Delusive Fate

#012

“Eating kimchi stew like this reminds me of the old days, right?”

To be honest, Ki Baek-woo’s kimchi stew is fucking delicious.

While he’s annoying, good food is good food, so I was diligently moving my spoon.

“Do you remember when we first moved here? You were nineteen, hyung. You were so cute back then.”

Has our Baek-woo lost his mind?

I glanced across the table while chewing on the egg roll. When I was nineteen, Ki Baek-woo was sixteen. The cute one for being young and small wasn’t me, but him. If Ki Baek-woo had giggled at me saying “Hyung, you’re cute” back then, I might have been speechless with bewilderment and felt some sort of existential crisis.

“Before we moved in, we were in a shelter… and even in the room we got later, we weren’t allowed to use the kitchen. It was nice to be able to use the kitchen after moving here. I could cook for you… Of course, the best part was being able to live alone with you without anyone interfering.”

“Leave it, I’ll pick it apart myself.”

As I picked up my chopsticks thinking I’d try the mackerel this time, Ki Baek-woo quickly noticed and started picking apart the mackerel. I tapped the mackerel dish with my chopsticks to stop him.

“Oh, okay.”

Ki Baek-woo immediately put down his chopsticks. He listens well to things like this. I wish he’d listen well to things like shutting up and not being annoying.

“Hey hyung, do you remember?”

Ki Baek-woo had been chattering non-stop since the moment I entered the kitchen. I want to pinch those plump lips, but I didn’t try because it probably wouldn’t stop his nonsense.

How can he keep talking endlessly even though I’m not responding at all? It’s even becoming fascinating. Someone might think Ki Baek-woo was born to be a chatterbox.

I wonder how hard Ki Baek-woo is trying right now?

I felt a mild curiosity, not particularly desperate to know the answer. Because Ki Baek-woo isn’t usually talkative.

Surprisingly, people around us described Ki Baek-woo as taciturn.

‘Hunter Ki isn’t particularly difficult to work with, but he doesn’t engage in small talk and is so reserved that it’s hard to approach him.’

I’ve had occasional chances to meet people from the Central Awakened Association. Nine out of ten of our conversations were about Ki Baek-woo. The central staff dealing with high-rank hunters had nothing they wanted to know from a nobody like me, and I always just talked about Ki Baek-woo.

‘An unapproachable aura… something like that. Of course, to us non-awakened, all S-rank hunters are like that, but Hunter Ki feels a bit different from the others…’

Anyway, when I met central staff, they often spoke about Ki Baek-woo in that way. Then I would reply:

‘Don’t think of it as difficult. Baek-woo is just shy with strangers. Once you get close, he can be quite chatty.’

‘Chatty… Hunter Ki Baek-woo?’

‘Of course, I talk even more than him.’

‘Ah, of course, right? You surprised me. Haha.’

‘Yes, well. Of course. Hahaha.’

After such conversations, on the way home, seeing Ki Baek-woo talk about this and that in front of me made me feel good.

I’m the person closest to Ki Baek-woo. I’m the only one Ki Baek-woo opens up to and feels comfortable with. Lee Han-sol, the one and only very special person to Ki Baek-woo.

It felt like proof of that overwhelming fact. Looking back now, it sounds ridiculous, but back then I thought it would be nice if Ki Baek-woo became a bit more talkative. It seemed like Ki Baek-woo’s feelings were proportional to how much he spoke.

“Remember that day, not long after we moved here, when I cooked for you for the first time? When you came home from work, I was waiting with kimchi stew. You were so surprised, saying it was delicious and wondering how I made it so well on my first try…”

Is it time that changes people, or fate?

Is it thoughts that change hearts, or experiences?

Even if this world is a damn game, there’s only one of me, both in the past and now.

Yet, the current me feels like a completely different person from the past me. I can tell because I don’t feel good at all seeing Ki Baek-woo talking so much.

“Actually, that kimchi stew was my second try? I messed up the first one. But I wanted to look like I could do everything well for you, so I pretended I succeeded on the first try. You didn’t know.”

“No.”

I glanced at Ki Baek-woo while scooping up some kimchi stew. As I responded for once, Ki Baek-woo’s expression noticeably brightened. I could see a faint blush on his white cheeks. His eyes are sparkling.

“No? Then you knew?”

“How could I not notice when so much kimchi disappeared? A whole container of that expensive kimchi was gone.”

“Ha, I really thought you didn’t know this. I really can’t fool you.”

Ki Baek-woo answered playfully as if it was nothing, but joy could be heard in his voice.

Watching him quietly, I saw him biting his lower lip, shrugging his shoulders once, and even picking up the spoon he hadn’t touched until now, all while being excited. He’s like a child who doesn’t know what to do with his happiness.

Ki Baek-woo, who had been nibbling as if not really eating, followed my lead and took a big spoonful of kimchi stew with rice. His face chewing with a smile in his eyes. It’s exactly like his old self.

It’s the same face from the very day Ki Baek-woo is talking about.

***

It was not long after sixteen-year-old Ki Baek-woo awakened as a high-rank hunter and we moved to this A district.

‘Hyung! You’re back?’

‘Yes, hyung is back, our cutie. Wait. What’s this smell?’

‘Hyung, come here quickly. Guess what I did?’

‘Wait, wait, don’t pull. I haven’t taken off my shoes yet!’

When I came back from administrative work at the center, Ki Baek-woo, wearing an apron, came running. I vividly remember Ki Baek-woo’s still youthful appearance, with his slender cheeks tinged pink.

‘Ta-da!’

‘Wow, what’s all this?’

Ki Baek-woo, who had pulled me into the kitchen, smiled with a face full of excitement, pride, and anticipation.

‘Wait, is this…’

‘…’

‘Is this kimchi stew?’

‘Yes, it’s kimchi stew. I made it, hyung.’

In those days when we didn’t have a dining table, we sat facing each other at a shabby folding table, smiling. In the middle of the table was a slightly dented aluminum pot. Steam was rising from the pot. It was kimchi stew, something I hadn’t seen in a very long time. It was a modest stew made only with kimchi, without meat or tofu, but at that time, it felt like the most delicious food in the world.

‘Baek-woo, where did you learn to make kimchi stew? You’ve never cooked before.’

‘Is it good?’

‘Yes. It’s really, incredibly delicious. I’ve only eaten kimchi stew when I was young, I don’t know how to make it. You’ve never even eaten this before, right? Because the country collapsed when you were seven… Let alone stew, you couldn’t even eat kimchi unless it was washed in water. Wasn’t it your first time eating it recently?’

‘I asked Jae-i noona.’

‘Jae-i noona?’

‘Yes. You always said it was your favorite dish, that you wanted to eat it just one more time.’

‘Did I say that?’

‘Yes, you said kimchi stew was your favorite, that you wanted to eat it more than five times.’

‘So you asked because it was something I liked?’

‘Yes. Kimchi stew, egg rolls, stir-fried pork, and bean sprout salad. I asked Jae-i noona about all of them and wrote them down in a notebook. I’ll make them for you every day now.’

‘You remembered everything I said I wanted to eat?’

‘If it’s something you like… of course. Hehe.’

‘Ki Baek-woo… you cute thing…. Sob sob, I’m so touched. I can’t stand it. I have to give our Baek-woo a million kisses. Come here, pretty one.’

Ki Baek-woo from those days, who laughed out loud and snuggled into my arms when I rushed to hug him, was the most precious thing in my life. Just thinking about his smiling face made me feel overwhelmed with love. I wanted to do everything I could for him. I wanted to give him even things I couldn’t give. I wanted to protect him no matter what.

The memories of those days were my only emergency rations in my poverty. As time passed and Jung Yi-dam appeared, and Ki Baek-woo left me, when I felt so lonely and desolate that I wanted to die, I would take them out and eat them little by little. Whenever I felt like I was starving to death emotionally, I endured each day by ruminating on those times. They were memories that made me feel so happy that they turned me into an idiot.

Why is Ki Baek-woo bringing up those stories now?

As if he’s trying to persuade me to recall those times.

“I was almost addicted to cooking back then, wasn’t I? Now that I think about it, I wasn’t even that good. But every time I made something, you’d say it was delicious, that it was awesome, and kiss me and show affection… I think I thought about nothing but preparing meals all day long. It’s funny.”

The grown-up Ki Baek-woo laughs out loud like sixteen-year-old Ki Baek-woo. His expression is full of hope. In other words, he looks like someone who has fallen into a strange and futile hope that somehow the current problem will be resolved and we can return to the happy past. Like the Little Match Girl lighting matches to dream… This Ki Baek-woo looks like the already gone Lee Han-sol who endured by feeding on past times.

It’s strange. Why is Ki Baek-woo acting like this? Everything he’s doing now seems crude.

Preparing this big meal, talking non-stop even though he’s not usually talkative. Being sincerely immersed in memories that are beautiful but too old to give any more emotion.

It shouldn’t be in this game’s setting for a main character meant for Jung Yi-dam to cling to regrets for a supporting character who will soon die and disappear.

The current Ki Baek-woo is so excessively strange in everything that it almost seems ridiculous at a glance.

“Yeah, it is funny.”

With the spoon in my mouth, I stared at the strange Ki Baek-woo. Ki Baek-woo rubbed the back of his neck shyly and met my eyes.