Chapter 28: Chapter 27: The Data Heist (and the Great Snack Debate) – Or, "Turns Out, Evil Lairs Have Terrible Wi-Fi."
Chapter 27: The Data Heist (and the Great Snack Debate) – Or, "Turns Out, Evil Lairs Have Terrible Wi-Fi."
The intel gleaned from the bewildered assassin confirmed it: Baron Strucker, enraged by Adam's "digital blasphemy," had retreated to a deep-cover, Cold War-era HYDRA bunker. This bunker, code-named "The Vault," was rumored to contain the full digital archives of HYDRA's operations, including sleeper agent lists, financial ledgers, and even schematics for abandoned super-soldier projects. It was a goldmine of information, but notoriously impregnable.
' Okay, The Vault. Sounds like a place with terrible lighting and even worse snack options. But if it has all of HYDRA's dirty laundry, I'm in. Time to show them that a good hacker doesn't need C4; he just needs to know where the structural weak points are and how to make a really convincing illusion of a monster made of cheese. '
The mission was critical. Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Adam were deployed. The bunker was located deep beneath an abandoned industrial complex in a desolate stretch of Siberia. The air was bitingly cold, and the silence was unnerving, broken only by the crunch of their boots on the frozen ground.
"Alright, Adam," Steve said, his voice low. "We need to get to the main server room. Minimal casualties, maximum intel extraction. Can you get us past the perimeter?"
"Piece of cake, Cap," Adam replied, pulling out a small, steaming mug of cocoa from Newt's Suitcase. "Though this place could really use some heating. And maybe a Wi-Fi signal. Do evil lairs ever consider basic amenities?"
The perimeter was a network of laser grids, pressure plates, and motion sensors. "Standard stuff," Natasha muttered, "but heavily redundant."
Adam grinned. He activated his Structural Grasp, his senses extending into the very framework of the bunker. He could feel the vibrations of the laser emitters, the subtle shifts in the pressure plates. He identified the weak points, not in the security system itself, but in the infrastructure supporting it.
"Okay, see that laser grid?" Adam pointed. "The sensor array for it is actually housed in that ventilation shaft. Give me a minute." He closed his eyes, focusing. With precise, subtle mental nudges, he caused the internal mounting bolts of the laser array to slightly loosen, just enough for the laser beams to subtly misalign. One by one, the red lines flickered, then vanished.
"How… how did you do that?" Clint whispered, impressed.
"Advanced vibrational frequency manipulation, Clint. Very technical. Don't worry about it," Adam said, pulling the Portable Hole patch from his pocket. He then slapped it onto a section of wall near a heavily armored door. It shimmered, opening into a dark void. "Ta-da! Instant shortcut! Watch your step, it's a ten-foot drop."
They descended into the Portable Hole, landing softly on the other side. They found themselves in a maintenance tunnel, bypassing an entire section of security. As they moved deeper, they encountered armed HYDRA patrols.
"We need a diversion," Natasha whispered, pointing to a group of three guards ahead.
"Got it," Adam said. He noticed a narrow ventilation shaft above the guards. He quickly conjured a small, perfectly aged wheel of Limburger cheese from Newt's Suitcase using his Basic Cooking Mastery. The smell was potent, pungent, utterly nauseating. He then used his Structural Grasp to delicately pry open the ventilation grate above the guards and dropped the cheese wheel down the shaft.
The effect was instantaneous. A wave of overwhelming, foul odor enveloped the guards. They gagged, coughing and stumbling back.
"What in blazes is that smell?!" one guard retched, holding his nose. "It smells like… victory and regret!"
"It's a tactical aromatic diversion, Natasha," Adam explained, a smirk on his face. "Very effective for clearing out areas without a fight. Also, highly demoralizing."
They slipped past the retching guards. Further in, they encountered a series of pressure-plate activated floor panels. Touching the wrong one would trigger alarms.
"Looks like a minefield," Steve observed.
"No problem," Adam said. He pulled out his Universal Remote. "I call this the 'time-out for traps' feature." He aimed the remote at the floor panels. As the first guard stepped onto a plate, triggering the alarm, Adam pressed "Rewind." The alarm stopped. The guard stepped back. Adam then pressed "Fast-Forward" on the panel, making it rapidly click and unclick, triggering and de-triggering the alarm in a rapid, comical stutter.
The guard stared at the panel, utterly baffled. "The floor is… having a seizure?!"
Adam quickly maneuvered the team past the confused guard, using his Structural Grasp to temporarily 'lock' the pressure plates in their 'safe' position as they crossed.
They finally reached the server room. It was massive, cold, and humming with archaic technology. But before they could access the main console, a final layer of security: three elite HYDRA operatives, armed and ready.
"Alright, boys," Steve said, readying his shield. "Let's do this the old-fashioned way."
"Or, you know, the slightly-less-old-fashioned-but-still-effective-in-a-weird-way," Adam interjected. He quickly used his King's Haki (Enhanced Hypnosis). He didn't put them to sleep, but subtly nudged their minds. One operative suddenly felt an irresistible urge to meticulously adjust his helmet. Another became convinced he'd left the oven on back at home. The third started humming a particularly annoying pop song, completely unable to stop.
Their focus shattered, they were easily disarmed and neutralized by Steve and Natasha.
As Clint began to download the data, a fresh problem arose. "There's no Wi-Fi down here! And this console is ancient! It's going to take hours to download everything!"
Adam sighed. "See? I told you evil lairs had terrible amenities. It's like they actively want to be inconvenient." He looked around. "No snacks either. This is just barbaric."
He reached into Newt's Suitcase, pulled out a large, steaming pizza box, a bag of gourmet cookies, and a thermos of fresh coffee. "Alright, team. Snack break. And then, I guess I'll have to manually transfer the data. This is going to be slow. Anyone up for a game of 'I Spy' while we wait?"
Clint, eyes wide, grabbed a slice of pizza. "You can just… conjure pizza?!"
"Basic Cooking Mastery, Clint. It's not just for cooking; it's for manifesting deliciousness wherever boredom threatens," Adam explained, handing a cookie to Natasha. "Now, about that Wi-Fi… maybe I can use some structural vibrations to… create a temporary signal? No, too risky. We'll stick to snacks."
The data download was indeed slow, but the mission was a success. They had crippled a major HYDRA intelligence hub, all while making its security team question their life choices and their sanity. And Adam, ever the purveyor of chaos, had ensured the team was well-fed throughout the ordeal. Even in the bleakest, most secure bunkers, Adam Stiels found a way to make it absurd.
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