background but barely registering. My thoughts were still tangled in Cedric's words, his voice circling in my head like a song on repeat.

"I just want you to be honest with me, Jove. That's all I ask."

I'd told him I loved him. And I meant it. But there was still this weight in my chest, this nagging feeling I couldn't name—a feeling that had only gotten heavier since Malyen walked back into my life.

A sharp knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts.

I frowned, glancing at the clock. It was late—too late for casual visitors.

Wrapping the blanket around my shoulders, I shuffled to the door, hesitating for just a moment before opening it.

Ellie stood there, dripping wet from the rain, her dark hair plastered to her pale cheeks. She had a backpack slung over one shoulder and an expression on her face that was somehow both determined and uncertain.

"Ellie?" I said, startled.

"Hi," she said, brushing a wet strand of hair out of her face. "Can I come in?"

I stepped aside, still trying to process her sudden appearance. "Of course. You're soaked! What are you even doing out in this weather?"

"I... needed to talk to you," she said, her voice soft but steady, shrugging off her backpack and setting it on the floor.

I shut the door behind her and grabbed a towel from the linen closet. "Here," I said, draping it over her shoulders.

She took it gratefully, rubbing it over her dripping hair.

"Sit down," I said, motioning to the sofa. "I'll make you some tea—or wait, have you eaten? Let me heat up some soup."

She hesitated, her brown eyes flicking to me with a mix of uncertainty and gratitude. "You don't have to—"

"I want to," I said firmly, already heading toward the kitchen.

While the soup warmed on the stove, I grabbed a pair of old sweatpants and a hoodie from my bedroom—both oversized but clean—and handed them to her.

"Here," I said, pressing them into her hands. "Go change. You'll catch a cold if you stay in those wet clothes."

She smiled faintly, the corners of her mouth twitching upward as she nodded. "Thanks, Jupiter."

"Bathroom's down the hall," I said, watching her disappear before turning back to stir the soup.

By the time she came back, her damp hair tied into a loose braid and her tiny frame swallowed by the hoodie, the apartment smelled like chicken noodle soup, and two steaming mugs of tea sat waiting on the counter.

Ellie sat at the barstool, her hands wrapped around the bowl of soup I set in front of her. She took a small sip, her shoulders visibly relaxing as the warmth spread through her.

"Better?" I asked, leaning against the counter with my own mug of tea.

"Yeah," she said, her voice softer now. "Thanks."

"What are you doing here, Ellie? How did you even—"

"I followed you," she said simply.

"You what?" I asked, shutting the door behind her.

"Last week," she said, unzipping her coat. "After class. I saw you leaving, and I followed you. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

I blinked, completely caught off guard. "Ellie, why would you—"

"Because he's still in love with you," she said, cutting me off.

The words hit me like a slap, and I stared at her, my heart suddenly racing. "What are you talking about?"

She crossed her arms, her hazel eyes sharp and unwavering. "Malyen. My brother. He's still in love with you. He always has been."

"Ellie," I said, setting my mug down. "You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," she insisted, her hazel eyes locking onto mine. "You didn't see him after you left. You didn't see how much it broke him."

Her words sent a jolt through me, and I opened my mouth to respond, but she wasn't finished.

"Jupiter," she said, her voice almost pleading. "He didn't talk about you after you left—not at first. But I could see it. Every time he picked up his guitar, every time he looked at me like he didn't know how to be okay anymore... it was you. It's always been you."

Her words hit me like a punch to the gut, and I closed my eyes, shaking my head. "Ellie, I left because—"

"I know why you left," she said, her voice softening. "I heard you the other day. I heard everything."

My stomach dropped. "You were eavesdropping?"

"I didn't mean to," she said quickly. "But you were yelling, and I couldn't help it."

I looked away, my chest tightening.

Ellie sighed. "Look, I know you have your own life now. And I know he's screwed up. A lot. But... you're the only person who's ever really understood him. And I think he needs you."

"I'm not the answer, Ellie," I said, my voice breaking slightly. "I'm not what he needs."

"Yes, you are," she said, her voice firm but quiet. "You always have been."

I turned back to her, the weight of her gaze almost too much to bear. "Ellie, you're seventeen. You don't understand how complicated this is."

"Maybe I don't," she admitted. "But I do understand what it looks like when someone's in love. And Malyen? He's still in love with you, Jupiter. No matter how much he pretends he's not."

The room felt suffocating, the air thick with everything I didn't want to feel.

"Ellie, I—"

"Do you still care about him?" she asked, cutting me off again. Her voice was quieter now, almost trembling.

The question felt like a knife, sharp and unrelenting.

I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to breathe. "It's not that simple," I said finally.

"Yes, it is," she said, her voice steady despite the tears welling in her eyes. "You either care about him, or you don't."

I stared at her, my vision blurring slightly as the words caught in my throat.

"I don't know," I whispered.

Ellie's expression softened, the hard edges of her determination giving way to something gentler.

"It's okay not to know," she said after a moment. "But, Jupiter... he needs you. And I think... I think you need him too."

Her words broke something in me, and I sank onto the edge of the sofa, my hands trembling slightly as I tried to catch my breath.

Ellie came to sit beside me, her presence warm and steady despite the storm raging in my chest.

"I need you too," she added softly.

That was it. That was the final crack in the wall I'd built around myself.

I pressed a hand to my mouth, tears slipping down my cheeks as I tried to hold myself together.

Ellie and I wrapped our arms around each other, her hold surprisingly strong for someone so small. "It's okay," she whispered. "You don't have to figure it all out tonight. I just... I needed you to know."

When I finally pulled back, she gave me a faint smile, and I brushed a tear from her cheek.

"Was this your plan? Getting me to cry like a baby?" I asked, laughing as my voice was shaky.

She smiled and laughed, nodding. "Yeah. That was the exact plan."

After Ellie left, the apartment felt impossibly quiet again, but the weight in my chest was heavier than before.

I stood by the window, staring out at the city lights blurred by the rain. My reflection stared back at me, her eyes tired and uncertain.

Ellie's words echoed in my mind. "You're the only person who's ever really understood him."

I closed my eyes, leaning my forehead against the cool glass.

How could I explain to her—or to myself—that it wasn't that simple? That I couldn't just untangle fifteen years of friendship, heartbreak, and betrayal in a single conversation?

I turned away from the window, my gaze falling to my sketchbook on the coffee table.

Without thinking, I picked it up, flipping to a blank page. My hand moved on its own, the pencil scratching against the paper as shapes and lines began to take form.

When I finally stopped, I stared at the drawing in front of me.

It was a rooftop, bathed in the golden light of a sunset. Two figures sat side by side, their silhouettes blurred but familiar.

My chest tightened, and I dropped the pencil, letting it roll across the table.

The memories were too much. The weight of everything—Malyen's voice, Ellie's plea, Cedric's patience—pressed down on me until I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I grabbed my coat, not even bothering to change out of my graphic tee and shorts, and slipped out the door.

The cool night air hit me like a slap, the rain soaking through my clothes almost instantly, but I didn't care. I just needed to move, to feel something other than the chaos in my chest.

As I walked, my thoughts spiraled, pulling me deeper into the mess I'd been trying so hard to avoid.

I didn't know where I was going.

But I couldn't shake the feeling that I was running out of time.