Hazbin Hotel: Another Adam

"Twenty-eight stab wounds! You were making sure, weren't you?" I looked at Charlie with feigned disapproval as she sat on the cushions, nervously fidgeting with the edge of her red jacket. The miniature figure of her character still stood triumphantly over the practically dead plastic necromancer.

"Well, what else could I do?!" she tried to justify herself, her cheeks reddening. "He almost killed Angel! His skeleton warriors had surrounded him from all sides, and he only had one HP left! I had to save him!"

"Oh, come on, princess, the chance of his heroic death wasn't that high!" I retorted, leaning back on the pile of pillows that served as my throne. "You had to roll the dice afterwards, after all…"

"I rolled a one on my saving throw against his 'death touch'! A ONE, Adam!" Angel Dust himself immediately interjected, theatrically pressing all four hands to his fluffy chest. He was lounging grandly on the adjacent sofa. "If I'd made one more bad dice roll, I would have definitely kicked the bucket! For good! If Vaggie hadn't healed me with her 'prayer' afterwards, I would have croaked for sure! Especially with my luck!"

"You're always welcome," Vaggie said, rolling her eyes. She sat next to Charlie, arms crossed, watching our conversation with obvious skepticism. She was currently drinking the bergamot tea I had brewed (straight from Heaven) and, it seemed, was even enjoying the game. "And anyway, Adam, Charlie spent a good thirty minutes persuading him to surrender, offering to 'set him on the path of good and redemption,' even promised cookies (well, she is the Princess of Hell. She gets it)! So I don't see any problem."

"Exactly! I tried!" the Princess of Hell immediately put her hands on her hips, proudly tilting her nose up as her girlfriend defended her. "I offered him friendship and even a sing-along! And he… he just shot a curse at me!"

"That's precisely the problem, my dear Charlie," I theatrically rolled my eyes, taking a sip of that very tea from my huge mug. "The fact that I had to listen to your tearful stories about all-forgiveness, redemption, and rainbow ponies galloping through fields of eternal love for half an hour!"

"Well, you could have played along with Mis-s-stress Charlie a bit," Sir Pentious, sitting on the floor surrounded by his egg minions, immediately chimed in. His long serpentine body was wrapped around an old floor lamp. "It's your own fault for s-s-such a pointles-s-s was-s-ste of time, S-s-sir Adam. You should have lowered the requirements-s-s for the charis-s-sma roll."

His eggs, by the way, weren't wasting any time and were enthusiastically playing with the unused figures of various monsters and heroes from our game, which we had all painted together the day before. One egg was even trying to glue a miniature knight's helmet to its shell instead of a hat.

"Yeah, yeah, as usual, Daddy Adam is to blame for everything, of course," I rolled my eyes again, but this time with a smirk, to Husk's cheerful snort. The poor cat-bartender was forced to choke down my tea today, as I had strictly forbidden him from bringing his swill to our "redemption sessions." He sat not far from Angel, pulling a sad face, but I could see that, deep down, he even kind of liked our little get-together.

What have we been doing here for almost a week? Oh, this is one of my "innovative" methods of "redeeming sinners," which I suggested to Charlie while still in the guise of a red-skinned unsociable psycho.

So, the game. "Dungeons & Dragons." A classic of the genre. I thought it would be a good way for these… guys (?) to play out some of their traumas, learn to work as a team, make decisions, take responsibility for their actions. And just to get a little distracted from their problems. And yes, Daddy Adam, as the most experienced (in my past life, I played various similar RPG board games a couple of times), had to take on the thankless role of Dungeon Master.

Well, okay, actually, it's not that I didn't like "running" the game. There was something… amusing about it. Watching these sinners eagerly roll dice, argue about tactics, worry about their characters. And when Charlie, with her paladin, once again tried to "convert to the true path" some particularly evil boss, it turned into a whole performance (though dragged out like hell, but no one was against it).

"So… Just a minute, guys," Angel suddenly said, his voice turning serious. He put down his dice and looked at his mobile phone screen, which had suddenly lit up. Concern was reflected on his face. "I… uh… it's urgent."

He quickly stood up and walked to the far corner of the lobby, covering the phone with his hand and lowering his voice. But with my hearing, I could hear his tone becoming more and more agitated, almost panicked.

"Um?.. No!.. Yes… Yes, of course, boss, I'll be right there… Yes, sorry… I'm on my way… Just a second…"

He quickly mumbled something into the phone, his usually cocky face now pale and tense. Then he abruptly ended the call and, trying to look as carefree as possible, turned to us.

"Did something happen, Angel?" Charlie immediately jumped up from her improvised pillow armchair, her face expressing sincere concern. Yes, we were sitting on the floor, surrounded by scattered maps, figures, and character sheets. It was… cozier, I guess.

"Um… No, everything's fine!" Angel tried to force his usual carefree smile, but it came out kind of crooked. "It's just… Val called. We have, like… urgent filming. New project, you know. So I think I'll go. You guys kick that damn necromancer's ass without me, okay?"

He began to quickly gather his things, fixing his hair and putting on "fashionable" glasses. It was clear that he was in a great hurry and very nervous.

"Angel, but we haven't finished the morning redemption session yet!" Charlie stood in his way, blocking the door. Notes of offense and disappointment sounded in her voice.

"Sunshine, I'm really sorry, but this is my job," Angel spread his hands guiltily. "I can't just not show up. It's called 'responsibility,' you understand? As long as my boss requires my presence, I can't just drop everything and stay here playing games!"

He tried to gently push Charlie aside, but she stubbornly stood her ground.

"But, Angel…"

"Charlie, please! I really have to go!"

His voice broke. He sharply pushed the princess away and dashed out the door, slamming it so hard that plaster fell from the walls.

"Well, why?! Why is it always like this?!" Charlie cried out nervously, her eyes filling with tears. She sank right onto the floor, covering her face with her hands, her shoulders trembling slightly.

"Charlie, what's wrong? Calm down," Vaggie immediately rushed to her, knelt beside her, and hugged her shoulders. "Well, it happens. Work is work. He'll be back."

"I can't do anything right!" Charlie's voice was muffled by tears. "Even with Adam's help… everything goes wrong, not as I hoped! No one wants to change! Angel will relapse again, I know it! Maybe… maybe I really am that useless?"

She raised her tear-stained face to us, and there was so much despair in her gaze that something unpleasant twinged inside me. Pentious, surprisingly, also teared up.

"Charlie, don't make things up!" Vaggie hugged her tighter. "You're doing very well! Look, Pentious has been behaving himself for a week! And Angel… yes, he's going through a difficult period, but he's trying! Even Adam admits it! Right, Adam?"

She cast a pleading look at me.

"Yes, yes, pure truth," I hurried to support Vaggie, hoping my words would at least somewhat calm this girl, crushed by her own hopes. "There is progress, Charlie. Slow, but there is. Not everything at once. Rome wasn't built in a day either."

"But still…" she sobbed. "Angel constantly drops everything and runs to work for that Valentino, and then he takes drugs and drinks! Because of that, all his progress… it goes down the drain! If only he could spend more time here…"

"Well then…" I thoughtfully scratched my chin. "You could… well, I don't know… for example, show a little… persistence? And put a little… pressure on his boss?"

"Pressure?" Charlie looked at me in surprise. "But that would be… Cruel?"

"No, no, what are you talking about!" I smiled broadly. "It won't be 'cruel.' It will be 'aggressive kindness'! Understand? You're the Princess of Hell! You have power, influence! So use them for good! Explain to this Valentino that his employee vitally needs rehabilitation in your hotel! That it will benefit both Angel himself and, perhaps, even his… uh… professional qualities!"

"Aggressive kindness?.." Charlie wrinkled her forehead thoughtfully. And then her face suddenly lit up. "Adam, that's brilliant! I'll be so 'aggressively-kind' to Angel's boss that he simply won't be able to refuse me! I'll persuade him to let Angel come to our hotel more often!"

She jumped to her feet, her eyes once again burning with enthusiasm. She quickly gave a peck on the lips to a stunned Vaggie (who immediately blushed deeply at such a public display of affection in front of the whole hotel – well, almost the whole, Angel and Alastor were absent, but everyone else was in the living room now, even Niffty had momentarily stopped wiping dust from the chandelier), waved victoriously at us, and flitted out the door with the determination to change the world for the better. Well, or at least one specific overlord-pimp.

"Quite sexy…" escaped my lips before I could think. Oops?

"Adam!" A flustered Vaggie looked at me reproachfully.

"What 'Adam'?" I shrugged innocently. "Whatever happens, it's always 'Adam'! I, by the way, spoke from the heart! And anyway, as the first man, I have every right to admire female beauty!"

I tried to pull an offended face, but after a couple of seconds, we both couldn't hold back and burst out laughing. The tension eased a little.

"So what," Husk, who had been silently observing the proceedings all this time, broke the silence, returning to his bar counter, "are we just going to let the little princess go alone into that fucking Valentino's den? He's not just a pimp, he's one of the 'Vees' – the trinity of overlords who run the whole media business, porn industry, and God knows what else here. And he's quite the sadist and manipulator. By the way, he produces all sorts of stimulants and drugs and tests them on his 'actors,' so I wouldn't let the princess go alone…"

"Ooh, he's a baddie?" Niffty immediately perked up, flying over to Husk and looking into his face with her single huge eye. What the hell is going on in this little cyclops's head? She clearly has some kind of fetish for "bad boys."

"Super baddie," I replied shortly, becoming serious. "But I doubt he'd risk laying a finger on our sweet princess. She's Lucifer's daughter, after all. It'll cost him dearly." I caught another pleading look from Vaggie and mentally rolled my eyes. Why is she always so tense? "But, I think a little help wouldn't hurt her anyway. Just in case."

"Thanks…" Vaggie sighed heavily. "If you don't mind… please, look after Charlie. And Angel too. Just… in case."

"Don't worry," I winked at her. "Daddy Adam doesn't let sweet girls get hurt!.. Well, and spiders too."

I once again assumed my demonic form, the one with white hair and red eyes. After that empowerment from the Seraphim, I could change my appearance almost freely, not just hair or skin color, but more serious things like body structure. Apparently, they didn't just significantly boost my reserve back then, but also threw in some transformation skill. It's just a pity that I never got a full-fledged "combat form." According to Sera, my true angelic form is my "true" and strongest form. That's how it is. Well, at least there's that.

"Alright. I'm counting on you, Adam," Vaggie said, calmer now, watching me go.

"Good luck to you, S-s-sir Adam!" hissed Pentious after me, already amusing himself with his eggies… Ugh, fuck! With his egg-companions. Fuck, why couldn't he have made them in the shape of little combat robot-bricks? Or sentient cubes on legs? It would have been much less ambiguous.

I left the hotel, waving goodbye to the inhabitants of this madhouse. Even in my "demonic" form, I still stood out greatly against the background of most local sinners. Too human-like, too… regular facial features, without obvious deformities or mutations. This image, by the way, was also taken from my sick, at that moment, little head. The form, which looked more like a fancy cosplayer getup than a real military uniform, was actually a variation of the uniform of those "executioners" from my past world. Just like the gray sclera with a vertical red pupil (the "executioners," though, had green pupils, like the Godkiller). Nevertheless, I liked this image – it was cool enough that people wouldn't mess with me, but at the same time, it didn't cause panic in every passerby, unlike my true form. So I decided to keep it for "inconspicuous" business in Hell. The name "Baal" also stuck, as it didn't particularly allude to my past.

The streets of Pentagram City were as always – noisy, dirty, full of sinners of all shapes and sizes. About two months had passed since the last Extermination, so the population had slowly begun to recover. Considering they didn't have angelic weapons anymore (thanks to Carmilla and me… I should visit her sometime…), it turned out that in the next four months, I either had to come up with some new method of effective genocide, or… or I don't even know what.

Purely theoretically, of course, we could release all the Exorcists during the next Extermination, arming them with new blasters. That would be enough to reduce the sinner population by 20-30 percent, or even more. But who would protect Heaven at that moment? And considering that Eve had clearly begun to hatch some fucking evil plans, it turned out that leaving Heaven defenseless was the stupidest and most dangerous decision of all possible. The Seraphim aren't going to defend it, are they? Ha! Those "wise men" will just cover themselves and other angels with shields and stand there until the enemy gets tired. A tactic, of course, effective against some weak demons, but against Eve and her empowered servants, who are at least equal in power to these very Seraphim, if not superior… it would simply be ridiculous.

By the way, about Asmodeus. Lute did find among our girls those who really understand interrogations and "information extraction." I was surprised, but it turns out we have such specialists in Heaven. According to them, breaking Asmodeus was quite easy, especially after I "processed" him with Light.

About one hundred and forty years ago, four dark figures appeared in his room (forcing their way through all defenses). Literally "dark," because they absorbed the light around them, and apart from their approximate height and build, nothing could be discerned. The only one who deigned to introduce herself then and even briefly show herself was Eve. The other three remained a mystery to him. She offered him a deal: either they kill him right there, finally and irrevocably, or he makes a contract with her, receives incredible power, and becomes her servant, carrying out her orders. As you understand, the Lord of Lust didn't have much of a choice.

After that, he created those very crystals that allowed even simple succubi and all sorts of imps to travel to Earth, assume a human form, and completely hide from Heaven's tracking systems. His task was to corrupt humanity as much as possible, sow chaos, lust, drug addiction, increase the influx of sinful souls into Hell, weaken people's morals, and undermine their faith in God. And, as we can see, he handled this task "excellently." It was essentially because of his activities that this widespread "dumbing down" of Earth's population began, which escalated into a total clusterfuck. Because of him, at best, only every tenth soul now goes to Heaven (Again, this is "at best")! And the rest pour into Hell, becoming fuel for Darkness.

I didn't kill Asmodeus. The problem was that I, damn it, didn't really want to kill again. Both Adam from the memories and I-the-Godkiller – both were truly ruthless killers. But their memory… or rather my memory… it was perceived by me somehow detachedly. Like a long-forgotten, terrible dream that I recorded on video and now sometimes rewatch, so as not to forget who I was and who I don't want to become again. I didn't want to take lives again, even the life of a bastard like Asmodeus. Even though I should have…

Nevertheless, he was of little use now: he didn't provide any special knowledge about Eve's plans, other than general phrases, no specific information about her strength or whereabouts. It turned out he was just a pawn. In general, I put him in something like stasis and stuffed him into a thick cocoon of Light; let him sleep it off, maybe he'll even become "good."

Meanwhile, I was already approaching the district I needed. It was the so-called "Porn-Quarter" – the place where all the studios, clubs, and other establishments related to the "adult" industry were concentrated. It was here that Valentino's studio was located, controlling everything related to sex.

I walked down the street, examining the local "attractions." Bright neon signs with unambiguous names and images. Touts at the entrance to every club, promising "unforgettable sensations" and "fulfillment of all fantasies." Naked demons and demonesses, languidly writhing in shop windows. The atmosphere was… appropriate. But something else interested me now.

At some point, my consciousness singled out something unnatural from the general chaos. Something that stood out even from the general picture of this infernal clusterfuck. Eyes. There were eyes everywhere: on the walls of buildings, on the sidewalks, on billboards, even on trash cans. Large and small, red, yellow, green – they were everywhere…

Right! I had completely forgotten about this phenomenon! When a sinner dies in Hell for good, their soul seems to completely disintegrate, but sometimes an eye like this appears in the place of their death! I saw this quite often during Exterminations. But how to explain it?

Well, purely theoretically, I had one quite logical (by the standards of this world) idea. Eve is the embodiment of Darkness. God (whom no one but the Seraphim has seen) is the embodiment of Light. Darkness and Light are two opposite but interconnected forces. Eyes filled with Darkness appear after final death in Hell… Well, you understand where I'm going with this, right? If these aren't my dearest ex-wife's "surveillance cameras," then I'm a naked mole-rat (Author's note: google it, cool animal)! I wonder how I could test this hypothesis?

I turned into the nearest empty alley, where I noticed one small, dimly glowing red eye on a shabby brick wall. I approached it and assumed my true form. Golden wings, halo, shining aura, you get the picture.

"Hey, Eve! You haven't fallen asleep there, have you?!" I tried to put maximum irony and contempt into my voice. "When are you going to pay alimony for eleven thousand years of separate living, huh?! The children are starving, by the way!"

A second. Another. Nothing. The eye on the wall didn't even blink. Hmm… A pity. And I was hoping she'd jump out from behind the nearest corner right now, and I could immediately hit her with a beam of Light charged with energy comparable to the reserve of several Seraphim (yes, yes, I was really preparing for such an outcome). Just in case. Why are you all looking at me like that? Okay, I screwed up a bit, I admit.

Alright. I assume Baal's form again. Time to move on. Now I'm going to drop by that asshole Valentino's studio. I'll need to get the soul contract of one foolish little spider off him. And I'll also need to make sure Charlie doesn't accidentally get affected by that horse-sized dose of aphrodisiac that pimp will definitely spray in the air when she comes to him with "aggressive kindness"… I can just picture it. Hmm.

View from the Side. A certain dark space, woven from pure, primordial Darkness. There is no up or down here, no time, no familiar laws of physics. Only endless, pulsating gloom, in the depths of which indistinct silhouettes can be discerned.

"Alimony?! Have you completely lost your goddamn mind, asshole?!" An indignant, furious female shriek, full of slightly feigned outrage, echoed through the dark space, making the very Darkness around tremble and writhe. "It's YOU who should be paying me alimony! You goat!!!"

"What happened again? Who are you 'remembering fondly' over there?" From the depths of Darkness, something… emerged. A creature vaguely resembling a humanoid octopus or kraken. Its body consisted of swirling shadows entwined with chains, it had three pairs of black wings on its back, and instead of a face – a multitude of writhing, pulsating tentacles with suckers and small, malevolent little eyes at the ends.

"Nothing special!" a young woman replied to the humanoid kraken. Medium-length brown hair, a perfect pale face with delicate features, full sensual lips curved in a sly smirk, and a strange, rough scar visible on her neck, as if from a cut. "Don't disturb a woman having a little fun and blowing off steam! And anyway, have you done your homework for today?"

"What fucking homework?!" The kraken-monster was incredibly surprised, its tentacles wriggling in bewilderment. "I'm older than the very concept of 'school' or 'homework'! Are you completely fucking nuts?!"

"Is that how you talk to your mother?!" another female voice sounded nearby – imperious, cold, full of hidden threat. A second figure emerged from the Darkness – a tall, stately woman in tight-fitting black-and-red armor with spikes, resembling the chitinous carapace of a giant insect. Her face was hidden by a white, impenetrable mask with narrow eye slits and a painted smile. In her hand, she clutched a long, serrated blade from which an aura of Death emanated. Crack! The sound of a hearty slap to the back of the head echoed off the invisible walls.

"Ow! Fucking hurts!"

"That's right! That's right! Don't raise your voice at your mother!"

"Yeah… fuck… well, fuck all of you…" the kraken-monster grumbled and, gurgling resentfully, began to slowly sink back into the depths of Darkness. "...to hell..."