Hope born of solitus

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"Love yourself... Huh?" (Lastia)

Why would that be? Was it really so important? This single day of my life. If I was to disappear anyway, no one would be inconvenienced. After all, 'I' have been vanishing everyday for the past..., who knows how many years. The social structures built around me are meant to last without me. I do not make promises of helping anyone else on their homework or spending time with them. I only do so spontaneously which drastically decreases my options.

I cannot make a promise on the behalf of another 'me'. I cannot make another 'me' fulfill my promise. The cold hard truth is that there is no tacit agreement or any sort of thing enforcing any rules, but we choose to keep our lives to ourself and not burden the other 'me's. Whether this would inadvertently cause another 'me' to spend less time on what she truly wanted to do, having to make fresh promises or plans on the day itself, or praying that by some miracle my friends are available on that day... Essentially, 'you are on your own' is the idea. We accept that, with both the good and the bad.

There wouldn't be any sense of accountability, because we would disappear by the next day. Yet, we choose to cherish our own, and hope things are better for the next 'me'. There were many such similar messages in the previous entries, going back for a long time. But... This diary is not the first, it only extends as far back as this year goes.

I have to wonder. We are 'reset' every night, an impossible to resist urge to sleep takes over us. Fortunately we always make it home on time where it is the ideal place to do so. This makes sleepovers impossible. It also makes Trace attacks at night dangerous, as I am forced to sleep for a certain period of time.

Yet... We are all born from a certain template. A basal state from which we derive a personality, linguistical skill, and most important of all; common sense. It meant that even without our memories, the many 'me's that have existed have chosen to be oddly considerate and selfless... It mainly stems from the fact we value ourselves so lowly.

That is why the weekend is such a challenge. How does a newborn determine... The way to love themselves? Waddling over here wouldn't be productive at all, so I put on something nice and stepped outside the house. A compact pale pink sling bag was used to carry my house keys, wallet and phone. The password to my phone was in the diary. Hopefully this will be sufficient. Staying cooped up would just be a waste of time, even walking aimlessly around the neighbourhood would be much better.

A long grey cardigan was wrapped around my shoulders, concealing a tan one piece dress. It was frilly yet simple, perfect for a casual stroll. The weather wasn't too hot, but the sun's warmth felt good on the skin and the free flowing gale was lukewarm. The light seeped through the cracks between the foliage of the tree leaves, tickling my skin. Fresh air carried the scent of nature as I stepped through the park. The name of the park is... Over here on the signboard. 'Welcome to Roseyburn park'. A map was provided underneath so visitors could navigate.

This was the same park that Arin took me to on the 6th. I could easily memorise the entire diary in 10 minutes, but the volume of it could never express the importance of such experiences like the drawn stars do. Looks like this place was precious to 'me'. I could see why. It's easy to get sentimental when your lifespan is less than 24 hours. It feels like a transient beautiful dream rather than a long lasting and explorable world. Maybe that's why my personality is so easy going. Otherwise I would only struggle under the crushing weight of reality.

The late morning sun paints multiple shades of yellow over the grass fields, sparse flowers dot around these gardens. Alright, that should be enough. As if I was recharging from sunlight, I decided I had enough exposure to the sun and walked off. Leaving the park there seemed to be a mall nearby. Purchasing items would be difficult. It is a mystery if the other 'me's would bother to make use of purchased items, unlike books other objects easily get ruined and wasted after a little neglect.

The only things that see any consistent usage seem to be books and stationary. Undoubtedly, it would make people think I was a very boring individual. Even then, reading books will always be dangerous... If I get too attached to the characters... Isn't it a shame if I'll never get to see them grow up?

There are two sides to the same coin. Just as there are such activities that seem to transcend time with the value of progress, there are also ways to enjoy the ever fleeting present with fulfillment that only lasts for that single ephemeral moment. A simple example would be eating good food. Unlike stories and games, there is no 'progression' or 'save file', a discontinuity that preserves meaning.

Watching a movie meant only for a singular experience. Playing sports with the neighbourhood kids in the public sports hub. Packing food and enjoying it with a side of greenery, going to an amusement attraction. I thought... My life would be horribly empty. Resetting time after time, perhaps my body would remember such experiences that my mind will not, perhaps I will no longer react to any stimulation ever.

However, things can still be fun in their own way. The little factors that make experiences unique, the bittersweet satisfaction from doing what I want to do in the moment I want to do it. It is a freedom that the weekday 'me's would have trouble attaining. At the end of the day, I'm sure they would five the same answer as I did when asked the same question.

We wouldn't really regret our choices much, even if they had any less freedom. It's because we were given a single chance, and it's enough. We make do with what we have, and routined schedules such as school work is no less fulfilling than everything else. After all, any experience is novel to us.

It's seriously impossible for us to converse with each other. After all, we're the same person. It's a shame, but nothing we can't live with. I want to thank the previous 'me' when she said to love myself. I couldn't really understand it at first, but as I had more and more fun throughout the day, it got clearer and clearer.

Ah... I... I want to live a bit longer... I wanted to have more fun than this... I want to enjoy another day to the fullest... No matter how much fun you have, at the end of they day you would still beg for more. This must be what they meant, so please...

Cherish yourself. -Love, Lastia on the 8th